George Clooney And My Other Imaginary Boyfriends | Fetch My Flying Monkeys

Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives

— Laura

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It’s Q & A Friday!

By Laura On September 2, 2011 · 67 Comments

Question: Who destroyed my stapler three mintes after the cat knocked it off the desk?

Answer:

Question: What dog-stealing WHORE will be on television later this month on a dance competition show?

Answer:

Question: What did I purchase for the momentous [...]

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I’m starting a Columbia Earthquake Relief Effort and inviting George Clooney to host a telethon like he did for Haiti, except this telethon will be in my bedroom and I’ll be donating the clothes I’m wearing. I’m a philanthropist, don’t ‘cha know.

By Laura On August 24, 2011 · 80 Comments

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk minding my own business, mentally making a list of people I want to assassinate off the clock when it happened. At first I felt a small tremble, then it started to increase. I thought, “FUCK! Epilepsy.” Then I noticed things were moving, not me, and I thought “FUCK! Poltergeist.” Then it hit [...]

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The Great Dinosaur Wars continues in between the drunken stupors and diabetic comas.

By Laura On August 23, 2011 · 92 Comments

The dinosaurs declared war on the Cherokee Nation when they refused to refund the $100 T-Rex lost at the poker tables. Besides being nearsighted, and bad at math, T-Rex’s wee little arms were not made for card playing and the Indians knew this. Asshole Indians.

I went from liver failure [...]

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Nature’s Voodoo

By Laura On August 19, 2011 · 79 Comments

I found what the police helicopter was looking for the other night in my yard:

I’m not certain if you can tell by this photo, but that spider, including its legs, is as big as my hand and I will also tell you that I screamed like a little girl when I saw it and [...]

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It’s Q & A Friday!

I’m starting a Columbia Earthquake Relief Effort and inviting George Clooney to host a telethon like he did for Haiti, except this telethon will be in my bedroom and I’ll be donating the clothes I’m wearing. I’m a philanthropist, don’t ‘cha know.

The Great Dinosaur Wars continues in between the drunken stupors and diabetic comas.

Nature’s Voodoo

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