Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I was into my third day of having this rotten cold/flu. I was lying on my couch with my bed pillows and a quilt pulled over me. I was on my fourth box of Kleenex, with at least one box used and discarded on the floor around me. My nose was red and chapped. My eyes were watery and red and swollen from no sleep in two days. I gathered my hair into a ponytail a few days back and it had ratted out all along the back and sides, but I was too weak to put it back up. I hadn’t brushed my teeth that day. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I’m all “Who the hell?” I peeled my face off of the pillow and reached to untangle a cough drop from my hair as I looked outside and saw a UPS truck. Shit. He wasn’t leaving the package. I opened the door a crack and said “Yes? You need a signature?” He said he didn’t need any signature but it was heavy and he’d bring it in for me. I debated then opened the door and told him he could just set it inside. He came in with a gigantic box, set it down, and then turned around. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Dude was GORGEOUS. Like male model hawt without the gay. My mouth dropped open and I coughed or sneezed or both and quickly held a used wadded tissue I had in my hand to catch a fresh stream of mucous that was escaping my left nostril. I managed a muffled “Thank you” before the right nostril started leaking. He said something like “No problem” and turned and was out of my life as quickly as he had come. I looked down and through my open robe saw my tattered and torn t-shirt had a greasy butter stain from a failed attempt that morning at trying to eat some toast. I sighed, said, “Fuck it”, and took another swig of Nyquil.
This is a poor Photoshop re-enactment. I say poor, because I look way better in this than I did “The Day The Gorgeous UPS Guy Delivered My New Desk Chair.” The gorgeous UPS guy is being played by George Clooney because, well, he’s gorgeous. There was way more used Kleenex scattered about, more cat hair, possibly a yakked up hairball, and there was also a mini-doxie dancing around yapping his head off. There was though, at least one cat sitting there licking his ass. I’m pretty sure of that. So actually, only the cat licking his ass is true to the story.
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13 Responses to The Day The Gorgeous UPS Guy Delivered My New Desk Chair-A Love Story
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There there, dry your tears. He probably went back to his UPS truck and thought, “Damn she was hawt in that crazy cat lady way.”
I haven’t seen a robe that freaky since, oh, you know.
I love this post so much. It’s an American Love Story. You know he wants you cuz he’s into that whole danger scene, excited by the downright scariness of what he just witnessed. He’s strangely attracted. . .
Now you must order another large something when you feel better. Send that chair back and order a different one. Gotta do something, woman, think! We need more True Love on the Interwebs.
*sigh*
Love the socks… LMAO…I am really sorry you are not feeling well but that was funny as hell. I hope you do feel better soon……
Sounds like you need to order another chair when the cold/flu thingy expires.
He didn’t ask for your number?
LOL! I agree with Joan- this is a great love story. The visual of your nostrils running and catching it with a wadded up Kleenex really choked me up. It was very moving. lol!
I bet Angelina Jolie will play you in the movie.
Love the hairy legs – not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Bless you, did I hear you sneeze?
Get on line girl, you got some serious internet shopping to do. Then get a shower and change your clothes into something Really Hawt. Like… mukluks and a parka
Girl, this was sooo funny. I could not stop laughing. I bet you wished that you were dressed in something sexy, even though you were sick. You needed him to feel sorry for you and want to check up on you (WHEN YOU ORDER SOMETHING ELSE). lol
So at least the cat was happy, then?
Sorry you’re not feeling so hot. Get better soon.
In the mean time…rut roh!
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/national-enquirer-reports-on-tiger-woods-love-child-lover-linked-to-george-clooney/story-e6frfmqi-1225809273042
OMG – I don’t know what was funnier – the mucous shooting out of your nose, the hairy legs, or the cat licking his ass! Just tell me you live on Elm Street so it could be called the Nightmare on Elm Street!
See how George is standing? That is secret code for I am a Pig Bottom.
I know these things!
I have a friend…