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It’s Friday and a long weekend is coming up and here’s a list to read before you have to start packing up your whites and begin your binge drinking.***EDITED | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I usually do a Friday Random Crap List, but I don’t like being predictable and, seriously, I barely made it through this week what with my insomnia. But since I am partial to lists I thought I’d do one.


Things I Would Tell My Eighteen Year Old Self If I Could Time Travel And Tie Her To A Chair And Slap Her Around And Force Her To Listen Until She “Got It”


1. Spend more time with your family. You’ll miss them horribly one day.


2. Be a better friend. Stay in touch with them even when they get married and have kids and/or move away. Respect or at least tolerate their choices. You’ll miss them all almost as much as your family.


3. You’re not fat. Believe me. Shut the hell up about it and go to the lake in that bikini with your friends every chance you can. Stop critiquing yourself.


4. Take more photos, even of things you consider “boring.” You’ll want to remember it all.


5. Major in something which can actually get you somewhere in life AND that you enjoy. You CAN have both. You will want to be wealthy one day because money does make life easier. And for God’s sake SAVE MONEY and plan to retire early. Things don’t just “work out.”


6. Stop kissing all the boys telling yourself “it’s research.” This particularly includes gay guys. You’re ridiculous. The thought of your behavior will make you cringe one day.


7. Don’t waste any time caring what strangers think or say or getting sucked into any sort of stupid drama. And all drama is stupid. Walk away from it because IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER. Go hang with your family and friends and laugh instead.


8. I will pass you a list of which men you should sleep with and which men you shouldn’t and you must always adhere to it. Don’t ask any questions, just follow the list because if you don’t, one day you will cringe. Oh, and here are some numbers and a date. Go play the lottery, just in case you get bored with that career choice.


 


*** PLEASE NOTE- I DO NOT cringe because I kissed gay boys. I cringe because I kissed so many boys. And by kissed, I mean “made out.” And by “made out” I mean kiss with tongue all hot and heavy, not what “made out” means to so many today. (SEX) And I only cringe that I made out with gay boys because I bet I really grossed them out A LOT. Like night terror gross out. My apologies to all the gay boys/men in my life.

30 Comments
 

30 Responses to It’s Friday and a long weekend is coming up and here’s a list to read before you have to start packing up your whites and begin your binge drinking.***EDITED

  1. alison says:

    That was brilliant I loved it all! x
    *** Ahh, but there’s so much more I could add… ~Laura

  2. September says:

    WOW! Great advice.. from a great gal. I hope you have a great holiday weekend. and that you do someting wonderful. you deserve it.
    *** Hopefully sleep. ~Laura

  3. Jennifer says:

    Oh man, don’t you wish you really could go back and change things?!
    *** Indeed I do. ~Laura

  4. Michelle says:

    Well said ma’am. Now go get some sleep. Have a great and long weekend.
    *** You too! ~Laura

  5. Mary Beth says:

    Amen, Sistah.

  6. Mr. Bingley says:

    Are you available to consult with my 17 yr old daughter?
    *** OH MY God I so would, but we all know teenagers think they know everything. ~Laura

  7. Yabu (EOTIS) says:

    Very well said. It’s also great if your job is your hobby.
    Have a good weekend.
    *** Oh man, just to enjoy what you do and it not turn into donkey balls would be so excellent. You have a great weekend too! ~Laura

  8. Stacy says:

    I kissed ALL the boys when I was younger too!
    *** I was a kissing whore. ~Laura

  9. My daughter will read this. Oh yes, she will. And she will fucking MEMORIZE IT!! I hope this post helps to make you feel a bit better about George Clooney. He’s feeling bad about his failure to make an impact on Darfur.
    *** He can come make an impact on me. Over and over and over. ~Laura

  10. Excellent advice for deaf ears, unfortunately.
    I did tell a younger co-worker yesterday to quit nagging herself. I told her to enjoy her youth and beauty, to love it, flaunt it, respect it and get over her stupid and WRONG view of herself.
    “You’re young and gorgeous. You won’t always be. Enjoy it to the edges.”
    *** Excellent advice. I wish I could take back every second I worried I didn’t look right or fit in. OMG I should have NEVER have worried about fiting in. ~Laura

  11. Curtal Friar says:

    Hmm….one thing I’d tell my younger self:
    “Don’t let Joe plan your bachelor party, or you’re gonna have nightmares about midgets for a long time, dude.”
    *** Dude, that sounds like you could have saved a lot of money on therapy if you could have changed that event. ~Laura

  12. Joe the Blog Stalker says:

    Great list. Have a greater weekend!
    *** Thanks, you too! ~Laura

  13. Erik says:

    I would add this one to my list:
    You are not right all of the time – get over it.
    Have a good weekend Laura! Looks like Earl is gonna miss ya ll!
    *** YES, Earl missed us, but brought us 100 degree weather from Africa! Uggh! You have a great weekend! ~Laura

  14. zombie mom says:

    Love your list… I would also add
    #you are actually not that entertaining when you drink and it leads you to kissing gay boys…
    For awhile my lips were like the portal the Harvey Milk kingdom.
    *** HA! YES! Gay boys were so FABULOUS to kiss. Poor guys. ~Laura

  15. garnet says:

    I do really like your list. OMG, if we only knew then what we know now…
    *** Exactly. ~Laura

  16. MorningGlory says:

    Good list, Laura; it’s almost like you followed me around when I was 18.
    Have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend, and I hope you get some sleep!
    *** Thanks, you too!!

  17. Trisha says:

    Oh if we could only go back! Have agreat holiday weekend!
    *** You too! ~Laura

  18. SB Smith says:

    Awesome idea. If only it were possible, because when I was 18…possibly the one person I would have taken Most seriously would have been MYSELF at an older age.
    *** I know right? I’d be all “LOOK AT ME NOW! YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE THIS? YOU WILL!” Ha! ~Laura

  19. Jan says:

    I am not even going to get into a list for my younger self, it would be too damn depressing.
    I am planning on going to the fair TWICE this weekend. My mom wants to come over on Sunday and go, BUT(!) on Saturday afternoon there is the “dairy goat hand milking contest” and NO WAY can I miss that! I just hope I won’t get rained on too much. It’s clear today, but they’re predicting showers for tomorrow afternoon.
    **** GOAT PICTURES!!! YAY!!! ~ Laura

  20. Jeffro says:

    I never got to kiss a bunch of gay girls. Perhaps one for the bucket list?
    *** I don’t know about that dude. Sounds kind of dangerous. Every girl knows where to kick/knee. ~Laura

  21. rathead says:

    I really like the list. I need to take heed on the taking more pics.. Thanks.
    *** You’re welcome. ~Laura

  22. Nicole says:

    A most excellent list. Now go sleep. :)
    *** HA! I don’t think my boss would like that much. ~Laura

  23. Heather says:

    I would add “Use sunscreen” too.
    *** Oh God yes. ~Laura

  24. CGHill says:

    “All drama is stupid.”
    Wisdom indeed. :)
    *** I like educating as you well know. ~Laura

  25. Kim says:

    Just a perfect list, really. I’d add, don’t forget your hobbies/talents/interests you had when you were five or ten. Keep them up, they’re fun.
    Looking back at some pics of my younger self I see you are SO RIGHT about how miserably stupid we are about ourselves.
    I hope you have a peaceful, sleep-ridden, laugh riot Labor Day!
    *** Thank you! I hope you have a great one too.~Laura

  26. Teresa says:

    I love the list. Few things would have applied to me, but I know it applies to most teens. Maybe this is why teenagers baffle me.
    - No one wanted to date me in High School so I’m off the hook for the kissing thing. To this day I am still amazed that my husband actually wanted to go out with me. (I met him in college… I wasn’t dating anyone) LOL.
    - The family stuff… not so much in my case. We weren’t/aren’t a close family and my husband purposely took a job 300 miles from home so we could get farther away from them (this was a good thing).
    - And last but not least – I had my kids when I was way young. All my “friends” became “Christmas Card friends” as that’s the only time I’d hear from them.
    Yes, I have had a very screwed up life indeed. Heh.
    *** I think everyone had a screwed up life in their own way. Know what I mean? And you must have lived around a lot of stupid guys. Their loss. Your husband’s gain. ~Laura

  27. dick says:

    Glad I’m just a horny old guy who’s still breathing, somewhat.
    *** That’s all that counts I reckon. ~ Laura

  28. September says:

    I was a lip whore when I was young, and a body whore, oh hell I was whore but it taught me soooooo much, and now I’m not so there’s that. and I made it out of the 60 with no disease, soooo there’s that. And my family is pretty close (sometimes to0 close) Sooo there’s that. So Miss Laura, peaceful sleep to you this holiday weekend. and a hug for the “J” man!
    *** Ha! As long as you had fun and made it out alive- that’s what counts! ~Laura

  29. mel says:

    Oh man Laura! SOOOO many times I wished I could go back and tell give my 18 year old self that same list. Except the making out with gay guys part. I didn’t do that. Ok well I did kiss a gay guy once. Then we both looked at each other and shuddered and promised to never ever do that again.
    *** HAHA! ~Laura

  30. Sharon M. says:

    I would just give myslef lottery numbers!
    *** That is a good start. ~Laura

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