Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Years ago Columbia had a prison right downtown next to a park. The park is called Riverfront Park and runs along the Congaree River and water canal. I used to run their path which was five miles long. So out to the dam and back was ten miles and it was perfect for running because it was lined with trees and was nice and shady. Anyway, the prison was along the side of the entrance of the park and was surrounded by an insanely huge double fence. The inside fence even looked electrified or something at the top and there was razor wire on both of them and there was a guard tower on that side. A lot of women didn’t like going to the park because the prisoners could scream through the bars of their rooms on that side and often did. When I would tell my friends that I was going to the park, they’d all be, “Oh no! Don’t the prisoners bother you?” and I was like “Well, no, they’re locked up.”
As you’d enter the park the cat calls and such would start. They would start telling you what they were going to do to you and how long they were going to do it, and how much you’d like it. My reply would always be different, depending on my mood. Sometimes I would kiss my hand and slap it on my ass, that being the international sign for kiss my ass. Other times I would flip them off and just keep walking, and sometimes I would holler back at them things like “Yeah, yeah, promises promises” and do a chickaboom chickaboom boom dance, a dance I’d perform that I’m sure just basically looked like that of a seizuring, retarded stripper. “Oh, that’s right, YOU CAN’T COME OUT HERE! HAHAHA!” Chickaboom boom! Sometimes the guards in the tower would laugh; sometimes they’d ask me to move along, especially if my chickaboom chickaboom boom performance would last too long, which they tended to do.
They tore the prison down years ago and put up a bunch of overpriced yuppie condominiums that overlook the river. The fencing and towers are all gone. Now when you go to the park you just see these generic, heinous condos and a parking lot full of Beamers and SUVs. Gone are the desperate men with their faces pressed into bars and screens, cat whistling and maniacally screaming foul, disgusting sexual things. I really miss that prison.
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38 Responses to I may have violated some human rights because I think this would fall under cruel and unusual punishment.
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‘Well no, they’re locked up’. HAHAHAHA. Priceless.
Glad I didn’t have to see the dance. I bet the prisoners enjoyed it. Have a great day.
*** They were a captive audience. ~Laura
OMFG I LOVED CCI being there! LOL And remember- they used to have goats between the two fences!! I miss it too! You’re right, the housing there now is way more hideous than that cool prison.
*** Yes, I remember the goats. Did you take the tour of the prison before they tore it down? That was so interesting and fun. ~Laura
LOL!! I would miss it too!
*** Yes, if you felt down, you could go there and get some prisoner attention. Ha! ~Laura
With the over-priced condos and high-falutin’ au-to-mo-beels it sounds like they replaced the old prison with a Debtor’s one…
Is there still that nice zoo there, btw? I remember, oh, 12 or so years ago I was in Pontiac on business and my Bride and Daughter passed the time at the Zoo while I was indulging in some Evil Capitalist Agenda-ing.
Or maybe it was Cell Block C they went to. I get so confused as time advances along.
*** YES! Riverbanks Zoo which is right up the river as the crow flies! It is a nice zoo, supposed to be in the top 10 in the country because of it’s natural habitat or something. Pontiac SC? That’s a small lil town. ~Laura
The dance must have been pretty bad for a prison guard to encourage you to leave.
*** I KNOW! It really was! I’d twirl around, almost falling several times and provide my own music by singing “chickaboom, chickaboom, boom, boom” which in my head is international stripper music. ~Laura
I think much of the Internet is basically the same thing: a walk in a park surrounded by inmates.
*** For sure! Some criminally insane. ~Laura
Gurrrl, I remember your Chickaboom Boom Boom dance at the park and it was hysterical.
*** HA! At least you can vouch that it was pretty inhumane to subject anyone to. HA! ~Laura
For some reason, your story reminds me of the scene from Cool Hand Luke, where the woman is washing her car while the prisoners are doing their work along the road and watching her.
I wonder if any of the prisoners who saw you had any fights later.
*** HA! It was far from that kind of sexy. Lawd, I don’t know what those prisoners thought, but it was funny so if I was in a goofy mood I would do it. I’d have friends with me falling over laughing. Sometimes a guard would even come out of the tower and laugh. Good times. ~Laura
Pontiac, playground of the Stars!
When I ate at the Solstice Kitchen this Spring I swear I saw George at the bar…
*** He was probably leaving my house, was his hair messed up? ~Laura
Hah! Perfect. Exercise, goats and a safe ego boost. What more could a girl ask for?
**** EXACTLY!! I’d be feeling bad about myself and would just go down to the park and walk back and forth! HAHA! ~Laura
When I walked by him I swear I smelled Circus Peanuts.
Didn’t really think much of it at the time.
*** HAHA! ~Laura
May me think of the old Citadel Military College in Charleston. The Embassy Suites turned it into a hotel, and it’s way too cool. My room was in one of the castle turrets. I give it 4 cannonballs.
Smack my ass and call me Sally, I gotta go fire up my crock pot.
*** You went to the Citadel? Way cool. Dude, you really must cook that beer braised pot roast too. It is fantastic! ~Laura
You know what is creepy (other than this story)…my son (six) does that freakin’ dance and I have no idea where he got it from. Probably cable TV. Shakes his @$$ and the whole nine yards. Shiver.
*** HAHAHAHAHA! It’s a fantastically fun dance! Yes, you shake your hips and twirl and every once in awhile smack yoru ass! They should teach it in school. ~Laura
Oh, I’m sure the guards told you to move along because you were a distraction TO THEM! Otherwise they would drop their guard (heh!) for a while and then they would have a riot on their hands, and they would be fighting convicts that were also turned on by you, and it would be all like “NO! She’s MINE!!” and the convicts would be all like “The hell she is!! We saw her FIRST!!” and basically it would be a modern day Helen of Troy, but with convicts and riot gear.
*** HAHA! More like they would rush the other side of the fence to get away! HAHA! “OMG There’s something wrongwith her!”" Every man for himself!” “Save yourself!!” “LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!” Ha!~Laura
I must see the Chick-a-Boom dance.
*** I shall perform it for you once you are strong enough to see it. It is not for the weak. Ha! ~Laura
@ Laura
Nah, I didn’t go to the Citadel…I stayed in the Citadel Hotel, but I did attend a military academy in Tennessee. That’s where I learned how to spin a sword and bust down, and up, a rifle…in the dark.
Sorry for the confusion.
*** No prob, I was just wondering. ~Laura
I wish I had a friend like you to run around and torment prisoners with our sexiness.
*** HAHAHAHAHA! ~Laura
LOL You should have got a bunch of girlfriends to dance with you!
*** Occasionally a friend would join in. It was great fun. ~Laura
I really hate that I didnt get to tour the prison. I went there one time to do an interview of one of the prisoners when I worked for an attorney. I was told to not wear tight slacks, no short skirt, so I went naked to be on the safe side. LOL
*** WHORE!!! PRISON WHORE!!! HAHAHA! ~Laura
I wish you’d post that Chickaboom Boom dance.
*** What? And lose all my readers? Ha! ~Laura
HAHAHA! I’d like to see that dance too. I bet the guards were all “WTF?”
*** I bet they were too. ~Laura
Ahh good ol’ CCI! I remember the words of encouragement I used to get walking dwn to the park.
**** HAHAHAHA! I think I have an idea of what they were encouraging you to do. ~Laura
Re: “Gone are the desperate men with their faces pressed into bars and screens…”
Visit your local IT Department. We’re still here!
**** HAHAHA! They’re climbing through your Windows, snatching your people up… ~Laura
I FREAKIN LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!! IT ROCKS!! REALLY!
*** Thank you. ~Laura
Of course- despite a brilliant post- I am obsessed with your mileage, bc well, that is just the way I run- as it were. Are you doing tens now? And sorry there are no desperately imprisoned men to make the run more entertaining bc the ten milers can rot your brain with boredom.
*** If the prison was still there, I never would have gotten out of shape to begin with. Ha! ~Laura
Oh, I would so miss it too. I bet you had fun tormenting those guys.
*** Most days. ~Laura
Can’t they put the razor wire back up to keep the yuppies in?
Pretty soon it will be like Finland, which after reading this you’ll agree–should be nuked:
http://www.sondrak.com/index.php/weblog/because_gubbmint_is_teh_answer/
*** OH MY GOD! They would tax my Circus Peanuts!! ~Laura
Those of us outside your real-life social circle feel let down by not having witnesses the chicaboom-boom dance. Therefore I propose a stick figure pictorial representation to appease your devoted audience.
signed: devoted audience member who is not at all pushy.
*** OH MY GOD And me with new Sharpies : ) ~Laura
I want video. It would be most excellent. Perhaps you’d even be on dancing with the stars or whatever that show is… or what’s the other one… so you think you can dance. It would be awesome but you’d need to have the prison onlookers in the picture for the best results.
*** YES! I must have a captive audition so they can’t run away. ~Laura
It occurs to me that a “seizuring, retarded stripper” is probably better than any of the inmates had any right to expect.
*** For Death Rowers. Ha! ~Laura
OMFG!!!!!!!!! Look what you have overlooked!!!!
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/clooney-makes-facts-of-life-debut
And here you are typing about CONVICTS??? What the hell is WRONG with you???
Heh!
*** Girl, I am trying to play hard to get now. A change in strategy. ~Laura
Re: “They’re climbing through your Windows”…crap, I wish I’d thought of that! Genius!
*** Everything Antoine said applies to every situation. He is the true genius. Run and tell that, Homeboy. ~Laura
You are warped. I like that! Good thang!
*** I’ve been told I’m worst things, so thanks. ~Laura
The prison is inside the blog awards Icon? I don’t know how many people would fit in it, but it doesn’t seem like many.
*** No, was right along that side of the path. ~Laura
Yeah…yuppie condominiums sound pretty boring compared to that prison.
*** Exactly. ~Laura
I think you just miss getting attention from so many men at once.
*** Ya think? ~ Laura
Oh, you are downright cruel. Funny, but cruel.
*** Nothing wrong with that. ~Laura
Siiiigh.
How did you ever move on with your life?
*** It’s been very difficult- it’s why I blog. Attention. ~Laura