Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Some friends and I were sitting around talking the other day at lunch and someone said something about winning the lottery and what they would do with the money. Ever notice whenever someone mentions winning the lottery it seems everyone starts detailing what they would do with their earnings? One by one they started talking about paying off their bills, buying new homes and expensive cars, and taking vacations to exotic places. Some even said they would give some money to their family and friends because that would give them the warm fuzzies or something. Blah, blah, blah. I just sat there listening until one turned to me and asked what I would do. I asked “How much money are we talking about?” and they said it would be hundreds of millions. “More money than you can even fathom” they said. I thought for a second and I told them the first thing I would do is buy the place where I work so I could fire everyone personally and then have it bulldozed to the ground. I would then hire assassins to not assassinate, but beat the shit out of anyone I don’t like, first saying “This is from Laura” and then after kicking their asses threaten to return if they squealed. Then I would invest a large hunk of the money in a company that both develops weapons AND robots so I could have that army of killer robots I always wanted before I die. Then I said if I had any left over I would pay hobos to fight each other, because the thought of a hobo-on-hobo beat down makes me giggle. These fights would more than likely take place on the empty lot where I used to work. After I finished telling them my plans for my windfall they just sat there staring at me with blank looks on their faces and I smiled sweetly and said “Oh, and I’d give you guys some money too.” I totally had my fingers crossed under the table on that one.
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39 Responses to Most of my fantasies involve a lot of pettiness, revenge, assaults, and mayhem. Oh, and George Clooney.
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You wouldn’t invest in a genetic engineering company that could make flying monkeys for you?
How disappointing…
*** No. Monkeys will turn on you for no reason. Then I’d have to hire assassins to beat the shit out of them. I don’t need the hassle. Killer robots would be more dependable. ~Laura
LMAO! Girl, I really hope you win! You do like me, right? Please don’t send any assassins! LOL!
*** You would be safe. FOR NOW. ~Laura
Feel the love, beyotches!
*** HA! Yeah! ~Laura
I would stay on your good side and give you enough money so you could develop you very own Laurassic Park.
*** HA! How col would that be?! ~Laura
You could buy the ultimate traveling vehicle and hope you haven’t beaten the crap out of the driver! LOL Then we could take a road trip to California to hunt down George.
How’s the TB and foot rabies??
*** We would ride to CA in my limo with one of my killer robots driving. Oh and I still have TB and rabies. Go figure. ~Laura
LOL! THIS is why I love you in a non-gay way!
*** Not that there’s anything wrong with that. ~Laura
Are you going to at least let us evac the building first? or are you going to make us stay inside? I’m glad I missed that luncheon!
*** Some will be notified beforehand, some not. Don’t worry, you’ll be around to enjoy the hobo fights later- either as an audience member or as a contender. HAHA!. ~Laura
Very cool, and you stake your enemies instead of goats for the T-rexs.
*** HELL’S YEAH! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! I will hire you as my assistant, unless you want to be one of my assassins. Your choice. ~Laura
Finally, an honest discourse on the proper use of lottery windfalls. Hey these people always go through the money anyway, that is a known fact. You might as well do something useful.
If you have any money left over, could you bulldoze my workplace too, I’ll be your official pooper scooper. It would be a promotion.
*** HA! Consider it done, I mean, when I win. ~Laura
I see nothing wrong with your list, but I’m nearly a hobo and need the money. Where do I sign up?
*** HAHA! Wait until I win the lottery. ~Laura
Gotta say “IF I won the lottery… nobody would ever see me again… ever” end if story…
*** Power of positive thinking- WHEN. ~Laura
I was asked that once back when I worked for BigCorp and I told them, glaring daggers at passing boss, that I’d buy a lot of guns. A LOT of guns. And maybe a RPG.
I actually was REQUIRED after that to “speak to” the company HR shrink.
I used my Lisa Simpson/ Betty Boop voice the whole conversation.
*** HAHA! They’d have to have a team of shrinks here. ~Laura
I like the idea of the hobo-on-hobo beat down but I would like to expand that thought… wouldn’t you just love to put those big mouthed office bitches in the ring with each other? those yappy whispering judgemental poor excuses for human beings that talk about EVERYONE ELSE.. in the ring together…even if it were a verbal slap down it would be dynamic…then they can just beat the ever lovin shit out each other.. I’ll take a Vodka & tonic please.. and a front row seat…with a slobber towel!
*** Then the winner fights the killer robot. HAHA! The front row seats would sell out faster than a Justin Bieber concert. ~Laura
I totally agree with your vision, Laura. You not only solved the homeless problem, but also the unemployment problem. And the bitches-at-work problem, too.
YOU SHOULD BE PREZ!!!
*** I really should. ~Laura
I’ll do both…I can multitask.
*** Excellent. ~Laura
I hope that you would buy me that taser I’ve been wishing for.
*** Ha! Yes I would. ~Laura
AWW…wouldn’t you at least use a little of the money to pamper yourself – something like a massage or pedicure…you are SO selfless here.
*** HA! Well, I MIGHT get my nails did and have diamonds set in ‘em. ~Laura
Wait a minute…is someone going to be driving that limo or do I get to drive it??? I’d hate to think I couldn’t race people on the way Cali. Ohhhhhhh, and we’d have to get you (or George) that slobber towel.
*** HA! Probably both. You can drive, and my killer robot can ride shotgun, well, nuclear missle, whatevah. ~Laura
I was with you until the hobos. That does nothing for me..LOL
Sean and I would build a huge cat rescue (and occassional dogs) place for their forever home.
*** Oh, I would provide shelter and care for lots of animals, just I want to take care of a few things first. HA! ~Laura
I’d just keep on ranching until it was all gone too.
*** There you go. ~Laura
Nothing about finding the goat J won’t get for you? With all that money you could launch a “goat finding mission” in an attempt to recover the goat that “you know is yours”.
You could be that rich woman who’s also crazy. You know because you’re not now…rich. HA!
Me, I’d be buying an island somewhere, and spend my days shooing off people from landing on it. You know, my own personal navy with torpedo boats, surface to air missles, and of course my own Phalanx system. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phalanx_CIWS
*** Cool! Oh, the goat would be found and it would have front row seats at the hobo fights. ~Laura
I would of thought that you would want to erect a building sized spider resembling your holiday spider on the empty lot of former employmemt. Having it incorporated into holiday spreads for all to see. That would be a totally awesome slap in the face to those beyotches!
*** HA! I need to hire you as a consultant when I win. ~Laura
We could set up a farm for lost goats on Nags Head and have our own speciality “purse” store (just in case a purse strap breaks like it did on our last trip)
*** That sounds like a plan. I love that place! ~Laura
Now Ruby Red has it down and I have a couple contestants to use for fodder…
*** I bet we’ll have an endless supply. ~Laura
You have inspired me to buy a lotto ticket. You truly are a visionary! Maybe playing will greatly improve my chances of winning, like one in a million maybe. And I love the idea of a hobo beat down. Isn’t that how Tyson started his career? I want an invite if you hit before I do!
*** Okay, I will invite you, and if you win, send me enough to pay some hobos at least. ~Laura
Laura wrote:
“Killer robots would be more dependable.”
Hmmm…
HAL?
The robots from the Will Smith movie I Robot?
The Sentinels, of X-Men fame?
Killer robots seem to have a nasty habit of concluding that all humans need to be turned into sushi and fed to wild beasts. And with the things you’ve written about your cat, don’t be so sure she won’t have your killer robots reprogrammed to hunt your ass down and carve you into cat-sized steaks.
** Hmmm.. you may be right. I have caught Thelma watching the Food Network channel whilst they’re carving meat on more than one occasion. ~Laura
Hobo fights would be cool. Of course, with all the millions you’ve won from the lottery, you would have to use some of that dough to televise the events. You could call it the Ultimate Hobo Fighting Championship. Maybe the Ultimate Hobo Deathmatch. Put a pile of sterno and rotgut and bottles of “corn squeezins” in the middle, and the last hobo standing gets the goods. Open up betting on the matches too.
*** I believe you just got a job managing fights. ~Laura
LMAO! I myself would buy my sister’s place in Tennessee and start raising bucking bulls, but revenge sounds really sweet too.
**** Ooo and use hobos to train your bucking bulls! Excellent. ~Laura
HA! FINALLY a job for your Court Witch, my queen? Do I get to paint the roses red….. with blood and carnage??
I’ll be on the assassin squad, thanks! I got some beeyotches ta take care of… as long as you don’t mind?
*** DEAL! Get dem bitches- off with their heads! ~Laura
Beatings, spider decorations?
GD it, you are really pushing that NO CRAZY sh*t thing in my internet pretend friend stalking hobby arent ya?
*** Ha! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? ~Laura
You slayed me with the beat down idea
OH and the army of robots with weapons? GENIUS
that is all
*** Girl, I want a killer robot sooo bad before I die, I really think I’ll have to fund the production. ~Laura
Love the hobo beat down – oddly enough, we were talking about hoboes this morning at breakfast as prep for an Ash Wednesday sermon. Weird. Could you have a few midget wrestling matches as well? I know it is not PC, but I love it so. I remember the year my boss had us all go around the table and say what we would do if we won the lottery. When I said I wouldn’t be back to work and wouldn’t even call in sick, she squinked her eyes at me. Boogerhead.
*** You should have said you would pay midgets to fight to the death. Ha! ~Laura
Hmm…More $ than I can fathom ?…I’d buy the presidency. Then bring Churchill’s bust back into the Oval Office that Obama removed. Then I’d remove all elected persons in DC who’ve been treating the Constitution like it’s cage lining. Then for some some fun…Police Everywhere would be instructed to stop people who were driving UNDER the speed limit to see just what the bloody F*ing Hell their problem is for being such miserable slugs….and write citations !
If you can’t get the hell out of the way, you don’t belong on the road.
*** Trouble on the drive home? Ha! ~Laura
Laura. Oh Laura.
This shit needs to be in a book. AND, you need to let me into your blog admin to put a facebook like button at the top of every post so people can facebook your craziness easily. and also to make your header link back to home because that shit drives me crazy when I finish commenting and the only way back to your front page is to hit the back button. Grrr. But anyway. Wait where did that come from?
*** HA! My publishing platform (MT) sucks. ~Laura
I’d probably disappear. Mountain fortress or something. After the office bitches in the arena fight though, can’t miss that.
*** HA! I know right? ~Laura
How about…killer FLYING MONKEY robots???
(then you would have some to fetch when you called for them)
*** That’ll work. ~Laura
WWWEEEEEEE!!!!!!
*** WEEE! ~Laura
Evidently you can fathom that many dollars just fine.
*** Ha! I sure can. ~Laura
What about that Michael Kors bag? I can’t believe you didn’t mention it.
**** Ohh , I’ll get my Michael Kors purse one day, lottery or not. ~Laura