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Proof that Nazis hate vampires and vampire love. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

So the Twilight Eclipse movie was released on DVD Saturday and I downloaded it first thing in the morning because internally I’m a twelve year old school girl. A twelve year old school girl with a 75 year old hobo’s liver, but a twelve year old just the same. Anyway, I don’t know why I like these movies so much. Bella and her mopey, half-ass mumbling drives me crazy. I constantly want to see her murdered or stabbed or at the very least punched in the face even though I know it’ll never happen. And I’m Team Edward in case you were wondering, and I know you were. I know Jacob is way more butch and hunky, but there’s something about Robert Pattinson I find hot.


J was curious what all the hoopla was about when the series first started and I had him sit and watch the first movie a few months ago. He barely contained his disgust, and I laughed as I watched him rolling his eyes and smirking about the sparkling and shit. After it was over he looked at me and shook his head and said I should be ashamed of myself, and I told him he was just jealous of Edward and the love I had for him and he said “He’s a teenager, that’ll make you a pedophile.” I was all “No, No. He really wasn’t 17, he was like 107. Vampires don’t age.” And he was all “Good reasoning skills, Pedo. Shouldn’t you be registering somewhere?” Fucker.

36 Comments
 

36 Responses to Proof that Nazis hate vampires and vampire love.

  1. Holly says:

    Ahaha i just don’t think guys GET twilight its all about how to hunt and stalk your very own (robert pattinson) sparkly vampire plaything…right??
    I don’t get the whole team jacob n edward thing though what crazy marketing company started that quick moneymaking scheme? All the books are out we already know how it ends then wham first film is released and it’s all “whose side are you on” you’d better buy their merchandise!!! Idiots like voting might change the film outcome – me I’m on the winning team cause it’s the WINNING TEAM. (if it was up to me and things could be changed I’d back Jacob and then Edward could come over here for some “comforting”) – you have George Laura you leave Robert for me the moment that mumbling hussy drops him my door is open – I have-a-plan. Don’t make me kick your ass now!!
    *** You better bring an army. You can not have just ONE obsession. That’s not how you play it. Robert Pattinson is on my imaginary boyfriend list and with me being a big time imaginary whore, he’s my boyfrined until my true love George whisks me away or something like that. The whole “picking teams” is to get more of the teen girl’s money to buy their merchandise is all. I can comfortably say the only money they got out of me is for their movies and well, okay, a Team Edward pillowcase. But that’s all! Ha! ~Laura

  2. BroadHorizons says:

    All I can say “J” is just roll with it. I never understood all the hoopla either. Great looking teenage buff virile young men running around half naked. Nope never understood it either……
    *** Ha! Mmm mmm they be lookin’ good to. Ha! ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    Ha! Don’t tell anyone but I’m on Team Edward too! lol
    *** Your secret is safe with me. ~Laura

  4. Heather says:

    OMG Jacob is so much hotter! Team Jacob!
    *** No, you are wrong. ~Laura

  5. garnet says:

    I’m Team Edward too. Or I guess I should say, Team Robert.
    *** There ya go. ~Laura

  6. lifeshighwy says:

    Sorry I am on team Jacob. Bella almost loved him, teased him used him and threw him away like an old tissue.
    Um, I had the series of books under my bed. It’s an embarrassing secret. I spent all three books hating Bella. My hate translated very well to the movies.
    *** Yes, it is so easy to hate Bella. And you’re on the wrong team. Ha! ~Laura

  7. Inspirations says:

    Jacob is “Drooling” hot. GAWD! I love that mans chest…I can only imagine the rest…..mmmmmmmmm.
    *** PEDO! Ha! ~ Laura

  8. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I’m with J on this, they all suck.
    *** Well, he is a vampire. ~Laura

  9. J has a point and we’d be soooo slinging that blade if it were the guys lusting after 17 year-old girls. Wait… that’s what all guys do anyway.
    However. Having never seen even a preview or trailer for this latest iteration of Dark Shadows, I really can’t make a valid comment about it except to say that “Bella” is a name for a DOG, people.
    *** I knew a dog named Bella once too. And it was mopey too. ~Laura

  10. Samantha says:

    TEAM EDWARD! YAY!
    *** YAY! ~Laura

  11. Tim says:

    Blah blah Edward…Blah blah Jacob…Go J I agree totally!
    *** NAZI! ~Laura

  12. Curtal Friar says:

    Well, I hate to side against J, cause I like a lot of the things he says :D , but I have to make a couple of points:
    1. The character is indeed over a hundred years old, so if anything, it means you like really older guys. Far from being a pedophile, you’re more like a cradle-robber enabler. :D
    2. The actor himself is 24 years old, and therefore it could be argued that you’re attracted to 20 something year old guys, which in no way makes ya a pedophile.
    I do feel sorry for J, though, that he had to watch one of the Twilight movies.
    *** Ha! He did suffer so. And exactly, I ytold him that in RL he was 20 something and he said- but you are attracted to the 17 year old character and I should be arrested. Nazi. ~Laura

  13. rdennis says:

    My wife, who works at a jail, told me that in the real world the title is “cho mo” and not pedophile.
    And I do not lust after 17 year old girls. 30 on up is more my kind. I likes the wimmens who have some age and experience., But that’s just how I roll, dawg.
    *** He’s in his 20′s and in reality, he’d peobably get on my last nerve after the first hour or so. ~Laura

  14. Carra says:

    I am also on team Edward. I’ve always had a thing for broody vampires. I’m with you on Bella-she’s not as bad in the books, but I don’t care for Kristen Stewart at all. I’ve read all the books and watched all the movies-one of my guilty pleasures. Tell J to just deal with it. There are 2 more movies on the way. And Johnny Depp is planning to resurrect Barnabas Collins in a film version of Dark Shadows. Vampires are here to stay!
    *** The vampires that have come out in the last few years are just HOT. And I love Johnny Depp. J handles my imaginary boyfriends pretty well most of the time. ~Laura

  15. hotpants™ says:

    I’ve read the books. I’ve seen all of the movies in the theater. I made my husband pick up a copy of Eclipse bright and early Saturday morning on his way home from work. I make him watch each one when it comes out on DVD. He thought Twilight was cheesy and dumb, but has liked each one a little bit more. He doesn’t complain so he gets a gold star. He’s totally Team Jacob. I am forever Team Edward even though I want to do dirty things to Taylor Lautner. It’s ok. He’s finally 18.
    *** Oh now, I’d do dirty things to Jacob, for sure. I’m a big time imaginary whore. Your husband was very good to sit through them. J actually said he liked Alice the best of all of the characters because she jumped the bad vamp in the first movie and ripped his head off. Now ya’ll know what he sees in me. HA! ~Laura

  16. Elphaba says:

    I will admit that I am not a Twilight fan, myself. I read the first book at my teenaged daughter’s urging, and went, “WTF?!” Bella may be the most vapid, one-dimensional character I’ve ever seen in print…don’t think I could stand to sit through a whole movie about her. And Edward is not sinister enough to be a real vampire, IMHO. Although I did briefly wonder if the peen sparkles. Bizarre… Maybe “Pride, Prejudice and Zombies” would be more up my alley. I dunno.
    It does occur to me, though, Laura…I was under the impression that Nazi’s appreciated pasty white skin. And stupid, malleable women. So, what is J.’s problem?
    *** Bella to me is almost too stupid to live and to have two hotties after her pisses me off, but that’s life isn’t it? The dumbasses getting what they want. And I don’t think J’s as Nazi as he leads us all to believe. ~Laura

  17. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmmm…it’s just occurred to me that, since Edward’s character is over 100 years old, that the film is about a really old pedophile who looks young for his age falling in love with a teenage girl.
    And real-life teenage girls all around the nation love the Twilight movies and swoon whenever someone mentions Edward’s name. What, do teenage girls secretly have a hankering for pedophiles?
    *** I think most teenage girls hanker for what Hollywood shows as romance. Which ill prepares them for real life. ~Laura

  18. Team Robert, eh? I heard he did a good job on “Water for Elephants”, too.
    But sadly, I’m with J on this. What kind of self-respecting vampire, sparkly or not, would ever be attracted to such a mopey whiny moron??
    *** I know0 that part makes me wonder, but… ~Laura

  19. Jena says:

    How did your work like the tree?
    ** It served it’s purpose- they decorated a “traditional” tree- I saved the spider to dress as Santa : ) ~Laura

  20. Jena says:

    I first saw Kristen on Regis and Kelly one morning having never seen the movies at the time, I though whoa, she must be pretty nervous.
    Having seen the movies, I thought WHOA! SHE SUCKS! I’m rarely harsh on an actor but she truly does a bad job.
    I recently saw the movie Vampires Suck and that actress NAILED her! I was cracking up! Now that’s acting!
    *** Kristen is a mouth-breather too. And she acts like she’s pissed off about being an actress. And I use the term “actress” lightly. ~Laura

  21. zonker says:

    Count your blessings. J could announce that he’s on Team Edward, too. NTTAWWT.
    *** HAHA! NTTAWWT. ~Laura

  22. Shelly says:

    Team Edward! He is dreamy.
    *** Yes, he is. ~Laura

  23. Janie Jones says:

    Hmmn. So you’re in to necrophilia, as opposed to bestiality.
    Knock, Knock
    Who’s there?
    Peter?
    Peter who?
    Peter File.
    In Laura’s case a necrophiliac pedophile.
    *** Ha! Well, if you put it that way, I’ll stick with George. ~Laura

  24. Teresa says:

    I haven’t seen the movies or read the books. I can’t quite get into thinking teenage boys are hot… LOL. However I did see this and it seemed to cover things nicely.
    http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-twilight-saga-new-moon.html
    *** Yes! They are just like that. Like I said, I don’t know why I’m drawn to them, I just am and I like Edward best. Mope. ~Laura

  25. Brea says:

    Oh Gawd, Team JASPER!
    Loves me some suthern accents… *drool, sigh*
    *** I hear ‘em every day. ~Laura

  26. Jade says:

    Oh, I am Team Jacob! He’s hot.
    *** He does have great abs. ~Laura

  27. Belinda says:

    I’m definitely team Edward. Bella leads both of them on, and needs to die!!
    *** Death to Bella!! Ha! ~Laura

  28. Nicole says:

    I am Team None of the Above. I admit freely that young men look awfully nice sometimes. They just aren’t vampires in my mind. They fall into the “shut up and look pretty” category. :P
    *** Sho’ nuff. Oh my God, imagine carrying on conversations with them. Ha! ~Laura

  29. Jan says:

    If it ain’t by Bram Stoker, it ain’t about Vampires, just blood-drinking sluts by another name. Pattinson makes me want to puke. Lautner is cute for an infant (don’t give me that fucking 18 shit, he’s a baby), but looks like he doesn’t have a braincell to his name. Stewart is the worst aspects of both combined and then squared.
    Yeah, I be hatin’. God-be-damned-stupid-ass-fucking-Twilight-freaks have screwed up some of my favorite parts of the Olympic peninsula. Every last one of them should be hung until almost dead, then taken down, shot through the kneecaps and then dragged down I-5 tied to a car bumper.
    *** Don’t hold back, tell us how you really feel. Ha! ~Laura

  30. Johnny Utah says:

    Women… Err… Girls have it lucky. You can sit an ogle either of these guys and not really pay attention to the movie (which is why imagine y’all watch) and be okay. Guys have… Kristen Stewart? Ridiculous. Ashley Greene is pretty smoking, but she’s hidden behind a silly (uh… sillier) character with a dopey haircut.
    I’m with J — started cracking up when his skin started sparkling! Hilarious!
    *** I never claimed the movies were works of art. I do just lust after Edward. ~Laura

  31. mel says:

    :-X
    *** : ) ~Laura

  32. Lemon Stand says:

    Gotta love your husband’s wit. (It’s so close to my own husbands) But to tell you the truth? I’m with your husband on this one. Twilight + five teenage daughters who are all firmly camped out with Edward (I’ve heard about this ad nauseum!) = a mother who is ready to test out her new car’s trunk capacity if I see, hear or find any more Twilight material whatsoever in my house… using the dead body unit of measure… just sayin’
    (I wonder how long it’ll be before your husband posts your picture on one of those WARNING websites…) :)
    *** J’s my boyfriend. I’ve never been married. But I wouldn’t doubt he’ll start a site one day, warnng others. Ha! YAY Team Edward! ~Laura

  33. SB Smith says:

    I’m team Jacob. Read all 4 books but haven’t seen more than the 1st movie, altho’ I Do plan to see all of them.
    I Loved Moonlight when it was on CBS. Have it on DVD now.
    Mick was hot, but I thought Josef was Smokin’. Josef was turned when he was in his 20′s,…but he was a 400 yr. old vampire.
    Ho-Lee-Shit.
    *** TEAM EDWARD! Ha! I don’t know what th ehhell it is with vampires anymore. Yummers. ~Laura

  34. Larry says:

    I’m on team OWEN ZASTAVA PITT.
    *** Monster Hunter eh? I will have to check them out. ~Laura

  35. I’m a little late to this party but…come on – Team Edward all the way. Though someone mentioned Jasper…oh dear lord he is just swoon-worthy.
    My hubby likes the movies actually – I think Alice has much to do with that.
    Whatever – I get to see them on the big screen. Edward – on the big screen – sigh
    *** J likes Alice too. I just don’t see how anyone can not be Team Edward. Srsly. ~Laura

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