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Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49 This year my Christmas gift giving is kind of a déjà vu of my college years, but not exactly because my clothes stay on this time. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
I started freaking the hell out Wednesday because it finally sunk in that Christmas was coming. Hell, I even decorated this blog for it and printed and handed out my Christmas Wish List to everyone, yet I had not done any shopping for my friends! How crazy is that? I cannot even face the holiday Christmas crowds this year so I started looking online. Ugh. I think I’m going to go with what I did last year. Booze. You really can’t go wrong with booze, so I made a liquor list for the big Red Dot Store. I have a couple of friends who don’t drink and are thus almost impossible to buy for. You know the type. They have everything. And I mean EVERYTHING and they’re both kind of yoga-bending, granola eating hippies all into charity and peace and the planet shit to make it even worse. Who the hell are these people and why are we friends you ask? I don’t know, but we are. For these sonsabitches I usually do something all hippified and yoga-ish back. Usually I sponsor some whales or other critters through the World Wildlife Fund in their names. One year I even bought them stars. No, not George Clooney. I checked. They don’t offer those kinds of stars for sale, dammit. Anyway, I researched and found this place, Safe Haven for Donkeys In The Holy Land. You sponsor an abused or injured beast of burden in the Holy Land. My friends like animals and it’s kind of Christmas-y because it’s in Jesus’s hometown and all.
So I’m done shopping. This year I’m giving booze and ass. Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.
My mum got this last year because it was a donkey and a family would get it and it was all religious-like cause it was a donkey….and I was all ‘if you ever get me a virtual “pretend” donkey instead of a REAL one I’m going to go all jackie-chan on your ass’ (okay I didn’t actually SAY that to my mum but I sure was thinking it)
*** Oh, I’d like to have one of those wee miniature donkeys to go with my wee pygmy goat I’m going to get. ~Laura
LMAO!!
Laura, I don’t know if you know this but I look forward to reading your blog every morning. I love it, so thank you for writing it!
*** You’re very welcome, that’s very nice of you to say. And thank you for reading my crazy shit. ~Laura
The first time I got one of those catalogs where you can buy farm animals for the third world, I made a total ass of myself going “Whoa! Those are good prices! I’m gonna get a cow, and some bees, and a chicken…” Then I actually paid attention, and realized that I was not allowed to buy them FOR ME. Dammit.
**** I KNOW! I saw the kid holding the goat smiling and I was all “OH MY GOD! I’ll buy that kid’s goat!” Then I too read where you buy THEM one and I thought “Oh hell noes, they probably don’t even have clothes for it.” ~Laura
Yeah no clothes for it! and then you’ll end up just buying them another one next year cuz they ate the on you gave them this year. Its a scam.
*** YEAH! Let Oprah buy them one and a new car. ~Laura
I got a Sams and a Costco membership for Xmas already. Which means I’ll be broke for Christmas.
I checked. They don’t sell ass at Costco.
*** That sucks. Maybe you can ask a manager. Is there a Costco in Charleston? If so- where at? That’s road trip worthy and I can get some She Crab Soup while I’m there. ~Laura
Ohh, how sweet. Am I a friend? Do I get booze and ass?
Yes, yes I do!
A lot!
*** I am glad for you. Yes, you’re a friend I will adopt a baby goat in your name, hows about that? ~Laura
I have a friend who had his ass hauled out of the Grand Canyon on a Donkey because he was suffering from sun-induced rabies. I coordinated his extraction, so he gives me booze every year for Christmas. That’s what happens when you’re nice to people.
*** Exactly and an ass and rabies was involved so that’s a Christmas story if ever I heard one. ~Laura
I read H the last line and now he wants to be your BFF.
In other news, I figured out a way to combine some of your wishlist: George Clooney as a satyr. Hot goatboy action!
*** George as anything would be greatly appreciated and enjoyed. A lot. ~Laura
Merry Christmas, and may Santa leave lots of circus peanuts in your stocking. But not the ones you are wearing, because that would just be gross.
*** Probably give me mouth rabies. And Marry Christmas to you!! ~Laura
I was going to suggest this website: http://www.giveagoatnow.com
but I see you are already aware of such offers.
I like their slogan though. “One goat. One goal.” It’s kinda catchy. And, if you misspell goal, you get the English for jail, gaol. Which might not be too funny if you are a hippie granola eating liberal type. But as I did originally mistype the word as I wrote this post, I find it hysterical.
If we are placing orders, I’ll have a monster vat of Capt Morgan’s please, but I’ll pass on the ass.
*** Yes! But I am selfish on goat giving. I want them to just go to people as pets, not livestock. Yes- I know that’s all kinds of wrong. I would take a mini-donkey. They are adorable. ~Laura
Glad you’re on top of things re: Christmas shopping. I haven’t started yet. Is that bad?
Anyway, your plan sounds pretty good. Most of my list is the under 8-years-old set, so booze and ass won’t work.
*** Ha! But wouldn’t it be funny to see a kid open a gift box and there sits a fifth of bourbon and see their disappointment? Or maybe it’s just me who thinks it would be. ~Laura
Not that I ever read you at work, oh no, I don’t, no no, I got to your last line by QUIETLY wheezing and then just guffawed. My closeby coworker sort thought I was relapsing on the bronchitis shit.
Merry booze/ass season to you and yours. I guess I should go shopping, too. Thanks a lot for reminding me. Shit.
*** I do suggest liquor stores and online only. People are all cranky and nuts out there. Merry Booze and Ass Season to you too! ~Laura
Hmm, booze. I am looking for something else to give my dad. He’s not a huge drinker, but likes a few things. Good idea! Not the ass part though, I don’t think he’d appreciate that, although my mom likes goats.
*** Buy her a goat!! You’re welcome. ~Laura
Hmmm….booze or ass?
Today I’m feeling like booze. Got my Sam Adams Winter Lager the other day.
*** I saw some in the store the other day and thought of you! Isn’t it weird to think of people you never met? ~Laura
I have not been this excited about Christmas coming since I was 10 and found a Crossman pellet rifle in my parent’s closet. Woo Hoo! Happy Dance-Happy Dance!
*** HAHAHA! Simmah down nah. ~Laura
I know Im new here but can I get on your list…..for the Booze that is….You can give the other to someone more deserving. HA!
*** You don’t want to help a donkey in Israel? And Baby Jesus wept … ~Laura
Oh, I think I’ll take ass but a question first. Will this a whole ass or just a piece of ass or a drunken piece of ass? I’m beginning to see a dilemma or maybe just a fuzzy dilemma!
*** HA! You will be drunk, the donkey will be sober and I don’t even want to know what happens next because it’s starting to sound like a Tijuana show. ~Laura
Laura – All my daughter talks about getting for Christmas is a stuffed dinosaur. I think she’s getting a Stegosaurus.
Next, if she asks for Army men, then I’ll get concerned…
*** DUDE! Get her a T-REX! Do the right thing. There’s some cutsie ones out there if that concerns you. But she really needs a T-Rex and yes, get her Army men. ~Laura
I’m giving my inlaws fruit baskets because they are alchies and hoarders, and booze and certificates of ass rescues would create problems.
Did I just type that? Shit…
*** Yes you did. Ha! ~Laura
Know what you could do? Buy a bottle of wine (that plants a tree for every bottle sold). Sponsor a Holy Donkey, just 1, and then divide it between the recipients. YOU drink the wine, and send the recipients a card saying that you planted a tree and sponsored a piece of ass in their name. It’ll be like you gave them 2 presents, and you get to get plastered to boot! Win Win all the way around, I say!
*** Genius.You’re like a gift-giving scientist!! ~Laura
RE Comment # 22: I wouldnt get to excited “J” unless you have a GOAT in YOUR closet!!!! you’re probably getting booze! hint hint!
*** Unless I get a goat. HAHA! ~Laura
I usually give ass after I’ve been given booze….wait, we’re not talking about the same thing, are we? I knew my linear thinking train had derailed when the goat got on the track…I din know what to do with that sonbitch in the whole Christmas gala thing I had going on in my head….but I’m thinking George C was in there somewhere….
*** …George…mmm … ~Laura
Uhhmmmm, I just looked and my goat in the mailbox yet. WTF the deal? Don’t be making me promises you will not fulfill or I will call my good friend George C and not have him come do a strip for you.
Man! Real goat! I always did want to eat one of them! Can’t wait!
*** Blasphemer! You shouldn’t eat goat! ~Laura
Darlin’ do you have a dog or cat as a pet?, little goatsies need another animal around, they are social animals and as such they need a companion animal, tragically i bought a little Nubian about 8 years ago, not knowing that they need a animal pal, she died even tho i spent a lot of time with her.
*** That’s why I’d get two goats. The breeder I talked to only sells by two : ) First I gotta move. And yes, I have cats and a dog and a parrot. ~Laura
J, you have to find a goat like the one she’s seeing at your house. Not sure if you can rent one like that. Laura knows what her goat looks like. Maybe you can find one at GoatsRUs but there’s no RentAGoat Center, I think they’ve all closed now because they only rented one at a time! However, let her cook (you know how she likes booze in that area) and maybe you can continue that happy dance
*** Don’t encourage him. ~Laura
My mum got this last year because it was a donkey and a family would get it and it was all religious-like cause it was a donkey….and I was all ‘if you ever get me a virtual “pretend” donkey instead of a REAL one I’m going to go all jackie-chan on your ass’ (okay I didn’t actually SAY that to my mum but I sure was thinking it)
*** Oh, I’d like to have one of those wee miniature donkeys to go with my wee pygmy goat I’m going to get. ~Laura
LMAO!!
Laura, I don’t know if you know this but I look forward to reading your blog every morning. I love it, so thank you for writing it!
*** You’re very welcome, that’s very nice of you to say. And thank you for reading my crazy shit. ~Laura
You and your entry titles crack me the hell up! LOL!! Booze does make a great gift.
*** I think so. ~Laura
HA! You can’t go wrong with booze and ass!
*** I don’t think you can either. ~Laura
I have been to many a great party built on those two very same items.
*** Ooo and weren’t they fun?! ~Laura
Please dont get me anything…….Just sayin.
*** Done. ~Laura
The first time I got one of those catalogs where you can buy farm animals for the third world, I made a total ass of myself going “Whoa! Those are good prices! I’m gonna get a cow, and some bees, and a chicken…” Then I actually paid attention, and realized that I was not allowed to buy them FOR ME. Dammit.
**** I KNOW! I saw the kid holding the goat smiling and I was all “OH MY GOD! I’ll buy that kid’s goat!” Then I too read where you buy THEM one and I thought “Oh hell noes, they probably don’t even have clothes for it.” ~Laura
Yeah no clothes for it! and then you’ll end up just buying them another one next year cuz they ate the on you gave them this year. Its a scam.
*** YEAH! Let Oprah buy them one and a new car. ~Laura
LOL! I had Christmases like that in college too!
*** That’s what college was about. At least the first year. ~Laura
I got a Sams and a Costco membership for Xmas already. Which means I’ll be broke for Christmas.
I checked. They don’t sell ass at Costco.
*** That sucks. Maybe you can ask a manager. Is there a Costco in Charleston? If so- where at? That’s road trip worthy and I can get some She Crab Soup while I’m there. ~Laura
Booze and ass? How do I get on your Christmas list?
*** Dude, most of my friends ask how to get off it. Ha! ~Laura
Ohh, how sweet. Am I a friend? Do I get booze and ass?
Yes, yes I do!
A lot!
*** I am glad for you. Yes, you’re a friend I will adopt a baby goat in your name, hows about that? ~Laura
I have a friend who had his ass hauled out of the Grand Canyon on a Donkey because he was suffering from sun-induced rabies. I coordinated his extraction, so he gives me booze every year for Christmas. That’s what happens when you’re nice to people.
*** Exactly and an ass and rabies was involved so that’s a Christmas story if ever I heard one. ~Laura
I read H the last line and now he wants to be your BFF.
In other news, I figured out a way to combine some of your wishlist: George Clooney as a satyr. Hot goatboy action!
*** George as anything would be greatly appreciated and enjoyed. A lot. ~Laura
Merry Christmas, and may Santa leave lots of circus peanuts in your stocking. But not the ones you are wearing, because that would just be gross.
*** Probably give me mouth rabies. And Marry Christmas to you!! ~Laura
Now all the guys will want on your Xmas list!!
*** Ha! I can’t afford that many donkeys. ~Laura
I was going to suggest this website: http://www.giveagoatnow.com
but I see you are already aware of such offers.
I like their slogan though. “One goat. One goal.” It’s kinda catchy. And, if you misspell goal, you get the English for jail, gaol. Which might not be too funny if you are a hippie granola eating liberal type. But as I did originally mistype the word as I wrote this post, I find it hysterical.
If we are placing orders, I’ll have a monster vat of Capt Morgan’s please, but I’ll pass on the ass.
*** Yes! But I am selfish on goat giving. I want them to just go to people as pets, not livestock. Yes- I know that’s all kinds of wrong. I would take a mini-donkey. They are adorable. ~Laura
Glad you’re on top of things re: Christmas shopping. I haven’t started yet. Is that bad?
Anyway, your plan sounds pretty good. Most of my list is the under 8-years-old set, so booze and ass won’t work.
*** Ha! But wouldn’t it be funny to see a kid open a gift box and there sits a fifth of bourbon and see their disappointment? Or maybe it’s just me who thinks it would be. ~Laura
Not that I ever read you at work, oh no, I don’t, no no, I got to your last line by QUIETLY wheezing and then just guffawed. My closeby coworker sort thought I was relapsing on the bronchitis shit.
Merry booze/ass season to you and yours. I guess I should go shopping, too. Thanks a lot for reminding me. Shit.
*** I do suggest liquor stores and online only. People are all cranky and nuts out there. Merry Booze and Ass Season to you too! ~Laura
Hmm, booze. I am looking for something else to give my dad. He’s not a huge drinker, but likes a few things. Good idea! Not the ass part though, I don’t think he’d appreciate that, although my mom likes goats.
*** Buy her a goat!! You’re welcome. ~Laura
Hmmm….booze or ass?
Today I’m feeling like booze. Got my Sam Adams Winter Lager the other day.
*** I saw some in the store the other day and thought of you! Isn’t it weird to think of people you never met? ~Laura
I have not been this excited about Christmas coming since I was 10 and found a Crossman pellet rifle in my parent’s closet. Woo Hoo! Happy Dance-Happy Dance!
*** HAHAHA! Simmah down nah. ~Laura
I know Im new here but can I get on your list…..for the Booze that is….You can give the other to someone more deserving. HA!
*** You don’t want to help a donkey in Israel? And Baby Jesus wept … ~Laura
Booze and ass. The staff of life. I really like the way you think!
*** Ha! Me too. ~Laura
Oh, I think I’ll take ass but a question first. Will this a whole ass or just a piece of ass or a drunken piece of ass? I’m beginning to see a dilemma or maybe just a fuzzy dilemma!
*** HA! You will be drunk, the donkey will be sober and I don’t even want to know what happens next because it’s starting to sound like a Tijuana show. ~Laura
Laura – All my daughter talks about getting for Christmas is a stuffed dinosaur. I think she’s getting a Stegosaurus.
Next, if she asks for Army men, then I’ll get concerned…
*** DUDE! Get her a T-REX! Do the right thing. There’s some cutsie ones out there if that concerns you. But she really needs a T-Rex and yes, get her Army men. ~Laura
I’m giving my inlaws fruit baskets because they are alchies and hoarders, and booze and certificates of ass rescues would create problems.
Did I just type that? Shit…
*** Yes you did. Ha! ~Laura
It might seem like a good idea at the time but buying a piece of ass can be *really* expensive in the end. Fact.
*** HA! I bet so, Hugh. ~Laura
I have some hippy friends I need to sponsor a Holy donkey for. Thanks for the link!
*** You’re welcome. ~Laura
Know what you could do? Buy a bottle of wine (that plants a tree for every bottle sold). Sponsor a Holy Donkey, just 1, and then divide it between the recipients. YOU drink the wine, and send the recipients a card saying that you planted a tree and sponsored a piece of ass in their name. It’ll be like you gave them 2 presents, and you get to get plastered to boot! Win Win all the way around, I say!
*** Genius.You’re like a gift-giving scientist!! ~Laura
RE Comment # 22: I wouldnt get to excited “J” unless you have a GOAT in YOUR closet!!!! you’re probably getting booze! hint hint!
*** Unless I get a goat. HAHA! ~Laura
I wonder if there is a place where I can rent a goat for a day or so…
*** No. ~Laura
I usually give ass after I’ve been given booze….wait, we’re not talking about the same thing, are we? I knew my linear thinking train had derailed when the goat got on the track…I din know what to do with that sonbitch in the whole Christmas gala thing I had going on in my head….but I’m thinking George C was in there somewhere….
*** …George…mmm … ~Laura
Uhhmmmm, I just looked and my goat in the mailbox yet. WTF the deal? Don’t be making me promises you will not fulfill or I will call my good friend George C and not have him come do a strip for you.
Man! Real goat! I always did want to eat one of them! Can’t wait!
*** Blasphemer! You shouldn’t eat goat! ~Laura
OMG J, you’re on a roll today! LOL
*** Don’t encourage him. Ha! ~Laura
How about calendars? This one isn’t too bad:
http://www.hotguysandbabyanimals.com/
(P.s. YOWZA!!!)
*** HA! I love it. ~Laura
Darlin’ do you have a dog or cat as a pet?, little goatsies need another animal around, they are social animals and as such they need a companion animal, tragically i bought a little Nubian about 8 years ago, not knowing that they need a animal pal, she died even tho i spent a lot of time with her.
*** That’s why I’d get two goats. The breeder I talked to only sells by two : ) First I gotta move. And yes, I have cats and a dog and a parrot. ~Laura
J, you have to find a goat like the one she’s seeing at your house. Not sure if you can rent one like that. Laura knows what her goat looks like. Maybe you can find one at GoatsRUs but there’s no RentAGoat Center, I think they’ve all closed now because they only rented one at a time! However, let her cook (you know how she likes booze in that area) and maybe you can continue that happy dance
*** Don’t encourage him. ~Laura
Just don’t combine the booze with the ass. I’ve done this before. It brings nothing but pain and heartache.
*** No, they get one or the other. ~Laura