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Offices are such lovely places to celebrate approaching holidays. (That’s called “sarcasm.”) | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Remember a few days ago I showed you the Christmas tree I decorated at work and turned it into a work of art called “Tinseled Tarantula Tannenbaum with Blue Balls?”



Spider Tree


Yeah well, apparently good Christian people find a spider on a tree sacrilegious or some shit and they got their holiday panties all in a bunch and complained to their manager and then decided to decorate the tree themselves, which is what I wanted them to do in the first place. They decorated it traditionally, which means boring as all hell. But don’t worry, because there was such a fuss over the spider, I dug him out of the supply closet and modified it a tad to fit in with their “Traditional Boring Ass Christmas” decor.



Decorated Work Tree

 

I’m pretty sure there weren’t any decorated plastic pines and candy canes in the manger when Jesus was born, but you can bet your sweet ass there were spiders. So really, my spider is like the only true Christian Christmas thing here. I’m like Tom Hanks discovering the truth in “The Da Vinci Code” except this ain’t the Vatican and no one gets murdered (yet), but there are whores involved.

45 Comments
 

45 Responses to Offices are such lovely places to celebrate approaching holidays. (That’s called “sarcasm.”)

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!!! I LOVE THE SPIDER!!
    *** He makes the display. ~Laura

  2. Green November says:

    I love him! He’s all lit up and festive with his Santa hat and candy canes hanging from his legs… he is beautiful and definitely adds the festive touch. and Hell yeah! there were spiders in that barn……Excellent job Laura.
    *** Thank you. And I try to enlighten people wherever I go. Stab/enlighten, same thing. ~Laura

  3. Mary Beth says:

    Offices suck and so do the League of Christian women in them. Your spider rocks that display.
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  4. Inspiration says:

    I wish I was a fly on the wall in that office. Ha!… The truth.. nothing but the truth! He is cool!LOL
    *** The spider here is like a rock star in my opinion. ~Laura

  5. Ava says:

    The spider is the highlight for sure.
    *** Definitely. ~Laura

  6. Sam I Am says:

    Are those Tranny’s blue balls hanging on the TREE? Oh, the indignity of it all! A neutered Tranny? Like, WTF is that all about? I’m sure the animal welfare people would be impressed (and I am for domestic pets, but really….) You are succumbing to the will of the masses, Laura – for shame.
    Other than emasculating the spider, kudos to you for conforming. I can’t seem to do it myself….watch out for the gluten-free geeks, they will be the next to vampire out your will to resist.
    *** I only conform to stay employed. I’d never give up my gluten. ~Laura

  7. Joanne says:

    Love that Rock Star Spider! He needs groupies . . . baby spiders and dino’s wearing little santa hats. That would really get their panties in a wad!
    *** I wish I had some big T-Rexes to set around the tree. Ha! ~Laura

  8. Holly says:

    Awesome santa spider :)
    You just know the person who complained was the one who wanted to get someone else to stuff decorating the tree up so they could do it themselves and get loads of attention.
    We’re putting our tree up tonight (apparently D has caved) sadly I don’t own any giant spider decorations and by sadly I mean thankfully as I’d scream every time I went in the living room.
    Can I also add that the whole area looks like some kid ate christmas candy and vomited it all over the walls while being shot out of a christmas cannon someone is trying waaaaaay to hard to be “christmassy” there
    *** HAHAHA! It is a tacky tacky Christmas round these here parts. ~Laura

  9. Sheri O says:

    Good for you for being historically accurate!
    I’ve always felt we should decorate palm trees for Christmas. The spider would look fantastic on a palm tree!
    *** With a coconut in his pincher! Ha! ~Laura

  10. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I liked the spider on the tree best.
    *** Me too. ~Laura

  11. Damn busubody, bitching about the spider. You are absolutely right, Laura. There WERE big ass spiders in that manger, and only the glowing halos kept them at bay:
    http://www.camelspiders.net/large-camel-spider-picture.htm
    The defense rests, mofos!!!
    *** MOFO SONSABITCHES! ~Laura

  12. Maeve says:

    Dear sweet Zombie Jesus!
    You crack me up!!
    *** Ain’t the spider purdy though? ~Laura

  13. Brea says:

    This would totally make a great SyFy Christmas special! “The Year of the Santa Spider”, or “Santa’s Little 8-legged Helper”, or “A Charlie Brown Recluse Christmas”. And it can have your little tree in it too!
    Love the hat, such a festive touch. Alla those other sonsabitches can suck it.
    *** YEAH! They can suck it bigtime! ~Laura

  14. Jan says:

    Ditto the puked up Christmas candy all over. Yetch. Except for the spider part, it looks like everything I hate most about the season anymore. Just call me Grinch.
    *** Grinch. Ha! ~Laura

  15. Jena says:

    Too bad the spider doesnt have a remote to make it jump. I would make him attack anybody that tried to get a candy cane off one of her legs.
    That spider ROCKS that hat!
    *** Ooo and dip it’s fangs in poison… ~Laura

  16. garnet says:

    The spider is awesome no matter what the setting. And all those whores can kiss off.
    *** YEAH!! ~Laura

  17. Gammon Lady says:

    Nice Tree and by the way… HAPPY BIRTHDAY “J”….. AND MANY MANY MORE.
    *** I will tell him to come look. ~Laura

  18. Heather says:

    Now I want a Christams spider beside my tree!
    *** You shouldget one, that way you will be biblically accurate. Kinda. ~Laura

  19. Curtal Friar says:

    You should make and sell Christmas spiders.
    I’m sure there’d be a market for those on the ‘web’.
    *** Ha! I want to make angel spiders, but I am sure that’s blasphemy. ~Laura

  20. gatorgirl4325 says:

    Rock Star Spider ROCKS.
    *** I should put a guitar on one of his legs. Ha! ~Laura

  21. Curtal Friar says:

    Okay, your post and the subsequent thread made me curious, so I did a search and found that spiders are mentioned only three times in the Bible, and only then in the Old Testament.
    One time in reference to its size, in order to show that physical size is not that important; one time using spiderwebs as a metaphor of evil people spreading “webs of deceit”, and one time using the spiderweb as a symbol of something that is very weak, yet beaufitul.
    So, in order to be truly symbolic in a Christian (or Biblical) sense, one could get a tree along the lines of the one from A Charlie Brown Christmas (remember the little bitty one they end up with?), and hang spiders from the branches as a symbol that it’s not the size that’s important.
    I doubt any onlookers would get that, though. The common reaction would probably be: “Eeewww, you hung spiders on your Christmas tree? What the fuck did you go and do that for?”
    Oh well…. :D
    *** I own a Charlie Brown tree! Scroll down, it’s down there somewhere. I would put fake spiders on it, but not real ones because that would be Bible Madness! Madness I tell you! ~Laura

  22. Elphaba says:

    The only thing missing is a spider web behind him that says “SOME PIG”. Good job!
    *** MAGNIFICENT! Ha! ~Laura

  23. DogsDontPurr says:

    That is pure genius! They should give you a raise.
    *** YES! They really should. ~Laura

  24. Jena says:

    J’s bday is today? Cool, mine is friday!
    hippo birdie to you J!
    *** Yes it is and a Happy Early Birthday to you! ~Laura

  25. cbullitt says:

    Well played, Laura.
    Just like laundry. Throw everything, colors, whites dry-clean-only in together in hot water.
    Never have to do it again.
    *** HA! Exactly. ~Laura

  26. Erik says:

    I wrote a little story in a zombie kind of vein. Let me know what you think.
    http://papias.blogspot.com/2010/12/cast-out-part1.html
    Yes, I am planning more parts and more esplaining…
    *** Excellent. ~Laura

  27. Nicole says:

    Aw. I thought I was done with decoration shopping for years. Now I have to find a big ass spider.
    *** Ha! Be sure to get the ‘big ass’ kind and not the “nasty ass” ones. ~Laura

  28. Belinda says:

    Ok, whoever got their holiday panties in a wad obviously has not made it one my PCS spots, and those are all in NC so they can just go there and leave the tree alone with the spider in it. I do, however, love the decorated spider, he’s just way too cool, and definitely does not belong in a closet! Tell the traitors if they don’t like your tree to put up another one in their cubicle and get over themself! Can ya tell I just loved being back at work today?
    Chipotles tomorrow???
    *** Chipotles sounds good to me : ) ~Laura

  29. Elphaba says:

    I betcha the Addams Family decorates their tree with spiders, now that I think about it.
    *** OOoo I bet they do too. ~Laura

  30. Jeffro says:

    I liked the original better. Sequels generally suck.
    *** I know, right? ~Laura

  31. SB Smith says:

    Hilarious !
    “…but there are whores involved.”
    I’m sure glad I didn’t have a mouthful of food or drink when I read that last bit…I’d be cleaning it off the laptop.
    *** Lots of them, btw. ~Laura

  32. CGHill says:

    I’m still puzzled over the difference between big-ass and nasty-ass spiders; it never, ever occurred to me that spiders even had asses.
    I learn so much here.
    *** I do like to educate, as you know. ~Laura

  33. Green November says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR “J”MAN……HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU… AND MANY MOOOOOORE!

  34. You can also bet your sweet ass that there was an ass in the little shelter, too.
    Have one of your co-workers sit under the tree. That should qualify for an ass in the manger scene.
    *** HA! I will do that and they’ll be all “Wha? Huh?” ~Laura

  35. Rita says:

    I’m waiting on the cool giveaways. I’ll take the spider, but I’m not psycho enough to decorate a tree with it.
    WHERE do you get this stuff? I have come to believe I read your blog for the same reason I read true crime books. Maybe one day they’ll be a book about you.
    *** I bet one day there just might. ~Laura

  36. Larry says:

    They ruined it! Spider hating SONSABITCHES!
    (bet they don’t ask you to decorate next year.)
    *** SONSABITCHES!! I bet they don’t either : ) ~Laura

  37. Jena says:

    Im sure there were baby and or pygmy type goats along with the spiders. Otters would be a stretch tho.
    *** But I bet Baby Jesus would have loved playing with an otter. A king could have brought him one ya know. ~Laura

  38. Oh, I miss a day and this is what you do with it…create giant spiders!!!
    *** Of course! ~Laura

  39. Nancy in Iowa says:

    You make me almost want to put up a skanky tree so I can decorate it with spiders! I bought some in October and suctioned them to the window at the end of the hall, but when I returned from my long road trip they were gone. Maybe I could just sweep up some really dead spiders from outside and sprinkle them on a tree?
    *** YES! Mummified spiders would make a delightful garland. ~Laura

  40. Belinda says:

    Tell J belated happy birthday and because I like him, I’ll let him reimburse me for my purse strap breaking last week and I ran into a Coach store and everything. It was a true emergency!!
    *** HAHA! I will tell him. ~Laura

  41. Nicole says:

    Okay, I love the redneck Christmas tree. It looks pretty festive all lit up.
    *** I know, I kinda liked it too. ~Laura

  42. patti says:

    too many legs…
    *** Not for a spider. ~Laura

  43. Jena says:

    I gotta say if that’s all the decoration crap I had to work with I wouldn’t want to decorate either… just saying
    *** I know, right? ~Laura

  44. Yabu says:

    That is a very cool spider, does it and the T-Rex get along?
    *** The T-Rex gets along with everything. Until he doesn’t. Then he eats it. ~Laura

  45. mel says:

    You know what’s funny? It probably took you 5 minutes to put that spider on the tree the first time, but when you wanted Christmas spider revenge, you put a lot of thought and effort into decorating that spider, lmao!!!
    *** I KNOW!! Sucks. ~Laura

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