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Rainbows make me hurl and pink ruffles give me cramps | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

When I was about ten years old I begged my mother to let me get my ears pierced. For whatever reason she told me I couldn’t get them pierced until I was thirteen. I don’t know what made thirteen magical, all I knew was all my friends had their ears pierced and I was just a FREAK to have holeless lobes.


A few weeks later I bought some unicorn pierced earrings and hid them, biding my time. When I felt the time was right (I think my mom was visiting a neighbor or something) I grabbed some ice cubes and an upholstery needle and locked myself in the bathroom. Don’t even ask me how I was going to hide the fact that I had PIERCED EARS after my self-surgery. I alcoholed the needle and my left lobe and took an ice cube and held it against the lobe in a washcloth. Soon it was pretty numb and with all the force I could, I started pushing that huge needle in. I remember hearing tissue tearing and crunching then the next thing I heard was my mother’s voice, “UNLOCK THE DOOR LAURA!” then I felt the door hitting me on the back and I realized I was laying on the floor. I had passed out. Before my mom could get all the way in the room I jumped to my feet. “I’m Okay” I said. She stood there and looked at me. She asked me “What was that bang?” and I told her I dropped something. She told me to look at myself, so I turned to look in the mirror and there was that huge upholstery needle sticking out of my ear. It was more than halfway in and a little trickle of blood was dripping onto my blouse. I turned to my mother and started to deny its existence when she calmly reached over and yanked the needle out of my ear. It hurt like hell but I held back my tears. She put a Band-aid on my ear and told me to clean up the bathroom. I was horribly humiliated and never mentioned getting my ears pierced again.


Then on my thirteenth birthday my mom took me shopping and without saying anything took me to the cosmetic counter and had my ears pierced professionally. By professionally I mean that some overly-made-up-middle-aged-smothered-in-perfume-sales-clerk-woman shot a puffy heart earring in each lobe. After following the after care to a T, my ears became infected and I had to take the earrings out and let my ears heal. A few months later I AGAIN pierced them myself (with a darning needle this time) and placed real shark’s teeth wire earrings in. How badass was that? There was no passing out and they healed fine. I really don’t think the wires or the size of the needle made the difference. I’m sure my body just rejected the “cutesie.” My body knew to pass out before I could place the unicorn earrings in and my ears filled with pus when the puffy hearts were in. To this day everything cutesie (ESPECIALLY puffy hearts and unicorns) causes adverse reactions ranging from mild irritation to projectile vomiting. You really need to listen when your body is trying to tell you things. Cutesie is my kryptonite.

7 Comments
 

7 Responses to Rainbows make me hurl and pink ruffles give me cramps

  1. Jennifer says:

    Ahhhhh..so this is why you reply back to my ” You Are My Friend” spam emails with hearts and rainbows with “I HATE YOU!”

  2. Laura says:

    No Jennifer. I never use caps, it’s just “I hate you.” But don’t you enjoy my replies to your religious spam you forward to me? “God hates you for sending this shit, He told me so. Also, you’re going to Hell.” : )

  3. Becky says:

    That’s funny!
    I am just picturing a young you with an upholstery needle sticking out of your ear. Poor thing. I’ll bet you had nightmares about giant needles chasing you.

  4. Toni says:

    How come when I send you those cutsie emails you send back “fuck off and die”???? I’d rather have a “I hate you”!

  5. Laura says:

    Toni- I hate you. Done.

  6. j says:

    Of course it is your prerogative to revoked this at a moments notice. Valentine’s day is coming up.

  7. I once had a boyfriend give me a teddy bear and heart pendant necklace.
    You can see why we’re no longer dating.

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