Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
So I was sitting at my desk yesterday wondering if Eric was going to live on True Blood working and I heard my co-worker next door girly scream. I asked what was up and she yelled “A SPIDER!” and I heard things getting flung around and more girly screaming. Being the quick thinker that I am, I grabbed my stick. I bet you’re wondering what stick, aren’t you? Well, one of my other co-workers reads this blog (Hi! I promise those cupcakes I brought in didn’t really have ground glass sprinkles on them and I promise if someone in a black trench coat comes in shooting I won’t point you out as a potential target from under my desk!) and she brought me a South Carolina Stick for scientifical stick science purposes and I kept it at my desk.
So my co-worker was screaming and I grabbed my stick and I went over to her. She pointed towards a little spot and yelled “SPIDER! KILL IT!” all hysterical like. I looked down and saw a wee little spider, like the Gary Coleman of spiders, nothing like the Satan spiders at my house. She was still girly screaming and I started to laugh. Then she started to cry, honest to God cry, and was all “I HATE SPIDERS! BOOHOO!” I said “It’s cool, I’ll kill it” but it was in a weird location where I really couldn’t step on it so I took my stick and went to apply stick science and flick it on the floor and then my stick broke and I screamed “OH MY GOD! MY STICK BROKE!” all dramatical and she let out another girly scream and then I let out a girly scream (I love getting caught up in drama, ya’ll) and she started crying more and was begging me to kill it. I looked down and the spider had moved and I couldn’t find it. I dramatically yelled “OH MY GOD IT GOT AWAY!” and she screamed a scream at an even higher octave. Then I saw it and I flicked it again with one of the halves of my stick and it jumped! So I yelled “OH MY GOD IT’S A JUMPING SPIDER!” (like jumping made them ninjas) and she ran out the door, knocking over files and papers, and ran down the hall doing that insect heebie jeebie dance. Then I saw it on the floor and I applied shoe science to it.
After it was all over, people came over and started asking what all the commotion was. We announced it was the deadliest of spider species and that we barely escaped with our lives. “Just look at my stick! LOOK AT IT!” I exclaimed and held up the two pieces.
They looked at each other, then looked at us, rolled their eyes all smirky-like then turned and went back to their desks.
I mentally painted a bullseye on all of them. Those bitches are definitely getting pointed out.
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38 Responses to This story is not only true but it’s full of suspense, drama, and spiders. I can’t believe how many damn spider stories I have. It’s like I live in the land of spiders, oh, and shitty sticks and assassins.
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LMAO! I can’t believe they smirked at your stick science malfunction! BITCHES!!
*** I KNOW! Bunch O’Bitches. ~Laura
“the Gary Coleman of spiders” I’m going to use that when my wife screams about a big spider being in the house.
*** It’s yours. ~Laura
It is a bad season for spiders.
*** Sho ’nuff is. ~Laura
Oh I love a good session of girly screaming. I mourn your stick. I fear for the office bitches.
*** HA! Yes, it’s exhilarating to girly scream with someone! It really is. Uh, huh- they’ll get theirs.~Laura
That is the bad thing about stick science, the expensive equipment gets all broken and everything. I will put in a purchase order to make sure your equipment gets replaced. As for those “BITCHES”…. Well all I can say is if you hear a girly scream coming from that side of the room, DO NOT take your stick science over there. Just let em scream. Sit back and enjoy the show!!! In fact, I would even consider planting a spider over there. even a rubber one would be fun.
*** I will watch the show from under my desk. HA! ~Laura
Oh I would point them bitches out too ” THEM! GET THEM!” Like that.
*** Exactly like that. ~Laura
you need to use “The Rule of Thumb” when it comes to selecting sticks. Note: do not use your bad thumb since it is all F’d up.
*** OMG THIS stick was just like my fucked up thumb wasn’t it?! Damn. ~Laura
I try to apply Monkey science to all things that need sciencing, but most times Monkey is very like J and ignores my cries for help and margaritas.
*** Monkey is a freedom hater too I see. ~Laura
Reading about your Stick Science, I decided to invest in a stick made of metal, with a rubber tip at the end, and a handle at the top. SOme guy called it a “walking cane”, but I corrected him, telling him it was a Science Stick. He looked at me funny.
And the spiders, well, I think you should do what “September” suggested. And post video
*** I think I just may. ~Laura
GAH! Meant “Walking”!!
*** Corrected. ~Laura
I had a similar stick malfunction, so I upgraded to a new and improved model. The Juju model 3000-Z. The only way you can break this puppy is with a axe, a saw, or a bomb. I sent a message to Harry Potter asking if he could make it fly. I’ll keep you in the loop.
*** Yes, please do. I’d love a flying stick. ~Laura
Hate spiders. Always have.
But now that I am a daddy, and my daughter doesn’t like spiders either, I have had to man up and grow a pair. One of my main jobs is to dispatch(with extreme prejudice, mind you) those eight legged freaks that make it into her room. The ones that piss me off are the ones on the ceiling, and our ceiling is still “popcorned”, so the little buggers can kind of scrutch themselves down and avoid my deathstick, usually the towel rod. Sometimes, I only stun them enough to have them fall on my daughters bed, where they sometimes get lost amongst the cornucopia(sp?) of stuffed animals. That means I have to take each….frickin….animal…off her bed and check it.
*** HA! Sounds like you need a bigger/ longer ceiling-science stick. And that’s being a very good dad. ~Laura
Those South Carolina sticks are just plain inferior.
*** I KNOW! I barely flicked at the thing when it snapped! ~Laura
I’ve come to the conclusion that you are more than a little insane and that the insect world is out to get you. Enjoy the hurricane! Bye!
*** You’re just figuring that out? And the hurricane isn’t hitting us, so there! Bye!~Laura
Hey, you just doubled the number of sticks you have at the office! Now you can weild them like nunchakus and apply double stick science spidercide.
*** You’d make a good stick scientist. ~Laura
OMG!!!! too funny. I cant believe I finally made the BLOG!!!! I am a star. I hate spiders, actually I am petrified of them. I really wanted to vomit when I saw it. Come to think of it that is probably why I didnt sleep last night. THEY ARE EVIL!!!!!
*** That one was so tiny. I would hate to see you with a bigger one. ~Laura
I screamed at a spider a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn’t a girly scream, it was a full throated “OMG IT’S A FUCKING TARANTULA!” kind of scream. Well if tarantulas were only an inch and a half across anyway. It was past dark and I had forgotten something in the kitchen, so I went down (barefooted, no less!) and flipped the light on as I came into the room and the bastard was in the middle of the floor and moving straight at me at cheetah-like speed. I screamed. Oh, yes I did. No shoes, no sticks; I had to apply rolled-up-catalog science over and over again, screaming “die fucker, die!” with every whack. I’m still traumatized. I used to be able to rely on my cat, but he’s blind now, so he doesn’t go after spiders any more.
*** I had a cat that would hunt them, but then bring their folded up bodies to me! I did right by her though and rewarded her with a pet. Whenever any insect moves towards me, I run. It’s just not natural for a bug to come at ya. ~Laura
I hate spiders. I really do.
*** Little ones don’t bother too much. I don’t want them on me, but I don’t freak. Any excessively largs insect scare me. `Laura
You should have jabbed the rolly eyed bitches with your sticks.
*** I really should have. ~Laura
I can’t stand spiders and I would have been screaming too.
*** You need a stick. ~Laura
If a trenchcoat dude barges into your workplace and starts shooting the place up, you don’t want to yell “them” and point at other people, that just makes you a target of opportunity.
Instead, keep a few extra strong rubber bands and a supply of paper clips. You bend the paper clip in half, put it on the rubber band, and shoot the clip at the ass end of a co-worker who is huddling behind another desk. She will jump up and yell, while clutching her ass, and thus become a prime target for the guy in the trenchcoat. If you stay down and stay quiet, you could conceivably wipe out half or more of your department that way. When the trencher stops to reload, you use another paper clip right into his eyeball, which will make him drop the gun and grab his head in pain, and then you can get the gun and subdue the dude. You will be the hero of the hour and your most irritating coworkers will be gone.
Win/win.
*** YOU RULE! You should hold a class on “Co-worker Herd Thinning.” Tour the country. I will be your manager. ~Laura
Before I give you a super Science weapon tip I’ll tell you about the time I was on the deck at night, barefoot, and I thought I’d brushed up against a toad by the chair but it was a mom spider CARRYING HER HUNDREDS OF BABIES ON HER BACK THAT FUCKING SCATTERED WHEN I BRUSHED UP AGAINST THEM.
I had an out of body experience that night.
Here’s what you can do if your faulty sticks or shoes don’t work. Spray the crap, I mean, REALLY THE CRAP, out of them with windex or anything you have that sprays crap. Scrubbing Bubbles are good. Or hairspray. They sort of stiffen up and drown unless they’re really extremely evil spiders.
You’re welcome.
*** Thank you. Most spiders around my house are pure satanic ones with special powers. At least I think they do. Okay, I made that up. Mostly I don’t have spray stuff around, except that can cheese and they can’t have my can cheese. ~Laura
I am working on de-programming the girl scream- I swear to God its totally nature not nuture. My kids now say “Hey, Its a s-bidey- kill, mama, kill” They – you know, them- are going to kick me out of California soon.
And we totally play “live or die” in these parts for pure fun!
*** I think our prehistoric ancestors were chased by giant spiders and the fear is in our DNA. ~Laura
I was standing by my husband the other night & saw something move on his shoulder. I smacked him & screamed & it jumped! He jumped about six feet sideways yelling “what!” I scream “spider! get it, get it!” He finally found it on the floor, after much looking & squashed it. I think he’s blind, but he claims it was microscopic. Then, after his hop/scream he claims i’m the wussy. If only I had video.
**** YES! Did he do the girly scream and the insect heebie jeebie dance? ~Laura
I make my husband kill the spiders.
*** I would too if I had one. ~Laura
“Just look at my stick! LOOK AT IT!”
That is why you are the master and I am just a deputy assistant. The quick application of BROKEN stick science.
Brilliant. I will be contacting the Nobel committee immediately.
*** OH yes, please do. I am not a modest Stick Scientist by any stretch of the imagination. ~Laura
My husband girly screams when he sees a spider!
*** They are probably the big ones. ~Laura
I’m sorry your South Carolina stick broke. Would you like me to send you a North Carolina stick? I have a plethora of them in my yard. I’ll probably have even more after Earl makes his visit later tonight.
I also hate spiders, and always had my daughter dispatch them for me. Now that she’s moved to Texas, her husband has her dispatch them. He screams like a girl when he sees a spider.
Did you hear about the time she found the scorpion in her house? She screamed like a girl that day. All the way from Texas.
*** Scorpions would freak me out so badly I think I’d girly scream all the way out ofthe house. ~Laura
Laura, you really were stirring the shit around in that pot, weren’t you?
*** With a stick. ~Laura
Haha. The Gary Coleman of spiders. Reminds me of an email I just saw entitled “Gary Coleman’s Coffin”. It was a picture of a coleman cooler.
*** Ha! Yes, I saw that and I totally loled. ~Laura
You crack me the fuck up! I’m afeared imma gonna break!
*** OH NOES! ~Laura
Okay, your story made me LOL for real. Kim’s story made me shudder.
My last spider encounter occurred while I was…ahem… otherwise occupied… Lil bastard was running down a pvc pipe towards me. About an inch size. And I couldn’t get up and move. So I sprayed him with the closest thing to hand – Spray n Wash. It at least stopped the advance until I was able to get up and apply shoe science.
*** Spiders are just feraless. ~Laura
Midget ninja spiders? Dayum, I bet that wimp Peter Parker just *wishes* he got bitten by one of those.
*** I bet so too. ~Laura
That term “shoe science” cracks me up.
Reminds me of somebody’s (I forget who’s) definition of “life”: “anything that dies when you stomp it.”
*** There’s all kind of science out there. ~Laura
You’re incorrigible!
Don’t change.
*** Never. ~Laura
It’s a good thing you didn’t need that stick to “ward off a mugger” like the little note says, cuz you would have been in a world of hurt. !!!! Who ever gave you that stick didn’t like you very much did they?
Man…I hate Spiders. I don’t care how big or how little, they move faster than me and I don’t like them. They were put on this earth strictly as a food source.. other than that they serve no purpose. None!
*** They eat lots of bad stuff. Skeeters, roaches. So they aren’t that bad. The big ones just look too badass for me. (look at me go all Discovery Channel on you.) ~Laura
Hey, with the 2 science sticks, you can now point out the ninja spiders to larger, non-girly-screaming shoe-science holders in the office, and keep the want-to-cling-to-your-neck-for-fear-of-ninja-jumping-spiders office wussies away from you at the same time!
Love the shoe science, btw, much sturdier than stick science, usually don’t break on impact, has a broader reach (cause it can be thrown from a distance and covers more space for squishing), and with the stilettos, you get a pointy piercing end, too!
*** Ooo and the pointy toe ones you can get the spiders in the corners. ~Laura
I read this to my wife over bagels and coffee this morning and she was paralyzed with laughter. Nice piece of writing.
*** Thank you. I am glad ya’ll liked it. ~Laura