Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Saturday I started watching Nip/Tuck episodes on Netflix that I had missed and before I knew it I had watched an entire season back to back. It was 2 a.m. and I had eaten half a bag of Circus Peanuts and was feeling kind of woozy so I fell unconscious on the couch. I mean, I literally just fell sideways and woke up about seven hours later to a phone call from my friend Amy who went over to her boyfriend’s house that night to watch the University of South Carolina/Auburn game. Apparently he’s a big South Carolina Gamecock fan so she was rooting for Auburn, because that’s how it’s done, and when the Gamecocks lost he got all mad and they had “angry sex.” I was still attempting to wake up and scrape off the dried Circus Peanut drool on the side of my face with one of my beautifully manicured fingernails as she was rattling on and I was thinking “Damn I don’t want to hear about your fucked up, freaky sexual shit” and then she said she thought she could have been impregnated because the condom broke and I busted out laughing. She told me to stop laughing, that she was serious and I told her she was going to have a busted condom bastard child and its head was probably going to be all misshapen and fucked up because of the trauma of blasting through ripped latex and a spermicidal reservoir tip. Then she said she was going to name it after me and call it “Bitch” and that I’d have to babysit it. I said I shouldn’t be punished just because they bought expired condoms in bulk from Big Lots. Then she started saying it was going to call me “Auntie Laura” and it was going to ride its Big Wheel to my house and be all “Auntie Laura, I want to live with you because mommy drinks.” I told her I would sell it to carnies at the State Fair so it could start early in the career it was destined for anyway. Then she told me I sucked as a supportive friend and I told her she sucked as a responsible adult and then we made plans to go shopping next weekend in Charleston.
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40 Responses to I am the wind beneath so many people’s wings. It’s a burden I bear because that’s just the kind of friend I am.
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Plan B! Hello! Have fun shopping.
*** Nah, the girl is on BCPs and this is her dramatic way of being dramatic so this is how I make fun of it. ~Laura
LMAO! That cracked me up. I hope she doesn’t have a carnie baby!
*** We all hope not. There’s too many carnies and not enough carnivals to hold them all in this world. ~Laura
LOL!!! I want to call you the next time I freak out about something!
*** I should start charging is what I should do. ~Laura
LOLOLOL! Ok, THAT was funny. And I loved Nip/Tuck.
*** Yeah, it’s a good show. ~Laura
You make my mornings. Too funny. I was so sad Monday when there was no post!
*** I had a Circus Peanut hangover. ~Laura
The warmth and support you have for a friend in crisis is awe inspiriting. The depth of your concern exudes from your writing.
Ha, now I know you live in SC..step 1 in stalking you.
*** I would drive a stalker insane because I would force them to go get their nails did with me and braid my hair while I told them hours upon hours of boring childhood stories and have them eat Circus Peanuts with me while watching horror movies or old tv series until finally they would go and get a restraining out against me. And yeah, I think I need to work on that warmth and support thingy. ~Laura
The world needs carnies…without them just think of the logistics associated with turning on the Tilt-a-Whirl while sitting in it.
*** HA! You are so correct. ~Laura
LMAO! Hysterical! I’m really sorry the Game Cocks lost….I didn’t know Big Lots sold condoms! no pun intended.
*** I am not certain that they do. But if they do that is probably how most carnies kids are conceived. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. ~Laura
Some people raise baby wolves by hand. You’ll be hand-raising a carnie baby and feeding it Circus Peanuts for breakfast.
*** I so would and I wouldn’t teach it to brush it’s teeth either so it could have that complete toothless carnie look. ~Laura
You ain’t right and I like that.
*** Right is boring. ~Laura
Speaking of carnies, have you ever seen the old 1932 movie “Freaks”?
*** Yes. I liked it, in a creepy sort of way. Oh and have you ever seen the X-Files show where they went to a carnival and some dude’s conjoined twin was detaching itself and killing people? That was one of my favorite episodes. That and the inbred family one that kept the “momma” on a skateboard. ~Laura
Actually, I almost completely missed the entire run of X-Files. I say almost because I did see part of one episode, maybe ten minutes worth. I saw some scene where there was a elementary schoolyard, and all of a sudden, the place got swarmed by killer bees, and one of the teachers got the kids inside, but then fell to the ground and was rolling and screaming while getting stung to death by several thousand bees while the kids watched through the glass doors. And that was it. Don’t know how that episode ended.
I keep thinking one day I’ll get the DVD season collections and watch the series, but I haven’t started yet. Got all the seasons of 24 to watch first.
*** I loved the X-Files and have the whole series. And seriously, at least watch the one episode called “Home” about the inbred family. It’s totally messed up (in a good freaky way) ~Laura
Shit that was funny. You should work for Planned Parenthood or give speeches to teen girls about birth control. lol
*** Nah, because I’d want to slap them and that’s supposed to be wrong or illegal or something. ~Laura
Hey those carnie freaks need new blood because they’re too inbred, so I think selling the kid is a great idea.
*** Me too. ~Laura
I always wondered where carnie folk came from.
*** Now you know, busted condoms. ~Laura
May God help little nephew or neice. I would love to be a fly on the wall when babysit. I think I will start calling you Auntie Laura here. LOL!!!
*** Umm yeah, you do that. ~Laura
Very funny. Sounds like the way my friends and I talk to each other.
** It’s the best way to talk to friends- just crazy. ~Laura
You are the slap in the face of reality. You done good
And that episode, “Home”, had a sheriff by the name of Andy Taylor
*** Yes it did indeed. An X-File fan too? ~Laura
I watched it until the first movie came out, then I got turned off. And on top of THAT, they killed off the Lone Gunmen. WTF???
Garg….
*** The movies sucked. Plain and simple, sucked. The tv series was great. I had the hots for Mulder- then, not now, now he’s like a sex fiend and although I can understand, that makes him icky. ~Laura
I’m too old to worry about busted condoms, but I can totally relate to X-Files; just started watching it from the beginning on Netflix.
And did your frantic friend at least ask about your thumb?
*** NO! THAT BITCH! She most certainly DID NOT! I’m going to say something to her next weekend about that. Thanks for reminding me. ~Laura
I loved the in-bred family episode of the X-Files. And I will be sure to NOT call you if I have a crisis. You would totally freak me out.
*** It’s my job to. ~Laura
That was one funny phone convo. And I always wondred too where carnies come from. You are always educating us.
*** I’m just like Sidney Poitier in “To Sir With Love.” ~Laura
Hmmmm… maybe that’s why I don’t get many calls. I’m not supportive and uplifting like you are. I thought the right answer to people calling you and saying they had problems was “Whatever”. Of course this is why it’s a good thing I work at home in a basement by myself.
*** Oh man, I wish I worked at home by myself. You’re just showing off now. ~Laura
Too funny!
I tried the iPhone app Karnival but it was too small and didn’t have enough freaks.
*** The more freaks the better is always the rule. ~Laura
lol You crack me up. I’m surprised she didn’t hang up on you.
*** Me too. ~Laura
I’d always heard that carnie babies were conceived because some fool woman used a dried-up Circus Peanut as a substitute for a diaphragm.
Of course, I could be wrong.
*** HAHA and ewww. ~Laura
omg carnie babies! They start out toothless and stay that way?
*** Sometimes probably, I really haven’t studied Carnie Science. Yet. ~Laura
Gee, I bet you can count all the good friends you have on one hand!
*** Less than one hand actually. ~Laura
I’d be very scared if carnies were climbing in my window and snatching my people up.
*** Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they be carnie’n everybody out there. ~Laura
I bet she won’t call you the next time the condom breaks! lol
*** I have no idea why she called and told me that anyway. Ha! ~Laura
Can’t wait ’til you share your “chili con carnie” recipe.
(Sorry…couldn’t resist.)
*** HAHA! The State Fair is coming up.. ~Laura
Have a great time here in Charleston. It’s finally not so hot here….
*** Yeah, I don’t go to the coast in the heat of summer. Well, I really don’t go anywhere in the hot summer. ~Laura
I know I’m off the subject here, and probably getting just a little ahead if it all but it’s almost OCTOBER!!!!!! I cant wait to see Jacks costumes this year. I CANT STAND IT!
**** Simmah down nah. ~Laura
You’re finally coming to Chucktown and so is a Tropical Disturbance. So, that’s like, two disturbances in the same weekend!
*** I kinow, right! ~Laura
See you are a good friend because you could have asked her about STI’s and shit and instead you talked about helping a potential zygote hit a career fastrack- you rock. Nip/Tuck is my crack-OMG my shadow self is probably Kimber. Just sayin’
*** OMG Kimber! She was a piece of work for sure. ~Laura
You are one twisted sister. I absolutely love that about you! We have that in common.
*** Being twisted is more fun, don’t you agree? ~Laura
Did you ever think she just might have carnie twins? Huh? Two? Or eight? That would be four sets of twins. Some extry sperms might have escaped and she might have been overegging and now you’ll have to get BIG LOT LOADS of circus peanuts. Did you ever think of that? You’re really fucked now, Auntie.
** Oh Hell to the no. I don’t take care of anyone’s busted condom babies. ~Laura
You’d have more to sell to the carnies, though. You’d be rich and famous as the carnie baby supplier. That’s a good thing to put on your resume for George. Maybe.
*** HAHA! I just wonder how much a carnie would pay for a baby, cause you know they probably find ‘em all the time left behind on ferris wheels and shit. ~Laura
I don’t understand how she wasn’t rolling with laughter.
*** We both were. ~Laura
So that’s the mystery of my birth!
***You’re gonna have to ask your momma about that. ~Laura