Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Just look at that magnificent sonsabitch!

That’s a picture of my new Weber Charcoal Grill. It came unassembled Monday and I just assembled it yesterday. It took me over three hours, two beers, and one gin and tonic to put it together. The instructions were in no language, just drawings. The picture that told you NOT to do something had an almost invisible line through it and was right next to the picture of what you were supposed to do. So of course the first thing I did was put slot A into tab B as I drank my first beer and muttered “I got this.” Then I cursed so much I’m pretty certain I made Baby Jesus cry.  Hell, I’m pretty certain a few angels lost their wings. I think Satan even got nervous. Doesn’t matter though, ’cause there’s gonna be some motherfuckin’ burgers grillin’ up in here today.

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I like drinking beer in the summer when the temps are over 90 degrees every day like they still are here in the South. This has been my favorite brand this summer. It not only refreshes my thirst, but is also now keeping me from killing a contractor, a carpenter, and an architect. But in all honesty, I really like drinking it for the beer belches most of all.

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I have a spider bite on the side of my boob. And the weirdest thing is, this is not the first time one of my boobs has been attacked and ravaged by a spider. The last bite left a scar like a gunshot wound which stayed until a gifted plastic surgeon removed it when I had my beautiful breasteses reduced due to them giving me black eyes when I ran. It did give me street cred though- the “gunshot wound” scar, not the black eyes. I really hope this bite doesn’t leave a scar, I have no boobage to spare now. Anyway, all titty talk aside, I have a spider bite and I fully expect one of two things to happen. Either 1.) I’ll start getting spidey powers and will start being able to climb buildings and shoot webbing out of my wrists, in which case I’ll need to buy some tights and a ski mask 2.) my intestines will start liquefying and I’ll soon wake up in a web cocoon being devoured by a freak boob-loving spider. I hope it’s number one. There are some motherfuckers I’d like to show some spidey justice to.

And no, there will be no spider bite boob picture, so don’t ask, ya freaks. Instead here’s a pic of what I hope you all are wearing today at work to show your patriotism:

If you're not wearing this to work today, or something similar to this, then the terrorists have already won.

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I just watched Star Trek: Into Darkness because it just became available to rent on iTunes today and I don’t buy movies if I don’t have to. I don’t go to movie theaters anymore either because they’re filled with creatures called “children” and “teenagers,” and because I’m prone to violence against the rude and unruly, I, and my legal council, found it best that I avoid such places. If you haven’t seen the movie you really should. Not that I’m a Trekkie or anything, though I have been known to attend a convention or two in the past for shits and giggles. This is the best Star Trek movie ever made. This one introduces Khan, the arch enemy of Kirk and The Federation. It also features  a scene ripped right out of  Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan where a leading character has to enter the engine room’s reactor to restore power to the Enterprise and then dies of radiation poisoning. Now, I’m not gonna lie to you, I had to put myself on suicide watch when I watched that scene, even though I knew in my heart that main characters don’t stay dead. I’m very sensitive to shit like that. J thinks it’s funny how I loathe romance movies, where I generally cheer the demise of their characters. Like how I moaned at the screen “SINK ALREADY!” or “WHY DON’T BOTH OF YOU LET GO OF THAT FUCKING FLOATING DOOR?!” when we watched the Titanic. Or “SMOTHER HER WITH A PILLOW AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!” when we watched The Notebook. Yeah, I don’t like romance movies.

Oh, also World War Z was released today. I’ve read the book, which was excellent, but I bought that motherfucker because I had to add it to my collection of zombie movies that I often re-watch to help me keep up my zombie fighting skillz. That’s right, go ahead and laugh. The Apocalypse will be coming, and due to my extensive training and research you’ll want on my team. But you know what? I won’t let you. Then we’ll see who laughs last. Me. I’ll laugh last as I watch you scream like a little baby and piss your pants as the undead horde descends upon you and you’re left praying to your God to save you or that your death is quick and all you can feel are teeth sinking into your flesh and ripping ….wait, where was I? Oh yeah, I bought World War Z, but I promised J I’d wait to watch it with him tonight because he says he likes watching zombie movies with me only if I haven’t seen them before. I get all into them and clap and cheer and scream at the screen shit like “DIE, YOU FUCKING ZOMBIE BASTARDS!” He thinks I’m being ridiculous and that it’s funny. But that’s okay. He can laugh… for now.

Now here’s a photo of an Anole lizard that was on my patio to complete the whole Movie/Lizard Tuesday title thingy:

This is an Anole and they're all over the place here. They also make great fashionable clip-on earrings if you let them bite your ear lobe and dangle. Not that I recommend doing that, mind you. (DO IT!)

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