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Destined for a grander fate (hopefully) | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I almost died this morning. Seriously. I was minding my own business at work, listening to some Lionel Ritchie (Shut Up) on my iPod and I grabbed two Excedrins from my purse. I threw one in my mouth and washed it down with a gulp from my bottle of water. Then I threw the second one in, took another mouth full of water and swallowed. The water went down fine, but left the pill in my throat. Then my throat closed around it. Like completely. It closed the fuck up. No air in. No air out.


This has never happened to me before. I can swallow anything. Shut Up. I have no gag reflex. Shut. The. Hell. Up.


For the next few hours minutes seconds my life flashed before my eyes (Note to self: Get a life.) Then all I could think about was that I didn’t want to die like this; choking at work on an over the counter medication, waiting for my co-workers to find my blue lipped corpse face down on my keyboard. Oh hell no. I want to go out in a blaze of glory. I want to die in a love triangle bar room brawl that involves broken neck beer bottles, or die taking a bullet saving someone, or from a ninja attack (HELL YEAH!), or fighting zombies after the nuclear apocalypse (HELL TO THE FUCKING YEAH!) or, more than likely, shot down by the LAPD while attempting to climb over the locked gates to George Clooney’s mansion. I don’t want to die here. Oh God, not here, not now! I want to live dammit! I WANT TO LIVE! SWEET SEVEN POUND EIGHT OUNCE BABY JESUS LET ME LIVE!


Then the pill dissolved and I went back to work.

5 Comments
 

5 Responses to Destined for a grander fate (hopefully)

  1. Jennifer says:

    Girl, you make me choke on my water reading the part about the LAPD shooting you down !LOL!
    God, wouldn’t dying at work just suck??

  2. Fencepost says:

    Good thing it was a small pill!
    You are so funny!
    How about dying from fighting zombies, in a bar, during a nuclear apocalypse, by a ninja that looked like George Clooney? Wouldn’t that fulfill all your dreams?!

  3. Leslie says:

    Yeah, it would pretty much suck to have QWERTY stamped into your forehead at your funeral.

  4. daphne says:

    I want to go out with you in the bar fight.
    You remind me of my favorite tv show – Amazing Grace.

  5. “I can swallow anything.”
    Shutting up now :)
    Sorry. Sometimes I…Just…Can’t…Stop…Myself.

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