Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
It was brought to my attention that I failed to put a Stab List up this week. This may be a shorter list than usual because I was in a Nyquil-induced coma for a large portion of the week, but it doesn’t mean I want to stab these people/things less.
1. The asshole douchebag who came to work sick and hacked and coughed without covering their mouth. You are a fucking disgusting bio-hazard who infected half of an office. You deserve to be stabbed repeatedly, cut into pieces and removed by a medical waste company in several orange bio-hazard bags.
2. Daytime network television producers/writers/creators. What the hell? Is everyone who stays at home and watches tv supposed to have the IQ of an idiot? Thank God for the Law and Order marathon on TBS.
3. Makers of cough syrup. C’mon, your products taste like liquid shit in a bottle AND they don’t work. You know how desperate a person can get to stop a cough long enough just to get some sleep, and you promise shit you can’t deliver on your packaging. You are liars and you all deserve to be stabbed.
4. Pharmacists. They see you are sick as hell, that all you want to do is go home and NOT be an asshole bio-hazard who hacks in public, yet they take FOREVER counting out 30 pills and sticking a label on it. They have all 3 of their assistants doing some kind of inventory while they get on the phone to give some jerk who calls in free medical advice. Seriously, there is something very wrong with that situation.
5. All of the whores who are ratting on doing Tiger Woods. This makes you special? I just wish when shit like this happens that they wouldn’t get compensated for “their story.” But they will. Handsomely I’m sure. This is the kind of stuff that makes me get all stabby. People rewarded for bad behavior. And ya know, I’m not even talking about screwing the guy, I’m talking about spilling your guts after. At least be a whore with some class. Shut the fuck up.
6. People at work who turn the thermostats up to 85 degrees and it’s not even winter outside! Yes, the battle of the thermostats in the office has begun with the fucking reptile people. Wear a sweater you inconsiderate sonsofabitches. Sometimes I sit at my desk, sweating, mentally picturing stabbing you all. And I’m smiling. Sometimes laughing. Manically.
P.S. Please note that I did complete a full Stab List AND managed to curse more in one entry than ever before! Sometimes I amaze myself. Not about the cursing, or that I want to stab all these people and things, but that I haven’t.
P.S.S. Oh. Hell. No. A reader, jw, send me THIS. This skank needs to be shanked. PRONTO.
Share with your friends...
12 Responses to You would think that being couch-ridden and sick would make me less stabby, but you would be so very, very wrong
Leave a Reply
Friend me on Facebook!
Follow me on Pinterest!
OK, I have a serious question. We know that someone at work was responsible for coming into work very sick when they should have stayed home — Inconsiderate Mistake number 1. Then we know this person coughed and sneezed without covering up — compounding Inconsiderate Mistake number 1 to form Inconsiderate Mistake number 2.
What I’m still not clear on: Did no one in the office speak up and tell this jerk to go home? Did no one drop subtle hints to the jerk about covering the nose & mouth for all those coughs and sneezes? I would have done way more than dropped a hint. I would have flat-out told the person they were disgusting. I’m serious. I don’t care anymore. If they’re that rude you just have to be overt and rude and direct right back at ‘em. OK then, sorry for the non-light not- funny comment but people like that are not just stabworthy, they need to be publicly called out on their shit. I’m going to start a site where you send in pics of people who are sick in public and we make fun of them. Like “People of Walmart,” only for assholes spreading their sick shit in public. I could really have fun writing little remarks about each person, under the pictures.
I agree with all of them! Especially any asshole coming to work all sick and not covering their mouths. Nasty!
Yes, several people said GO HOME and commented about the hacking with no coverage. They should have been MADE TO GO HOME. Same goes for people who marinade in cologne/perfume. Blech.
I too will have to agree on everything here. Especially whores that tell tales after the deed. They need double stabbing. But maybe that’s a guy thing.
Feel better soon sweetie, this has gone on long enough and we need your sweet self all bright and cheery
Better watch out – you know who is watching.
sneaking away now – but sending you chicken soup wishes and heavily sedated dreams…
oh – and the Tiger hos stuff? ditto
One day – back when I still worked at the office – my boss came in hacking, with the glassy eyes that indicate a fever. As he wouldn’t listen to myself or anyone else in the department when we fairly yelled at him to “GO HOME!” I called the one person he would listen to: his wife. He went home about ten minutes later.
And per usual, I agree with the entire stab list.
There was a time when cough syrup, while still tasting like liquid shit in a bottle, actually sort of worked. Our drugs, like our institutions generally, are being dumbed down.
Let there be stabbing.
The cough syrup thing bothers me, too. Nyquil (the original, coma-inducing kind) always works wonders for me, but you’d think that the same industry that can come up with a drug to make your EYELASHES GROW LONGER (’cause some of us just aren’t vain enough – STAB) could make Nyquil taste better.
This is one of my favorite stab lists. I think because of all the cursing.
Oh god tell me about (#3), they all suck.
That last pps sounds bogus.. damn those sluts.
Maybe you should keep some masks available in your desk. Then when the sick person won’t go home, hand them a mask while swearing at them.
Nyquil NEVER worked for me. I guess I take too many drugs daily for Nyquil to have an effect on me!
Let’s face it. Tiger is the scum of the earth. But these women who are coming out of the woodwork telling tales about the sex? Even worse. What do they think they look like? They knew he was married! C’mon! (Although one woman claims she didn’t. Wink, wink!)
Girl, my ass told an employee to get their swine flu carrying ass out of my airspace last friday. Now they haven’t come back to work! LOL!