Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
First I’d like to say that I in no way mean any disrespect to anyone’s beliefs, unless you’re a Scientologist (Aliens piloting DC-8′s? Really?) I was raised Catholic, but stopped attending church as soon as I could get away with not going. Do I believe in God? Yes I do, but probably not the same way you do. With that being said, here’s a telephone convo I had with J on Wednesday who has a family member who just had emergency surgery.
Me: “So how’s everything there?”
J: “It’s fine. Lots of neighbors calling and bringing food. Word travels quickly here.”
Me: “Man, I wouldn’t want my neighbors knowing I was in the hospital. They’d probably steal all my stuff and then sell my house.”
J: “That’s the difference between the city and a small town. Here they’re calling about having him on a bunch of prayer lists and bringing food by.”
Me: “Prayer lists? What the hell is that?”
J: “It’s a list the churches have and they pray for people.”
Me: “So, wait a minute, by being on a list and getting a bunch of people praying, you have a better chance of the prayer getting to the Big Guy and getting a favorable response?”
J: “Well, I wouldn’t put it that way, but I suppose yes, that’s the theory.”
Me: “So how can I get on a prayer list?”
J: “Umm, why?”
Me: “I need a new car.”
J: “Laura, it’s not Santa’s List. It’s not to get things. It’s for sick people and people with troubles.”
Me: “Like suicidal people?”
J: “Yes, like suicidal people.”
Me: “Well, if I don’t get a new car soon, I’m going to kill myself. Who do I call?”
J: *CLICK*
Now here’s an illustration of me giving God jazz hands after this whole prayer list thingy works out:
That is a Lexus LFA that starts at $375,000. I’m sure God got it fully loaded for me, so it had to have cost more. For my next prayer list thingy I won’t be so greedy. I just want a baby pygmy goat. One wearing a solid gold diamond encrusted collar with big emeralds dangling down.
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34 Responses to I pretty much reserved my seat in Hell a long time ago, but I think I may have just had that seat upgraded.
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Baby pigmy goat car…hm…One Hot Wheels GTO coming right up!!!
*** Nooooo! I suppose I need to be more specific in that case. ~Laura
You are so funny!
*** I hope God thinks so too. ~Laura
“giving God jazz hands” OMFG!! LMAO!!!
“Thank you St. Lexus of Toyota!” LOLOLOLOLOLOL!
I LOVE this entry even if it upgraded your seat!
*** Thanks. I am glad my damnation makes you happy. ~Laura
Laura, I know people say this all the time and in my case it’s true- I was drinking coffee while reading this and CHOKED from laughing. The ‘jazz hands to God’ nearly killed me!
*** No, I do not need that on my record. ~Laura
If I remember my Charlton Heston correctly the Big Guy unfortunately rather frowns on golden hoofed animals.
Especially if Eddie G. Robinson is around.
*** NOOOO! He loves baby pygmy goats! ~Laura
Those are some fancy jazz hands.
*** They look more like catcher mitts, but oh well, it was geting late last night. I’m sure God wouldn’t mind. ~Laura
That is one seriously cool car, you must have been on a lot of prayer lists.
*** Yes, I would imagine every one in the Columbia area for a car like that. Oh, and it goes over 202 MPH so I could probably outrun the devil in it. ~Laura
I would love to receive the prayer chain phone call: “Let us Pray for John Peterson recovering from a heart attack, and Nancy Patterson who is having a hard time with gallstones and Laura who needs a new car and prefer a Lexus LFA” I could see how this would work.
*** YES! But if you want a prayer chain letter- I can forward a bunch that I GET AT WORK to you. They are real religious with angels and shit on them then they warn you that something bad will happen to you if you don’t forward it to at least 20 people in 15 mins. Hell, I don’t even know 20 people. Hmm.. ~Laura
Reminds me of a girl I knew when I was in the Army and stationed out in Monterey, CA. She had told me how she had desperately wanted a BMW for her first car when she was a young teenager, and her grandfather had finally promised her that when she turned 18, provided she got all straight A’s in her senior year of high school, he would buy her a brand new BMW for her 18th birthday/graduation present.
Well, she got straight A’s, and when her birthday came, she got her BMW. It was one of those six inch replicas that you can buy from a dealership for around $30 or so.
She was 23 when I knew her, and she was still really fucking pissed.
*** Sounds like something my crazy mean old papaw would have done. ~Laura
I’m a Catholic, and damned if I wasn’t laughing my ass off. I can haz humor
Yes, no golden idols for YOU
*** Girl, I never knew the others had lists! ~Laura
Jack would look really cool riding shotgun in that ride.
*** Especially wearing his leather jacket. ~Laura
Hell, indeed!
*** Indeed! ~Laura
Not to worry. You’ll be in good company in hell.
*** And you just know it’s full of those mean ole manicurists, so I can get my nails did. ~Laura
I think Dante would create a special level of hell for you. Level 9.875. I would get 9.876 and we could be roomies! Yay!
*** YAY! We can hit the clubs together, cause you just KNOW Hell is full of discos. ~Laura
Oh yeah, you are so going to hell…at least you’ll be traveling there first class! St Lexus of Toyota? LMAO!
You should add the jazz hands to your Chickaboom Prison Dance and go on Dancing With The Stars with George…
*** OMG YES I should! ~Laura
OMG!!! That is hilarious. I would love to be in J’s mind when you come up with some of the things that you do. That is way too funny. I know you heard me laughing when you were on the phone.
*** I did and I was about to throw a stapler at you. Beats the scissors I usually throw I suppose. ~Laura
Yay for the Bible Belt, where everyone is in everyone else’s business. Well, I guess if you are going to annoy God with many, many people praying for shit in your name then something fast enough to out run the Devil is probably your best bet. Hell probably has some awesome speedways.
*** That’s what I’m thinkin’! Vroom Vroom!! ~Laura
“Giving God jazz hands” had me rolling! Srsly, my side hurts from laughing. Don’t worry- I am pretty certain God must have a sense of humor and he won’t send you downstairs.
*** From your text to God’s ears/eyes or however that goes. ~Laura
LOL!! I like your tshirt!
*** Thank you. ~Laura
Lapsed Catholic, too, eh? I *thought* I recognized you from Our Lady Of Perpetual Happy Hour.
Anyhow, I gotch’ yer theme song right here…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAm0YQMEcEs
*** HAHA! I like her hair. ~Laura
I don’t have a great memory, but I’m pretty sure that we didn’t study about St. Lexus of Toyota in Catholic school.
**** Oh, you must have missed that class. ~Laura
Dang! I need on that list too! There’s a few vacation properties I have my eye on and I could use a boost. I mean, prayer lists to God have to have a better chance than the lottery, right?
*** I would think the odds are better. You should have them pray for a baby goat too. ~Laura
I want on the same list you’re on if you’re getting that car!
*** Now wait just a dang gone minute here. I don’t know, but if sharing prayers weakens them- you can’t be on my lists. Sorry. ~Laura
Fucking brilliant post, Laura.
*** Ha! Well, thanks. ~Laura
St. Lexus of Toyota… OMG!!! Best saint ever.
*** I also like St. Accord of Honda too, though she’s not as fancy as St. Lexus. ~Laura
Maybe you could get the fine people on the internet to create a prayer list for you. What has more power: the viral internet or some goofy little backwoods church?
*** Hmm…I don’t know if God listens to people who watch porn that many hours. Cause you know all them peoples be watching porn. ~Laura
I want this illustration as wallpaper!
** It’s yours…lemme know if you need a larger size. ~Laura
Please do not send me a prayer chain letter. I will pray extra hard for your fancy car and for the development of normal hands. Those emails freak me out and now I know that you are truly evil.
*** OMG it took you this long to figure out that I’m evil? Oh, I have a couple pics for your site too…why am I tell you here? ..anyway, I do and I want lots of points because God and I are like this >< now and I am certain He’ll want me to get a lot of points. No pressure, mind you. ~Laura
If you get the loaded goat, I’ll take the pygmy and you can keep the jewels – OK?
I’ll be happy to forward to you some of the Jesus stuff I get via email…..
*** *NO!! No religious email! Arrgh! Oh, I want the baby goat. And the collar. Ha! ~Laura
Close as I come to Automotive Prayer Lists is the occasional contact from Infiniti.
[groan]
Anyway, I don’t think there are any options on the LFA, which means that Toyota still really hasn’t figured out this super-lux thing: everyone else at the $200k price point has plenty of ways to shove it past $300k.
*** Dude, it starts at $375,000. It’s already shoved past 300K. ~Laura
Too funny Laura. Never figured you for a “name it and claim it” kinda girl. Crazy people those prosperity types.
*** I would like a new car. Or a baby goat. ~Laura
HEY! I heard they just announced finding two more species of horned dino’s in Utah – time to add to your collection
http://www.dailyutahchronicle.com/mobile/news/new-dinosaurs-discovered-1.2340341
*** YAY! I do need a bigger Army. ~Laura
I stand corrected. (Though as anyone will tell you, I don’t stand it very well.)
That said, though, if small-potatoes Porsche can come up with ways of making you pay upwards of $80,000 for a $55,000 car, surely Toyota ought to have some double-secret scheme to fatten the take. Then again, if they’re only selling a few of these … oh, hell, what am I talking about? Call George and tell him to pick you up in one of these things, pronto. You might want to remind him of what he’s missing, hanging out with all those dubious Hollywood types.
*** OH! I MUST ask God for GEORGE!! How could I forget??? ~Laura
I used to own a Toyota Highlander. It was basically a Lexus, only much cheaper. I got personalized plates that said “LLXXSS.” I once actually had to explain to a Highway Patrolman what that meant. D’oh!
But I’m dying now that I didn’t also get license plate frames that said, “St. Lexus of Toyota.” Or at least a bumper sticker that said that!
You are so clever it’s killing me!
*** You need to get another Toyota and have that on the plates. I like advising people in case you didn’t realize that. And thank you. ~Laura