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WEEEEE*cough*EEEEEEE! | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

So I got my new coffee maker on Friday and on Saturday I was on my second pot of coffee when I flipped the channel to some show about tuberculosis. They were talking about some dude who had the deadly strain and had spread it all over the place and gave it to a lot, like thousands, of innocent bystanders before they could quarantine him. Then they said something about TB killing like a gazillion people every year but I couldn’t hear the exact figure because suddenly I was having a coughing fit and I felt my chest tightening. I remembered I had gone to the bank Friday after work and there was a teller that was coughing into her hand and then she called “Next!” and that was me and I had to get cash and she counted it out into my hand before saying “Have *cough* a nice *cough* day.” So I was pretty sure the bitch gave me TB.

 

I called J, who couldn’t come over this weekend because he’s a very busy, important person, and I told him I had tuberculosis. And to emphasize this, I coughed. He asked me if I was watching TLC again and that I shouldn’t because I get every disease they showcase and I told him I didn’t know what channel it was, that wasn’t important, what was important was that the teller at the bank gave me TB and I may need to be quarantined. Then I told him to hold on while I filled my big slurpee cup with more coffee. When I returned he asked how many coffees I had and when I told him he said I was on a caffeine rush and to stop drinking so much and eat something and my tuberculosis would be cured. I told him he didn’t understand, the experts on the show said TB was an epidemic and I could feel phelgm forming in my throat and lungs as I spoke. He told me that was probably coffee coating my tongue and that next time I need to watch a program about nymphomania before calling him. I hung up on him. Sonsabitch.

39 Comments
 

39 Responses to WEEEEE*cough*EEEEEEE!

  1. Larry says:

    “and that next time I need to watch a program about nymphomania before calling him”
    And just for that line, J is my hero.
    *** HAHA! Nazi lovah!! Ha! ~Laura

  2. Jeffro says:

    TB kicks thumb rabies’ ass. Fact.
    *** HA! And I watched House last night and I think I have lupus. ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! Score one for J! LOL
    *** Nazi lovah. ~Laura

  4. Tad says:

    nymphomania and coffee go good together… All nighters… Weeeeeeeeeeee!
    *** HA! ~Laura

  5. One Crazed Chick says:

    What exactly is J trying to tell you?? LMAO, he’s just too funny. I’m terribly sorry about your TB tho, it can be very very hard on you. Maybe you should take a vacation!! I’m sure you’ve earned one!
    *** I HAVE! And I am! This weekend…this beach, wanna come? ~Laura

  6. Ruby Red says:

    Good call “J”… I’m with you.
    *** Another Nazi Lovah! ~Laura

  7. Yabu says:

    I’m downtown with the NAZI. You need to teach him more English.
    *** HAHA! ~Laura

  8. The Other Crazed Chick says:

    Ahhhhh, the beach. Ummm, please remind me to do the restaurant thingie today…. and I also think that nymphomania would go very well with coffee….sounds like a very sensible combination.
    *** I will remind you, Nazi Lovah. ~Laura

  9. hoodyhoo says:

    Oh NOES! The unattended child that coughed on me this weekend must have had TB, too! J and Chuckweasel will be sorry when we’re both in the sanitarium wasting away in beautiful gauzy dresses (that’s what TV told me happens when you have TB).
    ***HAHA! OH I think Sears has beautiful TB gauzy dresses on sale this week, I’ll pick you up one. ~Laura

  10. Boneybutt says:

    Oh oh oh yes I want to go to the beach with you! I’m so lucky you asked!!!! I’ll even drive, I know where all the Starbucks are too!
    *** It’s a deal then! Ha! ~Laura

  11. Curtal Friar says:

    :D I do like J’s line about nymphomania.
    You should never ever ever watch any kind of show or documentary that features the Ebola virus.
    *** I feel ill just thinking about Ebola. ~Laura

  12. The Nickster says:

    tase yourself and you will be cured. also, please be sure to post a picture of the cure, and in support of J, clothing optional.
    *** DAMN. You are obsessed with that taser aren’t you? ~Laura

  13. garnet says:

    I HAVE TB TOO! I got mine from an asshole in a store. Hacking his disgusting lungs up all over the place!! UGGGH!! *COUGH* lol
    *** That bastard!! ~Laura

  14. Rick Martin says:

    Tell J to watch Queer as Folk and then call me. LMAO!
    Love ya!
    *** I don’t know what that is,nNot that there’s anything wrong with that. ~Laura

  15. laughingmom says:

    Promise you will never do a google search on the health benefits of coffee.
    Now promise you will never do an internet search on the health risks of coffee.
    You may now continue to consume the black gold in mass quantities.
    *** HA! Okay, now you have me curious…. ~Laura

  16. Steph says:

    Oh, my old friend hypochondria. She’s a bitch.
    I’m pretty sure my brain tumor made me swear just then. I recommend MORE coffee to chase the TB out.
    *** HAHA! Hell yeah! MORE coffee! Weeeee! ~Laura

  17. Shelly says:

    LOL! Damn those coughing tellers!!
    *** YEAH! Damn them! ~Laura

  18. Now you have been told about coffee being a diuretic, right?
    *** That’s a good thing though, right? you feel less fluffy. ~Laura

  19. Jena says:

    Tell J he has it backwards… “J, who couldn’t come over this weekend because he’s a very busy, important person”. It’s not you, it’s him. HA!
    *** YEAH! Sonsabitch. ~Laura

  20. Jena says:

    you gotta die of something so drink coffee!
    *** And vodka! ~laura

  21. It is good for not feeling too fluffy, but Husband refuses to let me drink it on or before long car rides.
    Sorry to hear about your TB. If it makes you feel any better I have Tennis Elbow, a pimple and a cold sore. And I don’t even play tennis.
    *** Damn girl, that sounds like you have the plague. ~Laura

  22. Elphaba says:

    Pshaw….I’m sure that what you have ain’t TB, Laura, it’s just lil’ ole case of common lung rabies. Practically everybody has it right now; ’tis the season. In fact, WP is just recovering from a virulent case of lung rabies, himself. It might make you *wish* you were dead for a few days, but it won’t kill you.
    *** OH NO! The rabies is just taking over my body anymore. ~Laura

  23. You simply crack me up. Every day I visit your site twice.
    *** Aww, well, thanks! ~ Laura

  24. lifeshighway says:

    Sorry, but on team J on this one.
    Although perhaps in his cleverness he forgot nyphmos are also sex addicts who are not too discriminant in their partners.
    *** Yeah, he better watch what he wishes for! Ha! ~Laura

  25. Barry says:

    You and J must be made for each other. He seems to handle you very well. And coffee consumed in mass quantities should cure or kill about anything. Including TB.
    *** That’s what I’m counting on. ~Laura

  26. Sugar Free says:

    I am immune to TB because I drink like 6 glasses of orange juice every night. I’m not sure if it’s the OJ that fights off the TB or the sick amounts of vodka that I add to it. Either way…..
    *** Ha! Vodka is good for rabies too. ~Laura

  27. George says:

    Fortunately for you, the U.S. gummint uses something in it’s processing of bills that render them somewhat antiseptic!
    *** Oh I hope so…cause the TB Teller was gonna be turned into the CDC. ~Laura

  28. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    SCORE one for J.
    *** Nazi lovah! ~ Laura

  29. Angie Martinez says:

    Oh my gravy….Laura you HAVE to help me! I don’t know if I have TB of the eye, or rabies of the eye, or some freakish TB/rabies combination of the eye! My eye has been super itchy and sore and then when I woke up this morning it was CRUSTED OVER with some sort of rabies/TB gunk and I couldn’t open it and my D(amn)Husband didn’t give me any sympathy for my half blind state and then *refused* to kiss me goodbye because of the gunk! What am I going to do? I look to you as a role model and pillar of strength in these sort of situations. *sob* You’re my only hope Obi Wan….
    *** HA! I think it’s eye leprosy. It will probably fall out in a day or two, unless you find Jesus ’cause he was all about saving the lepers. Get well soon. ~Laura

  30. zonker says:

    Springtime for J and nymphomania; winter for Laura and TB…
    *** HA! Sounds like a song. ~Laura

  31. LeeAnn says:

    I hope for your sake TLC never does a show about prostates.
    *** I think I had that removed. ~Laura

  32. Jan says:

    I had a coworker with TB a while ago, but thank T-Rex I avoided coming down with it myself. Chocolate is good as a caffeine chaser for revving up your immune system. Well, maybe not, but I’m going to believe it anyway.
    *** I think coffee cures everything. Weeeee! ~Laura

  33. Nancy in Iowa says:

    Laura, didn’t you know that coffee causes TB? I never drink the stuff and I’ve never had TB!!! Fact!!
    *** Wait a minute…everyone else said it cured it! Fuck!! How can I ever believe the Internet again?? ~Laura

  34. Nicole says:

    No sympathy. Humph. He’ll be sorry one day.
    *** For reals. ~ Laura

  35. rdennis says:

    Nymphomania. Hmmmmmm, hell yes! Now that is a cool, disease!Let me know if you need any help with that one. :)
    *** Oh lawd. Ha! ~Laura

  36. Suzanne says:

    For Angie Martinez, I think you have Chagas disease. And when I say think, I mean that from the perspective of a person who has a Masters in Public Health….so I have a good idea about how germs get from one person to the next. You’re doomed. Sorry.
    *** Danm, doomed. That’s harsh. Ha! ~Laura

  37. Liz says:

    To hell with the diseases! You were on your SECOND pot of coffee?? Good gawd Laura! You might drown yourself in coffee. Slow down newbie!! PS – I hope the TB (or lung rabies) goes away quickly.
    *** I have sinced slowed down. I got a belly ache too. Ha! ~Laura

  38. AmyLynn says:

    heeee J and nyphomania
    How are your symptoms now?
    I love the way you laugh at yourself
    that is all
    *** NEVER take yourself seriously my old carzy-ass papaw used to tell me. Oh, and I am much better, thank you for asking. ~Laura

  39. Angie Martinez says:

    Suzanne! I got bug poop in my eye???? Oh dear Lord. I am so lucky to have found this community of experts. I regret that I am doomed to knowing y’all for such a short amount of time. But you can be comforted by the fact that you helped me before I died of bug poop in the eye.
    *** We are to the Internet what House is to television. ~Laura

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