Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

While I was standing in the bird food/bird house section of Lowes, trying to decide if I was going to get 25 pounds of song bird seed or 20 pounds of trail seed with dried fruit an employee walked over persistently inquiring if I needed any help. This was the conversation to the best of my recollection:

Overly-Helpful Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”

Me: “No. I’m just trying to decide which seed to get, but thank you.”

Overly-Helpful Employee: “Well, I bet I can help.”

Me: “No, that’s okay. But thanks anyway.”

Overly-Helpful Employee: “Let me help. What kind of birds are you trying to attract?”

Me: “Well to be honest I really like raptors- hawks, falcons, eagles- but my neighbors complained about me nailing squirrels to boards and setting them about the yard so I suppose I’ll just get this pansy-ass song bird stuff.”

Overly-Helpful Employee: -

 

Now here’s a picture of a Bald Eagle that I took at The Center for Birds of Prey. He posed for me because I was swinging a squirrel by it’s tail for him. I kid, I kid. I was swinging it from a rope attached to it’s neck.

P.S.  At no time have I ever, nor will I ever, nail a squirrel to a board, or swing it by it’s tail, or from a rope around it’s neck, so don’t call PETA or some secret Squirrel Society to come egg my house or chew my wires or some crazy secret Squirrel Society shit.

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Whenever I’m sad or unhappy, instead of getting loud and angry and violent, I like to express my feelings in poetry. SHUT. UP. IT’S  TRUE. Anyway, I thought I’d keep this short and write a Haiku poem to express myself. To be perfectly honest I’m not very familiar with Haiku  (or even the English language or sentence structure, for that matter- words are hard, yo!) so I had to look up the rules. They are as follows:

  • Only three lines, totaling 17 syllables throughout
  • The first line must be only 5 syllables
  • The second line must be comprised of 7 syllables
  • The third line must be 5 syllables like the first
  • Punctuation and capitalization rules are up to the poet, and need not follow rigid rules used in structuring sentences
  • Haiku does not have to rhyme, in fact many times it does not rhyme at all
  • Some haiku can include the repetition of words or sounds

So here we go. I titled this poem  “Betrayal.”

 

Betrayal

A Haiku by Laura Ledford

 

George Clooney’s engaged

I am fucking enraged now

Refrigerator

 

Now here’s a picture of some baby Capybaras. Just look at those adorable little horse-rat bastards. LOOK AT THEM!

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A while back, while watching the news at J’s mom’s house, a report on a house fire that tragically claimed something like six or seven children’s lives came on and after it was over J’s mom laid that gem out there. I thought it was genius. I’m thinking about embroidering it on a pillow.

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Me: “My friend Patty wants me to go with her to a quilters club meeting tomorrow.”

J: “You should go.”

Me: “Yeah, well, I haven’t quilted in years. And what if it’s like a quilting cult!”

J: “It won’t be a cult, Laura.”

Me: “Hmm, maybe they’ll teach me their secret quilting handshake.”

J: “What?”

Me: “Their secret handshake. It’s probably two cramped claws trying to grip.” *demonstrates* “Hey, when I walk in I should pick the toughest looking one and go punch her in the face.”

J: ”Laura, it’s a quilters meeting, not prison!”

Me: “Oh yeah. Then I probably won’t go.”

J: “God you’re weird.”

 

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