Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 164

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 167

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 170

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 173

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 176

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 178

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 180

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 202

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 206

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 214

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 215

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 217

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/includes/class.layout.php on line 321

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 56

Warning: Creating default object from empty value in /home/jimstant/public_html/fetchmyflyingmonkeys/wp-content/themes/platformpro/admin/class.options.metapanel.php on line 49
Why I don’t have a baby badger or a baby otter and also why you really shouldn’t trust those asshole greeters at Wal-Mart. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura




 


Brea from Brea’s Air put the link to this video in my comments and I had a few people email it to me because everyone knows I love me some baby badgers and otters and they are always telling me I need to get one. Every time I watch this video the adorable just knocks me out of my chair. If I had one or both of these little guys I would quit my job so I could stay home to play with them until they grew up and ate my face off because they are wild animals and that’s what wild animals do. Then I wouldn’t be able to get my face fixed because I had quit my job and have no insurance, so my face would scab over and everyone would call me “Scab Face.” The only place I’d feel at home would be Wal-Mart, but because I couldn’t buy anything there, because I had quit my job, the greeter who usually smiles and says “Would you like a cart?” would be all “Hey you! You never buy anything! No loitering, Scab Face!” and would chase me away waving one of those big price gun thingies that has smiley face stickers in it. So I wouldn’t even be able to hang out at Wal-Mart and I couldn’t go back home because the badger and otter would be waiting there to finish the job. You really do have to think things out before getting a pet.


P.S. Comments appear to be broken at the moment and that really sucks for a big ole’ attention whore like myself. I’m depressed now. I’m going to have to watch that video over and over all day now and I’ll probably fall into some kind of diabetic coma or something and I’ll get fired and I’ll hold MT responsible because they broke my comments, but they won’t care because they’re assholes too, but at least they won’t eat my face off. So there’s that I suppose.


P.P.S. The comments appear to be working for now. Thank God. One more squeak from that baby badger would have rendered me unconscious.

26 Comments
 

26 Responses to Why I don’t have a baby badger or a baby otter and also why you really shouldn’t trust those asshole greeters at Wal-Mart.

  1. Jennifer says:

    Those are very good reasons why not to get an otter or badger for a pet!
    *** I think so. ~Laura

  2. Tara says:

    I never trusted those damn Wal-Mart greeters either!
    *** You shouldn’t. They will chase you with their smiley face sticker guns. ~Laura

  3. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I stopped taking nature hikes because the wildlife kept trying to eat my face off.
    *** YES! Hiking is very dangerous like that. ~Laura

  4. Yabu (EOTIS) says:

    Don’t worry, Jack will kill that badger before it gets to attack age. I mean, that’s what he was bred to do. Kill badgers. Ain’t no ying / yang going on when you put the two together.
    You should look at migrating from MT to WP.
    *** I like the WP platform. It is soooo much more user friendly than MT, but my site is custom made and I wouldn’t want to lose the look because I really like it and that’s what matters, ya know? I like that it’s different.
    And OH MY GOD I can’t be having doxie badger battles going on. So there’s that too. ~Laura

  5. If ever you do become Scab Face, Wal-Mart would HIRE you as a greeter. Better learn to wield that smiley face sticker gun :)
    *** I’ve actually been practicing! You gotta always be prepared in this economy. ~Laura

  6. Mary Beth says:

    OMG!! How did you survive this no comment thing??!
    *** It was VERY difficult!! I cried a little. Yes, I did. And pouted. But I was strong, except I kinda emo cut myself. Well, okay, it was while shaving my leg, but it still counts. ~Laura

  7. Nicole says:

    It’s a good thing you are so good at planning things out and looking ahead. I’d hate for you to be all Darkman-ish.
    *** I KNOW, right?! I try to always work things out in my head, unless I don’t. ~Laura

  8. rathead says:

    awww how cute. I could never bet on what you might say, I love how you have this wonderful imagination. Keep up the good work.
    *** I will try. As long as my comments don’t break. ~Laura

  9. garnet says:

    OMG I was trying to comment and it was giving me errors and I was clicking like a mother fucker and now I don’t ven know what I was going to say, but at least it’s working now!
    *** I know! All that matters is that you got to comment!! ~Laura

  10. Brea says:

    Jack would definitely try to eat the badger, and the badger would pout and cry, then Jack would get all “Oh, get over it, I was only kidding!” And go back to his rawhide. And the otter would sit off to the side and laugh, because that’s what otters do. Cheeky bastards.
    *** Oh I want a cheeky bastard otter! ~Laura

  11. Teresa says:

    But if you covered your face with those smiley stickers maybe they wouldn’t notice the scabs. Then they’d think you were part of the merchandise and put you on sale. The scary part of that is who would buy you because you know someone in Wal-mars would certainly buy you and try to turn you into a lawn ornament or something.
    Yes, I need sleep.
    *** Oh I am always “on sale” wait…what? ~Laura

  12. Sharon says:

    I had an error commenting earlier! Imagine how many people just gave up!
    *** OH MY GOD! Literally THOUSANDS I’m sure!! Do NOT go work for a Suicide Prevention Center as a conselor! ~Laura

  13. CGHill says:

    If nothing else, this demonstrates why you should not shave your legs when you’re otherwise preoccupied: the risk is just too great.
    *** Oh and I have the scars to prove it. ~Laura

  14. Shelly says:

    I love your logic!
    *** It works. ~Laura

  15. zombie mom says:

    But really, if your face gotten eaten off- you could then have triple header attention whore opportunity-
    1) Face eaten by wild animal- People cover for sure
    2) Bravery in the face of disfigurement- Oprah and a spot on Maury
    3) Face transplant- NYTs, WSJ, People and a spot on the final Oprah shows along with that dog that dances on its back legs and doesn’t have doggy arms but a good attitude.
    You are welcome- let me know when you want me to step in as your PR strategist.
    *** Oh you are hired, girl! I will pay you later though after I endorse ski masks or something. ~Laura

  16. lifeshighway says:

    The most remarkable explanation of why not to have a baby animal I have every heard.
    Where were you when my daughter begged down my resistance resulting in the ownership of Caesar the Nazi Pomeranian who at this very moment is probably plotting my own face scabbing.
    *** Poms are sassy face eaters. Sleep with one eye open. ~Laura

  17. Mark In IT says:

    I am going to tell my wife that she can’t get a rabbit she wants because it will eat her face off and she’ll be chased out of Wal-Mart.
    *** You really should warn her because rabbits are notorious for eating faces. ~Laura

  18. Redmomma says:

    oh no! Don’t get your bulbous face eaten off!
    *** I will try not to! ~Laura

  19. Felicia says:

    I came back to comment because I saw where your comments were broken and you probably need a comment so your Monday won’t suck too bad.
    *** Bless you. It is so hard being an attention whore with a broken blog. ~Laura

  20. zonker says:

    I couldn’t help but notice that some of your replies to previous comments seem to be carefully crafted to make your baby badger cry. (i.e., “sp”, “beless”, etc.) You’re such a bully. No wonder it’ll eat your face off when it grows up.
    BTW – thanks for posting this video. It reminded me I need to buy bacon the next time I go grocery shopping.
    *** iPhone key pads hate “did” nails and apparently Steve Jobs really hates badgers. Oh, and don’t be a spell nazi, climbing in your comments snatching your typos up.. ~Laura

  21. Jan says:

    Good thing comments are back up… Withdrawl symptoms are a bitch!
    *** Oh I know! I was about to scream and just close the blog down while I cried in a corner somewhere. HA! ~Laura

  22. mel says:

    Your imagination is bigger than that of all the kids I ever knew put together.
    *** Well, thank you. ~Laura

  23. zonker says:

    Hide your consonants, hide your vowels..and hide your punctuation ’cause they ending sentences with prepositions around here.
    *** HAHAHA! You don’t need to come and correct, I’m lookin for you, I’m gonna find you, gonna find you. So you can run and proof read, run and proof read, run and proof read, spell nazi, spell, spell nazi.

  24. Cinny says:

    Your reasoning skills are beyond reproach.
    *** I know, right?! ~laura

  25. Raye says:

    You have a great blog. I really enjoy it.
    *** Thanks. ~Laura

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>