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Henceforth he shall be known as “The Sighing Scooter Sonsabitch.” | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I go to the grocery store almost every Sunday morning. Early. The reason I go then is to avoid the general public. I don’t care for the general public so most of my errands are run when I have the best chance of avoiding most of them. With that being said, there are other people I run into week after week at the grocery store who I suspect are there at that time for the same reason. We pass each other in the aisles and nod knowingly and go about our business. Except one. This is about that motherfucker and why he has become my arch-nemesis.

This man is probably in his sixties, has a permanent scowl on his face and rides one of the store’s motorized scooters. I see him walking pretty well in and out of the store, even half lifting the scooter back in its rack when he’s done, but who am I to say he doesn’t need it? I’m not. But something makes me think he’s using the scooter for his diabolical plan of being an asshole and he’s pretty good at it.

If the man is in the store, and 9 out of 10 weeks he is, it seems every time I stop to read a label, or pick out the freshest vegetable, THERE HE IS with a nasty look on his face and sighing for all he’s worth, and not because he wants past me, because I don’t block aisles, no, he wants to be in the EXACT spot I’m at. For the longest time I used to say “Excuse me” and move my cart. Hell, I’d go to the other side of the store, and before too long there he was again, sighing and scowling. ALMOST. EVERY. TIME. But I’m not moving anymore. Now I stand my ground. I pretend I don’t see him or hear his sighs. I do what I have to do, sometimes even taking longer than needed, then I look at him and narrow my eyes and he looks at me and narrows his and sighs dramatically. No shit.

This past Sunday, it was even worse. Everywhere I went and stopped, there he was- wanting to be in that exact spot and sighing like a motherfucker. I rendered you all a drawing of me looking at the carbs on a ketchup bottle:

Grocert Store Asshole

My next stop was in the Hispanic/Ethnic aisle. I’m about to go all Mexican Jesus Candle Voodoo on his ass.


45 Responses to Henceforth he shall be known as “The Sighing Scooter Sonsabitch.”

  1. Jennifer says:

    OH MY GOD that drawing! LOLOLOLOL! That sonsabitch deserves voodooing!
    *** I think so. ~Laura

  2. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    You really should one day give away one of your renderings as a prize.
    *** HA! Like I’m all Monet or sumpin’. ~Laura

  3. One Crazed Chick says:

    LOL….maybe he likes you??
    *** Umm, no. We loathe each other. ~Laura

  4. lifeshighwy says:

    Just look at it this way, every superhero needs an arch-nemesis. A superhero who is stoic with their pain, and has develop mad voodoo skills. Without an arch-nemesis, how is a superhero supposed to improve?
    *** You are correct, as usually. It is a burden I bear. I will suffer silently. YEAH RIGHT! Ha! ~Laura

  5. The other Crazed Chic says:

    *** I will voodoo you too. You know I will. ~Laura

  6. Tad says:

    Maybe you remind him of his deceased wife…that he used to abuse….. Oh yeah.. he wants you!
    *** Consider youirself voodooed. ~Laura

  7. Yabu says:

    Put some Juju on his ass. The other day I was pushing my cart coming out of an isle. A woman was coming into the same aisle and we collided head on. I was laughing my ass off and she got all bitty and bitchy so I told her to watch where she was going and she was going the wrong way on the wrong side of the aisle. Afterward, I searched the store for her…I was going to ram her again, bitch. The opportunity never presented itself.
    *** Man oh man, I hate the rudeness and lack of humor people have. Uggh. Voodooo the bitch! ~Laura

  8. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmmm….you could always put on a fake cast that looks real enough, get on one of those scooters yourself, follow him around, and stop right behind him and start groaning and sighing loudly at each place he stops, until he moves.
    That, or make a voodoo doll of an old man on a scooter, and take that and a really large pin, and scowl, take out the doll, and start stabbing it repeatedly with the pin while he’s sitting there behind ya sighing.
    *** Dude, you’re like a mentor to me now. ~Laura

  9. Princess says:

    He probably cant talk so he just sighs and grunts…He is probably a really nice man that just wants to chop you into little pieces and hide you in his basement… do you have basements in South Carolina?
    *** No, we just throw our chopped up victims in the trunk of cars, along with the dead hookers. ~Laura

  10. Assonant assholes are teh worst.
    Wander over to the bug spray aisle and inattentively spray some into the air where he’s sighing. Ooopsie! I didn’t see you there!
    I’m sure they taught you all about chemical warfare in the Army. Or just eat beans for breakfast like those crazy Brits do; then you could crop-dust him. No fart like the silent-but-violent fart!
    *** You are my mentor too. ~Laura

  11. Jeffro says:

    If he were to come down with thumb rabies, perhaps he’d leave you alone at the store. Just saying…
    *** I bet with thumb rabies he couldn’t drive that scooter too well either… ~Laura

  12. garnet says:

    LMAO! I think he goes to my grocery store too!!
    *** You should keep him there. ~Laura

  13. hoodyhoo says:

    I think there’s something about those scooters that MAKES you a sonsabitch — I have the exact same guy in my Kroger, and I have tried actually RUNNING to get far enough ahead of him… but somehow he’s ALWAYS THERE…
    *** Jesus Christ. The dude is everywhere! He must be a demon. ~Laura

  14. Stacy says:

    LOVE THE DRAWING! LOL! He sounds like an asshole. Voodoo him into oblivion! lol
    *** Damn, you’re pretty harsh. I like that. You’re a mentor too. ~Laura

  15. Boneybutt says:

    I’m with Joe…sign it, mat it, frame it, and when you’re dead from your rabies afflictions, we can say we knew you when and make loads and loads of money off of you and go buy a Michael Kors purse to bury with you (or at least that’s my story). I’d probably just bury you with the knockoff while I kept the real deal!
    *** Consider yourself voodooed. Ha! ~Laura

  16. Curtal Friar says:

    Your story got me to remembering the scene from There’s Something About Mary, with that disabled guy in the motorized wheelchair that Ben Stiller’s character is trying to help load stuff into a truck. There was a real passive aggressive asshole. And I’ve seen that type in real life. Assholes like that make me want to do things like put a stick through the spokes of their wheels when they’re not looking, so that when they try to start up again, the wheels can’t move and they’re stuck in place while they sit there with a dumbfounded look on their asshole faces trying to figure out why they’re not moving.
    *** YEAH! Assholes! ~Laura

  17. Jena says:

    Yea, you do. But don’t do voodoo candle sex. It made it on the web. they burned their place down.
    I hate people on carts. I hated using one when I had too from surgery. People actually TRIED to hit me and once with a minivan. SERIOUSLY
    *** I hate rude people period. ~Laura

  18. When you do stick the voodoo doll, make sure you ram the pin up the doll’s ass, for maximum effect. He’ll writhe in agony and think it’s the scooter doing it.
    *** Hmmm…sounds like you’ve done this before… ~Laura

  19. MorningGlory says:

    I hate those scooter things. I always feel like they’re going to drive into my ankles and cripple me for life so they can get even for me not already being crippled. Sonsabitches. Mexican voodoo candles are definitely called for here.
    *** Oh, I just don’t like people being rude, no matter who they are. As anti-social as I am, I am not rude. But if you’re a sonsabitch- all bets are off. ~Laura

  20. Jackie says:

    Love your “renderings” as usual. I vote voodoo his ass!
    *** Thanks, and I think I will. ~Laura

  21. Erik says:

    OK, so reading other comments, it does sound like he IS flirting with you. He’s just REALLY BAD at it.
    Either that, or he’s just an old man with nothing else to do.
    I almost said something to this one old bat at the store. I was on “the wrong side of the aisle” and she said as much to someone else as she tried to pass. She tells the other lady, “You are OK. You are on the right side of the aisle”, with a smirk on her face. I almost lost it there, but I think I had one of my kids with me, and not wanting her last memory of daddy to be killing an old woman with his bare hands to be forever in her mind, I just ignored the comment.
    So, is there a “right side” in the supermarket aisle?
    *** No. To her, in her mind, there is.You should have killed her. Ha! The main “rule” is don’t park your cart where no one can get around it. ~Laura

  22. patti says:

    I’m done going out of my way for those people on the scooters – too many of them have no trouble getting off the damn things and loading their crap in their cars – yeah I’m hard hearted. So I just treat them the way I treat everyone else – all fair and balanced ya know. If they are polite, I am – if they are sonsabitches, well I can do that really well too.
    I like Curtal Friar’s idea – go for it! Think I’ll get me one of them dolls too – and some great big ol’ hat pins (do they still make those?) and keep them on hand at all times. Do you need a CCH to carry a voodoo doll and hat pin? hmmm…
    *** Ha! I don’t think so, well, I hope not cause I’m riding dirty if so. I am just so FED UP with rude sonsabitches I can scream most days. ~Laura

  23. Once while shopping I kept hearing this AWEFUL SCREECHING noise. Every aisle I would hear this SCREEEEECH and then it would stop. After the fourth aisle I turned to Husband and said ‘WTF! where is that SOUND coming from’ just as a LARGE lady on her scooter stops behind me. She followed us all over the store screeching her little scooter…SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! I drank an entire bottle of wine when we got home.
    *** HA! Wake up in the middle of night screaming hearing that sound did ya? I would have abandoned my cart and left and came back another time if I could. ~Laura

  24. AmyLynn says:

    Can you turn around and start filming him? Ask him how he became disbaled? Ask him for advice on collecting disability income….
    Ask him his social security number…
    he will scoot away for certain.
    New to your blog….found you through your zombie love poem post
    have a little bloggy crush on you
    that is all
    *** Awww, why thank you. I ought to just go all weird like that on him so he will run away. Knowing my luck though, I’d become his new best friend. Ha! ~Laura

  25. Steph says:

    Kick him in the shin, throw a can of peas at him, and run like hell. Betcha he backs off then.
    If not, then clearly he wants to date you.
    PS. I hate the general public too.
    *** Okay, that whole “wants to date you” part made me throw up in my mouth a little. ~Laura

  26. Jan says:

    Start asking him questions in whispers about the best ways to dispose of bodies, or what brand of knife holds up best when used to dismember people, or how to get blood stains out of carpet, or hide the smell of decomposition… you know, the important things that all mass murderers need to know.
    *** Ha! You are all mentors today! ~Laura

  27. Curtal Friar says:

    Yeah, going out on a date with the dude might not be a good idea.
    For starters, he just might show up on a scooter to pick ya up. :D
    Then, while he’s driving ya down the road on his little scooter, and the cars behind him are backed up and the drivers are getting angry and honking their horns at the both of you, he can start shouting at them to be nice to the disabled guy.
    Yep, be a definite date from hell.
    *** Ya’ll need to stop saying I should date the old geezer! He’s my arch-nemesis! Batman wouldn’t date the Riddler! Ha! ~Laura

  28. Pug Mahon says:

    Maybe he’s a geriatric version of the newspaper kid from Better Off Dead. Just give him his 2 dollars!
    *** HAHA! Maybe I’ll try that…beats dating him. Ha! ~Laura

  29. WPDunn71901 says:

    Mexican Jesus Candle Voodoo???
    You are my new pretend internet brain crush!
    *** Just don’t get all creepy and shit, that’s my job. Ha! ~Laura

  30. cbullitt says:

    Santeria. Oh Yeah. Just got to the baking aisle, paint some swirls on your face with food coloring, grab a bunch of flour and blow it in his face while babbling a some home-made guttural mojo.
    Your choice whether to go with the colored cocktail toothpicks in the hair or not–I think it’s a nice touch.
    I don’t think he’ll want your spot after that.
    *** YOU are a mentor also. Ha! ~Laura

  31. rdennis says:

    Damn! this is a rough crowd. I go to all the work to put on my disguise ( I am the MASTER of disguises you know) and then follow you around just for the giggles we will have when you find out it is me, and man! You peeps get all serious and stuff. That’s it, I am not going to stalk you any more. Geeez!
    Now I know why they say, Haters gonna hate!
    Try to have a little fun and see what it gets me…….
    *** Ha! Deal, no more stalking. ~Laura

  32. Kim says:

    You could throw up on him or shit on him. That might slow him down a little. Or, start spazzing! Yeah! Start freaking out at him! Booga booga booga! YAHHHH!
    Sorry. I just felt like doing that, but really. It could work.
    *** Damn that first part was kinda gross. Ha! ~Laura

  33. Dave S. says:

    Spill a bottle of Wesson all around his sorry ass. See how well he does then!
    *** HA! Damn, you people are harsh. I like that. ~Laura

  34. Brea says:

    “Batman wouldn’t date the Riddler! Ha! ~Laura”
    Ooh, but he DID date Cat Woman. Total bad kitty crush there.
    He probably reads your blog, and is trying to work up the nerve to ask for your autograph, or maybe a rendering. Now? You’ve made him immortal – on the internetz!
    *** HAHA! ~Laura

  35. Carra says:

    You could always frame his ass so he isn’t allowed in the store anymore. What you do is sneak up behind him and put something on the back of his scooter that will make the alarm go off when he tries to leave the store, like a bunch of DVD’s. Then when he tries to drive out of the store-alarms, police and busted! Problem solved! But go ahead and do some voodoo for good measure!
    *** Ha! I’d have to plant them on him. He leaves the scooter in the store…..hmm… HA! ~Laura

  36. Nicole says:

    You just have excellent taste. My posse & I have the same problem. Recently we went shopping and bam! Everyone in the store was wanting to be where we were. So we moved on. Bam! There they were again. We announced loudly where we were going next and left that department. No one followed us. You could try that, but the other ideas are more entertaining.
    *** Ha! It does always seem people are going to where I’m at all the time in stores. Could it be me? NAH. ~Laura

  37. zonker says:

    1.) “Pardon me, sir, I couldn’t help but notice that it sounds like you need to check the air pressure in your scooter’s wheels. I think they might be leaking because I keep hearing this high-pitched whining…”
    2.) Spill stuff on the floor so his scooter spins out when he follows. Think: the Spy Hunter game meets Publix.
    Really, the possibilities for pleasant mayhem are endless.
    *** HA! I reckon they are… ~Laura

  38. Larry says:

    Tell him you are sorry that he is having trouble breathing and recommend some sort of cold medicine for him to take care of that wheezing.
    And then kick something under his scooter wheels to keep them from rolling and go into the next aisle, bet he won’t follow you after that.
    *** HA! You all are evil. Yes, I like that. ~Laura

  39. Johnny Utah says:

    You should just beat him at his own game: bust out your cell phone, talk loudly, and cuss often. You’re welcome.
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  40. Big Poppa Squat says:

    You’re free to ride around in a cart too. Bumper cars?
    *** Ha! Yeah, and wear a helmet and a racing scarf. Ha! ~Laura

  41. CGHill says:

    Old guys, especially old immobile guys, take entirely too much interest in women who wouldn’t give them the time of day.
    I suppose this is what happens to me next, and then someone goes voodoo on my ass.
    *** HAHA! Beware of the Voodoo!. ~Laura

  42. llama says:

    Prick feels entitled and expects that a nice young woman like yourself (hah!) would be a doormat and would bend over backwards to help him in his apparent disabled state. What the guy wants is to turn around and ask him if you can help him with anything. He wants you to offer so he can take you up on it. He wants you to do his shopping for him and accompany him around the store like his personal lackey. He wants you to reach for the items he wants. He wants you to carry his basket. To unpack his basket at the checkout. To pack his bags. To carry the bags to his car. Then load them into his car. The for your trouble, you will get a sigh in return. Older or not, he needs to be told.
    There are two options:
    Call up Pine Mountain Wild Animal park and ask to borrow one of their attacking emus. Put the emu on a leash, take him to the store with you on your next grocery trip as your seeing eye emu then get the emu to attack the fucker. Maybe stuff some animal chow under the seat of all the motorised scooters prior to going into the store to ensure the attack then stand back and watch the fun. Hell, take pictures. And when the bloody, pecked half to death sonofabitch dares to complain, just sigh at him and walk away.
    Or you could go to the store manager and tell him you are uncomfortable having some creepy old guy in a scooter following you around the store. You feel like you are being harassed & stalked and it has gotten so bad that you are considering shopping somewhere else because he waits for you to get there every week and then just follows you around no matter how much you try to avoid him. So could he have a word with him to get him to leave you alone? Tell him that you have tried to avoid him, you have spoken to him to leave you alone but to no avail. Make the sonofabitch sound like a pervert. Lay it on thick. Once the manager talks to him (and he will if you ask as he has a duty of care to the customers in his store), he will leave you alone – guaranteed. Then the next time that you are at the store, go out of your way to walk past him and just sigh as you pass.
    *** I really like that emu solution, but I bet the emu would kick my ass for good measure too! Those fuckers are MEAN and I bet unloyal too. Ha! ~Laura

  43. Curtal Friar says:

    I disagree with Llama. Oh, he probably does want you to ask if you can assist him, but I don’t think he wants your help.
    I think he hopes you’ll turn and ask if you can help him so that he can try and cut you down and make you feel like a jackass.
    “I don’t need your pity. I’m perfectly capable of getting my own stuff. You really are a condescending %^$#* assuming that I’m too helpless to get my own stuff. Well, take your pity and your charity and shove them!”
    I know. I’ve had that happen to me. I asked this one guy in a wheelchair once if I could grab the box of whatever he seemed to be after from the top shelf, and he cut into me hard.
    *** DAMN. Well this guy is so grumpy-looking, I never asked him if I could help, and I sure as hell won’t now. ~Laura

  44. mel says:

    Ok here’s some Twilight Zone shit for you. What if he isn’t real? What if only you see him because what if he’s your conscience scowling at you for the unhealthy items your buying?
    Next time see if he’s only there on the unhealthy items or is he also there on the healthy ones? That will be how to tell.
    *** Girl, I only buy healthey stuff for over a month! But maybe he’s Satan… ~Laura

  45. The drawing makes this post that much better.
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

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