Yeah, I know I’ve sucked at blogging. If you friended me in Facebook you’d know that I handed in my resignation the week before last and I have one more week at the Bunch O’Bitches Headquarters and then I’M FREE! Did I win the lottery you ask? No, I won the Lottery of Life, which is way better and way less tax-y. When things calm down, I’ll return. Until then y’all should be watching Game of Thrones, whose season premire starts tonight. If you’re not watching this fantastic show then you simply need to re-evaluate your life and everything in it.

And since this is a religious holiday and all, here’s another vintage picture of Jack finding Jesus (He was under the sofa.)

He is risen.

Amen.

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I think I’m addicted to Pinterest. Yeah, I think I’m a cyber-hoarder. I spend entirely too much time there looking and pinning shit I’ll never buy or make, sometimes pinning the same thing five or six times because I have too much shit pinned to remember what the hell I have pinned to begin with. I think I need to hire an assistant. Or maybe I’ll just call A&E’s Hoarders so they can send me a professional organizer and a therapist who specializes in compulsive behavior. I can see it now, the therapist would be all “Laura, we’re just going to get rid of things you’re comfortable getting rid of” and me freaking the shit out when dudes in jumpsuits led by the organizer start deleting my pins. “NO! I WAS GOING TO MAKE THAT ‘CANNED BISCUIT DONUT DELIGHTS’ ONE DAY! NOOO! NOT ‘HOW-TO-MAKE A WINE CORK PICTURE FRAME’!” Then I’ll start getting all pissed-off and grabbing them back out of the Recycle Bin, grumbling to myself like a crazy-ass hobo.

Anyway, I know I’m going to have to get help soon, I started saving sappy quotes. YES. Quotes without curse words in them. Help. Me.

The next fucking thing you know I'll be watching The Notebook or, GOD FORBID, Titanic.

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I went to the orthopedist today because my left knee has been hurting. You would know this if you follow me on Facebook and read in between my postings of goats and Gordon Ramsay memes. Anyway, after my appointment, as I getting in my car, I called one of my friends.

Me: “Hey, I just got out of the doctor’s, want to meet me for a burger? I feel like having a big, delicious burger.”

Friend: “Sure. What doctor did you go to?”

Me: “A new one, a sports medicine orthopedist. And damn girl, that man was GORGEOUS!”

Friend: “Oh yeah?”

Me: “Yeah girl. He was moving my leg around, feeling my knee, while I laid on the table and I was looking into his dreamy doctor eyes and I said “Doc, right here, I think it hurts right here too.”

Friend: ‘Umm, dare I ask where you pointed?”

Me: “My groinal area.”

Friend: “WHAT?”

Me: “I did. And he said ‘There’s no joint there” and I said “But you can put a bone there.”

Friend:  “No you didn’t!”

Me: “Uh huh. And then I stretched my hands up over my head and my blouse popped open and my bosom fell out, all exposed and shit.”

Friend: “YOU DID NOT!”

Me: “And then my pants started sliding down.”

Friend: “STOP LYING! Seriously, stop making shit up.”

Me: “Okay, okay. I awkwardly stuttered ‘Nice to meet you’ and just tried not to fart as he was rotating my leg around. There, happy?”

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You know what I hate? I hate when you’re going through life thinking you know something for  a fact and then BAM you learn it’s all lies! This happened to me this weekend. Here I was all ‘Oh my God otters are sooo cute!” “Oh my God, otters are sooo sweet!” I even wrote once that I wanted to get a bunch of otters. Well, you can just mark that off my want list.

Here’s the article I read Saturday. Here’s an excerpt for those who don’t click links:

A weaned harbor seal pup was resting onshore when an untagged male sea otter approached it, grasped it with its teeth and forepaws, bit it on the nose, and flipped it over. The harbor seal moved toward the water with the sea otter following closely. Once in the water, the sea otter gripped the harbor seal’s head with its forepaws and repeatedly bit it on the nose, causing a deep laceration. The sea otter and pup rolled violently in the water for approximately 15 min, while the pup struggled to free itself from the sea otter’s grasp. Finally, the sea otter positioned itself dorsal to the pup’s smaller body while grasping it by the head and holding it underwater in a position typical of mating sea otters. As the sea otter thrust his pelvis, his penis was extruded and intromission was observed. At 105 min into the encounter, the sea otter released the pup, now dead, and began grooming.

Fucking adorable murdering rapist necrophiliacs!

And because I’m  all environmental and shit, I made this PSA poster warning seals of  the danger of otters:

Remember seals: No one can hear you scream underwater. Well, except for fish, and other seals. Oh, and sharks. And probably octopuses.

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