Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I’m not big into celebrating Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take the paid days off work and a free meal where I can get one, but I don’t see the big deal in celebrating the fact that some whimpy-ass Europeans got survival tips from the Native Americans and then turned around and gave them VD and took all their shit like two-bit hookers. But I guess the Indians got the last laugh what with all those casinos and selling turquoise jewelry to all the retarded tourists. So really Thanksgiving is kind of like the movie “Pretty Woman” except in this version Julia Roberts kills Richard Gere with syphilis or herpes and takes all his shit, like that necklace and penthouse. Okay, it’s nothing like that, well except maybe if you’re drinking a bottle of Thanksgiving wine on an empty stomach for breakfast like I am. Whatever.
I know a lot of people like to take this time to state what they’re thankful for. Everyone says they’re thankful for shit like family, friends, and health, but I like to keep it real here so I’m going to do my
Things I Am Thankful For This Thanksgiving Day List
1. I am thankful that George Clooney didn’t marry that Italian WHORE.
2. I am thankful that they still make Circus Peanuts and that I don’t have diabetes. Yet.
3. I am thankful for J even though he’s a freedom-hating Nazi and really should go looking for that goat that God sent to me.
4. I am thankful for my pets even though they try to kill me on a daily bases. So I guess I’m also thankful they are really bad at murder.
5. I am thankful for my iPhone because it allows me to mention that I have an iPhone and be all douchey and annoying.
6. I am thankful that all you people like to read my crazy shit and comment and fill my attention whore soul with attention.
7. I am thankful there’s more Thanksgiving wine.
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LOL! Happy Thnaksgiving! Love the list!
*** Happy T Day to you too! ~Laura
Clearly you have much to be thankful for; I’m glad you realize what a blessing your readers are. Without us, what would be the point?
I’m thankful that you share your off-the-wall humor with all of us. Have a happy Turkey Day, whatever you’re doing.
Lorrie
*** Of course I’m thankful to my readers and thank you! And Happy Turkey Day! ~Laura
and i’m thankful that you took the time to blog this morning so i could shock my family and my daughter’s inlaws by reading it out loud to them while choking on laughter! you made my day
well and the pumpkin cheesecake we’ll have later – and the dressing and gravy (i don’t much like turkey) – and later that thanksgiving wine…
*** Ha! That pumpkin cheesecake sounds devine. Drink plenty of Thanksgiving wine. The Indians would want it that way. So do it for the Indians. ~Laura
Hey, I’m thankful for your blogging…when my friends tell me I have a warped sense of humor, I can send them here and seem normal LOL It’s a compliment, trust me…or not.
Happy Thanksgiving, thanks for the many laughs! Hope you have a great day!
ps – awesome list
*** Happy Thanksgiving to you and thanks. I think. Ha! ~Laura
I hope you and “J” have a great and wonderful holiday. And I don’t want to spoil it for you but YOU DO HAVE TO COME BACK TO WORK ON MONDAY!!!!! ha!
Did I mention I got a Garmin Nuvi 1300? Just sayin. It’s no IPhone but I’m excited.
*** Congrats and boo on you for reminding me. ~Laura
Ha! Im like you when it comes to holidays, esp Xmas. LOL
And Sean and I are thankful that J puts up with you because we wouldn’t have half as much fun!
*** Ha! J loves my crazy. At least I tell myself that. ~Laura
Happy Thanksgiving to one of my favorite bloggers.
** Awww, thanks Joe. You’ve always been my favorite stalker. ~Laura
Damn. Forgot the wine.
Awesome list and you have a great Thanksgiving!
*** Dude, maybe there’s a grocery store open still. Happy Thanksgiving to you too! ~Laura
Thank you for blogging for us Laura. You make me laugh all the time with your craziness. Happy Thanksgiving!
*** You’re welcome and Happy Thanksgiving. ~Laura
LMAO! I LOVE your blog! Thank you for entertaining us! Happy Thanksgiving!
*** You’re welcome and Happy Thanksgiving to you! ~Laura
We made sure we left you lots of work! Are you having trouble seeing out in the bright sunshine? I think I found some sunglasses, and I’m putting them with your jacket in front of the mexican restaurant! Hope you and J have a great thanksgiving (and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!!
*** That leaves it wide open then! We should eat at the new Mexican grill place in Forest Acres soon. ~Laura
Thanksgiving wine…it’s not just for breakfast anymore! ((*hiccup*))
Cheers!
*** Cheers!! And you’re so right! ~Laura
Great list! Happy T-day!
Gobble, gobble!
*** Happy T-Day! ~Laura
Thank God someone understands dissing Thanksgiving. I personally am thankful I didn’t feel the urge to reintegrate myself into the family – I’d end up saved or gluten free, one or the other…Laura, thanks for the blog, always the high point of my day. Crazy is good. Guys dig crazy. Even J (or especially J)
*** You are more than welcome and thank God that guys dig crazy is all I can say. ~Laura
What, no props to thumb rabies resistance?
Happy Thanks-Dissing
*** I’m afraid to mention the thumb rabies ’cause it may come back by the mere mention…but I supoose now we’ll see. Happy T Day to you! ~Laura
I woke up on the boat this morning, thankful that the stoopid jackdaw stomping around on the deck couldn’t murder me, and grateful that the J.R. didn’t toss me overboard during the night and collect the insurance.
**** HAHAHAHA! Not being murdered is always a good thing. ~Laura
I really do enjoy reading your craziness!
*** Good, ’cause it’s all I got to write about! Ha! ~Laura
LOL! I’m thankful you blog.
*** Awww, thanks. Are you drinking too? Ha! ~Laura
You crack me up! Happy T-Day to you!
*** Happy T-Day to you too. ~Laura
That was a cool milk trick!
*** I thought so. ~Laura
Hey, at least you focused on the *important* stuff, right?
*** Exactly. ~Laura
I hope your happy. I can barely speak as I just got done reading my visiting family your entry about dinosaurs and Drills Sargent’s. they think your a hoot also. And they laffed real hard. Please, please, now that we all are addicted, more posts like that!
*** Surprisingly I don’t have too many dinosaur stories. : ) ~Laura
I am thankful that you took the time to blog today. That you thought of us. Of all the things you could have been doing (and probably would rather have been doing) so thank you for being thoughtful and kind as usual. We love you and hope you and the “J” man had a great turkey.
*** We did and I hope you did also! ~Laura
Happy Thanksgiving!
*** Happy Thanksgiving! ~Laura
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Jack, Thelma and J!
*** Thanks! And to you! ~Laura
I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Mind was blur of anxiety and over achieving hostess-ness (me) I am thankful all my guests have gone home.
*** Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend! Mine was great, thanks. Though I wish I was still at the Outer Banks. ~Laura
Ok, would you believe I had HALF a drink yesterday??? I was at my sister’s for the Cowgirls game, and then the Aggie game came on and I totally forgot to DRINK!!
I will make up for this today, don’t worry.
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!
*** I did and I hope you did too! And yes, you must make up for it. ~Laura
When I read your blog to my family on Thanksgiving, my nephew almost snorted his punkin pie out his nose he laughed so hard!
Did Jack get a special treat for Thanksgiving? Maybe a lil “Honey,-mama’s-got-the-Thanksgiving-breakfast-wine-out,-so-here,-chew-on-this” type of treat?
Also, was flickering through your Flicker, and my middlechild wants you to know that she’s in love with your Thelma “contempt” picture.
Happy Bird-Shaped food day!
Hope your thumb rabies didn’t get mashed up in the Black Friday Madness!
*** Ha! Jack got some turkey and a Dingo Rawhide. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving! ~Laura
Just so you know, I’m thankful for you and your crazy blog. And J should find that goat for you, it’d better be a female goat though, ’cause they are useful and sweet. Male goats are buttheads (literally) mine tried to kill me the other day (or have sex more likely) and I have the bruises on my left thigh to show for it! I’m thankful for my girl goats though! It’s lunchtime now, so I can finish my breakfast wine with leftover pie. Thank God for Thanksgivng leftovers!
*** That’s so sweet of you to say. You should send me pics of your goats – but not being sexual predators buttheads because that’ll be kinda creepy. Ha! YAY for leftovers! ~Laura
Look what I found for you, Laura.
http://tackyraccoons.com/2010/11/24/if-i-were-a-goat/
*** Ha! That is way beyond awesome! Thanks. ~Laura
My almost six year old daughter, when asked what she was thankful for after hovering about the kitchen and table while the turkey was being carved and the dishes served, was very precise and eloquent:
“Turkey. Can we eat it now?”
I mean really, what other burning questions matter? Well, maybe whether or not Jennifer Aniston has a “new do,” but I mean, if you’re six and not a hillbilly.
*** She is smart. Food is what matters. ~Laura
The charitable operation World Vision is soliciting money for goats.
Srsly. “Goats bring smiles,” says their newsletter. Apparently it’s possible to set up some poor soul in some Third World hellhole with a goat for a mere $75.
Not that you should move to some Third World hellhole or anything.
*** HA! I thought about signing up for some of that goat welfare, but I don’t think I qualify. Damn. ~Laura
Hope you and yours had a happy & safe Thanksgiving!
*** Hope yours did too! ~Laura
Oh, PLEASE tell me you aren’t going all Angelina Jolie on me. Please tell me that although I know you are psycho and everything you don’t REALLY get into to all that stupid Hollywood hype that we shouldn’t “celebrate” Thanksgiving because we are nothing but murderous assholes.
I don’t buy it.
The first Thanksgiving was done in peace and cooperation.
Please, please tell me Laura you really aren’t a psycho that hates everything American.
Do I see I vial of George Clooney’s blood hanging from your necklace?
Set me straight here dear. Otherwise I’ll have to side with your crazy neighbor and maybe fill your front yard with pink flamingos.
*** Ha! Nooooo, I’m not all Angelina or anything like that. Puleeze. I just joke around about everyone giving everyone VD and I make up historical facts for teh funny. Simmah down nah. You’ll not meet anyone more American than me. I’m just a regular psycho with no agenda of any sort. ~Laura