Fetch My Flying Monkeys

Conversations With My Pets.

Laura — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 09:10:45 +0000

I’m starting a new series on here called “Conversations With My Pets” because some of my best conversations are with my pets. Don’t worry, my “series” usually only appear once, sometimes twice, and then are abandoned faster than a pair of panties out a car window on prom night.

I was peeing this morning in the bathroom with the door open and Thelma the cat was relieving herself at the exact same time. Her litter box is right near the bathroom where it’s protected with a child safety gate so that a certain dog can’t excavate the tootsie roll delights deposited there daily. Our heads and necks were sticking out in the EXACT SAME POSITION at the EXACT SAME TIME. We looked like JOCKEYS!

Giddy Up!

“Are you peeing or pooping? I’m peeing.” I said.

She didn’t reply.

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I swear to God, if I hear “I Will Always Love You” one more time I’m either going to climb a tower with a high-powered rifle or scream. I can’t decide which.

Laura — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 09:15:31 +0000

I started sleeping on the couch a few weeks ago when I hurt my back and now my back is better and I’m still sleeping on the couch because it’s comfy and I’ve gotten too damned lazy to walk to my bedroom after watching DVR’ed episodes of Teen Mom 2. Okay truth be told, I’m still on the couch because I still have muscle relaxers left over and I’m using them like sleeping pills for my insomnia so I basically fall unconscious wherever I am when I take them, which is, you guessed it- the couch. I have to stop though and get back to sleeping in my bed because I discovered that both cats and the dog are using my passed-out body as a spring board to get to the back of the couch to look out of the window. I woke up the other morning and there were literally dozens (okay, five or six) paw-sized bruises all over my body. Of course, I never thought about the animals when I first spotted them, I just knew I had developed hemophilia and was about to die, so I called in to work and said ”I have hemophilia and I won’t be in.” and they were all “We don’t care if you’re gay” and I was all “Wha? Umm…no…oh nevermind, I’ll be in” because I didn’t have the strength or clotting factor to explain because of my hemophilia. My life is a vicious cycle.

Now take my shitty poll to help me decide what to do because my pet-paw hemophilia makes me indecisive.

View This Poll

82 Comments

My purse is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Laura — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:02:05 +0000

I had a headache all day and just a little while ago I found a pill in the bottom of my purse and I took it even though I have no idea what kind of pill it was. I’m pretty certain it’s been in there for over a year, so if its something bad it should have lost some of it’s potency by now. If it hasn’t, well, I’m leaving this blog entry as evidence so that there doesn’t have to be an autopsy. I don’t like the idea of being filleted on a steel table in all my rigor mortis nekkidness glory and have all my organs taken out and weighed and measured while they eat a sandwich and say shit like “the liver has the same appearance of a Sterno-addicted 80 year old hobo and there also appear to be pieces of circus peanuts lodged throughout the subject’s entire system” into a microphone. The pill was kinda pinkish and had no markings. Now that I think about it, it may have been an old Smartie candy. In that case I should be okay, unless old Smarties go through some kind of chemical change and become toxic. I’m leaving this entry up just in case.

Now here’s a picture of an awesome goat to enjoy until I return (fingers crossed):

63 Comments

Warning: Sparkly vampires ahead.

Laura — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 09:09:35 +0000

This past weekend I rented the latest Twilight movie “Breaking Dawn: Part 1″ because it had just released for rental and I refuse to go to a theater full of thirteen year old girls to watch it. Now listen, I know these movies are shit. The story is crap, the acting is crap, the special effects are crap, but I LOVE THEM. I really do. In this latest one emo Bella and Edward played by Robert Pattinson (my imaginary boyfriend) get married and Bella gets impregnated the first night and it grows really fast in her belly and she’s too weak and stupid and it’s quickly killing her and Jacob the werewolf is all pissy wanting to kill Edward, but he helps, because, well, he’s Jacob, and he is all sensitive and shit.

So I’m watching this movie, drinking some limoncello, and it ends and I’m all emotional because I’m half tanked and on pain meds and J called me and I’m all “Oh my God Jacob imprinted on the baby so he didn’t kill it!” and J’s all “Oh. God. Not Twilight again.” and I’m all “Yes! I love it!”. Then I told him all about the movie because I was all chatty and drunk, and he listened, or maybe he set the phone down, I don’t know. Then I said “That baby was pretty.” and he’s all “WAIT…WHAT? You thought a baby was pretty? You of all people?” and I’m all “Well, I’m sure it was special effects, CGI and all.” He laughed and said “I really don’t believe I just heard you say you liked a baby.” and it kind of pissed me off because it was like he was taunting me “Laura likes a baby na na na na na” and he was getting me off track telling him about the movie so I said “Listen, that baby basically killed Bella so now I’m on ‘Team Bella’s Baby Who Killed Her”, a’ight?” and I hung up on him. Twilight hatin’ Nazi sonsabitch.

57 Comments