Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

While I was standing in the bird food/bird house section of Lowes, trying to decide if I was going to get 25 pounds of song bird seed or 20 pounds of trail seed with dried fruit an employee walked over persistently inquiring if I needed any help. This was the conversation to the best of my recollection:

Overly-Helpful Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”

Me: “No. I’m just trying to decide which seed to get, but thank you.”

Overly-Helpful Employee: “Well, I bet I can help.”

Me: “No, that’s okay. But thanks anyway.”

Overly-Helpful Employee: “Let me help. What kind of birds are you trying to attract?”

Me: “Well to be honest I really like raptors- hawks, falcons, eagles- but my neighbors complained about me nailing squirrels to boards and setting them about the yard so I suppose I’ll just get this pansy-ass song bird stuff.”

Overly-Helpful Employee: -


Now here’s a picture of a Bald Eagle that I took at The Center for Birds of Prey. He posed for me because I was swinging a squirrel by it’s tail for him. I kid, I kid. I was swinging it from a rope attached to it’s neck.

P.S.  At no time have I ever, nor will I ever, nail a squirrel to a board, or swing it by it’s tail, or from a rope around it’s neck, so don’t call PETA or some secret Squirrel Society to come egg my house or chew my wires or some crazy secret Squirrel Society shit.


Whenever I’m sad or unhappy, instead of getting loud and angry and violent, I like to express my feelings in poetry. SHUT. UP. IT’S  TRUE. Anyway, I thought I’d keep this short and write a Haiku poem to express myself. To be perfectly honest I’m not very familiar with Haiku  (or even the English language or sentence structure, for that matter- words are hard, yo!) so I had to look up the rules. They are as follows:

  • Only three lines, totaling 17 syllables throughout
  • The first line must be only 5 syllables
  • The second line must be comprised of 7 syllables
  • The third line must be 5 syllables like the first
  • Punctuation and capitalization rules are up to the poet, and need not follow rigid rules used in structuring sentences
  • Haiku does not have to rhyme, in fact many times it does not rhyme at all
  • Some haiku can include the repetition of words or sounds

So here we go. I titled this poem  “Betrayal.”



A Haiku by Laura Ledford


George Clooney’s engaged

I am fucking enraged now



Now here’s a picture of some baby Capybaras. Just look at those adorable little horse-rat bastards. LOOK AT THEM!


A while back, while watching the news at J’s mom’s house, a report on a house fire that tragically claimed something like six or seven children’s lives came on and after it was over J’s mom laid that gem out there. I thought it was genius. I’m thinking about embroidering it on a pillow.


Me: “My friend Patty wants me to go with her to a quilters club meeting tomorrow.”

J: “You should go.”

Me: “Yeah, well, I haven’t quilted in years. And what if it’s like a quilting cult!”

J: “It won’t be a cult, Laura.”

Me: “Hmm, maybe they’ll teach me their secret quilting handshake.”

J: “What?”

Me: “Their secret handshake. It’s probably two cramped claws trying to grip.” *demonstrates* “Hey, when I walk in I should pick the toughest looking one and go punch her in the face.”

J: ”Laura, it’s a quilters meeting, not prison!”

Me: “Oh yeah. Then I probably won’t go.”

J: “God you’re weird.”