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Nectar of the gods. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Coffee Maker

One of my friends gave me a coffee maker Friday. This is the very first coffee maker I have ever owned. Seriously. Being on a low-carb diet, I recently discovered the wonderful sweetness of an iced (I don’t like hot drinks) latte with sugar-free hazelnut syrup, heavy cream, and Splenda from Starbucks. Not only did I discover this delicious zero-carb concoction, but I discovered CAFFEINE. Sweet Baby Jesus wearing a Jet Pack! Why didn’t someone tell me about this wonderful substance before? Weeee!

So anyway, now I have a coffee maker and a substance addiction like a real grown-up! The most disappointing thing I found out in this whole adventure though is that Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee does not in fact taste like donuts. And that folks is false advertising. Sonsabitches. Weeee!


50 Responses to Nectar of the gods.

  1. Michelle says:

    I am so sorry. I was sure you knew about the joy that is coffee. I am glad you have joined us. Weee
    *** I have come to the dark roasted side. Ha! ~Laura

  2. Jennifer says:

    Mmmmm coffee…. now you’re one of us! lol
    *** Mmmm hazelnut and cream… ~Laura

  3. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    Dunkin’ Donuts is one of the best coffees.
    *** That’s what I had heard. But sadly, it still doesn’t taste like donuts. ~Laura

  4. Ruby Red says:

    What did you do before, to wake up in the morning? I mean “HOW HAVE YOU SURVIVED All THIS TIME” with out caffeine? you poor poor child. Welcome!
    *** I didn’t do anything to wake up but wake up, which may explain a lot. HA! ~Laura

  5. garnet says:

    I love how you doctor it all up though!
    *** I have the taste buds of a twelve year old. Ha! ~Laura

  6. The Nickster says:

    Wow…based on this revelation, I am thinking we should probably talk about the birds and the bees post haste.
    *** HA! What about ‘em? Ha! ~Laura

  7. Tad says:

    Ahhh! no wonder you were the ZOMBIE type! Now I understand you completely…HA!
    *** Well, hopefully I wasn’t the zombie. ~Laura

  8. Steph says:

    That’s awesome! Congrats and welcome to the caffeine lovin dark side :)
    ***Heehee thank you. ~Laura

  9. lifeshighwy says:

    Whoa, you mean have been off caffeine all this time. Look out world.
    *** HA! That’s what J said! ~Laura

  10. hoodyhoo says:

    ummm… what did you do to deserve a coffee maker? No one has EVER given me ANY appliance for no good reason…
    *** I have some good friends for sure. ~Laura

  11. The Nickster says:

    I think “Kindergarten Cop” summed it up: “Boys have penises and girls have vaginas”. End of lesson.
    *** It’s not a tummah! ~Laura

  12. Sam I Am says:

    So…you’re still drinkin’ the cold stuff? Oh, darlin’ – walk on the wild side and try it hot. You will be transported to a new level of orgasmic delight and have no need for J OR Boo, but probably a quick lesson from The Nickster (just to be sure you understand all the repercussions). And next time the winter holidays roll around, get that pumpkin creamer from Coffeemate or whoever (it freezes well, trust me)…OMG…the rest of the year, there’s always chocolate…
    *** Mmmm… pumpkin. I am just not a hot drinker, but we’ll see. Apparently, I’m a late bloomer. ~Laura

  13. Yabu says:

    I have a coffee machine with a built in grinder and timer. Don’t need an alarm clock, I just load it at night, set the timer, and when it goes off in the morning it sounds like an A-6 Intruder. No way anyone could sleep through that. Probably wakes up the neighbors as well. It is so loud it will probably kill all tummahs within a thousand yards.
    *** HA! That doesn’t sound pleasant. Ha! ~Laura

  14. patti says:

    you got out of the military without discovering coffee? how the hell did that happen!
    Seattle’s Best is pretty darned good coffee too.
    *** I KNOW! I was the only person who didn’t drink the java there! ~Laura

  15. LeeAnn says:

    You heard, then, about how Girl Scout cookies are big liars too? Not a smidge in ‘em.
    *** DAMMIT!! That’s the only reason I order cases of them! ~Laura

  16. Dave Lowe says:

    I must agree with you, Laura, I am also not much for hot drinks. If it’s hot and in a cup, it should be soup. That is until my dream comes true and gravy becomes an accepted beverage.
    My wife clued me in on your blog, and I must say it is nice to find someone as absolutely insane as I am. Feel free to check out my poor excuse for a blog.
    Please remain where you are, the authorities will be there soon with a net and a straitjacket.
    *** HAHA! Being sane is completely over-rated. I heard. And mmmmm…gravy… oh, I will also be checking your site out when I get home. ~Laura

  17. MorningGlory says:

    Wow. A coffee-free life. I can’t imagine. Really?
    What scares me is the idea that you haven’t been on caffeine all this time. I mean, what will happen now that you’re all awake and junk? {{{shudder}}}
    *** Why is everyone saying that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! ~Laura

  18. Boneybutt says:

    Sounds like I need to take you to Gloria Jeans in Charleston. You should taste their german chocolate cake iced coffee!! hmmmmmmmmmm
    **** Mmmmmmmmmm…cake…..weeee! ~Laura

  19. Erik says:

    “Welcome to the party, pal!”
    When I work from home I have at least 2 cups a joe(coffee for you newbies), one spoonful of Splenda each, and a bit o the cream d jour. That’s before 9AM. Sometimes its 3 cups. But never more than that, cause that would entail me making another pot, and I am too lazy for that.
    When I go into the office, its a container of Diet Coke in the AM. I LUVE Diet Coke.
    Saw a commercial or something about cremation/death, I told my wife that I want to be cremated. She says, “ANd put into an urn above the fireplace?” I told her no, put me into a 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke, that’s more me. But make it a nice bottle at least.”
    *** Damn, that’s really liking the Diet Coke! Ha! ~Laura

  20. laughingmom says:

    Singing coffee’s praises as I read this -LAA!! Has anyone warned you that you’ll be needing extra potty time as the thing about coffee is you only borrow it for a short while…
    *** Uh oh, like beer? ~Laura

  21. Coffee has become my daily vitamin. I might be able to live with out wine, but never without coffee. Okay, maybe I could live with out tea, but never coffee and wine.
    *** HAHA! I was gonna say…without wine?! NEVAH! Weeee! ~Laura

  22. rdennis says:

    (this is just for the others who read this, to read and not the crazy women who owns and writes this stuff) RUUUNNNN! RUUUUNNNNN! WE ARE SO SCREWED!!!! ARRGGGGHHHH! SHE HAS THE POWER OF CAFFEINE WORKING FOR HER NOW! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!
    *** HAHA! You know you love it! WEEEEEEEEEE!!! ~Laura

  23. Liz says:

    Welcome to the coffee drinkin’ side of the world Laura! Can’t do a day without the stuff. Try some of the flavored coffee out there. There IS donut flavored coffee but not for regular coffee makers (only for the brand I own!). WEEEEEEE!
    **** HAHA! WEEEEE! Is that one of those fancy single cup machines I looked at? Is it worth the price? Ha, listen to me, ready for the big league! WEEEE! ~Laura

  24. cbullitt says:

    Right, it doesn’t taste like donuts. You know what else? Starbuck’s doesn’t taste like stars either.
    Of course, you’d need to drink something more than caffeine to know what I’m talking about.
    Though most of us who have can barely remember the ’70s anymore…as I recall.
    *** Ohhh I partook in a lil reefer in my youth…..WEEEEE! ~Laura

  25. Kim says:

    Caffeine helps with headaches, too…though if you drink too much (barrels, I guess) you get rebound headaches.
    Try Irish Coffee. That will bring you around to the hot side…
    *** Oooo and I am Irish….And now I can say I need my Hazelnut creamery coffee for my health! WEEEEEEEEEEE! ~Laura

  26. Curtal Friar says:

    Now, if you really wanna go wheeeee!, then go to your local Starbucks or other coffee joint, get one of their iced concoctions to suit your tastes, and tell them to drop in four shots of espresso.
    I do that every now and then if I’m tired or drowsy at work. Typically, my normal talking speed increases by 3 – 4X and I can outthink everyone else in the office when I drink one of those. Just leave me a clear path cause I go through, it’ll be fast. :D
    *** Damn, doesn’t your heart explode? Ha! And does the expresso make it taste more coffeee-ty? ~Laura

  27. Barry says:

    Wow. I never dreamed you hadn’t been introduced to coffee. More surprised that post wasn’t 20 pages. You never stop learning.
    *** HA! I tasted it when I was a teen and thought it gross. Then I went into Starbucks sometime last year and drank a Chai Tea Frapp and found it delightful- also too sinful to drink often. But NOW- WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ~Laura

  28. Meredith says:

    I bow down to your awesomeness!! I came upon your blog while reading another new one on my blogroll. I totally ditched the other one, became an instant Laura devotee and commenced to reading your archives from 11 pm last night until 3:30ish am today. I laughed myself into what I am sure was an asthma attack…quite an impressive thing, as I am not asthmatic. I am exhausted & cranky today but it is was all worth it! Instead of doing what many of my fellow South Louisianians are doing this fine Lundi Gras and partying like rock stars, I am working my way thru the 2010 archives. Sonsabitch! Along with a heartfelt Merci Beaucoup for the mirth and merriment!
    *** WOW What an endorsement! I am humbled by your compliments (and THAT is hard to do.) Welcome and don’t forget to get some partying in. Show some boobs for beads in my honor! Though when I did it they threw me a shirt and told me to “cover that shit up.” Jealous Sonsabitches. ~Laura

  29. zonker says:

    French press. Seriously.
    *** Does that require special equipment and math? ‘Cause I was told there’d be no math. ~Laura

  30. Liz says:

    Laura – the donut flavored coffe is made for a Keurig maker (my brand). The coffee is (belive this or not) “Donut House Coffee” in “chocolate glazed” flavor. TOTAL YUM! They also have a cinnamon roll flavor! I think the Keurig is worth its weight in gold!
    *** OH MY GOD! If you tell me they have Cake Donut with White Icing and Sprinkles flavor I am ordering one today. Oooo or Circus Peanut flavor……..mmmmmm. ~Laura

  31. Curtal Friar says:

    Laura, the drinks I had with the four shots of espresso did not taste more coffeee-ty. The bulk of the drink was the chocolate and the mint and white chocolate flavors added. Very strong chocolate flavor. You can taste something of the coffee, but the chocolate and mint flavors claimed dominance.
    Chocolate with attitude!
    **** Oooooo I can get down with a chocolate caffeine rush…WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ~Laura

  32. AmyLynn says:

    welcome to the super secret caffeinated bloggers club.
    you should give some to your flying monkeys
    That is all
    *** Then my monkeys will be all WEEEEEEE! ~Laura

  33. AlisonsDiary says:

    Oh nice to know bad behaviour rules in the US of A …meanwhile in Scotland…drink has been taken and a carb frenzy has ensued. Fat ass, shrunken liver, regrets, sugar and halitosis. Hormones and hangovers. What a combo.
    *** You just summed up my life. Ha! ~Laura

  34. DogsDontPurr says:

    Look out Charlie Sheen….Laura’s on caffeine!!!!
    *** I”M A WINNER!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ~Laura

  35. Jan says:

    Laura on caffeine? Holy shit are we in trouble now!

  36. SB Smith says:

    Once a day in the AM I drink my only coffee for the day. A double espresso made with Medaglia D’Oro instant espresso. I put coffeemate, splenda, cinnamon powder and cayenne powder in it.
    It would taste good cold too if I wanted it cold.
    *** Cayenne eh? Expresso sounds like the heroin of the coffee world. ~Laura

  37. Brea says:

    Sic’em, Tiger. Who says breakfast is the most important meal of the day?
    Not caffeine drinkers, that’s fer damnsure.
    I’m a chai-tea girl, with a vicious Diet Coke habit.
    *** I was enjoying some chai tea fraps, but they’re full of sugar and I don’t drink brewed tea much cause I don’t like that whole hot drink thing. ~Laura

  38. Jena says:

    Ive been drinking cold coffee since I was 4ish and living in Japan. You’ve got a lotta catching up to do.
    DD coffee sucks. Just so you know you aren’t drinking high quality coffee.
    Caffine rules. It actually doesnt get me wired but I like it.
    Try the vanilla flavored one in a coke sometime.
    *** I don’t really drink sodas. So what coffee do you think is good? ~Laura

  39. Jena says:

    You need to invest in a Keurig coffee maker. FACT.
    *** Ha! I see….~Laura

  40. Nancy in Iowa says:

    Oh. My. God. You mean my dislike of coffee is the reason I sleep until noon? The only thing that gets me up, since I retired, is my cat jumping up and down on me asking to be fed.
    *** HA! I’d sleep until noon if I could. My cat tried to smother me if I’m in bed past 6. ~Laura

  41. Jena says:

    I emailed you the details….Ha! weeeee!!!
    *** WEEEEE! And I answered! WEEEEEEEEEE! ~Laura

  42. Cheryl says:

    I think it’s hysterical that you just discovered the joy of caffeine! – not unlike my own grown daughter:)I don’t know how you girls have kept up the energy without it…i’m not your usual demographic and this is my first brave comment but I’ve bookmarked your blog and try desperately to keep my snort/laugh quiet while I plug away at my own desk job.
    *** Well welcome and feel free to comment anytime! I love the attention! And I would have drank coffee years ago if I knew it had this effect! Weeeeeee! ~Laura

  43. Jean says:

    While I was in Iraq, I had my mom (morningglory) send me coffee with every care package she sent. Pretty sure I would have broken a few people faith in humanity if I didn’t have coffee…. both morning and night.
    *** I would have asked for Circus Peanuts. And bacon. ~Laura

  44. CGHill says:

    Coffee, schmoffee: I have had the misfortune of visiting a Dunkin’ Donuts location where the actual donuts didn’t taste like donuts.
    *** Ewww… I do prefer Krispy Kremes. ~Laura

  45. Jeffro says:

    You’re gettin’ into Tiger Blood territory! Winning! Absolute Ninja Warrior Vatican Assasin, baybee! That whore won’t be able to comprehend the power of your mind, and George will be yours – all yours!
    *** YEAH BABY! WEEEEEE! ~Laura

  46. Teresa says:

    It’s too late at night for me to whoop it up, but I will say the only way I can drink coffee is with chocolate. I have some ever day. Only once though or I bounce off walls.
    *** But bouncing off the walls is kind of fun. Well, I guess not if you gotta sleep. ~Laura

  47. Suzanne says:

    I am sorry to see your Mormon fans go. I mean your wholesome blog about the acts of kindness you routinely perform provided just the type of reading material they enjoyed. BUT NOW you have been seduced by the twin evils of hot beverages and caffeine. I am sure they are currently setting up pray circles – which gets you more attention, which is what you wanted….great plan.
    *** HAHA Wholesome blog! OH That’s right! They don’t drink caffienated beverages! They are really missing out…WEEEE! ~Laura

  48. Larry says:

    Is it wrong that I first thought your bottle of flavoring was alcoholic? Just because mine would have been doesn’t mean everyone’s is I guess.
    Hmmm…Dunkin’ Donuts coffee with Starbucks flavor syrup.
    *** Oooo alcohol…good idea.. Ha! ~Laura

  49. Sandy says:

    Welcome to the world of caffeine addicts!!
    *** Thank you! Weee! ~Laura

  50. I was all set to REALLY whoopee you for the coffee until I saw the crack on DunkinDonuts and the sickening “I **prefer** Krispy Kreme”. Well, shit. I think Bill the Cat said it best, “Ack. Gack. Thptpth!!”
    *** HA! Gurllllll, a hot Krispy Kreme is simply delish on so many levels! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmm. ~Laura

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