Unlike Angelina Jolie and Madonna, I don't go around the world collecting babies. No, I just go to makemebabies.com and pop out as many as I like in a matter of minutes. Seems weird I know, but I don't have to worry about stretch marks, hemorrhoids or an episiotomy to see what a mini-me and some dude mixed together is going to look like. And the best thing is, I can just delete them when I'm tired of looking at their faces. No jail time.
So I went over there like a big ole' fertile whore fresh out of rubbers and experienced the miracle of creating a few babies. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is, but now that I have them my maternal instincts are kicking in and I feel the desire to drag them out in public and force people to look at my babies and tell me how beautiful they are. So look at my beautiful babies and if you feel the need to buy them gifts, like I hear people like to do, their momma prefers cash.
This is the baby Brad Pitt and I had together.
I didn't bother naming her. I'm selling her to Angie.
My next baby is one I had with "I'm Rick James, Bitch."
Yeah, I know Rick James isn't around anymore. Maybe that's why my baby didn't come out quite right. Maybe Rick's DNA was either fucked up from drugs or it wasn't refrigerated correctly. Either way, the kid's a total mess. I named him Worfie.
You think Worfie's strange looking? Look at the baby I had with Marilyn Manson:
Yeah. Spooky. Who would have thunk it? I'd bet there's three sixes on him somewhere. I named him Damien.
Now here is my "special" baby. This is the baby I had with Michael Jackson.
I know. What the fuck? They must not refrigerate those sperm tanks at all. I am just glad I didn't have to squeeze that melon noggin out of my tootie. Jesus. I had high hopes I would get a child with talent so I could quit my job and just manage her career via my diamond encrusted iPhone from Neverland Ranch while riding a unicorn, but I think I'm going to be lucky if she can learn to tie her shoes. Shit.
They say a mother should never show favoritism. And I know I've only been a parent for maybe a half hour, but it seems longer. More like an hour. With my vast experience as a mother, I can tell you that mothers do have favorites. Here's mommy's favorite widdle precious bundle of joy:
I am not surprised that we make pretty babies together. Not. At. All. It's like God wants us to be together, except c'mon, if you read this blog you know there won't be any babies. We'll just go through the motions of making one. Constantly. Like, ALL THE TIME. Everywhere.
Wait. Where was I? Oh yeah...
So if you're thinking about having a baby, go to makemebabies.com to see what that little shit is going to look like. You can upload a picture of your husband, or boyfriend, or a random guy on the street and see how the baby is going to turn out. Forewarned is forearmed. If I can prevent just one ugly baby from being made, my job here is done. Just say no to ugly baby making.