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Any minute now I’m expecting a call from HGTV offering me my own show on design. And I’ll demand $3 million an episode and a pile of cocaine and porn stars. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

If you’ve been reading this blog (well since December 2010 anyway) you all know the story of the Christmas spider and how I committed blasphemy by decorating a Christmas Tree at work with a spider and everyone lost their shit like I personally smothered baby Jesus or something. Well, I have decorated that spider for every holiday since, along with decorating the “holiday wall” as garishly as I possibly can. With St. Patrick’s Day approaching it was conveyed to me that management wanted the decorations “toned down and tasteful and minimal” from now on and the spider put away until Halloween because people complained. Yeah. So here’s some pics of my “toned down and tasteful and minimal” decorating.



St. Patrick's Day Wall


Oh, I’m sorry, that’s the opposite wall. Here’s the “holiday wall.”



St. Patrick's Day Wall


Happy St. Patrick’s Day, you Bunch O’Bitches.

47 Comments
 

47 Responses to Any minute now I’m expecting a call from HGTV offering me my own show on design. And I’ll demand $3 million an episode and a pile of cocaine and porn stars.

  1. Michelle says:

    LOVE IT! It is all things Irish. Wonderful job.
    *** Thank you! ~Laura

  2. Jennifer says:

    I LOVE IT! LOL!
    And I love that video- cats with thumbs- in your links!
    *** Isn’t that a hoot? ~Laura

  3. Curtal Friar says:

    That spider is really becoming a jack of all trades.
    You should have put up him up for Mardi Gras. The possibilities would have been endless.
    *** I Thought about that! They give me an annual budget of about $5.00 so I have to pick my holidays wisely. Ha! ~Laura

  4. Holly says:

    Okay, now I’ve caught my breath, don’t they know Ireland has spiders?
    And St Patrick drove the serpents from Ireland, well maybe it was typo and he actually drove the spiders.
    And duh he’s like the official office mascot, Halloween should be just him sat on a giant throne giving out candy.
    *** I think he did according to Stephen King. I personally think the spider MAKES the holidays complete and everyone threatens to go put it in the storage closet! Bunch o’bitches. ~Laura

  5. garnet says:

    THAT is a fantastic wall of Irish Pride! Tell those bunch o’bitches to suck it up and GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!
    *** HAHAHA! OKAY! ~Laura

  6. Stacy says:

    Yopu really should get 3 million an episode! I mean, if they offer you a show…
    *** Hell yeah they should, I mean, if they offer me a show. ~Laura

  7. One Crazed Chick says:

    I actually had to ask if the spider was pooping gold and was told it was throwing up the gold. For you, it’s a bit scaled down!
    *** I know, right? I prefer a lot of cursing and mayhem and murder in my themed walls, but I keep it professional. HA! ~Laura

  8. Princess says:

    Personally, I think your decorating savvy is second to none, and that is why you are asked to do the decorating. I also think , just for shits and grins, that the spider should have a little leprechaun coming out his ass. Take that you Bunch O’Bitches.
    *** HA! They’d all be “Whut?Huh?” ~Laura

  9. Tad says:

    perfect… absolutely perfect. Can you please come work in our office?
    *** HELL NO. HAHA! ~Laura

  10. stephanie says:

    OMG! I just saw the funeral pic on your last entry and I about choked laughing! “Bazooka salute” LMFAO!!!
    *** It was a somber affair though. ~Laura

  11. Yabu says:

    Nice job. You should make some more of the opposite wall, take ‘em and the spider to Savannah, and hawk ‘em for some Guinness. Not the spider of course, it will ward off evil Leprechauns and maybe get one to fess up the location of a pot of gold.
    You never know.
    *** HA! I could use some gold that’s for sure. ~Laura

  12. hoodyhoo says:

    ‘Cause that’s how WE do tasteful, bitches! Suck my shillelagh!
    *** HAHA! EXACTLY! ~Laura

  13. Jeffro says:

    Not only is the spider holding beer mugs, his legs have built in lighting! I mean, how Irish can you get? Them bitches have no taste, I tell ya. No taste at all.
    *** I KNOW! They also smell bad- the bitches, not the Irish. ~Laura

  14. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    The Holiday Wall- EPIC. The funeral with honors picture in the previous post- FUCKING EPIC.
    *** Thanks. ~Laura

  15. LeeAnn says:

    I can’t wait for Easter.
    *** Ha! Me neither….Reeses Eggs….mmmm…. ~Laura

  16. Easter, hell! I want to see what you do for Mother’s Day!!
    I would save that pic and printed for all my mom day cards.
    *** HA! I was thinking the spider in a labor room type theme. Like have it on a birthing chair type apparatus with all it’s legs pushed up around it’s head and have a baby doll covered in red jello shooting out of it’s rear. Too sentimental? ~Laura

  17. Ruby Bud says:

    New Here! but you are the Queen of Awesomeness. I think I’m gonna like it here!
    *** HA@” Queen of Awesomeness.” I thought only I thought that…it is good to see my voodoo brain-washng is working. And Welcome! ~Laura

  18. lifeshighway says:

    I love warm hearted holiday traditions. May everyone have a Paddy 0′spider for their favorite Irish celebration. I think you should make a spider calendar for next year.
    *** HAHA! And send all the proceeds go to The Stop Being Such A Bitch Foundation? ~ Laura

  19. MorningGlory says:

    No one appreciates art while the artist is still alive. I bet when you’re dead the bitches will be all like “Yeah, I used to work with Laura. She was teh awesome, and did the BEST holiday decorations”. Bitches.
    *** HAHA! I bet they’ll be going “YAY! SHE’S DEAD!” Fucking bitches. HA! ~Laura

  20. patti says:

    Having been to Ireland 4 times – and even driven there!- I happen to be an expert on all things Irish. In my expert opinion, that wall is PERFECT!
    *** Thank you. Ha! ~laura

  21. Steph says:

    I want you to decorate my house for Easter.
    *** Okay, but I’ll need $3 mil. Ha! ~laura

  22. rdennis says:

    Aye and tis a lovley wee spidey it is and he’s protectin me pot o gold. Why, you dun a lovely job their lass. Top of the mornin’ to yuh! May the 8 legged little fuzzy lay eggs in yur enemies hair, I’m sayin’. (of course, you need to read this with my Irish accent).
    *** And I did! Sounded like my papaw on my father’s side. Laura

  23. Jena says:

    AWESOME as usual. The spider is missing a button or sign saying “kiss me I’m Irish”. Maybe you should have put the shamrocks over the crotches with the “kiss me I’m Irish” written on it.
    *** I though about that! I really did. Ha! ~Laura

  24. Elphaba says:

    HAHAHAHA! Brilliant! I can’t wait to see what you do for Easter…
    *** Hehe I have big plans… ~Laura

  25. Okay, I am totally afraid of spiders, but I actually find this one to be festive and approachable. At least your office has cheer and holiday sparkle. I work in Hell with florescent lighting.
    *** Oh, that’s how the rest of the place is decorated- Hell with florescent lighting. ~Laura

  26. Erik says:

    If I were Irish, I would probably be more offended by the damn Leprechans and clovers than the spider. The spider is so cool.
    Too funny!
    Shameless plug: New Zombie chapters up on my blog. Yes, I got off my tail…
    *** ‘Bout time. I will have to check it out when I get home. I am Irish and I am not offended in the very least with Leprechans and clovers and I LOVE Lucky Charms…mmmm…carbs are magically delicious. ~Laura

  27. Dear Sweet Mama says:

    Coming from the Irish background meself – it’s pairfect.
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  28. Brea says:

    Them bitches better just back up and appreciate the HOLIDAY CHEER you’re bringing them! Ain’t everybody can get into the true spirit of the holidays like our Laura!
    Oy, and for Easter? Does the spider be gnawin’ the head off a stuffed bunny?
    Love the Mother’s Day idea! Very nurturing and the most natural act a mother can perform. You really get it. :D
    *** HAHA! I thought so. ~Laura

  29. AmyLynn says:

    Top O The Mornin to you Lassie.
    I think that one of your dinosaurs should be in that festive scene, perhaps with a wee lephrechaun riding him?
    Oh well shit have the lephrechaun hanging out of the dinosaur’s mouth all bloody…
    Ok I got carried away, I am feeling a wee bit violent today
    that is all
    *** Ha! I like that hanging out of mouth all bloody idea… ~Laura

  30. KLZ says:

    I’ve got a co-worker who decorates a skull for every holiday and I LOVE IT (picture me talking like Oprah here for maximum love it effect. Although I do not, in fact, love Oprah.)
    *** Oooo I bet I’d love it too, like Oprah except without the annoying Oprah-ness. ~Laura

  31. Amber says:

    *starts the count down until the jealous bitches start complaining and make the spider disappear*
    Jealousy, I tell ya!
    *** Those bitches are probably passing around a petition as I type this. ~Laura

  32. CGHill says:

    Sure, and it’s just a happy O’Rachnid. :)
    *** Ha! Indeed it is. ~Laura

  33. Barry says:

    The spider makes me look forward to the holidays. Great work! Those bitches don’t know how good they have it. I mean with your artistic eye and all. You need to keep a small empty box in your desk. And if they jerk the spider you can ask them where it went. Then reply “no, not that one, the one that was in this box!” Bitches. When you get the HGTV gig tell Charlie I said hi.
    *** HAHA! BRILLIANT spider idea! I’ll get a real one too, a poisonous one! And I will tell Charlie hi for ya. ~Laura

  34. Liz says:

    It is all about the jealousy. They can’t handle the decorating so they “hate” you because you do it RIGHT! What? Are they a bunch of spider haters? Does that make them racist agains spiders? Bitches!
    *** YEAH! The BITCHES are RACIST! Nazi bitches! ~Laura

  35. Teresa says:

    They are complaining because of the pink lights on the spider instead of green lights… right?
    *** HA! They are just spider haters. ~Laura

  36. Jan says:

    Festive spider is festive! Sounds like you work with a bunch of people that stayed home the day they were passing out senses of humor. Kinda like the people I work with, now that I mention it. Hmm, I may need a big ass spider too…
    *** Everyone needs a big ass spider. Fact. ~Laura

  37. DogsDontPurr says:

    The thought of you, on cocaine, with your own design show, and three million in your pocket just makes me giddy! Now THAT would be awesome TV viewing. True artistic talent WILL NOT be repressed!!
    *** Girrrl, I’d be the best fucking designer on HGTV! ~Laura

  38. One Crazed Chick says:

    Can I be the porn star???
    *** Not in my world. HA! ~Laura

  39. Sugar Free says:

    As an Irish woman, I have to tell you (with a tear in my eye) You done me proud, girl. You done me proud.
    *** Ha! Why thank you. ~Laura

  40. mel says:

    Oh Laura. I do love you so.
    But not in a gay way.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
    *** Ha! I love you too girl, and not in a gay way either. NTTAWWT. ~Laura

  41. Nicole says:

    The spider needs to keep starring in holidays. I can’t get one till Halloween and I must have one now that you’ve shown me how versatile they are.
    *** YES! You MUST get one, you won’t have to worry about storage. ~Laura

  42. Is he also wearing a top hat and bow tie? And is that the Christmas tree? These are the best decorations thus far.
    *** Yes, he’s wearing a top hat and bow tie and that is a Christmas tree with shamrocks on it. ~Laura

  43. Kristy says:

    LOL! Awesome!
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  44. Rick Martin says:

    Pure genius on so many levels!
    *** Why thank you, Rick. ~Laura

  45. Larry says:

    Top hats and green beer?
    Paddy Day Spider FTW!!!
    ***YEAH! ~Laura

  46. Jena says:

    I think after all the stink about the spider “someone” needs to readjust the lil dudes hands to cover their crotches. Just saying..
    *** Ha! ~Laura

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