Uncategorized | Fetch My Flying Monkeys

Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

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“Voodoo unto others before they voodoo unto you.”

By Laura On October 30, 2011 · 43 Comments

Nicole at Autumn People went to New Orleans and she sent me a box filled with voodoo!

How awesome is that? This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been wanting to lay some major voodoo on some motherfuckers lately. Let’s just hope it doesn’t ricochet this time.

Thanks, Nicole! Unless, of [...]

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I am exhausted from studying for my drug test, but felt compelled to share my experience because I knew y’all would want to know. You’re welcome.

By Laura On October 11, 2011 · 60 Comments

So I took my drug test yesterday. It was a disaster. I mean, I didn’t fail it, not that I know of yet anyway, I just urinated like a drunk man with no arms pissing into the wind. I was all “Shit. I know my urethra is somewhere around here. I took anatomy dammit.” But it’s not every day [...]

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I found another spider anteater in my shower this weekend and it got away while I was attempting to kill it and now I just know it’s plotting revenge somewhere. I really need to go into protective custody or a safe house or something. I’m a sitting duck here.

By Laura On July 18, 2011 · 89 Comments

I hate Sunday nights because all I can think about is starting another work week and I know everyone thinks it’s all glamorous and exciting being a government assassin but nothing can be further from the truth. It sucks. But I wasn’t born rich and the whole lottery-early-retirement thing isn’t working out very well, so because I [...]

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I still think it’s rabies.

By Laura On June 8, 2011 · 138 Comments

I went back to the eye doctor the other day for a follow-up on my scratched corneas. It seems my right eye is all healed but my left eye’s cornea is still fucked up. I had my chin in that head contraption thingie when the doctor looked at it and said “Uh oh.” and I’m all “What!?” [...]

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Moth.

BIRDS!

Andrew Knapp Photos.

Pot Noodles.

The Hyena Handlers of Nigeria.

Rest in fucking pieces, Mr. Darcy.

Rescued!

Wake Up!

Hitler's Home Movies.

Adopted!

Subway Surfer.

MC Mom.

Is Your Girlfriend a Horse?

Now I want to go to Iceland.

AYA!

Karaoke Hitler.

Wake up! They see us!

Wasted.

How a Gas Nozzle Knows When To Shut Off.

A Yelp Review left for Walter Palmer's Dental Practice.

Sleeping Guy Gets Twizzlered.

Birds in Watercolor.

When Taunting Goes Wrong.

Google Sheep View.

3 year old girl explain the complexities of childbirth in 4 seconds.
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“Voodoo unto others before they voodoo unto you.”

I am exhausted from studying for my drug test, but felt compelled to share my experience because I knew y’all would want to know. You’re welcome.

I found another spider anteater in my shower this weekend and it got away while I was attempting to kill it and now I just know it’s plotting revenge somewhere. I really need to go into protective custody or a safe house or something. I’m a sitting duck here.

I still think it’s rabies.

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