George Clooney And My Other Imaginary Boyfriends | Fetch My Flying Monkeys

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— Laura

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J has always said he views it as his responsibility to mankind to make sure I never have any political power whatsoever. I’ll have that motherfucker imprisoned right after the election.

By Laura On January 23, 2012 · 118 Comments

Since announcing my candidacy for President of the United States on Thursday I have been on the campaign trail and by “been on the campaign trail” I mean ”drunk.” While on the campaign trail I announced that George Clooney will be my VP, and by “VP” I mean “sex slave.” It’s a hard life in the political limelight, knowing [...]

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Rabies ruins everything.

By Laura On December 23, 2011 · 59 Comments

I think we’ve all agreed before that dreams are bullshit and no one really cares what you’ve dreamt about. I think we’ve all also agreed that blogs are for posting bullshit; so why not dreams?

Last night I dreamt I was walking through the woods and happened upon a cabin. It wasn’t spooky or anything so [...]

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“To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” ~Conan the Barbarian

By Laura On December 14, 2011 · 86 Comments

I came back from lunch yesterday to find this letter on my desk:

Beneath it was this:

Nice try, but the war will continue until an unconditional surrender is tendered. Thank you for the magazine. Now lets talk about a Michael Kors purse I saw not on sale the other day.

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I’m in serious need of a housekeeper. Or maybe a robot maid like George Jetson had. Except mine would be equipped with lasers and grenade launchers and not really clean my house so much as “clean house.” Oh, and make bacon sandwiches.

By Laura On October 18, 2011 · 80 Comments

My weekend was filled with tears, horror, and disgust; and that was just while cleaning my house Saturday morning. Specifically, I am referring to my bathroom, or what will henceforth be referred to as “The Post-Katrina Louisiana Superdome Room.” I don’t even know what I’m saying. I think I’m still high from the bleach fumes or the gin I [...]

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J has always said he views it as his responsibility to mankind to make sure I never have any political power whatsoever. I’ll have that motherfucker imprisoned right after the election.

Rabies ruins everything.

“To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” ~Conan the Barbarian

I’m in serious need of a housekeeper. Or maybe a robot maid like George Jetson had. Except mine would be equipped with lasers and grenade launchers and not really clean my house so much as “clean house.” Oh, and make bacon sandwiches.

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