Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Yesterday I let my dog Jack out the back door into the yard. Instantly he spotted a squirrel and took off like a bullet after it. The squirrel quickly ran up the fence and then instead of jumping down the other side, turned and chattered its disdain. Jack, being a mini-doxie with two inch legs, stood beneath him and barked. I thought it was odd that a squirrel would stand it’s ground when it wasn’t spring and babies weren’t an issue, so of course the first thing I thought was RABIES. I don’t know if squirrels even get rabies. I mean you never hear of people being attacked by rabid squirrels, but it was acting like a crazy ass so I called Jack back in, which basically means I told him he was getting a “treat” because that’s the only incentive that drives Jack to do anything I ask of him. During this excitement my outside cat Tinks was sitting in her bed watching through the screen on the back porch. She looked pretty bored with the whole situation as Jack and I walked back in the house. About an hour later I went outside and as I stepped off of the stairs I almost stepped in murder.
Forensic Stick Science surmised it was a tail, a foot, and an unidentifiable patch of the crazy ass squirrel.
This is not the first time Tinks has killed for Jack. You may remember a while back a mockingbird was dive-bombing him and later I found what I assumed was the same bird murdered and set on the steps.
Now what has me worried is Jack likes to bark at the mailman. The mailman just scowls at Jack like the mean old grouchy bastard he is. If Tinks sees this I’m afraid one day I’ll look out my window and see the postal van overturned and a foot in a black orthopedic shoe on my porch. I am not going to take the fall for that.
P.S. Photos I submitted to Life’s Highway Game that received the Golden Manatee are now eligible for an award! I’m asking you all to go vote for me. Click HERE and vote for me, #24. Laura. A vote for me is a vote for freedom! Not really, but if you vote for me I won’t tell Tinks you yelled at Jack, so a vote for me is a vote for not getting murdered!
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42 Responses to It’s surprising just how much mayhem and rabies and murder there is in my life. Well, okay, maybe it’s not too surprising.
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That is soooo disturbing! Is he for hire? I have some squirrels that run my roof. back and forth back and forth. I would love to see them “FALL” or something.
*** Maybe I should hire her out. Hmmm. ~Laura
At first I couldn’t figure out how to vote but my brain un-froze enough to help me out.
Wow you have some killer cat there I mean where is the rest of the squirrel!?! Aww wow if you still have the squirrel tail (which I suspect you might) measure it for me pleaseee. I love me some squirrels and I’m now terrified that my felines are going to get the little squirrel family at the bottom of my garden. I’m pretty sure kit-kat has already tried since she came home with lots of teeny scratches all over her face and looking pd-off.
*** Seriously you want the tail measured? Cause I will. J’s cats are constantly killing and devouring squirrels. Tinks is the first real “hunter” cat I’ve ever had. She is a true killing machine, but the sweetest cat you’ll ever meet. They probably said the same thing about Jeffrey Dahmer. ~Laura
LMAO! Good ole Tinks to the rescue!
*** I think she enjoys it a little too much. ~Laura
You should be a politician.
*** I KNOW, right?! At the very least a campaign manager. ~Laura
I have a yard full of squirrels Tinks can pay a visit to.
*** I need to check into renting her out as a squirrel assassin cat. ~Laura
Yes yes! the tail will show how large the squirrel was since the tail is roughly the same length as the body – heck if J’s cats kill them too you can have a “who bagged the biggest squirrel contest” – not I’m condoning squirrel crime.
*** HA! That will make you an accessory to MURDER!! ~Laura
This is why Jack so willing to share his bed with her, he knew she had his back!
*** Jack loves Tinks for sure. ~Laura
I see how you did that. This whole post is your way of letting George know that he shouldn’t attempt to meet you at your house, lest Tinks give him a free nip and tuck, and so he may as well just wait for you to arrive in Cali.
Smooth operator.
*** Am I that obvious? Ha! ~Laura
Tinks is hereby awarded the Juju Air Medal. Although rare, squirrels can get rabies, at least they do here. Before I got Stretch and fenced in the Stretchengeti, I would shoot about 50 of ‘em a year. The Juju Woman has a tally sheet on the refrigerator door. Bring Jack on up, and we can film some Doxie Wild Kingdom take-downs.
*** Tinks is honored to accept that award I am sure. Filming them forming a gang, then chasing down varmints would be a hoot. ~Laura
I would suggest that you get that cat a tazer….but I am not sure if you need an opposable thumb to work one. So maybe just a knife…though it seems to be doing well on its own.
*** I think she’s a fine killing machine on her own. Weapons would slow her down, that’s how badass she is. ~Laura
Leave it to you to have a ninja serial killer cat. My Cat yells for me to personally lift her onto the washing machine so she can get to her food.
Great way to campaign. I know I don’t want to get murdered by Tinks.
*** HA! Your cat has you trained well I see. And I see also that I can count on your vote. HA! Nothing like death threats to get what you want as my crazy ass papaw used to say. ~Laura
YAY Tinks! I hate squirrels. Rats with fluffy tails.
*** I don’t mind them if they stay off my roof and out of my attic. Fuckers. ~Laura
Jack is very lucky to have a ninja guardian.
*** He really is because nature hates Jack. ~Laura
I think Tinks is reincarnated from one of my relatives. They ate squirrels too.
*** Ha! ~Laura
::: Tinks was sitting in her bed watching through the screen on the back porch. She looked pretty bored with the whole situation :::
I hate to see her excited. It reminds me of a movie character but I can’t think who!
You need a camera on her collar, that would be fucking awesome to see her in action. Probably just a couple efficient swipes and bites for the foot and tail.
Good girl Tinks! I think she deserves a treat.
*** That cat is one of the calmest animals I ever met. I would LOVE to put a camera on her. She gets all kinds of treats from Mother Nature. But yes, I feed her well. ~Laura
Hmmm killed a squirrel huh? Mine got a weasel. So there. :p
Cat are the James Bonds of the animal world. Killing one second, looking cool the next.
*** For sure. ~Laura
Voted – now let me run upstairs and vote from my son’s computer – then I’ll get the hub and three daughters to vote – then I’ll run over to the neighbor’s house and vote from his computer – then a quick trip to the library…
ballot box stuffers R us
*** OH MY! Thank you! You AND your family are now safe from Tinks Dahmer. ~Laura
The only things my cats ever bring to me are lizards. And the occasional live bird. This would be okay, except I have a pet door and they bring them INTO THE HOUSE. Once they brought me a baby rabbit. I did not know that rabbits could scream.
*** Oh, I am prety sure if Tinks could bring them in, she would. Serial killers like to know people see their work. ~Laura
BTW, I tried to go vote for you, but since I already voted yesterday, it wouldn’t let me vote again.
*** Yeah, she has it set just one vote per IP me thinks. My friends from work can’t vote either. (OF COURSE WE DO THIS ON OUR BREAKS.) Some people are just so damn set in playing fair! Ha! But thank you for your vote! ~Laura
God I would love to have a cat like Tinks. Has he been in Arkansas and Kentucky the last few days? All these birds dying and all…
Did I tell you we had a falcon on our outside table on our deck the other day? Probably not. My wife got a pic of it, looking pretty regal, as it chased its lunch – another bird.
I will go vote for you.
*** Thank you for your support. And how cool is that? I love birds of prey even though ya know- they have gone after Jack before- but this was before Tinks. Are you going to post your wife’s falcon pic? ~Laura
I voted! Now where can I pick up my little sticker that says “I Voted”?
It looks like you are in the lead at the moment
I’d love to have Tinks come visit for a week – do let us know if she goes on tour.\
*** Thank you for your support! I really need to look into renting Tinks out for pest control. ~Laura
I voted from home but you’re right, it won’t let me vote from work. I guess I’ll just have to take a bunch of computers and go vote on them.
BTW, we won’t have to worry about Tinks getting tattoos and tying herself to the undercarriage of the car and killing us in Cape Fear, right??
*** OH MY GOD! We’re in big trouble if she does cause she’s merciless. ~Laura
My cats aren’t as talented as Tinks. They have trouble catching mice-even when all five of them gang up on one mouse.
You got my vote! That yard art house you found was way better than any of the others and you have the most votes. You’re gonna win for sure.
*** No, not getting murdered wins! Ha! Thank you for your vote. Perhaps Tinks can come train your cats in between murdering everyone’s squirrels. ~Laura
I do wonder just how often you’ll have the chance at stepping in a murder scene, you know?
Make sure to take lots of pics, then eventually you’ll have enough to publish a coffee table book on animal forensics.
I know I would buy it.
*** Oooooo good idea. Maybe make it a Scratch N Sniff. No? Okay, maybe not. ~Laura
Sounds like you are not the only assassin in the family! Good for Tinks…she is a true hero. I hate squirrels, which are really rodents in a cute furry suit, when you really get down to it.
BTW, I voted for you. The site kept promising to show me the results if I would simply refresh the page, but it never did deliver, so I have no way of knowing how much of a difference I made.
*** Of course you made a difference! Thank you for your support! Tinks is definitely Jack’s hero. ~Laura
Good for Tinks. Squirrels are pest.
*** Especially if they CHEW their way into your attic. ~Laura
I have a brother-in-law that’s crashed on our couch for ” a few days” that has turned into MONTHS. Can Tinks take care of him for me? Oh, and I love your blog.
*** Thanks and I think Tinks can take care of anything. ~Laura
“OF COURSE WE DO THIS ON OUR BREAKS!”…haha…it’s the new “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”.
As in, “So me and my coworker found a great site for fashionable dog outfits – OCWDTOOB! – and….”
*** I LOVE IT! Let’s MAKE it the new big thing! ~Laura
Can I borrow Tinks? I have squirrels, mice, and chipmunks that need thinning out.
I voted, now I have to make myself one of those stickers… or not… at the moment that would be too much trouble. Time for hot tea instead. heh.
*** I had to re-read your comment in a British voice because you mentioned drinking hot tea. I really should start a business with Tinks I think. I will be a serial killer cat’s pimp. ~Laura
I love the image of Tinks quietly looking out the window and thinking… “OK. I think I can pencil YOU in for the afternoon.” And then she leaves the tail for you to make a cool cap out of, and the rest as a warning for the rest of the skwerls.
*** HA! THAT was probably exactly what she was thinking! She’s cool like that. ~Laura
I’m new to your blog. Tinks is awesome! I have a black cat, too.
Maybe give Tinks a pretend mailman and see how Tink reacts.
*** HA! Yes, because I’ll have to make certain I get an airtight alibi if she ever catches that mailman giving Jack the stink-eye. And welcome! ~Laura
I just checked one more time and now I am able to see that you are smokin’ the competition on votes. I must say, after closer inspection, that I think #22 should come in second. I mean, *damn*.
*** 22 has a hot-mess of a yard indeed! I just want to win something on the Internet in my lifetime. I mean, besides a restraining order. ~Laura
Spectra used to bring me songbirds all the time. I don’t know if she ever took down a squirrel, but if she did, she thankfully didn’t bring it too me! I know that when she used to live back behind my office, she kept the mice and rabbit populations in check. She’s too fat and lazy to be a killer anymore, though she’s still as sweet as can be.
*** She’s a retired muderer. ~Laura
Thoughts Appear’s comment is an excellent idea. Ive seen one as a catnip toy. Oh, wait.. that wouldn’t give you an accurate result, or would it?
*** What it would do is appear I trained her to murder the mailman! ~Laura
No, Laura, it would appear that you are saving the postman! You are diverting her potentially future fatalistic “affections” for the postman.
Besides, he would be fine as long as he paid Jack a tribute. FACT.
Critters don’t get dead unless they abuse Jack’s sweet side.
*** The mailman scowls at Jack. He’s a marked man. ~Laura
Here’s a thought…. Jack could accidentally on purpose stray into Crazy Betty’s yard, she could *yell* at him….
Taken care of. Just saying…
*** Even Jack won’t venture over there. ~Laura
The only useful cat I’ve ever heard of; I could have used Tinks when the f&%king squirrels were digging up my tulip bulbs several years ago. Fido did manage to kill one once but, ironically, it was at the dog park and nowhere near the violated tulip garden. And I’m pretty sure he only managed it because it was a huge area fenced in by a chain link fence with like no trees within 25 yards. However, despite being suitably impressed with Tinks, I do see how this could cause trouble if the mailman was discovered in a dismembered state.
BTW, I voted for you, natch.
*** HA! Thanks! I have to seriously think about a serial killer cat business. ~Laura
Slick. Scare Vote Tactics. And you even have a mafia cat… I’m SURE you’ll win. By the way, I do not have a problem with squirrels here but the moose are just KILLING us. If you decide to hire Tink out, please let me know…
*** Ooo I bet Tinks could take on a moose. ~Laura
It’s a cat-sassin! or a sassin’ cat, one or the other. Maybe both.
*** HAHA! Ilike them both. ~Laura
A hitman cat. Perfect. At least he’s a useful cat.
*** Especially for Jack. ~Laura
What’s funny is that Jack has no clue he has a guardian cat. He’s just blissfully ignorant. Not knowing that if someone hurts his feelings disappear.
I needed Tink today!
*** I could mail her to ya! ~Laura
Wait. What? Did your cat really tear that squirrel apart like that? Dude! And yes squirrels DO get rabies.
*** Yes she did. Luckily she’s vaccinated too. ~Laura