Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

I’m pretty certain any day now I’m going to be nominated for president of the Homeowners Association or burned at the stake. It could go either way.

By Laura On September 19, 2010 · 27 Comments

I was outside this morning washing my car because if I’m forced to do something outdoors, I try to do it super early so I don’t burst into flames as quickly and my next door neighbor, not Crazy Betty, came out of her house dressed in her Sunday best with her Sunday hat on. She started to get in her car and I highly suspect go to church. I semi-raised my hand and nodded and she looked at me and released her hand from her car door and took a couple of steps in my direction and said all snooty, “You know it’s the Lord’s Day, you shouldn’t be working.” I stopped scrubbing the bird shit off of the side of my door, wiped the sweat that was dripping down into my eyes because it was still 1000 degrees, raised up and replied “Well, if God would get down off of that throne of His and do some chores around here, I could take a day off too.” A look of horror and disgust swept over her face and she turned and went back to her car. I smiled and said “Have a nice day!”

I continued washing my car, periodically checking the sky for lightning.

27 Comments

27 Responses to I’m pretty certain any day now I’m going to be nominated for president of the Homeowners Association or burned at the stake. It could go either way.

Zombie mom says:

September 19, 2010 at 11:23 am

Your response is the only sane one. Maybe you can train Jack to wash the car so you can renew your relationship with the Lord by not doing anything.
*** HAHA! I love the way you worded that. And Jack isn’t tall enough sadly. ~Laura

Reply
Nancy in Iowa says:

September 19, 2010 at 11:30 am

LOL!!!

Reply
dick says:

September 19, 2010 at 11:48 am

Heh…
Greatness.
*** I was waiting for the Jehovah Witness to come along. Sadly, they didn’t. ~Laura

Reply
The Oracle says:

September 19, 2010 at 12:20 pm

I nominate you for president of the Homeowners Association.
*** YAY! There’s one vote! ~Laura

Reply
Joan of Argghh! says:

September 19, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Like it wasn’t MAJOR work for her to get her ugly self all gussied up for church.
Personally, I think Jesus had a hearty laugh and approving nod at your perfect riposte!
I know I did!
*** I am constantly being told I’m a sinner in this town. AND they don’t even see the bad stuff I do. ~Laura

Reply
Teresa says:

September 19, 2010 at 12:53 pm

Oh I love it! I’d never think of something like that on the spur of the moment. My brain goes into a tailspin and I gape at the person who was so rude. I have to start writing down the stuff you and LeeAnn say and maybe I’ll remember it when I need it.
*** Years and years of practice and being raised with brothers. ~Laura

Reply
SB Smith says:

September 19, 2010 at 2:01 pm

You could have thrown “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” in her face.
You can always put a note on her door written with the “wrong” hand:
“SAY-TEN wus here”.
*** HAHAHAHA! I I like those ideas. ~Laura

Reply
Nicole says:

September 19, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Always good to have a real LOL on a Sunday morning.
*** Everyone needs a LOL everyday. ~Laura

Reply
Johnny says:

September 19, 2010 at 2:40 pm

You should have told her that you work for Satan and cleaning the shit off your car is doing his bidding. Also, you should have given her a rockin’ devil horns with your fingers for good measure.
*** Oh man, I really should have, and stuck my tongue out all Gene Simmons like. ~Laura

Reply
zonker says:

September 19, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Fuckin’-A that T-Rex picture is awesome. I did not, however, need that tune stuck in my head, dammit.
*** Ha! Think of it as a hymn now. ~Laura

Reply
Trish says:

September 19, 2010 at 3:11 pm

You could have given her your personnel baptism. You did have the hose in your hand right? lol
*** Oh yeah, I should have and said “The power of Christ compels you!” ~Laura

Reply
txlizzy says:

September 19, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Oooo Girrrl you in trouble now.
*** I KNOW!!! ~Laura

Reply
Michelle says:

September 19, 2010 at 5:21 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That was funny as ‘hell’! All kinds of retorts come to mind….’would you not pull your ass from the ditch’ is the first. Brilliant!
*** I like making friends with my neighbors : ) ~Laura

Reply
Tink says:

September 19, 2010 at 6:10 pm

Did you have on your Sunday Daisy Dukes? Ya know the “holy ones” with the lace all round the bottom….HA!
*** Ha! Yeah, I always wash my car with my ass hanging out of lacy shorts. Doesn’t everyone? ~Laura

Reply
LC Aggie Sith says:

September 19, 2010 at 6:11 pm

You know, I was raised to believe that God appreciates hard work, no matter when it happens. That biddy was freakin’ JEALOUS because you have a strong work ethic. And beautiful nails. You know it.
*** YES! My beautiful nails make people soooo envious! ~Laura

Reply
Yabu (EOTIS) says:

September 19, 2010 at 6:44 pm

Do me a favor…tell Crazy Betty to ask the Lord to turn down the heat…
*** By the Blood of Jesus, this heat is INSANE! ~Laura

Reply
Andrea Harris says:

September 19, 2010 at 9:06 pm

I’ve never understood that. Just because God took the day off doesn’t mean we humans get a day off too.
*** I know, right? It’s like we’re playing God or something. ~Laura

Reply
mel says:

September 19, 2010 at 9:06 pm

well, TECHNICALLY, Is Sunday even “the Lord’s Day” or is that really just the first day of the week that Christians believe is the 7th? I mean, any Jewish person will tell you that the day to rest and worship God is on Saturday (actually friday night to saturday night). And Judaism was around long before Christianity, so I would think they would have some knowledge on the subject. So you could have just told her she was a day late and a dollar short and she should read some history.
*** Girl, it would have went right over that fancy hat of hers. ~Laura

Reply
CGHill says:

September 19, 2010 at 9:10 pm

“For the Lord hath made the birds to fly, and therefore to crap upon my premises; thus I follow the divine plan, and I suggest that thou stuffeth it.”
This ought to work.
**** HAHAHAHA! I love it! ~Laura

Reply
Elphaba says:

September 19, 2010 at 10:06 pm

BWAHAHAHAHA! Love it!
You really need to turn this blog into a picture book. It would totally sell.
P.S. I hereby nominate you for President of Awesome.
*** Damn. That’s better than president of the Homeowners Association. ~Laura

Reply
Jennifer says:

September 20, 2010 at 5:17 am

Uggghh the Bible Belt. That pic is fantastic.
*** Yeah, ugh. ~Laura

Reply
Mary Beth says:

September 20, 2010 at 6:47 am

Fantastic snippet.

Reply
The Nickster says:

September 20, 2010 at 7:30 am

I would have capped it with “Vanity is a mortal sin. See you in Hell”
*** I need all you guys with me when I’m being told I’m a sinner. ~Laura

Reply
rathead says:

September 20, 2010 at 9:55 am

LOL!!! I would have loved to been a fly flying around to see that show. Only you!!!
*** You would have to have been a fly on my car and I would have washed you away. ~Laura

Reply
Patricia says:

September 20, 2010 at 10:45 am

Random angel=[My Lord, My Lord! I have horrible news. Laura is washing her car on Sunday!] God=(Hmm? What? Damnit, man! You think I care? I’m watching World War Three pick up steam here! I have bigger fish to fry! Check your priorities and get a life!)
If God didn’t want you to wash your car on Sunday then he should take better control over the birds. Because the only good bird is one that has been roasted with butter.
*** Yeah! Wait..I have a pet parrot. ~Laura

Reply
cbullitt says:

September 20, 2010 at 11:16 am

Laura, someone’s been messing with your dinosaur army. That T-Rex has three fingers.
That means he’s AN IMPOSTER!!!!
Hit him with a STICK!
Find out who he’s working for!
Interrogate him about other infiltrations!
Your life could be at risk!
*** I will apply some Stick Science to this matter at once. ~Laura

Reply
nightfly says:

September 21, 2010 at 1:34 pm

The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath.
I picture a large shock bubble with the words “BIBLE QUOTE” in them, causing her to fall back upon impact, sort of like the 60′s Batman TV show.
*** HAHA! POW! BAM! ~Laura

Reply