A few days ago J and I were sitting in a restaurant when J started reading news on his phone. This was the conversation to the best of my recollection:
Me: “Was she fired?”
J: “Doesn’t say, but I would think so.”
Me: “Well now, she just went to level ‘non-functioning’.”
Me: “As in a ‘non-functioning alcoholic.’ I worked with a bunch of drunk bitches that were functioning alcoholics at my last job.”
J: “How’d you know they were functioning alcoholics?”
Me: “Well, Mister Man, for one thing none of them showed up to work with no pants on. It’s like a litmus test on ‘what kind of drunk are you’ kind of thing.”
J: *sarcastically* ”You know so much about so many things.”
Me: “Yes I do and it’s about time you recognized my brilliance too. Now go out to the car and bring me my pants.”20 Comments
I pretty much like all animals. But do you want to know one animal that no matter how much the internet tries to tell me is adorable I find just disgusting and heinous as hell? A sloth.
That is one ugly motherfucker right there. Squishy little head with a soup bowl haircut, beady eyes, and just look at those damned claws! And not only is this creature ugly, but he’s got to stink like shit. Dude doesn’t have an anus. That’s right, NO BUTTHOLE. It shits out of his skin pores! Nasty. Know what else is nasty as hell about this abomination? Besides being so fucking retarded that sometimes he’ll grab his own arms thinking they’re tree limbs and fall to his death, he’s so fucking slow that algae and moss will grow on him.
Now don’t try to tell me that all of God’s creatures are beautiful or some shit like that. If that were true I’d have gone with cross-eyed Johnny Banks to the prom. These motherfuckers are disgusting and no matter how many pictures are posted or how many videos I watch on the internet of them, I just don’t like them.
Well, okay, that’s kind of cute.
OH GODDAMMIT. Nevermind.37 Comments
I think this is the beginning, folks. The beginning of the end. The Big ZA. Yeah, that’s right, the Zombie Apocalypse. Ebola brought here to America. EBOLA. I looked it up a while back because according to Web MD I had it and I was all “FUCK! I’M GONNA DIE ALL NASTY AND BLEEDING OUT OF EVERY ORIFACE AND SHIT.” Turned out I was alright though, I just ate some bad shrimp and had explosive, lava diarrhea. Fuck Web Md. Fuck bad shrimp. Fuck explosive, lava diarrhea. And FUCK EBOLA most of all. So anyways, I was talking to J about Ebola the other day and when I told him I thought it was the start of the apocalypse he was all “Laura, you think cold season is the start of the apocalypse.” Then he laughed his little Nazi laugh. Sonsabitch. He can laugh all he wants. If he makes it through the breakout WHICH HE WON’T because that cheap bastard likes to go through the drive-thru at McDonalds (ugh) for their Dollar Menu bullshit and you just know those nasty, hair-netted little teenagers at the grill are spitting on those dollar burgers- but IF HE DOES make it through the outbreak - he won’t be joining my group. Nope. So laugh your little Nazi laugh now. Come the ZA, you’re on your own. Enjoy your Happy Meal, motherfucker.22 Comments
While I was standing in the bird food/bird house section of Lowes, trying to decide if I was going to get 25 pounds of song bird seed or 20 pounds of trail seed with dried fruit an employee walked over persistently inquiring if I needed any help. This was the conversation to the best of my recollection:
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”
Me: “No. I’m just trying to decide which seed to get, but thank you.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Well, I bet I can help.”
Me: “No, that’s okay. But thanks anyway.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Let me help. What kind of birds are you trying to attract?”
Me: “Well to be honest I really like raptors- hawks, falcons, eagles- but my neighbors complained about me nailing squirrels to boards and setting them about the yard so I suppose I’ll just get this pansy-ass song bird stuff.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: -
Now here’s a picture of a Bald Eagle that I took at The Center for Birds of Prey. He posed for me because I was swinging a squirrel by it’s tail for him. I kid, I kid. I was swinging it from a rope attached to it’s neck.
P.S. At no time have I ever, nor will I ever, nail a squirrel to a board, or swing it by it’s tail, or from a rope around it’s neck, so don’t call PETA or some secret Squirrel Society to come egg my house or chew my wires or some crazy secret Squirrel Society shit.38 Comments