Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Ugh. I have rabies AGAIN. This time it’s Asian Rabies. I ate too much Chinese food for lunch and now I don’t feel too good. But look at me. Yes, LOOK AT ME. I’m here blogging for Attention Whore Month. I’m dying from Asian Rabies and still I crave attention. Oh, and look at this. The Chinese are fucking with me still.
I’m ALL these things. In bed too. It’s like they mock me. Now I have their rabies. Damn you, China.
I heard again today that George Clooney may be getting married to that WHORE. I don’t even know what to think. I hope it’s just a rumor. It really upsets me. So much so that I wrote a little poem. Yes, I write poetry when I’m all lovelorn and melancholy.
Oh George Clooney don’t you marry that WHORE
She’s skanky and nasty and VD ridden I’m sure
She won’t make you happy like I would every day
Please give me a chance, please take me away
OR I’LL FUCKING STAB HER
Speaking of my Boo, George, he is having his big ole’ Haiti charity hoopla telethon this Friday, so everyone should tune in. Also, this telethon he’s hosting gave me a brilliant idea. I need to make a HUGE donation so I can draw his ATTENTION to ME. I doubt that I can make a personal donation that could impress George Clooney. My only hope is to be a fund raising bundler. So I want you all to click this button and make a donation. I’ll gather it together and donate it in MY name and since I am certain ALL of you will give till it hurts, the donation will be SO LARGE that I can request sexual favors a DATE with him. A DATE. PEOPLE! Sure, it would be kind of like a pity date, but goddamn, A DATE! I could distract him from that WHORE long enough so that he would fall madly in love with me! So click the button. DO IT. DO IT NOW AND HELP ME WIN A DATE WITH GEORGE CLOONEY!! HELP HIM LOVE ME! Oh, and help Haiti. DO IT! CLICK IT!!
Ha! The button actually links to The Salvation Army Earthquake Relief for Haiti. Yes, I was very DECEPTIVE there wasn’t I? IN YOUR FACE, CHINA!
P.S. The Salvation Army is not one of the charities receiving proceeds from the telethon, but it’s one of the only human charities I trust.
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16 Responses to A symptom of rabies is using a lot of CAPS because CAPS is like foaming at the mouth on the Internet
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hahaha asian rabies.. you mean the bird flu, sars and whatever other lovely diseases came from there??? lol
I LOVE your fortune, it totally describes you and i don’t even know you.
yay kill the whore and save the haitians!
90% of poetry would be better by adding “OR I’LL FUCKING STAB _____” to the end. Just like adding “in bed” to fortunes.
“You are never bitter, deceptive or petty” IN BED. The rest of the time… I’m thinking maybe a _little_.
***Hey, I said I was all those things EVERYWHERE. ~ Laura
LMAO! I’ve always loved your poetry. I hope you’re over your rabies soon and you get that date with George!
I heard Asian Rabies is the worse of all the rabies. Get well soon.
You should have been a poet. Or a serial killer.
I hope you win your date and stab the WHORE. Two birds, one knife sort of thing.
Chinese food is absolutely numbing. Good Chinese food. you dont realize you have eaten to much until it is to late. Kinda like Cincinnati chili.(last nite…again… Im glad that’s gone) Ya know, the Literary Guild has a poetry contest ever year where you can win $10,000.00 and your Poem is put into a coffee table book with other talented artist. You should give it a whirl. I just bet you would do very well. WCC!
Yes, that poem is one for the books indeed. . .
I want your cool crap by the by . . .
HA! HA! If George only knew how you felt about him!
May I please have some cool crap? Want some, I do.
George wouldn’t want you because you’re not a skanky whore, just an attention whore. His loss I always say.
I hope your rabies is better.
cool crap lets get that out of the way.
I liked the trick clicked now if we can get George to see what you would do for a date with him.
Girl, you are soooo funny. I wish that George really knew how you felt about him. Go ahead and take him away from that other female. I dare you!!!
Laura?… LAAAAAAURRRRRRAA!
Where are you LLLAAAAUUURRAAAA? are you ok?
**Simmah down. I’m around. ~Laura
“In your face, China!”
Does this mean we can expect to see China on a future Stab List?
*** It’s never left it actually.~Laura
I know, you are getting everything ready for tonight’s appearance of the love of your life. Tap tap tap, hey – Clooney, you in there? Drop the whore, I gotcher real woman right down here in SC!
still want the crapa coola
I know the reason you are not blogging is because George is now on 168 of my 175 channels that I get… he is a cutie so I understand….