Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

Planet Earth

This weekend winter finally moved in with a big bang (for the south). We had a storm and temperatures dropped like thirty degrees in one day. We stayed at the house and watched Planet Earth, an 11-part series about our planet, filmed over a 5-year period in 200 different locations. We watched all five disks.

For anyone who hasn’t watched this series, it’s absolutely fantastic. I highly suggest you buy it, or rent it, or catch reruns on the Discovery channel. Just don’t get too attached to any of the animals you see. For every animal they show that makes you go “Awww, how cute!” there’s a predator that jumps out and snaps it’s neck, or devours it in one gulp. As beautiful and educational as this show may be, I realized within twenty minutes into it this is basically an animal snuff film in HD.

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I read an article the other day about a woman in Pennsylvania that faces jail time because she was cussing up a blue storm IN HER HOME because her toilet was backing up. Apparently an off-duty policeman was walking past her home, heard her, and promptly knocked on her door and gave her a citation. She faces up to 90 days in jail.

I am kind of worried. If it is actually against the law to curse, I figure chances are that one day soon I will end up on death row. Holy fucking shit.

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It’s that time of year again. The time when offices all across the land plan on pot luck lunches to celebrate the birth of the sweet seven pound eight ounce baby Jesus. The list to sign up for a dish went around my office today. It seems no matter how hard you try to avoid getting that list, someone always corners you and places it directly in your hands. Kind of like a subpoena.

I generally don’t participate in these dining extravaganzas because, well, pot luck means everyone makes a dish, and let’s face it, I’ve seen how some of these ladies treat a public restroom. It’s kind of scary thinking how their own homes rate on the Board of Health scale.

A few of my co-workers were discussing what they were making and one of them asked me for suggestions on what she could bring. Here’s a list of just a few of my suggestions plus a few extras, because, well, I’m helpful like that.

1. A few cans of beenie weenies dumped into a microwave safe bowl.

2. A fried bologna platter with a side dish of mustard, and a loaf of bread arranged in a fancy fan pattern next to it.

3. Two cornish game hens. But eat a wing off one and a leg off the other on the ride into work in the morning. And don’t explain why they are missing after you place them on the table. 

4. A single Lean Cuisine meal, microwaved and placed on the table with a large serving spoon placed in it. If you are feeling really generous make that a Swanson Hungry Man dinner instead.

5. Boxed Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, cooked, then Spam chunks thrown in.

6. A Jello fruit mold. But substitute the fruit for canned corn or baked beans, heck, maybe both.

7. A cheese platter made from government cheese you received during that “hole in your resume” period.

8. Mystery salad. This will contain items from the back of your refrigerator crisper plus a few greens you found in your yard. Hey, they said they were fine on the Discovery Channel. Really.

9. Expired sandwiches given to you by the vending machine guy that you have collected, cut into small pieces and arranged in an appealing display.

10. For fancy hors d’oeuvres, cut about a half dozen Slim Jims into small bite size pieces and place a fancy toothpick in each one.

Arrange any of these dishes on plastic festive Christmasware you get from the Dollar Store. It’s those extra touches that make any dish special. 

Slim Jims

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