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We’ll do all the things best friends do, but if you want to borrow my clothes you’re going to have to eat A LOT more bacon sandwiches with extra mayo. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Dear Angelina Jolie,


I just read an article where you were giving an interview and you told the interviewer that you don’t have any girlfriends. You said that the only person you have to talk to is Brad and since I’m practically engaged to George Clooney and George and Brad are friends, I thought maybe we could be friends too. I don’t have many friends either, but in my case it’s not because I’m a world-renowned husband stealer, but I think it has to do with everyone being jealous of my awesomeness and not being willing to stand in my shadow where I put them. Anyway, all that’s about to change once my Boo and I are together, and I think we could be great friends, Angelina. Just to let you know a little about me- my hobbies include, but are not limited to, eating Circus Peanuts until I’m woozy, walking through seedy neighborhoods with my taser on stun, and cooking with beer. I can also write my name with my left hand. You see, I’m right handed so that’s kind of a big deal, like you being an ambassador, but more difficult.


I thought maybe we could hang out while the guys are filming another Oceans film and maybe braid each other’s hair or get our nails did, or make crank calls to other celebrities. Maybe order pizza. Of course, your herd of kids will have to stay with the nannies at your house since none will be allowed in my and my Boo’s villa. You understand. I think it’s also fair to warn you that I may at one point or another make out with Brad. Maybe a lot. It’s inevitable. I’m certain he’ll be attracted to me and my awesomeness and will be unable to control himself. Don’t worry, I won’t marry him or start shopping for babies with him, I’ll just make out with him secretly, because that’s how you do the whole “whore” thing correctly, Angie. See, I can teach you things.


So let me know what you think, George knows how to get in touch with me. 


BFFs 4-ever or until you piss me off,


Laura Ledford

34 Comments
 

34 Responses to We’ll do all the things best friends do, but if you want to borrow my clothes you’re going to have to eat A LOT more bacon sandwiches with extra mayo.

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! I could just imagine you and Angelina as friends. LOL Psst.. I would make out with Brad too.
    *** Well, duh. I mean, It’s Brad Fuckin’ Pitt fer chrissakes. ~Laura

  2. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I want to be Angie’s friend too.
    *** I bet you do. ~Laura

  3. Redmomma says:

    LMAO @ practically engaged. lol
    *** Wha? We are! ~Laura

  4. Mr. Bingley says:

    She collects blood, so you may want to mention T-Rex just to keep her ass in line.
    *** Oh hell, I’ll keep my eye on her. ~Laura

  5. Sara says:

    Oh, I want to be George’s friend.
    *** You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, girlfriend. ~Laura

  6. The Nickster says:

    Just be careful of her lips…she could whip her head around and put out your eye. Did I say lips?…I meant…ummm. Nevermind.
    *** Good lawd, just what the hell DID you mean? Don’t be getting all pornographic all up in here. Ha! ~ Laura

  7. Kim says:

    It would be cool if you two could have a “who can stuff the most circus peanuts in their mouth at once without puking” contest. Wouldn’t it? Then you could you-tube it and she’d be all flustered and it would give you more make-out time with Brad.
    *** OMG You’re my new best friend. That’s genius. I’ve been practicing my whole life for that and didn’t even know it. ~Laura

  8. Yabu (EOTIS) says:

    You failed to mention you’ve a PhD and a black belt in Stick Science. Nobody in their right mind would challenge someone with those credentials. Angelina is not my type, but she does have some soup-cooling lips.
    *** HAHA @ soup-cooling lips. ~Laura

  9. Kim says:

    I’m a “solutions” sort of person so I’m just glad to help. Because Brad certainly wouldn’t want to be kissing on some peanut/vomit-ridden Angelina when he could have a nice peanut-only-ridden Laura.
    *** And don’t forget woozy. I’ll be a woozy floozy. ~Laura

  10. lifeshighway says:

    OMG, what makes you think the Angie could not teach you a few “whore” tricks herself? Between her brother, Billy Bob and husband stealing, she would be a wealth of knowledge. Just remember tit for tat, while you are on the veranda with Brad who do you think will be in the gigantic walk-in shoe closet with your Boo?
    *** Oh no, my Boo doesn’t do women with children. I know my Boo. Brad on the other hand will do barren and hateful women. So I’m totally “in.” ~Laura

  11. garnet says:

    I don’t know about Angelina, and I’m not married to Brad Pitt, but I’ll be your friend.
    *** Excellent! But I’m very needy, you may want do like a trial run friendship thing. ~Laura

  12. Sue Dunham says:

    Laura, I’m curious. …”get our nails did”… Is that humour, or is it a regional thing? I’m thinking of that candidate for governor of Arizona who used this construction.
    *** Regional/humour actually- meaning it’s a slang used around here and I think it’s funny so I try to incorporate into all my conversations about manicures and sometimes hair- ie “got my hair did for the party.” Like that. I wouldn’t use it in a formal/ professional conversation. ~Laura

  13. Miss Laura, Ma’am. Can I have a sweater, it is cold here in your shadow.
    BTW, ur boo was checking me out.
    *** HAHA! Liar!! ~Laura

  14. Well, not much to add here, so I’m going to go start prep for that delish Beer Braised Beef you posted, and yes, I bought Guinness: two cans to cook, and two cans to drink. Awesome!
    Wait, I think I do have something to add…. nope, moment has passed. Going to go cook now!
    *** OH MY GOD! You are going to love that roast! Lemme know how it turns out for you and be sure to let it cook long enough to fall apart! ~Laura

  15. Janet Redmond says:

    No! Don’t be her friend! She’s evil and stupid!
    *** Evil, stupid people need friends too. ~Laura

  16. Erik says:

    Personally, Brad’s a dumbass for leaving Jennifer for Angelina. He’s a Mimbo.
    On another subject, I told my wife your Dinosaur/Army story and she got a kick out of it. I am thinking of taking your story “on the road” and getting rich off of it, or at least using it as a illustration. That whole “Maybe your life is to serve as a warning to others” thingy…
    Disclaimer: The above post was written under the influence of cold meds and lack of sleep, and in no way advocates stealing or taking credit for others life experiences. We thank you for your support.
    *** Dang. Trying to steal people’s lives. What kind of cold meds are you on? Oh and personally, I think Jen and Angie are both kind of “cold” Is that the right word? Maybe “humorless.” Maybe both. I don’t know. ~Laura

  17. zombie mom says:

    I really, really, really think Angelina needs you as a friend so you can give her some parenting advice. In fact, I pretty sure you have been helping her with Shiloh behind the scenes.
    *** HA! How frightening is that? I’ve helped Britney and just look what happened! ~Laura

  18. rathead says:

    L, you have to remember your low life friends, like me. I would like a few minutes with Brad when you get the chance. I loved Brad in “Legends of the Fall”.
    ** Oh that movie WAS Brad Pitt. I will never forget the scene where he rode up on his horse to meet his brother’s WHORE and he jumped down, smiling that sexy Brad smile, and tipped his cowboy hate and a little rain fell off. OH MY GOODNESS. That scene runs through my head from time to time… ~Laura

  19. Nicole says:

    Girl, take a break from interstalking and check out the goat vid on cheezburger! I’m sure other folks will send you the link since you have a line to all that is goat.
    *** I have seen that and that goat scares me! Have you seen the waving goat one yet? He waves at people when they say hello or goodbye. I, of course, will now have to start posting more goats. ~Laura

  20. Stacy says:

    I really don’t think you’d want to be Angelina’s friend. I bet she’s a bitch.
    ***Well, she’ll have to behave herself around me. ~Laura

  21. Brea says:

    “Regional/humour actually- meaning it’s a slang used around here and I think it’s funny so I try to incorporate into all my conversations about manicures and sometimes hair- ie “got my hair did for the party.” Like that. I wouldn’t use it in a formal/ professional conversation.”
    Ooh, I got shivers…’cause that voice, professional you vs. conversational you… Which one’s the evil twin again? I get confused. (not hard to do, I know)
    *** Both are actually. The “business” me is ruthless- in a good way : ) ~Laura

  22. Daniel J says:

    Angelina Joie always seemed a little psycho to me.
    *** Yeah, she’s probably a tad crazy. ~Laura

  23. Jan says:

    Ha! You certainly better make her leave all those kids home! Maybe you could convince her to switch to goats. They’re so much easier to take care of.
    *** My villa would be filled with baby pygmy goats. ~Laura

  24. April says:

    I’d have to go after Brad too if I were you.
    *** Oh, I don’t WANT him, I just want to make out with him. A lot. ~Laura

  25. CGHill says:

    All I want to know is this: is your taser really set to stun?
    *** Well, actually it’s on “convulse.” ~Laura

  26. Heather says:

    Oh god, can you imagine if she brought all those kids over to your “villa”?
    *** No. ~Laura

  27. Curtal Friar says:

    Maybe it’s just me, but I never found Angelina Jolie to be all that attractive. Truthfully, I found her more of a turn-off. And I would include Jennifer Anniston as well. Jennifer was a little cute at one time, but that’s long gone.
    As far as Angelina being a bitch, I doubt any hollywood actress could hold their own against a real bitch from any neighborhood anywhere in America. The so-called hollywood bitch is nothing more than a spoiled brat with pretensions of grandeur. I know at least a half-dozen women just in the couple of departments around mine here at work who could reduce Jolie to tears in a minute.
    *** Yeah! I beat I could crush her! Ha! That felt good to say outloud, well, in text anyway. ~Laura

  28. stephanie says:

    I think you should be friends with Clooney’s WHORE and then push her in the lake with a rock tied around her cankle.
    *** HA! Hmmm… and then I could console him… ~Laura

  29. SB Smith says:

    LOL… if you mail that to Angie, I want a tiny camera there so I can watch her read it !
    *
    Are you happy now ?…All you did was mention bacon and mayo and you’ve made me hungry for a few BLT’s…or maybe I’ll just make one big fat BLT with double amounts of lettuce and tomato and triple the bacon. Of Course – plenty of mayo and some mustard.
    *** You should make two great big BLTs with triple bacon. ~ Laura

  30. mel says:

    Laura, don’t do it!
    *** But she needs a friend! ~Laura

  31. dick says:

    Dated Angelina for a few months after she hooked up with Billy Bob.
    That was some freaky stuff to say the least. One thing’s for sure. I’ll never look at fresh roadkill the same way again.
    *** She was a freak in those Billy Bob days. ~Laura

  32. Richelle says:

    Oh!!!!!!! Hell to the naw!!! Yall bitches ain’t leaving me out of the damn girl party…. I’m bring my man too (Denzel Washington)….
    *** HA! Okay okay, you’re IN. We’ll all get our nails did and have Jolie pay for it. ~Laura

  33. Tink says:

    My sis made me a BLT for breakfast yesterday but she put Onion on it . she calls it a BLOT. It was magnificent.
    *** Yum! ~Laura

  34. Stephanie says:

    I think Angie may be into the whole group-make-out-scene…you may have to engage in a 4-some with them. But, who knows? It could be glorious. Or horrible for Angie when Brad and George decide you’re the better lover and want to be co-hubbies with you!
    ** YES! In my head- that would be EXACTLY what would happen. But sadly, in reality I bet bodyguards would be called and I’d be tossed over the gate and then my clothes shortly after : ( ~Laura

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