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Dating a serial killer would be good if you were suicidal because not only could you easily find them on Craigslist, but they would make very supportive partners. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura


Serial Killer Cat


I would make a horrible serial killer. Seriously. I totally lack the drive and energy to be an effective serial killer. Sure there’s that whole “thou shall not kill” and “eternal damnation of your soul” and just being “wrong” thingy too I guess, but really, it’s the whole thought of having to plan and execute a serial kill that just makes me want to take a nap.


When I was a little kid I used to plan ways to kill my brothers. No shit. My brothers were mean little assholes. I’d watch tv to get ideas. I was watching Tarzan one day and I saw where they dug a pit and put sharp spears in the bottom, then covered it with brush then BOOM, some bad dude fell in it and didn’t come back back out. I took a serving spoon out of the kitchen drawer and started digging a hole out in the yard and placed some kabob sticks in the bottom. I covered it with grass trimmings then called my older brother out of the house. While standing on the other side of “The Pit of Death” I called him a poopie-headed booger muncher and challenged him to a fight. He walked over and clobbered me, then went back in the house while I stood there crying looking down at the shallow hole and toppled kabob sticks, vowing revenge that would never come. “The Pit of Death” didn’t work because I lacked the drive and energy to dig a deeper hole. Plain and simple.


Now let’s say I wasn’t physically lazy and I were a serial killer. I think my weapon of choice would be a knife. Big surprise, eh? Me of ‘The Stab List.’ But then I think what if I did decide to be a stabbing serial killer and I always stabbed people 25 times because I wanted the press and the police to call me “The 25 Killer” or some other cool serial killer nickname, but I accidentally stabbed someone in the same place twice, and so when they counted they only counted 24 stabs so I don’t get the credit, and then I would just look like an idiot. That would piss me off, and I don’t need that kind of hassle. Hassles are emotionally exhausting.


In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say that my laziness and total disregard to details has actually saved hundreds, nay, thousands of people. So I’m a fucking hero, ya’ll.

35 Comments
 

35 Responses to Dating a serial killer would be good if you were suicidal because not only could you easily find them on Craigslist, but they would make very supportive partners.

  1. Tink says:

    It absolutely amazes me, how your Brain works. Fascinating… just Fascinating. I love it!
    *** Thanks. I think. ~Laura

  2. Mr. Bingley says:

    A Hero? Would a “hero” force me to make this
    http://coalitionoftheswilling.net/?p=10055
    like you did, huh?
    Well, yes, in my book.
    *** HAHAH! I LOVE IT! That is a HERO Pie if ever I saw one! ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    LMAO! OMG I tried to kill my brothers too! But nothing so inventive LOL
    I am glad you are lazy. LOL!
    *** Thanks, but the natives on Tarzan invented “The Pit of Death” I just made a feeble half-ass replica. ~Laura

  4. Michelle says:

    Congratulations on being a Hero!
    *** Thanks! It’s like a born to be one. ~Laura

  5. Mary Beth says:

    Most little girls go play Barbie and hopscotch, you dig a “Pit of Death” and play war with dinosaurs. Too cool. lol
    *** I know, it’s a wonder I didn’t grow up to be a serial killer! HA! ~Laura

  6. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    We are all grateful for your laziness because I have no doubt without it, you’d make a great serial killer.
    *** That’s what I’m talkin’ bout. ~Laura

  7. Tara says:

    LMAO!! You are a hero!
    I really like that cat photo too.
    *** I got it off the Internetz. ~Laura

  8. Felicia says:

    They should have ticker tape parades for you!
    *** I know, right?! That would be awesome. People standing along the sidewalks, holding up signs that read “Thanks for not serial killing us Laura!” Me waving from the backseat of a convertible or maybe the top of a suspicious van with blacked-out windows. ~Laura

  9. Redmomma says:

    Your blog makes my day, and makes me glad you’re too lazy to kill. lol
    *** I am glad you enjoy it. ~Laura

  10. You could never be a serial killer. I mean, shit…Dexter, anyone?? That takes a shitload of work, and you have better things to do, right? So you hire out. I totally see you having henchmen for that sort of thing.
    *** Ooo or killer robots. ~Laura

  11. The Nickster says:

    I actually AM a serial killer and I appreciate your kind remarks regarding the dedication necessary for my line of work. I do piece work on the side so if you want to shop anything out, let me know.
    *** Ha! Hmmmm. I’ll have to start saving or take out a loan. My list is that long. ~Laura

  12. Nicole says:

    I love it when you discover that you have been doing something benevolent through dint of laziness. That’s up there with finding money in a coat pocket that you’d forgotten about.
    *** I know, right! But it also has stopped me from, say, discovering a cure for cancer or stupid, so there’s that. ~Laura

  13. Erik says:

    Good thing you have channeled your creativity into other outlets, besides serial killing.
    I used to think I would make a good contract killer, ala Charles Bronson in “The Mechanic”. But I never have been good with contracts, so that kind of undermines my effectiveness. I mean, its in the job description!
    btw, I sent you a YouTube link yesterday, maybe it got stuck in your spam filter. AMCs “Walking Dead” series looks VERY Cool.
    *** I bet it did get caught- I will fish it out BUT amazingly I saw it yesterday whilst I was searching for links and IT LOOKS AMAZING! ~Laura

  14. lifeshighway says:

    Serial Killers are your basic A-type personality. Always planning and being perfect and organized. I could never be one, I would be like the crazy cheerleader mom would-be killer in Texas. That was too lazy to do my own work and too psycho to know you can’t plot murder at a waffle house.
    *** HA! Exactly. I would way too concerned on what the hell kind of hash browns to order- scattered, smothered, covered. Hey, that sounds kind of serial killer-y. ~Laura

  15. garnet says:

    lol I love it. I would be too lazy too to be a serial killer. I would end up with one sloppy killing and then a lifetime in prison.
    *** There’s always that risk too. ~Laura

  16. Heather says:

    I like the way you think too. You are a hero!
    *** Thank you. I am just glad some of you are listening to me. It makes being a hero all worthwhile. ~Laura

  17. Jan says:

    ***”But it also has stopped me from, say, discovering a cure for cancer or stupid, so there’s that.”***
    Serial killing IS the cure for stupid!
    *** Hmm, why yes it is. Thinning the herd at least. ~Laura

  18. Hailey says:

    You deserve a medal.
    *** I really do. ~Laura

  19. Tater says:

    I want to be a ninja serial killer.
    *** You mean be a ninja and kill a bunch of people, or kill a bunch of ninjas? Cause I bet that second one would be really hard to do. ~Laura

  20. Janet Redmond says:

    You would make a hysterical serial killer.
    *** Umm…thanks? ~Laura

  21. rathead says:

    You arent alone in thinking about doing it. It would be my luck that I would do it and think that I would get away with it and the person that I stabbed played dead and then turn me in. That would suck.
    *** Damn those human possums playing dead and shit. ~Laura

  22. Pat says:

    Whew! I’m glad I’m safe all because you’re lazy!
    *** I know! I’m a hero, I saved your life! ~Laura

  23. Zombie Mom says:

    I *heart* serial killers. We used to play game called “serial killer” with polaroid cameras and all kinds of stuff to make our photos look like crime scene shots after the serial killer got us. I would totally be one of those partner serial killers so I could just plan the kills out but have other crazy Mo’fo’s get their hands dirty while I painted demented clown pictures.
    Since you are lazy I guess we cannot partner in crime.
    PS. I am always on the look out for serial killers when I run the lonely, isolated mountain trails by myself as I train for half marathons.
    Love- ZombieMom
    *** OMG you are in the serial killer mecca of the world!! California. Ooo know what would be cool? Be a serial killer of serial killers! I’ll partner for that. I’ll drink Red Bulls or take diet pills or something AND it will be an excellent reason to go to California! Woot!
    I loved staging homicide photos when I was a teen! Just like in Ginger Snaps- the movie, not the cookie, and if you haven’t seen Ginger Snaps ( the first not the second or third) you must see it! It’s about werewolves not serial killers though. But ya know, werewolves are just like serial killers except with more hair.
    Oh, and I would think that running from serial killers on those trails is very “motivating.” ~Laura

  24. Yabu (EOTIS) says:

    You are my hero…where do you live?
    *** No, where do YOU live? ~laura

  25. zombie mom says:

    Now you are talking ‘Dexter territory’ – my personal hero- serial killer of serial killers.
    Come on out- you and Jack can take over the attic and we can hunt serial killers and get the kids to take over painting pictures of demented clowns.
    I bet we could totally hunt down some serious serial killers up on my running trails. And I do have a serial killer tour I give to friends- did I mention I *heart* serial killers which I didn’t mention during the homestudy adoption process. Just sayin’
    ***YES! I watch Dexter! I like the documentaries on them almost as much as I like dinosaur documentaries too. Almost. ~Laura

  26. Greta says:

    I too am too lazy to be a serial killer too, though I’d gladly make a list for one if they wanted it.
    *** I am too lazy to even make a list- I’ll just point. ~Laura

  27. MorningGlory says:

    “Ooo know what would be cool? Be a serial killer of serial killers!”
    I read a book last year called “Serial”, by Jack Kilborn and Blake Crouch. It was about a serial killer who picked up hitchhikers to be victims, and a serial killer who killed the people who picked her up hitchhiking. Of course, they both wound up in the same car. Each author wrote the story of one character, and they traded chapters back-and-forth as they went along, but they never discussed the final outcome. They just let it take on it’s own life, writing each chapter to fit the chapter the other guy wrote before it. It was awesome. It would make a great movie.
    **** OH MAN, I gotta check that book out for sure. Thanks for letting me know! ~Laura

  28. dick says:

    It was an awful long way to get there, but yeah, I suppose you did save thousands of lives.
    Wait… Can you cook?
    *** Ha! Indeed I can. ~Laura

  29. cbullitt says:

    Kabob sticks, eh? I used pencils. I was hoping for lead poisoning if all else failed. Then someone told me it was graphite–and I strangled him with a sash cord.
    Still, it’s good to document your early experiments with Stick Science…save some budding deputy assistant a few steps.
    *** HA! Yes, I was a budding Stick Scientist. ~Laura

  30. Stephen J. says:

    I threw my brother out the window when we were little. We were on the first floor so it wasn’t that bad. My dad beat my ass though.
    *** HA! I bet he did. ~Laura

  31. I don’t see you as a serial killer, I see you more as a mass murderer.
    Speaking of Mass Murderer, Til Tuesday has this wicked set of knives on sale. They might come in handy.
    *** HA! Christmas is coming up. ~Laura

  32. Haha, how do we know you’re not really a serial killer making humor of the whole serial killing situation to throw the world off your scent?!
    *** You don’t : ) ~Laura

  33. CGHill says:

    Imagine, if you will, the Fibonacci Killer.
    First victim gets stabbed once.
    Second victim gets stabbed once.
    Third victim gets stabbed twice.
    Fourth victim gets stabbed three times.
    And so on, each victim’s stabbings being the sum of the previous two. The tenth victim will be perforated 55 times.
    I have no idea why I thought of that, unless I was thinking that it also had occurred to you.
    *** HAHA! Look at you, thinking serial killer thoughts! ~Laura

  34. mel says:

    Do you watch Dexter, Laura?
    *** I just got Showtime a month ago. Yes, I’ll be watching it! ~Laura

  35. mel says:

    Oh NO! Laura you can’t start Dexter in the new season. You HAVE TO START in season one. Seriously. Netflx?
    *** OK ok. ~Laura

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