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Get Well Soon (so you can google your ass…literally) | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I have a friend who was going in for some scheduled major surgery early Thursday morning. I knew she had been dreading it and had been nervous about it for weeks. Since I get up super early every morning I decided to give her a call so I could give her some comfort and support in her time of need, like friends tend to do.


Her: “Hi!”


Me: “Hi yourself. Are you on your way to the hospital?”


Her: “Yeah, sure am.”


Me: “How are you holding up?”


Her: “I’m really nervous about this surgery, Laura.”


Me: “I know, but you will be fine. The surgery will be over before you know it and then it’s just a matter of healing. What you should be nervous about is being unconscious and laying there completely naked all sprawled out in a room full of strangers.”


Her: “OH MY GOD!”


Me: “Girl, it will be just like you’re in college again!”


Her: “OH MY GOD!”


Me: “Let’s just hope this one doesn’t end with photographs being posted on the Internet, expulsions, and getting the DA’s office involved.”


Her: *CLICK*


You know, the more I write down these exchanges between me and my friends, I really am beginning to realize why I have so few.

30 Comments
 

30 Responses to Get Well Soon (so you can google your ass…literally)

  1. Jennifer says:

    LMAO!! I hope your friend’s surgery went well. And THIS is why you should have more friends than you could shake a stick at!
    *** HA! She did great. ~Laura

  2. Mary Beth says:

    Was she mad you? Because I thought that was funny as hell.
    *** Nooo. She even called me last night while under the influence of morphine to tell me she told everyone what I said, and she was laughing. All my good friends hang up on me. ~Laura

  3. Mr. Bingley says:

    The photos actually didn’t come out too bad; they have that soft-edged look about them, kind of like the way they always used to film Dr. Bev Crusher on ST:TNG
    *** HA! Or on Madonna’s Crypt Keeper face. ~Laura

  4. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    I would want a call like that on my way to the hospital, seriously.
    *** Well, I personally would prefer a call that told me there was a mistake and I don’t need the surgery. Ha! ~Laura

  5. Michelle says:

    I would love to have a friend like you. In fact, I am sort of a ‘friend like you’. That is something I would probably do. I am glad your friends are true and that this one came through surgery well. Have a great weekend and I hope your friends recovery is speedy and ‘normal’.
    *** Well, thank you. You have a great weekend too. ~Laura

  6. Yabu (EOTIS) says:

    You are just plain damn inspirational…
    *** HA! Yeah, that’s me. ~Laura

  7. Holy shit, and I thought my conversations were bad. I’m a piker compared to you. I shall be your willing pupil :)
    ** I should do seminars and charge Circus Peanuts and bacon. Oh, and funny labeled wines. ~Laura

  8. THE Mr. Bill says:

    Too funny! You took her mind off the surgery, that’s what counts. You should be a pre-surgery counselor…
    Glad all went well for your friend and hope she has a speedy recovery!
    *** I will tell her, but she will probably read this when she gets her ass home. And YES! Another career choice! ~Laura

  9. The Nickster says:

    My wife often says to me “and this is why people hate you”. People need to lighten up. I think you should follow-up and ask her if she still has both of her kidneys?…and how would she really know?!?
    *** OMG YES! I will ask her that AFTER she gets home. ~ Laura

  10. Tara says:

    LOL! I would have loved it! Nothing like a good ole laugh before a major surgery!
    *** Exactly. ~Laura

  11. zombie mom says:

    Thats why I want all my surgeries with conscious sedation. That or a guarantee that only the hipstamatic filters will be used for the photos.
    ** Ooo I know, girl! and lots of soft lighting! ~laura

  12. CGHill says:

    You should have offered to take some of those threatened Internet pictures with your iPhone. (You have an iPhone, right?) Would have clammed her right up.
    *** Eww I don’t want to be seeing my friend’s Kool Aid all Betadined up. Some things seen can not be unseen. ~Laura

  13. MorningGlory says:

    As a long-time personal friend of Michelle’s, I can attest to the fact that she is, indeed, a ‘friend like you’. I love her dearly! The funniest part is, the person who introduced us was sure we wouldn’t like each other; that we would actually despise each other.
    *** I think it takes “special people to be friends with people like me. And by “special” I don’t mean “helmet wearing special” though, some of my froends do in fact need helmets. ~Laura

  14. Heather says:

    LOL I bet she’ll be laughing for days over that conversation.
    *** or until she finds her bare ass on the Internet. ~Laura

  15. Shelly says:

    OMFG Imagine having surgery and actually finding pics of your naked ass on the Internet! OMG!!
    *** If it was JUST my ass and didn’t include my face anywhere I would quietly close the page and walk away slowly, whistling. ~Laura~Laura

  16. Jan says:

    I expect a call the next time I have to have surgery!
    Here’s the rest of the pics I took. More goats anyone?
    http://jlbussey.exposuremanager.com/g/esf2010
    **** OOoooo GOATS! ~Laura

  17. lifeshighway says:

    You are what I would call a “not for beginners” friend. As in this is a nice horse but NOT FOR BEGINNERS. This is an alpha dog and NOT FOR BEGINNERS.
    My favorite type of people and why my husband hates having my buddies over for dinner.
    *** OMG you are probably right! Novice friends run like hell when they see me. Bunch o’skanks. ~Laura

  18. Playboy for Recovering Surgical Patients says:

    That’s how we get our centerfolds.
    *** HAHA! ~Laura

  19. KarenB says:

    I would kill to have a friend like you. No, I mean it, I would kill.
    *** I will send you a list, then when you’ve completed it, we can braid each other’s hair. ~Laura

  20. Erik says:

    Taking pictures in hospital? I hate to brag(no I don’t), but the last time I was in the hospital I took pictures, but it was of my son being born.
    If you can’t handle it, don’t click the link.
    And yes, I plan on blackmailing him someday…
    *** OH MY GOD- do not put in a link and casual say “if you can’t handle it don’t click” because I clicked like a mofo and I was all “OMG PLEASE DON”T LET IT BIG OLE BABY HEAD POPPING OUT OF A VAG” as the page was loading.. and it wasn’t! YAY! I must say, that is a good pic- I like that most of the jello stuff is off of him and I like how the doc and nurse or whoever look kinda transparent so it looks like your baby was born on an alien ship or something. Tell your son Happy Birthday for me! ~Laura

  21. Brea says:

    I find that when the nurses get all “So, how are WE feeling”, I have to fuck with them a little. Last surgery I had, I told one of the nurses I was a little anxious about going under (didn’t want to end up on You Tube singing about purple unicorns, ya know)and she asked (her)”Well, have you ever had surgery before?”
    (me)Yes.
    (her)”Did you come out of it ok?”
    (me)Nope. Died on the table.
    o.O was the look I got and ” ” was the response. The doc and the other nurses laughed. She shot me a dirty look. Then I was afraid. Never piss off the people working on your unconscious body, folks. You’ll wind up typing responses to blogs with the fingers in your ear. But it does make braiding your own hair pretty easy.
    I’ll never go back to that dentist.
    *** OH NO, NEVER piss off someone that’s gonna be in your mouth…wait..what? Oh, yeah, a dentist, well, don’t piss them off either. ~Laura

  22. Cinny says:

    That was funny, even if I am scheduled for a piece of surgery next week!
    *** Well, good luck and don’t forget you’ll be all naked in front of a room full of strangers. You’re welcome. ~Laura

  23. Kim says:

    Ooh! After I had #2 Frothlet, and was wearing my Elvis blue slippers with the Elvis dollhead/tuxedo and that and while we were making fun of Elvis, talking about the Dead Elvis party our neighbors had…I realized that my head nurse was a FAN. So, Mr. Froth took my slippers and I shut up and she didn’t kill me or my baby.
    *** HAHA! Yeah, you gotta watch out fir sensitive caregivers. ~Laura

  24. mel says:

    Well what kind of friend is that? I would never hang up on you for humiliating me.
    *** Ha! It’s traditional for people to hang up on me. ~Laura

  25. You know what you need? You need a rating system. A system like facebook but better. Where I don’t have to comment, I can click 5 george clooney’s heads when I like a post. Damn, I am fucking lazy.
    **** Ummm no. Rating me is not giving me the attention I crave. HA! Attention whores don’t want to be graded. ~Laura

  26. The Nickster says:

    Speaking of pictures of newborns…so we’re in the child birth class or whatever the fuck it’s called and the “trainer” proceeds to say “and Dad’s, you can’t take a picture of the baby coming out and the Mother and have them both in focus”. I raise my hand and ask “Are we in Photography 101 or are we going to talk about punching the kid out?”. I got a dirty look. It seemed a fair question.
    *** HAHA! Some people get really sensitive that you would even joke about punching a kid. I should know. ~Laura

  27. Scarlett says:

    I would have busted out laughing all the way to the hospital. I’ll have you call me if I’m ever scheduled for surgery.
    ***Okay.Hey, maybe there’s a career in this…hmmm. ~Laura

  28. CGHill says:

    How could anyone rate you anything other than the maximum number of stars or upturned thumbs or Otter Pops or whatever? You’re the only one out there who (1) moderates every comment and then (2) responds to every one. Sui generis, as those ancient Romans used to say.
    *** You mean it just isn’t weird? I know when I’ve commented on people’s blogs before, a lot of the times I wanted a response, but I’m weird like that. But really, I wouldn’t want my entries rated because I just post what I want to post and don’t want them judged- I’m not a frustrated “writer” honing my craft. I think that’s obvious. Ha! ~Laura

  29. dick says:

    Yep, that’d do it.
    Nice job.
    *** Thank you. ~Laura

  30. fred garrison says:

    I bet that was the best thing anyone could have said to her to cheer her up.
    *** I thought so. ~Laura

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