Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura
I’ve been busy politickin’ and by “busy politickin” I mean “drinking lots of gin and tonics and planning my debate strategy.” In case you’re wondering, my friends and I have been running in Shandon every morning, hungover but still hell-bent on vigilante justice. There has been no wiener-whacking perv sighting, but we may or may not have seen a deformed, hunchbacked, rabid possum the size of a German Shepard one morning. Or maybe it was a deformed, hunchbacked, rabid German Shepard. Now that I think about it semi-sober, I think it may have been a kid wearing a backpack waiting for a school bus. Either way, it was frightening as fuck.
Now here’s a rendering of my debate strategy:
*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* Debate over. I win, motherfuckers!
Me: ”I have to get up early this week. Richelle, Dee, and I are going to start running in Shandon in the mornings.”
J: “Why in Shandon? That seems out of the way for all three of you.”
Me: “A naked man has been spotted there several times. Apparently he drives around naked in a silver Honda, sees women running, and jumps out whacking his wiener at them.”
J: “What the..? And you three want this to happen?”
Me: “Hell yeah. I’ve been wanting to taser someone. Dee wants to film it, and, well, Richelle says she wants use a baseball bat on his knees, but I think running with a bat would be too cumbersome.”
J: -
Me: “Besides, she might scare him off if he spots the bat.”
J: ”Okay. Let’s say you all do this, then what?”
Me: “We’ll call the cops, silly.”
J: “Well, at least you’re saying something that’s starting to make sense here.”
Me: “Of course, if he has a newish Honda, we may joyride in it first.”
J: “You mean, take his car?”
Me: “Yeah, what’s he going to do? Call the cops? ‘Oh Officers, I wagged my wiener at them all naked and shit, they knee-capped me, tasered me, took pictures, and then stole my car?’ I think not.” laughs “Oh, and I guess we should probably bring some Clorox wipes. We don’t want to be sitting in nasty perv nutsack sweat. And God only knows what would be on the steering wheel.” *shivers*
J: “I am not posting bail for any of you. Seriously. Don’t call. I mean it. Do. Not. Call.”
Me: “Chill, Adolph, I got my tax return.”
Now here’s a rendering of how we imagine it will go down:
Yes, it is pure HELL running in heels.
Since announcing my candidacy for President of the United States on Thursday I have been on the campaign trail and by “been on the campaign trail” I mean ”drunk.” While on the campaign trail I announced that George Clooney will be my VP, and by “VP” I mean “sex slave.” It’s a hard life in the political limelight, knowing people are waiting for you to fail, waiting for you to say the wrong thing, waiting to dig up dirt from your past and throw it in your face. But luckily I don’t give a shit, and besides, I’m relying heavily on my Free Bacon Plan to win over the majority of voters anyway. And as for how I, as President, will fix the problems our nation is facing today, I wrote a few things down on a cocktail napkin in between the blackouts and the dry-heaves I’d like to share with y’all now.
1. The poor and the homeless. Pay-Per-View televised death matches. Two go into the ring, one comes out. The one who comes out gets paid handsomely with the money made from viewers. BAM! No more poor AND no more welfare.
2. The Deficit. We default on everyone we owe and them bomb the shit out of them, take their land, and then rent it back to them. Make them all our bitch. BAM! No more deficits.
3. All men will desire me. (This fixes no national problem – I just wanted to throw it in.)
4. Unemployment. In order to fulfill the free bacon need of the nation, there will be millions of pig farms and processing plants started. They will employ millions of people who will then be government workers whose wages will come from the rent collected from all of the bitch nations. BAM! No more unemployed.
5. Bomb France.
I’ll not only kick his ass, but I’ll make y’all a free bacon sandwich or give you a coupon or some shit afterwards. So vote for me, motherfuckers.
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