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Brain rabies hurts. So does no one being concerned about your brain rabies. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

So I left work early on Wednesday because I felt shitty. I couldn’t really pinpoint what was wrong but I feared the cold or flu was coming on. After I got home I didn’t want to leave again for medications so I looked in my medicine cabinet to see what I had on hand. The only things in there besides Band Aids were a bottle of Flintstone Chewable Vitamins and an old can of Dr. Scholl’s Foot Spray circa 2001. I figured extra vitamins couldn’t hurt, so I popped a couple of Dinos and just to play it safe, I sprayed my feet.

 

I woke up Thursday with one of the worst headaches I have ever had that wasn’t a migraine. It was like my brain was ate up with the rabies. I slowly got out of bed and gingerly started toward the bathroom, holding my head. I didn’t turn on the light because my head hurt so damn bad but I always leave the light on in the den so there is plenty of light to see by. Suddenly it occured to me that something was “off.” I could not see out of my right eye! What the fuck? So immediately I thought I had, or was in the process of having a stroke and I was all “FUUUUUCK!” and I quickly turned on the bathroom light and looked to see if my face was all droopy and shit. And right here I just have to say that so many things go through your mind when you think you’re dying. I rendered you all a drawing of a few I had that morning:

 

 

Stroke 

 

 

 

And then I wondered if the Dinos poisoned me, which, if you think about it, would both suck big time and be totally awesome to think that a dinosaur took me out. Then I wondered if old foot spray turns toxic. But then I leaned closer to the bathroom mirror and saw with my good left eye that it was just eye goop making my right eye’s eyelids stick together. I know, sexy. So I got the goop out, took a shower, and went to work. But thanks for all y’all’s emails and comments wondering where I was Thursday. You non-caring sonsabitches. What part of attention whore do you not understand?

53 Comments
 

53 Responses to Brain rabies hurts. So does no one being concerned about your brain rabies.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMFAO!!! I LOVE your drawing renderings!! I hope you feel better! lol
    *** Much, Thank you. ~Laura

  2. Green November says:

    LMAO, Tis the season to be pukie. glad it didn’t go that far.and besides, better to be pukie during the week than on the weekends…. HA! Love the shirt! Vintage…
    *** I love my vintage tees aka pajama tops. ~Laura

  3. Heather says:

    LOL!! I hope you’re feeling better and your Alice Cooper t-shirt is awesome!
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  4. Stacy says:

    I adore your rabies infested, drawing rendering, attention whoring, blogging ass and I’m glad you’re feeling better!
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  5. Jeffro says:

    Sheesh – you’d think your Alice Cooper t-shirt would do a better job of protecting you from this sort of thing.
    *** I KNOW, right?! I should have had on my Black Sabbath one. OrThe Osmonds one. ~Laura

  6. Holly says:

    Aww I worried about you but I didn’t realise you were at deaths door i just figured you’d gone on a mass spider decorating rampage. Glad your brain rabies didn’t turn to eye rabies cause we all know eye rabies are fatal.
    *** I know! Eye rabies isn’t to be messed with. It will fuck you up dead. ~Laura

  7. Jade says:

    I did miss you yesterday! Your blog starts my morning and without a new entry my day sucks! So there! It’s all your fault too. LOL
    *** My day sucked too, so we’re even. ~Laura

  8. Inspirations says:

    God Bless You for being here today…..I missed you sooooooooooooooo much! Please don’t leave us again. OMG, my entire day was a total disaster. I could not shake the GRRRRRR I woke up with. I carried it with me all day…. Bad! very very Bad! Glad your feeling better… So do I….thank you for asking.
    *** Okay, that was a tad over the top. But I liked it. ~Laura

  9. Lana D. says:

    I love how one of your dying thoughts was about Circus Peanuts. LOLOL!
    *** Whose wouldn’t be? ~Laura

  10. hoody hoo says:

    I just figured the angry office ladies had kidnapped you and dragged you off to a re-education facility to tray to teach you The True Meaning of Christmas. I was raising ransom money and calling the A-Team. YOU’RE WELCOME!
    *** HAHA! Oh my God I wouldn’t doubt if that exact thing doesn’t happen to me one day. But for now, can we split the ransom money? ~Laura

  11. Larry says:

    May I suggest you stop by somewhere and get some Tylenol on your way home today?
    I’m glad your brain rabies didn’t end up being fatal. That would suck.
    *** It really would have. I will get some Tylenol and some new foot spray on my way home. Thank you. ~Laura

  12. Tink says:

    We thought you were tied up somewhere,in an office closet, held captive so you could have nothing to do with “Decorations” this holiday Season. Glad to see you broke free. Long live the Spider. YAY! Are you baking for the office this season?
    *** If I can find enough glass to grind up. ~Laura

  13. Nancy in Iowa says:

    So it is your fault that I lost a day? First thing I do when I get up is look at your blog. Since it hadn’t changed, I figured it wasn’t Thurs. yet so I went back to bed. Repeat this several times throughout the day….I starved, but I did get lots of sleep. Glad you’re better! So am I.
    *** Thank you and you’re welcome for all that sleep. ~Laura

  14. garnet says:

    Alright, you had me at spraying your feet, then I lost it on your rendering. You crack me up and I’m glad you didn’t have a stroke.
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  15. Mr. Bingley says:

    I just figured the Christmas Spiders wrapped you up like some little red-haired Frodo and had you hanging from their tree.
    *** HAHA! Dude, I just pictured that in my head and that was funny. And scary. I should render it into a drawing. ~Laura

  16. The Nickster says:

    did you use your rabid thumb to scrape off the crusties…it might neutralize the infection. Just a thought…and to demonstrate I “care”…
    *** You should be a doctor. Srsly. ~Laura

  17. Harris says:

    I love a girl with a vintage tee shirt collection.
    *** I’m one big lovable ball of rabies then. ~Laura

  18. Belinda says:

    Hey now, I asked in person what happened cuz I’m getting to be like everyone else. I use to go to another page first but I changed my routine. I know exactly what crusted those eyes, it was the non-attendance of the PCS lately (don’t worry, the 18th will be here soon enough). But, if all else fails, we could do some stick science with your eye and figure out the problem!! Maybe we should buy you an up to date tshirt with like Justin Beiber on it!!
    See…we care!
    *** OH MY GOD and I would so wear that Justin Beiber shirt too. I have a Hanson one, ya know. And I’m glad you like my blog. ~Laura

  19. Maeve says:

    I just figured George dumped the WHORE because he knew deep down you were the only woman that would satisfy him and the two of you were off on a fabulous vacation.
    That or the goat that was roaming J’s neighborhood really WAS the chupacabra and it sucked your memory out of your brain and you forgot you had a blog.
    ** Either one is quite possible. but when George finally comes to his senses, you all will be the first to know. I would never miss such and attention whore moment like that. The other thing- umm not so much. ~Laura

  20. Michelle says:

    I noticed your absence yesterday. I made a terrible assumption that you were busy during this holiday season. I am glad your eye is working but sorry you have brain rabies. You really should get a shot for those rabies. They just keep spreading all around your body. Pretty soon you might get rabies some place you might actually use, like your mouth. No soup for you!
    It would be super cool being taken out by a dinosaur!
    Hope you feel better today!
    *** Thank you and you’re right, I need a shot of something. Maybe bourbon. I don’t know. I’m not a rabies scientist. ~Laura

  21. Jena says:

    I was wondering cos you have skipped a day before. Your head rabies does sound like a migraine tho. There are a few kinds. Sinus probs will do that too. So will over using your dino size brain.
    Your renderings didn’t suffer from your rabies, thank God! LOL LOVE IT!
    I am sorry you weren’t feeling well.
    *** Thank you. Yes, I skip days sometimes, I just felt like getting some attention. Imagine that, eh? ~Laura

  22. Insert heartfelt, Hallmark Card,caring remarks and tut-tut noises here:
    Hey, some of us are busy!
    *** Oh, I see how it is. No soup for yo..wait…umm there’s no soup. I’ll have to make some and take a picture later. IF MY BRAIN RABIES DON”T RELAPSE. ~Laura

  23. Jena says:

    Ugh, I hope the spike in brain temp/rabies didn’t “change” Laura’s way of thinking! gasp! Only time will tell… or J will.
    *** I hope it didn’t change my way of thinking either ’cause I’m always rightt. ~Laura

  24. Tim says:

    Brain rabies, eye goop, poison Dinos!!!! Every day is a new adventure! Thanks for making my day again. Glad you feel better.
    *** You are welcome and thank you. ~Laura

  25. LeeAnn says:

    I’m so sorry. I sent the hot paramedics to the wrong house.
    On the upside, Crazy Betty got laid.
    *** HAHAHA! Those poor paramedics. ~Laura

  26. rdennis says:

    Dang! I am sooooo sorry. I just thought you probably went on vacation and hadn’t gotten around to telling us yet. You did mention something about going on ANOTHER vacation, you know.
    Glad to see your back up and on that broomstick again, baby! Now put on them red slippers and have a GREAT day!
    *** I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog too! And YES! I am going on another vacation in 2 weeks and THEN another one in January!! ~Laura

  27. Elphaba says:

    I don’t think you have brain rabies. Brain rabies is fatal…you wouldn’t have made it out of the bed! Munchausen’s Syndrome is much more likely to be your malady. It is a really fancy and important-sounding way to describe the ailments that come with and from being a true attention whore. :)
    And, I did miss you yesterday. I even re-read some of your old posts ’cause I needed that Laura fix. You pusher.
    By the way, how is Jack? You haven’t mentioned him lately, and while I think you are teh awesome, Jack is the shit.
    *** Jack is fine! I haven’t mentioned him because sometimes I just drone on and on about him like people do about their kids and I know that can be nerve racking. Not that I don’t drone on and on about other shit. Anyways, he’ll be making an appearance this weekend. And I love it when people read my archives. ~Laura

  28. Carra says:

    I’ve had mornings like that-it’s called a hangover. Maybe your co-workers spiked the office Christmas punch without telling you to get you into trouble or get back at you for the spider. Watch your back today at work. They are probably plotting more revenge as we speak.
    *** HA! Like I’d drink anything from them or even set a drink down! No way Jose. ~Laura

  29. Erik says:

    Glad that you are feeling better and that your brain rabies appears to be in remission. I say appears beacuse the tests take a few days to come back from the lab.
    I wondered where you were yesterday, when part 2 of my zombie story went up and you didn’t comment. I’m like, “that attention whore! where is she?” No new zombie story for you, until the current one gets commented/taken apart/pissed on.
    A writer has to have his standards….
    Who am I kidding, I write on a blog.
    *** Ha! Imma have to go check it out. And thank you. ~Laura

  30. All day yesterday I kept getting a weird feeling, like the balance of the Universe was tilted towards anarchy and chaos. My coffee was horrible, the dogs were constantly battling each other, and my hair would NOT stay in a ponytail. And all because of you being ill…
    Don’t do that again, Laura. I don’t think the Universe can take it.
    *** I am glad someone recognizes my importance in the scheme of things. ~Laura

  31. CGHill says:

    For a moment there, I had the horrifying thought that you’d inadvertently spritzed the side of your face with Dr Scholl’s. God only knows what that might have caused.
    *** But I wouldn’t get Athlete’s Face. ~Laura

  32. MorningGlory says:

    I missed your shit and wit yesterday, but since I know you’re an A-list blogger, I just figured you were at some important A-list convention or meeting or something. I’m sorry you had brain rabies, and I’m very glad it’s cured now. Please be more careful what you eat, or who you associated with, or what ever you did to get brain rabies, so we don’t have a repeat in the future. Too many of us count on your posts to get us through the day.
    *** Oh I like that “shit and wit.” You’re a poet. I will try to stay rabies-free. ~Laura

  33. Zooie says:

    I love your drawings.
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  34. Kim says:

    I’m so glad your brain has settled down. Heads suck. I have had lung rabies so I claim catchup mode in no response. Head rabies is way worse, though. I can’t believe you were able to actually function and spray your feet without collapsing. Or even walk to the bathroom. Or de-goop your eye. YOU ARE A LEGEND AND EPITOME OF GRIT.
    I wouldn’t lie.
    I liked that Christmas spider. Your coworkers are idiots.
    *** Yes they are and I am so glad that someone realizes that I am a goddamn hero for even walking into the bathroom. You know your rabies science. I hope you are feeling better. ~Laura

  35. Jan says:

    Brain rabies, sinus headaches, migraines, they’re all the same. Don’t poke them with a stick though, I know from personal experience that it hurts! Glad that you’re better though, and I can’t wait for Jack pictures! (I put up some dog pictures today, but definitely not as fun as Jack!)
    *** OH I must go look. I am behind on my blog spying. And thank you for your concern about my rabies. ~Laura

  36. Jena says:

    How do we know the brain pain wasn’t you turning into LauraZombie and like in Erik’s stories? huh? how? Maybe the foot spray was to disguise your zombie smell?
    *** Well, I don’t want to eat brains so I think I’m a’ight. ~Laura

  37. Rita says:

    I could have diagnosed you with brain rabies about a year ago when I first started reading your blog.
    So why did your doctor miss it?
    *** No, insanity and rabies are two different things. ~Laura

  38. Brea says:

    Sorry about the rabies, are you sure that the eye-goop wasn’t rabies leaking out?
    I’ve got some lung and throat rabies now, thanks for that. I’m sure I caught it via a computer virus from checking in with you every day.
    Maybe it was the spider? I’m sure getting to that size ain’t natural, probably rabid, and then bit you.
    Anyway, glad you got that rabies all under control.
    *** Thank you and I hope your rabies goes into remission soon. ~Laura

  39. Janie Jones says:

    Oh. My. Gawd. So it was YOU who gave me brain rabies. We had exactly the same symptoms, but I had it today, and my eye wasn’t gooped shut, and I didn’t eat vitamins the day before nor experiment with expired foot spray.
    Huh. Now that I think about it, it really isn’t the same at all. But I did wake up with a screaming headache, so you have my sympathy. Which is providential, because other wise I would have made fun of you by suggesting you not only sprayed your feet but also inhaled the Dr. Scholl’s.
    And, if it had been my daughter, the entire box of bandaids would have been employed to soothe the headache. You might want to keep that in mind for next time. Bandaids, as you may be aware, are perfect attention whore aids, especially Spongebob ones. I wonder if the Marketing Gurus have come around yet to the idea of Sparkling Twilight bandaids….
    *** These are boring skin-colored ones. I suppose I can draw on them though. Hmmm… ~Laura

  40. Princess says:

    I hope you are feeling better today. I’m glad your back and I also love the spider. I think that about covers it. except, what “IS” up with your HAIR?
    *** I DON’T KNOW! Ha! ~Laura

  41. kim says:

    i’m sorry i thought you were looking for the goat, i should have realized it was rabies.
    *** It’s okay. Easy mistake. ~Laura

  42. Gerald says:

    Good to see you back. And speaking of renderings,I’m still wondering when to see the goat T-shirt please:)
    *** Thank you and lemme get my vacations over and things to simmah down here. ~Laura

  43. Sara says:

    I just assumed you were out Christmas caroling with George and a goat.
    *** I wish! ~Laura

  44. Joy says:

    Maybe this will make you feel better ;)
    http://www.goatfinder.com
    *** YEAH! Thank you. ~Laura

  45. Yabu says:

    Alice Cooper, Billion Dollar Rabies, eye goop…I think you need to see someone about this. That shit could be fatal.
    *** I KNOW!! Luckily I survived. ~Laura

  46. mel says:

    I left work early due to sickness on Wednesday also. Are you better, yet?
    *** I am thank you. ~Laura

  47. patti says:

    Rabies and goopies and Dinos – oh my!
    *** OH MY! ~Laura

  48. Jena says:

    Sooooo where’s our blog for today? Is your rabies acting up? I need my fix and I’m not the only one!!!
    *** Simmah down nah. ~Laura

  49. me says:

    the attention part of course
    *** Of course. ~Laura

  50. zonker says:

    Brain rabies? How could anyone even tell? I mean, have you *read* your recent posts? Shit, I was thinking you’d figured out a way to ferment circus peanuts.
    ps: I’d say “get well soon” but let’s face it…it’s more entertaining this way.
    *** Ha! Well, I my rabies is in remission, so there! ~Laura

  51. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmm…methinks that if you really did have brain rabies, you wouldn’t have any idea. You would just have a sudden craving to stab people. For no particular reason. And…huh, maybe you do have brain rabies. :D
    You haven’t developed the desire to start biting others, have ya?
    *** No, I don’t like touching people, except with a blade. ~Laura

  52. hotpants™ says:

    I’ve been sick for the last four days. I missed two days of work. I had something like the flu, but it’s not actually the flu. SUCH CRAP! Now both of my kids have it and I’m back at work. Their poor grandmother has them. Oops!
    *** Yeah, there’s something going around here. So far, I just had that lil bout with teh rabies. ~Laura

  53. Jane says:

    I am one of those people prone to headaches, migraine and colds. Usually, my first recourse is White Flower Embrocation (embrocation.50webs.com), also called White Flower Oil
    *** I will try anything. Anything besides a doctor, that is. Thank you. ~Laura

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