Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I know everyone is still recovering from my absence here for a few days last week. Simmer down. I’m back now, and I have everything under control. Everything that is except my stabbiness. Here’s this past week’s list of things/people I’ve wanted to plunge a knife into:
1. South Carolina Electric and Gas. We had one week last month that was “cold.” My power bill was triple what it usually is this time of year. Triple. That’s insane and deserves stabbing until the blade breaks or my arm gets tired, whichever comes first.
2. The sonofabitches that ripped the door off of my mailbox. You worthless, good for nothing bastards. What the hell did my mailbox door do to you? I know what I want to do with it now. I want to shove it up your asses and then stab you. I will say though, it now completes the look of my abandoned, overgrown lot looking yard; sort of the pièce de résistance. You still need to be stabbed, you destructive, arsty, avant-garde motherfuckers.
3. A-list mommy bloggers. What the hell? You know, even if I liked kids, most of these A-listers are boring as hell. Like SUPER BORING. I read a lot of blogs by talented people and some of these writers have kids and write about them. They are all by far superior to these so called A-list mommy blogs. And what makes them A-listers? The revenue from their blogs? The hits their sites get? I just don’t get it, and things I don’t get I generally want to stab.
4. Speaking about blogging, I want to stab witty commenters who don’t have a blog. What’s that about? You’re just letting the boring “A-listers” win!
5. The asshole in the Mini Cooper who was riding my ass on my drive home today. Dude, you don’t even know how close you came to me slamming on my brakes, allowing you to rear-end me and then stabbing you through the window of your widdle crushed car while we waited for the rescue squad to run to Kmart for a can opener to pull you out.
6. Kraft Foods for their hostile takeover of the British candy maker Cadbury PLC. I wouldn’t have thought much about this except I signed on to Twitter and my friend in England, Alison, was angrily tweeting about it and got me so swept up in her rage that I threw out a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese I had in my cabinet. I have sworn off of the stuff for good as a show of solidarity with my British friend. Good-bye gooey, orange powder of unnatural goodness.
Share with your friends...
16 Responses to I’ve thought about seeing someone about my anger issues but I know I will just end up wanting to stab them and my Stab Lists are long enough as it is
Leave a Reply
Friend me on Facebook!
Follow me on Pinterest!
Excellent list, as always. I’m very stabby tonight so I just came here to revel in your list, which is safer than me writing a blog post when I’m this stabby. Fuck you Kraft! And Mister Mini-Cooper fuck can go fuck himself too. And all the shitty “A-list” shits can cram it. You’re right: there are commenters here and at my hellhole who are WAY wittier and funnier writers and they just don’t have blogs. Is February still going to be the month we do something weird re: a-list stuff? I hope so. I will crank on their uppity boring asses.
Namaste,
Dogette
Dogette- Yes. February’s theme will be A-list something or other. We will brainstorm it in email. I am all for themes. Especially if they pertain to giving an elitist group hell.
I HATE SCE&G!! I want to watch you stab them, then I want to stab them some when you’re tired!!
I tried reading some of those A-list mommy blogs. So incredibly BORING. They may have some good photography or recipe but mostly they just whine about being home all day and how hard it is to have kids. Boohoo. I’d rather read stab lists and about neighbors with bright ass security lights. lol
Another outstanding list. They are all very stab worthy. Especially A-listers. And the Electric Company.
YES! Give the A-listers hell! I can’t wait!
All I have to say is that if anything – ANYTHING – changes about Cadbury Mini
Eggs when Easter rolls around this year, there are going to be some broken knee caps around the Kraft headquarters.
I’m with Kate on the mini egg thing – those are my Easter addiction.
My 12 year old gave me his stab list last night – I laughed.
I agree with Kate, My mini eggs better be the exact same, or someone is going to pay.
Also A list mommy bloggers really do stink. I just don’t get it.
I am a D list mommy blogger so much more loveable!
My electric bill jumped last month, too but it only doubled not tripled. We’ve had our share of cold weather up here in God’s country and it reminds me of a favorite poem:
It’s winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 25 below!
Oh, how I love Minnesota
When the snow’s up to your butt,
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I’ll hang around.
I could never leave Minnesota,
‘Cause I’m frozen to the ground.
Love the stab lists!!
***Thanks Sherr!. I have been to Minnesota and although it’s beyond cold there, I found it beautiful. Loved Minneapolis/St.Paul where I spent most of my time. Gorgeous city. ~Laura
The last thing I remember about SCE&G is that they used to run the buses in Charleston.
I guess I was too young to be stabby back then.
*** The state took the buses over a few years ago, so of course now they’re barely running. lol ~Laura
YesssSSSSS! Stab Kraft. Stab stab STAAAAB. And everyone on your list especially the shithead mailbox ripper-offers. WTF. I’d go nuts. Cadbury Fruit & Nuts. STAB.
Man… the one culinary delight and surprise when I was in England was Cadbury hot chocolate mixes. Can I just say *drool*? We ran out after housekeeping brought even _more_ up, so we practically bought out the convenient store down the street.
That mix better not change… stabbyness will ensue.
Oh yes, please send me crap! You still have crap, yes?
*** Yes- This weekend Jack will “choose” one last winner of crap. ~ Laura
I can’t wait to give the elitist group hell. I don’t care how we do it, or even if it’s funny. It just needs to be done. I feel stabby, still. I’m going to watch that movie, “Orphan” soon. I bet I will feel stabbier after that. If that’s even possible.
I’m saddened to learn that this is the last week of crap, even though I didn’t enter to win your crap, I was cheering wildly from the sidelines. I yelled, “Go! Go! GO PEOPLE! WIN LAURA’S CRAP!”
It gave me a sense of purpose in life.
OMG I almost forgot that it is coming up on mini egg time. My very favorite time of year. I remember one year, my local Walgreens carried them at Xmas time too. That was a good year!
Oh yeah, I got carried away about the mini eggs and forgot to say that I would still like your cool crap.
That was a very stabby stab list! You are in top form, Laura.
I would still love some cool crap!