Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Other than my dog Jack having to now go through physical therapy to learn how to walk again after another bout of his genetic intervertebral disk disease, and going through the world’s slowest remodel of my house EVER IN THE HISTORY OF REMODELS, my life is pretty sweet. All these things should explain my absence from blogging of late. I’ve been posting “Links To Enjoy” over on the sidebar pretty frequently though, so there’s that at least. I tried to think of something to bitch about, I mean besides my dog’s condition (he’s still a happy dog, in no pain, and showing signs of improving every day by the way) and, of course, THE WORLD’S SLOWEST REMODEL but I’m dealing and believe me when I say this- my life has never been better. But then I had a nightmare last night. It was so horrifying that I thought I’d share it in a meme.

You can’t get more First World than that.

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Just look at that magnificent sonsabitch!

That’s a picture of my new Weber Charcoal Grill. It came unassembled Monday and I just assembled it yesterday. It took me over three hours, two beers, and one gin and tonic to put it together. The instructions were in no language, just drawings. The picture that told you NOT to do something had an almost invisible line through it and was right next to the picture of what you were supposed to do. So of course the first thing I did was put slot A into tab B as I drank my first beer and muttered “I got this.” Then I cursed so much I’m pretty certain I made Baby Jesus cry.  Hell, I’m pretty certain a few angels lost their wings. I think Satan even got nervous. Doesn’t matter though, ’cause there’s gonna be some motherfuckin’ burgers grillin’ up in here today.

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I like drinking beer in the summer when the temps are over 90 degrees every day like they still are here in the South. This has been my favorite brand this summer. It not only refreshes my thirst, but is also now keeping me from killing a contractor, a carpenter, and an architect. But in all honesty, I really like drinking it for the beer belches most of all.

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I have a spider bite on the side of my boob. And the weirdest thing is, this is not the first time one of my boobs has been attacked and ravaged by a spider. The last bite left a scar like a gunshot wound which stayed until a gifted plastic surgeon removed it when I had my beautiful breasteses reduced due to them giving me black eyes when I ran. It did give me street cred though- the “gunshot wound” scar, not the black eyes. I really hope this bite doesn’t leave a scar, I have no boobage to spare now. Anyway, all titty talk aside, I have a spider bite and I fully expect one of two things to happen. Either 1.) I’ll start getting spidey powers and will start being able to climb buildings and shoot webbing out of my wrists, in which case I’ll need to buy some tights and a ski mask 2.) my intestines will start liquefying and I’ll soon wake up in a web cocoon being devoured by a freak boob-loving spider. I hope it’s number one. There are some motherfuckers I’d like to show some spidey justice to.

And no, there will be no spider bite boob picture, so don’t ask, ya freaks. Instead here’s a pic of what I hope you all are wearing today at work to show your patriotism:

If you're not wearing this to work today, or something similar to this, then the terrorists have already won.

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