Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
Things I Should Stop Doing In 2010
1. Stop wanting to stab everyone I meet. I should probably get on strong tranquilizers or hallucinogens so I can bear to be around other human beings.
2. Stop cussing J out and putting him on said Stab List and hanging up on him and telling him I would drop his ass in a skinny minute for George Clooney. I should really appreciate him more.
3. Stop obsessing about George Clooney and calling his women WHORES. I need to live in the real world more- see above.
4. Stop gloating about having an iPhone to anyone who will listen. There’s people in Mongolia who don’t even have a smart phone.
5. Stop dressing my dog up and laughing at him while I photograph him. He has feelings. No intelligence, but feelings.
6. Stop accusing Steve Jobs of being a thief. I drink when I surf iTunes so my math may be off.
7. Stop calling my neighbor “Crazy Betty” and show her some compassion. Perhaps even bake her some cookies one day. Maybe slip in a few of those tranquilizers.
8. Stop thinking constantly of ways I could fake my own death and get away with it. I should really try to solve my problems under THIS identity.
9. Stop editing my blog after I publish it. I am not even kidding. You can read it then hit refresh and it will be different.
10. Stop cursing and taking the Lord’s name in vain so much, and pasting a T-Rex as God all over my blog. I should remember my religious upbringing and actually fear going to Hell.
11. Stop drinking when I’m alone and calling my ex’s and telling them I was pregnant when we broke up and secretly had their baby and that they owe me back child support but that I’ll take it in one lump sum and never bother them again.
12. Stop borrowing my friend’s kids when I arrange to meet these ex’s to pick up the check.
Things I Will Stop Doing In 2010
1.
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11 Responses to Everyone does a New Year’s Resolutions list and most start out with losing weight and exercising more, but that’s just the beer and Cheetos mixing with the fat cells talking and I’ve learned to ignore THAT voice
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I’m still keeping the last resolution I made: to stop making dumb-ass resolutions.
Yay me!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Except for number 2. Im all for #2.
An inspiring lists. Trust me, I know lists, and this was an inspiring one. My entire life, I’ve never even considered making these New Year’s resolutions. Ever. What the fuck is wrong with me? I suppose I could resolve to find out. So it will be a short list, “In 2010, I SHOULD resolve to try to find out what the fuck is wrong with me.” Short list, I said, not a short answer.
LMAO!! Do not stop these things EVER! The baby daddy stuff had me rolling. Happy New Year!!!!
Again, don’t ever stop doing these things, except number 2.
(J- send that check to my work address.)
Wait, so that wasn’t my kid? I should have known since he was ASIAN and we’d been broken up for six years and he looked about four. But you told me something about him just being retarded and how he was small for his age. Sonofabitch.
Okay. You had me worried there for a few minutes. Happy New Year, Laura.
And you don’t need to stop #2.
(Sorry J, your check bounced.)
*gigglefits*
Just keep doing what you are doing. I live vicariously thru your stab lists. Have a happy new year and thanks for the laughs.
ROTF – I so needed this laugh. Booze and itunes- man, lethal combo! It does explain some very weird playlists though…
What if Steve Jobs IS god??