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I should put my thumb on a prayer list. Yes, it still hurts and has rabies. Thanks for your concern. That’s called “sarcasm” in case you’re wondering. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

On June 29, 2010 I wrote that I had a thumb that hurt. Since then I have written about it a few more times, here, here, and here. You don’t have to click those; I’m just making a point. I was not suffering in silence. Since the first entry about my thumb pain, not one of you sonsabitches has asked me how my thumb is. NOT. ONE. PERSON. Oh, and the people in my day to day life? Not one of those sonsabitches has asked either. NOT. ONE. PERSON. But you know what? I don’t expect much from those motherfuckers. I do, however, expect more from strangers on the Internet.

 

Listen, I think it’s quite obvious that I’m not some English major waiting for a book deal. And do you see any ads on here? No, you don’t. I haven’t made it a secret why I blog. I blog for attention. I blog to fill the void in my soul that Circus Peanuts don’t fill. And that void screams for attention and caring and concern from people I don’t know, people I like to call “my very good, close friends.” And I don’t know, but all the movies I’ve ever watched on Lifetime Network all showed that “very good, close friends” care and show concern when you’re in pain. I must be watching the wrong network, is there one called No-One-Gives-A-Shit Network? Maybe I need to order that and watch it exclusively from now on. Life would be so less disappointing then.

 

Now here’s the part where I usually put up a picture of a cute animal and say something like “Now here’s a picture of a —-” and we all go, “OMG that’s so adorable!” “Awww. I want one!” I even have a picture of some baby otters I was going to post, yes, BABY OTTERS. But not today, no, not today. This is the picture you uncaring, calloused sonsabitches get today:

 

 

Alminqui

 

Yeah.

54 Comments
 

54 Responses to I should put my thumb on a prayer list. Yes, it still hurts and has rabies. Thanks for your concern. That’s called “sarcasm” in case you’re wondering.

  1. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I’m still laughing. This has to be one of my favorite posts. I hope your thumb feels better soon. ~Sonsabitch
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  2. Michelle says:

    Dear Laura,
    I am so sorry that I have been a sorry sonsabitch and not asked about your rabid thumb. I hope your thumb sees a doctor and gets some medicine so it will feel better. I use Voltaren cream on my rabid thumb and it feels much better. Your thumb may benefit from some ice treatment or maybe some heat treatment (just stick it outside) or maybe alternate heat/ice treatment.
    I do sincerely hope your rabid thumb feels better soon.
    With deep concern,
    Michelle
    *** Thank you for your deep concern. I shall email you a picture of an otter. ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAOOOOOO!!!! Sonsabitches! OMG I hope your thumb gets better soon! LOL! Yeah.
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  4. Dave says:

    Total WIN. Yeah. Oh, and I hope your thumb feels better soon.
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  5. Mary Beth says:

    “I blog to fill the void in my soul that Circus Peanuts don’t fill.”
    That should be your byline. Hope your thumb stops hurting soon.
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  6. Mr. Bingley says:

    Finger-schminger. You’ve got nine other fingers, fer gosh sakes. Now, if, say, your leg was causing you extreme pain from Post Chicka Boom Syndrome (medically referred to as “PCBs” in all the spiffest littrature) then I would be all a-flowing with sympapathetic ooze, as that’s fully half your allotment.
    Or say if your head was compounded in a fractured way.
    Would T-Rex whine if she had a hang nail? No! She’d go shred herself a Brontosaurus with Added Extra Glee, she would.
    and extra blood.
    *** Oh I see how it is. I’m suppose to be all T-rex like. Well, I never professed to be that awesome. Yes, I am awesome, but not THAT awesome. No otters for you for one month! NEXT! ~Laura

  7. garnet says:

    This is the best lecture I have ever gotten. Yeah. We are a bunch of sonsabitches. LOL!!! Get well soon!!!
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  8. Curtal Friar says:

    Well, I could express concern, and I do have concern, but then I thought that wouldn’t really help you very much. So I sat thinking “Now what would really help Laura the most with her thumb? Her poor painful rabid thumb?”
    I couldn’t really think of anything, and I was kinda tired, so I went to my good friend Gunny Hartman and asked his advice. He looked at me and glared and told me to move my ass out the way and he was taking over. What follows is Gunny Hartman. Not me. Gunny Hartman. Hope he helps you. :D
    Gunny Hartman:
    “What is your major malfunction, woman? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child? Now stop whining! I got your name! I got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!”
    Okay, I’m back. I hope the venerable Gunny was able to assist you. Remember, that was not me. It was the Gunny.
    I should get an otter for getting you professional help.
    *** Oh hells no. No otter for you for one year! And no, no one can get too much attention!! Sonsabitches. ~Laura

  9. The Nickster says:

    Cut the F’n thing off and be done with it.
    *** You sonsabitch! No otters for you. Ha! ~Laura

  10. Shelly says:

    LOL! I hope your thumb is better soon. Sorry I haven’t asked about it.
    Please don’t post pics like that beast again! I’ll try harder to be more concerned!
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  11. kendra says:

    I seriously started reading this thinking you were about to tell us something awful about your thumb, then I read the first sonsabitch and laughed out loud and made my dog bark. I hope your thumb feels better soon! Please bring back the otters!
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  12. rathead says:

    Awww, he’s cute or her. Oh Laura, How’s your finger? LOL
    *** It hurts. Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  13. Jersey Jim says:

    I have started a prayer circle for you. We meet Fridays at lunch at the Pig & Whistle on Second Ave.
    In the meantime, this link has been rumored to inspire miracle cures.
    http://neveryetmelted.com/2010/09/23/what-are-those-dark-spots-on-that-dam/
    *** YES! Order me a gin and tonic- with a straw because my thumb hurts too much to hold a glass. I LURVE those sure-footed goats! Thank you for your concern. I will email you a picture of an otter. ~Laura

  14. Erik says:

    I am sorry for your thumb, and hope that it feels better soon. Maybe it would get better if you asked The Baby Jesus to heal it it, instead of asking for that 400K car?
    Cuban Solenodon’s are ugly little animals. Maybe nature is doing us all a favor by trying to extinct them.
    On a serious note(begin non-sarcasm), thanks for showing concern for me last week with my cough and lack of sleep, both of which have gotten better.(end non-sarcasm) Must be the prayer lists I was on – HA!
    *** Thank you for your concern. Also, I read the last known alminqui was killed when it’s forest area caught one fire and it ran out to attack a fireman. They said they killed it in self-defense. Kind of a cool story, I mean, if you’re into endangered, protected species attacking the people trying to save them. Which I am. ~Laura

  15. Ummm, I believe we had a whole conversation about your thumb about two months ago. You were talking about cutting it off. You also said you were tired of talking about it.
    Or maybe that was Duhv I was talking to.
    BTW, I can’t believe I have put up another bathroom post. I think I need to go to a therapist for my addiction to bathroom stories. What do you think?
    Hope your thumb feels better soon.
    *** It must have been Duhv, because I love talking about me. Ha! Wait, so does Duhv. Yeah, what’s up with all these bathroom stories? I can’t comment on there from here- is it not crazy that I can’t get on FMFM back pages??? Anyway, I will be over there when I get home. Thankyou for your concern. ~Laura

  16. Boinkers says:

    That is the ugliest fucking rat I have ever seen. and IIIII HOOOPPPE
    yooouuurrr thhhuuummmbb feeeeeeels beettteerrr, No really I meant that.about the rat I mean….. and your thumb.
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  17. Cinny says:

    LOL! I love your crazy attention whore rant. You would think people on teh Internet would be more caring. LOLOLO I hope your thumb is ok and I hope we get a cuter animal next week. lol!
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  18. Sherri says:

    I am so sorry I haven’t asked about the status of your rabid thumb. You should definitely get some meds for it. I was once in a “Rabies Program” where I had to get a bunch of shots and then they used my plasma to make rabies vaccine. Maybe the meds from my bodily fluids could cure your unending pain! I hope it gets better soon!!!
    *** I will ask my rabies doctor if we can use your blood. Bodily fluids sounds nasty. And thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  19. patti says:

    So, how’s your big toe?
    *** No ottters for you for one year. ~Laura

  20. Felicia says:

    OH MY GAWDDDDD! I wanted to see an otter and this is what we got?! My apologies! How’s your thumb? I hope it is better soon.
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  21. Kim says:

    You have thumbs?
    No, really, I hope it’s better since rabies tends to dehydrate one. Really.
    Also, I thought that thing was a baby anteater and was going to give it a pass. It’s a fucking venomous thingie. ?!?!?
    *** YES- it’s saliva is/was poisonous. They think it’s extinct now. And you just about lost otter pics for a year with that thumb comment, but you redeemed yourself. Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  22. Maeve says:

    I KNEW IT! The Chupacabra is running loose! I’ve heard the sucker lately around the ‘hood and now you have photographic proof they exsist.
    Maybe your thumb was bitten by a chupacabra and that is why it hurts.
    *** I don’t see much concern here, just a diagnosis. No otters for you for one year! ~Laura

  23. Brea says:

    *hanging head in shame* I sorry. Here.
    http://babyanimalz.com/
    Friendz on Internetz should know better. *sniff*
    Maybe some baby animals will help make it feel better?
    *** Thank you for your concern and showing me baby animals. ~Laura

  24. Tater says:

    I love this blog so much. You never know if you’re going to laugh, get educated, or get cussed out. I for one hope your thumb feels better.
    *** Thank you for your concern. ~Laura

  25. LeeAnn says:

    I was waiting for you to spontaneously combust because honestly, that’s the only ailment the Cool Kids are concerned about these days. Pony up, Laura. We’re waiting. Thumbs are so 2009.
    *** No otters for you for one year. ~Laura

  26. Jan says:

    Wait, was I supposed to express concern for something? I got sidetracked on the babyanimalz site. It might be days before I come up for air…
    *** No otters for you for one year! ~Laura

  27. Shane Cranford says:

    You are so right, Laura. You make me laugh every day and I have been so thoughtless. Perhaps in time you can forgive me and afford me at least one judgemental otter some day. BTW, the other thumb is looking good, the one holding the dryer…rowrrrr!!!
    *** Oh, you not only get judgmental otters for that, but baby pygmy goats. ~Laura

  28. Jack Jacob (your dog) says:

    You have thumbs? this explains a lot…….
    *** Oh, I see. Pretending to be Jack. Well, I know better. See, Jack knows I have thumbs because I’m the one opening his food. There will be no otters for you “JackJacob” for one year! ~Laura

  29. Nancy in Iowa says:

    Emma the Calico Queen just offered to bite your big toe to take your mind off your rabid thumb. Her lovely needle-like teeth can even draw blood, so you could create a design on said toe.
    I hope that helps.
    Nancy in Iowa
    *** I still don’t see much concern here. Emma can have otters because she seems helpful enough, but no otters for you for one year. ~Laura

  30. Baron Rheinbowsenfriggensunshein says:

    Unless your thumb is wrapped in bacon or has little thumb titties which it is offering to flash, I fail to see why I ought to give a fuck, flying or otherwise, about your thumb. Shit, no wonder George won’t return your calls, ya crybaby.
    *** I was just attacked by some idiot in the projects. And my thumb STAYS wrapped in bacon just a FYI. Run and tell that, homeboy. ~Laura

  31. Teresa says:

    Thumb? I was afraid to ask in case you had to have it cut off or maybe it fell off into the circus peanut bag and was causing angst. Since it’s still attached, I hope it gets better. In the meantime – here’s a strange vid for you to watch. Kinda looks like a dinosaur even though it isn’t. It might make your thumb rabies go into remission, or not.
    http://vimeo.com/11139540
    (ps – there is no sound on it)
    *** That was weird. And my thumb still hurts so you get 6 months of no otters. ~Laura

  32. MorningGlory says:

    OMG, I’ve been so overwhelmed by the pain in my OWN thumb that I neglected to ask about you. You know how we attention whores are; we only worry about ourselves. I’m so sorry. I hope your thumb feels better. I took my to the doctor, and he told me I have rheumatoid arthritis, and started me on quinine therapy. I thought that was just for malaria – shows what I know. When he said ‘quinine’, I said ‘Vodka and tonic? Cool!’. Alas, he insisted I take pharmaceutical-grade quinine. Bummer. But it’s made my thumb (actually, both of them, and the rest of my fingers, and my wrists) feel much more betterer. Maybe you should go see my doctor.
    *** You can see otters and no I refuse to see a doctor about it because it will cost me lots of money because my insurance sucks and I feel better just complaining about it and making people concerned. I will email you some otter pics. ~Laura

  33. THE Mr. Bill says:

    It was the Chickaboom Dance that distracted us from your thumb, so like totally your fault. I still hope your thumb gets better and soon…
    ps – I’m surprised you didn’t get all stabby at a couple of the comments, are you mellowing out on us?
    *** No no, I know those yahoos. It’s all in good fun. I can stab them later. Oh, and thank you for your concern about my thumb. ~Laura

  34. zonker says:

    Yeah, yeah,…bring on the stabbing, Laura. With that gimpy thumb, you won’t be able to hold a knife.
    In other words: hide your goats, hide your otters…and hide your baby badgers ’cause they showin’ no sympathy to anyone ’round here.
    *** No cute animals for you for one year. That means no bacon. Homeboy. ~Laura

  35. stanley says:

    Brilliant post, Laura. I hope your thumb is on the mend.
    *** Thank you for your concern and I will email you otter pics. ~Laura

  36. Mitchell says:

    Sorry to hear about your thumb Laura! Yeah, it’s probably arthritis. I’ve got a bit of it in my shoulders and I’m only 40, so it’s not just an old people thing.
    *** Now I don’t know whether to send you an otter pic or stab you. Ha! ~Laura

  37. CGHill says:

    Obviously the lot of us otter be ashamed of ourselves.
    *** HAHAHAHA! You get otter pics for that. ~Laura

  38. Elphaba says:

    Laura,
    Your thumb has been in my prayers for weeks; since my father always told me that it is impolite to brag about praying for other people, I didn’t mention it until now. Unfortunately, God (or T-Rex, or whomever) does not seem to respond to prayers about rabid thumbs, seeing as you have not been healed as of yet. I guess he has bigger fish to fry? Or maybe he’s just lazy. Men (and dinosaurs) usually are. Or, maybe it is because you wash your car on Sundays.
    I hear that cat saliva has incredible healing powers. Maybe you can try that. See? I’m trying to be concerned and helpful here. Ooops…gotta go…just heard my cat gacking up a hairball in the living room. I will happily mail him to you so that he can cure your thumb. Just send me an address!
    E.
    P.S. That is the most ADORABLE baby anteater that I’ve ever seen!
    *** Thank you for your concern and umm, you can keep your cat, I have my own yakking cat. ~Laura

  39. Tink says:

    Maybe it is from being such a good mommy and opening up all those cans…..
    *** They do have a pull top ya know. But it may be.~Laura

  40. Jean says:

    So if I wrote that I think you should go to a DR. about ur thumb, does that win me brownie points?
    *** No, but you can have an otter pic. ~Laura

  41. Oh shit, I am sorry for my oversight… but seeing as I have arthritis in my pinkie I kinda outrank you. And I’m sick as a dog. I was sick as a dog EACH AND EVERY TIME YOU POSTED ABOUT YOUR THUMB!!!
    Maybe. Heh!
    *** Umm I think you’re concerned, so you can have otter Pics. ~Laura

  42. Kim says:

    Could I have chinchilla pics instead?
    (Trying to deflect you from your earlier denial of otter pics.And, didn’t that make you stop thumb-hurting? Huh?)
    *** Maybe one chinchilla pic. THAT’S IT. ~Laura

  43. zonker says:

    Wait…no bacon? For a year? Dayum, you fight dirty.
    *** Run and tell that. ~Laura

  44. cmblake6 says:

    My deepest sympathies for your painful thumb. I am very familiar with painful bits all over my body. I don’t come here often enough to have caught your previous complaints, therefore I have obviously not noted your previous complaint. Mes apologe’.
    *** Oh so now you’re telling me you shun my blog. HAHA! No ottter pics for you (like you care) even though you showed concern. Ha! ~Laura

  45. Pat says:

    Okay, so we didn’t ask about your poor little thumb. Quit your whining and cowgirl up!
    What’s wrong with it anyway?
    Alright, hope it gets better! (I say, grudgingly!) (Kidding!)
    *** Oh I see how your concern is. ~Laura

  46. Quent says:

    It sounds to me like Weak Thumb Syndrome. Professional wrestlers and people from Kentucky get it. Professional wrestlers often strain the thumb when hitting other wrestlers with folding chairs. People from Kentucky get it from drinking the water, which is mildly radioactive. Fact. :) The only known cure is ice cream.
    *** Thank you, I like the cure. You can have all the otter pics you want. ~Laura

  47. All the previous comments and replies are like a Marx Bros. scene where the Lady of Umbrage declares, “I didn’t come here to be insulted!” and Groucho replies, “Oh? Where do you usually go?”
    As for your thumb, not only am I deeply concerned, but because I have inside info about prayer circles and lists I feel I should tell you that it is quite common in the South to cloak all sorts of gossip under the passive-aggressive veil of “prayerful concern.” And what is the Internet itself but a huge network of *ahem* prayerful concern? Just mentioning your thumb is the equivalent of being on hundreds of gossip. . .er, . . .prayer lists. Last I heard in my prayer circle was that your thumb had the clap. So, of course I would never mention it again. . . except behind your back.
    I do have a wonderful and very religious story about people who worshiped the thumb, but I see it would be redundant. Hope you are on the mend.
    *** I figured they were talking about my thumb now, and it’s RABIES not the clap, but I know the clap is a better gossip disease. Thank you for your concern though, even if it’s behind my back. ~Laura

  48. Elphaba says:

    How is your thumb today? I do hope that the groundswell–nay, tsunami! of concern is helping to heal it. =D
    *** Yes it is! Thanks! ~Laura

  49. Tink says:

    I hope your whole self is better today. especially your thumb.
    *** I hope you’re better. ~Laura

  50. Trish says:

    I would have asked about your thumb if I knew but sadly I missed them posts. So to you dear friend I am sending you (touch the screen now) healing properties. ZZZZAAAPPPPP. Did that help?????? Hey I got an idea ask your neighbor when she goes to church tomorrow to light a candle for ya.
    *** I should do that! Thanks. ~Laura

  51. Jennifer says:

    Hey Laura,
    I HOPE YOUR THUMB IS FEELING BETTER!!! OR GETS BETTER SOON!!! Sorry for yelling, but I’m writing from New Zealand and I wanted to make sure you heard it.
    Sonsabitchingly yours,
    Jen.
    PS. Long time reader, first time commenter – LOVE your blog. You make me laugh – thanks.
    *** My thumb feels better today. Thank you for your concern and I am glad you enjoy my blog and commented! I’m really international now! You just made my attention whore day! ~Laura

  52. mel says:

    Are you on your period?
    *** No, but I feel llike I am all the time. ~Laura

  53. LeeAnn says:

    No otters for a year? A whole year? What otter I to do?
    I spent all day working on that on. Yes indeedy bob, I did. (I secretly have sympathy for your thumb but dare not express it lest my heart of gold squishy insides be exposed and my rep as a hardnose investigative bloggerjourno is ruined and I have to go back to hooking for peanut butter on the cold mean streets of Serbia.)
    *** You should hook for Circus Peanuts. Make it worth your time. ~Laura

  54. Joy says:

    NOOOoooooo! Thumb rabies spreads through blog comments. Now we all have to get on prayer lists.
    Ouch. (I hope your thumb feels better).
    *** HA! Thank you. I hope yours doesn’t get too bad now that you’re contaminated with the thumb rabies. ~Laura

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