I'm getting more like my crazy ass papaw with all these
long ass military stories, but at least mine don't all end
with getting the clap from some whore in Okinawa.
When I was in basic training in the U.S. Army we went to the field for one week (bivouac) and lived in a pup tent, dug a foxhole, played war, peed in a trench, went to classes, got greasy helmet hair, and qualified with a hand grenade. There were two parts to qualifying with a grenade. The first part was a course you ran with another soldier using hand signals and taking cover while sneaking up on an enemy bunker, and ending with throwing a training grenade in. The second part of qualifying was throwing a live grenade at a target at a grenade range.
They prepped us from the first day when they handed us our first training grenades to THROW THE GRENADE OVER THE WALL at the range. The reason they did this was, of course, because you could not only kill yourself, but you could kill others around you, including the instructing sergeant in the bunker with you. You were drilled over and over and over, pull the pin in front of you, aim with one arm, release spoon, count to three and throw. Whatever the fuck you do, THROW IT OVER THE WALL.
The day we were to qualify, they marched us up to the range and had us stand in formation. They had first platoon, which was the platoon I was in, enter a large semi-underground building. Inside stood several sergeants who we didn't recognize. These were the instructors that were going to be with us as we qualified. The first thing you noticed about them was that they were "nice." There was no gruff monotone barking commands. No indeed, they were our friends. They even smiled at us. They told us they were going to take five out at a time after they put a flak jacket on us. Each soldier would have an instructor with them and we would wait for the tower to inform us when to begin. We were to go through our steps and then THROW THAT GRENADE as hard as we could at the target and duck down and take cover immediately in the cement bunker we would be standing in. Then they took the first five. We stood 'at ease' in the bunker and waited.
I wasn't particularly scared until I heard the tower tell Lane One to begin, then scream "YOU'RE SHORT! GET DOWN! GET DOWN!" and the bunker I was standing in shook. Goddamn, how short was she? Then I heard the tower tell Lane Two to begin and once again I heard a terrified male voice yelling "YOU'RE SHORT! YOU'RE SHORT! GET DOWN!" BOOM! *RUMBLE* "Fuck, I'm going to die" was all I could think. Then I just started telling myself "Laura, just throw it. Throw it as hard as you've ever thrown anything." Hell, I played baseball with my brothers all through childhood. I could do this. As I was concentrating, picturing myself throwing that motherfucker to the other side of the world if I had to, I kept hearing the tower telling another lane to begin, then screaming "YOU"RE SHORT! GET DOWN! GET DOWN!" more often than not. BOOM! RUMBLE. Fuck. Apparently most of us weren't good at throwing. And we were all going to die.
Every time the instructors came back into the bunker to get five more soldiers you could see this look of fear growing on their faces. Our drill sergeant made a remark to one of them and the guy just raised an eyebrow and shook his head. He was scared. I was scared. "YOU'RE SHORT!" was the tower's mantra that day.
Then it was my and four others turn. I walked up to one of the instructors as I was placing my ear plugs in and he placed a flak jacket on me, all the while reciting instructions. And then he looked into my eyes and he said "Whatever you do, no matter what, THROW IT OVER THAT BUNKER WALL, okay?" "YES SERGEANT!" and we walked out to the bunker. As we were walking he asked me where I was from and started chit-chatting. I could not believe a drill sergeant was chatting with me all friendly like. Then we arrived at Lane Five. We took a seat behind the cement wall and waited.
Lane one threw. BOOM! "YAY!" I thought, it wasn't short. Lane two, "YOU'RE SHORT! GET DOWN!" Fuck. Lane three, BOOM! Yay! Then lane four, "YOU'RE SHORT!" BOOM! and dirt was showering down upon me as I sat there reevaluating my decision to be a soldier. Hail Mary full of grace. Then my instructor was there in front of me, holding my flak jacket by the arm holes, staring straight into my eyes, his face right in mine. "Whatever you do THROW IT AS HARD AS YOU CAN OVER THE WALL. GET IT OVER THE WALL. Okay?" His voice was as smooth as Mister Rogers. I looked into his beautiful baby blue eyes, I smiled and said "A'ight, Sergeant." The tower bellowed "Lane Five!" and I stood and my sweet, sweet instructor handed me my live grenade.
I looked over the wall and saw my target way off in the distance. It was a skeleton of a tank. "That's weird" I thought. I looked over to the side of my bunker and saw my sweet blue eyed sergeant instructor squatting down against the wall mouthing "OVER THE WALL" and a big thumbs up. I smiled at him, he smiled back. What a sweet man. "Okay Laura," I thought,"THROW THIS MOTHERFUCKER!" I stood sideways to the target, pulled the grenade up to my chest in my right hand, holding down the spoon, and with my left hand I pulled the pin. Then while holding down the spoon with the same hand I'm holding it in, I drew that arm back, took aim with my left and I released the spoon. I counted "ONEandTWOandTHREE" and I threw that bastard so fucking hard. I stood there and saw it going straight for the tank. "OH WOW! COOL! WE'RE ALL GOING TO LIVE!!!" I think I said out loud. Then before I knew what the hell was going on I heard something in the distance say "GET DOWN!" and I was falling backwards. What the fuck? I felt my back hit the ground and my instructor was immediately on top of me. What the... BOOM! Then instantly it came to me. I stood to watch my grenade go off instead of taking cover and my instructor didn't have a clue how far it went because he was squatting behind the wall. He yanked me back and covered me to protect me. Ahhh, how sweet. I told you he cared. After the boom he raised up and looked at me, mere inches from my face. I smiled and then for some insane reason, I think because I was so happy to just be alive, and I like doing crazy ass things, I made a kissy face at him. Yes. I puckered up my face and did an air kiss and a wink. His face went instantly from concern, to disbelief, to horror. "Umm you were to take cover after throwing it, soldier!" he barked as he was getting up and pulling me up by my flak jacket. "Yeah, uh, I forgot." And I started dusting the dirt from my BDUs. "Well, forgetting in war can get you killed, soldier. Don't ever do an asinine thing like that again! Do you hear me?!" "Yes, Sergeant." Damn, our love affair was over.
This taught me one of the biggest lessons of my life. Everybody just LOVES your ass and wants to be your friend and chit-chat and be all nice and get all up in your Kool-Aid and shit as long as you have a live grenade in your hand. But once that grenade is gone, they're all back to being assholes. FACT.
Comments
That is why I would prefer M-79s, M-203s, LAWs (or similar RPGs), or pretty much anything that makes the big boom happen *way* the fuck OVER THERE. Something like the 16-inch guns of the New Jersey or Missouri battleships is good.
*** Ha! ~Laura
Posted by: Dave Merriman | June 21, 2010 03:20 AM Comment:1
I LOVE YOUR ARMY STORIES!
I would have been so scared with a live grenade, I prolly would have pissed my pants! lol
*** Nah. You'd have done #2 if you dropped it. I mean, before the BOOM that is. ~Laura
Posted by: Jennifer | June 21, 2010 05:14 AM Comment:2
Damn girl, you can tell a story. Kept me on the edge of my seat up until the air kiss.
*** All my stories end with an air kiss. ~Laura
Posted by: Joe the Blog Stalker | June 21, 2010 05:20 AM Comment:3
GREAT story. You really are a great story teller.
*** Thanks. ~Laura
Posted by: Sarah G. | June 21, 2010 05:41 AM Comment:4
That is an excellent life lesson story!
*** Thanks, I thought so. ~Laura
Posted by: stephanie | June 21, 2010 06:13 AM Comment:5
I love reading your stories. Keep 'em coming.
Posted by: karen | June 21, 2010 06:50 AM Comment:6
Great Story....you tell it well. Sadly, I've never thrown a hand grenade, or launched a LAW rocket. Jack has a cool mom.
*** He really should appreciate me more and start behaving, don't you agree? ~Laura
Posted by: Yabu | June 21, 2010 07:08 AM Comment:7
I was all ready for a praise you story - you threw that thing and it hit the target and everyone carried you on their shoulders and you were the toast of the unit.
Never expected a kissy face.
*** Ha! A lot of people hit it I suppose (we couldn't watch) and it wasn't a "hit the target, get qualified" type qualification. All I knew is I wanted it away from me so I threw like I never threw before or since. I love making kissy faces at the most inappropriate times. Try it. It's fun. ~Laura
Posted by: Kris, in New England | June 21, 2010 07:26 AM Comment:8
I love your stories. Apparently I am new enough that while I knew you were a leading theologian and brilliant stick scientist, I did not know you were also a soldier. No wonder you know so many FACTS.
*** Thanks. And yes. I was in the military. Try not to be frightened. I'm no longer a soldier. ~Laura
Posted by: lifeshighway | June 21, 2010 07:51 AM Comment:9
Great story. Everyone DOES love the person with the hand grenade!
*** Indeed they do. ~Laura
Posted by: Heather | June 21, 2010 08:17 AM Comment:10
Didja get to keep some as souvenirs? Grenades would be great for clearing crowded aisles at WallyWorld! That guy screwing around and not turning right after stop at a light? Gone!
BTW - great story - and thank you for your service. Can't say that often enough.
*** Ahh, it was my honor and privilage to have served. And no, no souvenirs! I didn't want to go to Ft. Leavenworth so I never tried to get one. No casings or nothin'. Dammit. ~Laura
Posted by: Jeffro | June 21, 2010 08:41 AM Comment:11
I can't throw worth a damn - Id a been "SHORT!" but I think I'd have remembered to duck...
Did you qualify after forgetting?
giggle - great story...
*** Basically, if you lived, you qualified. So yes, I qualified. Thanks. ~Laura
Posted by: patti | June 21, 2010 09:05 AM Comment:12
I'm with Merriman, I want to make things go boom from a distance!
Like one of these:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjRxkem9oz4
*** Yeah, I did too, that's why I threw it like my life counted on it- because it did. ~Laura
Posted by: Jan | June 21, 2010 09:32 AM Comment:13
I remember when I went to the Grenade Range in Basic, and it was my turn to throw the grenade, they had filled our heads with stories about the rare grenade that had a defective fuse and went off quicker than anticipated. They also told us a story of a guy who secretly let his grenade "cook off" so that when he threw it, it blew up just past the wall. Supposedly that hapless soldier was dishonorably discharged.
In any case, when I held the live grenade, getting ready to throw it, I had a death grip on it to keep it from activating. For a moment, I thought I wouldn't be able to release my grip. My hand hurt for a while that day after I finally threw the damned thing.
***YES! I held the spoon down so hard I cramped, BUT I didn't care! No I did not. I did not want to die. And wasn't that the quickest counting to three you ever did in your life? You know what I worried about? The damn thing BOUNCING back. Like a bad Tom and Jerry cartoon. Seriously, imagine the stress those drill instructors have with all the yoyos coming through there. ~Laura
Posted by: Curtal Friar | June 21, 2010 09:40 AM Comment:14
Great story. I bet you were scared. I would be.
*** Yes I was. ~Laura
Posted by: Trisha | June 21, 2010 10:48 AM Comment:15
"Seriously, imagine the stress those drill instructors have with all the yoyos coming through there."
No shit. There were three suicide attempts while I was going through Basic. I guess you would never know when you would get some unbalanced fuck who would decide to let a grenade cook off all the way as his means of suicide.
*** When we were first taken to the firing range w/ M-16's we were told (of course) to keep our weapons down range at all times and if we didn't- there was an armed party in the tower that would shoot us because a few cycles before mine someone went automatic at the tower. I thought it was just something to make the yoyos be certain to keep the barrel down range, BUT I saw the dude aimed in on us several times. I didn't blame 'em a bit. ~Laura
Posted by: Curtal Friar | June 21, 2010 11:12 AM Comment:16
You're blog is so much fun. Hysterical. I probably would have dropped the grenade and took off running. lolol
*** Thanks. And hopefully you would have dropped it before pulling the pin. ~Laura
Posted by: Dorothy | June 21, 2010 11:32 AM Comment:17
Most excellent story. I lumme a story with an air kiss AND a moral.
*** Thanks. My life is FILLED with adventures ending in an air kiss and a moral. ~Laura
Posted by: Nicole | June 21, 2010 11:45 AM Comment:18
I love hearing your stories. You are a hoot.
Posted by: rathead | June 21, 2010 12:11 PM Comment:19
I've read several stories from those who threw their first grenade, but this is the very first I ever read one with the phrase, "kissy face" involved.
I tried the army stuff once, for about six years.
*** Ha! I had fun while I was in. Of course, I must emphasize- it was not during a war. I met some terrific people. ~Laura
Posted by: Dick | June 21, 2010 12:28 PM Comment:20
Well, I sure was surprised with the ending. for a while there I thought it was gonna end with The
"Air Clap" the way you were Air kissing that blue eyed hunk...But not this time. Most Excellent story. Now thats what I always look forward to on your blog... fabulous job!
*** "Air Clap" Ha! And thank you. ~Laura
Posted by: Doni | June 21, 2010 12:48 PM Comment:21
That damn Stretch will not behave...it's his way or the highway. He knows that, and he uses it to his advantage. A threat of "Lockdown" makes him more determined. He is relentless. Maybe I should frag his ass. Maybe he'll get the message. I'm willing to bet you, Jack has the same disposition...it's in their genes.
They have "The Look"...I know you know what I mean. When Stretch gives me "the Look", I'm in for a surprise. Happens every time. Understanding "the Look" is important. Don't be fooled by it...that's what they want. Dachshunds are essentially under-cover dogs. Of course, you know that. When I get "the Look", I'm thinking ahead. I'm glad mine is not armed. If I didn't recognize and understand "the Look", I'd be a goner.
I'm downtown with BigDick, "kissy face" and hand grenade in the same post is unique. Yes it is...
*** Oh, I know "The LOOK." And yes, if they were armed we'd be dead. Or at least wounded. ~Laura
Posted by: Yabu (EOTIS) | June 21, 2010 03:30 PM Comment:22
First, thanks for your service. This is the funniest grenade story ever...though the thought of you with a live grenade is kinda scary. I'm betting that instructor never forgot you! He probably has a recurring dream (nightmare?) where he wakes up in a cold sweat right after the air kiss...
*** HA! I KNOW! He screams, and his eyes open and he's all "NOOOOoooooo!" and his wife is all, "What is it , honey? THE nightmare again?" and he starts crying, no, sobbing giant sobs into his pillow while she's telling him it was just a dream, the bad kissy face girl is gone. PTSD. ~Laura
Posted by: THE Mr. Bill | June 21, 2010 05:40 PM Comment:23
Do ANY of your army stories end with you getting the clap from a whore in Okinawa?
** No. I would tell it if any did. Yes, I would. ~Laura
Posted by: BillN | June 21, 2010 06:04 PM Comment:24
"After you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend."
I remember a training exercise in which we were supposed to lob sixty of the nasty little pineapples. I landed 52 of them on target, for which they gave me some tin badge.
I was pretty good with the LAW, too.
*** 52! Excellent! We had had hundreds of training ones and we got one live one and we all got the same badge! I LOVED the LAW. I wish I had one. l Ha! Laura
Posted by: CGHill | June 21, 2010 07:30 PM Comment:25
I make kissy faces at assholes in traffic, after they've gotten all pissy. It's a war zone, right? I make kissy faces cuz I don't have grenades. Are they grateful? Not that I can tell.
** YES! There is power in the traffic kissy face! There really is. It says, "I know you're an asshole, but look, I find that attractive!" It throws them completely off. ~Laura
Posted by: Joan of Argghh! | June 21, 2010 07:57 PM Comment:26
Five Minutes of Otter Frolic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJjeG4ZFn6E&feature=player_embedded
Ugh, I'm going to become diabetic watching these things...
**** I want a baby otter. ~Laura
Posted by: Jan | June 21, 2010 11:08 PM Comment:27
I showed my husband this last night and thinks you're one of the funniest people ever.
*** Your husband is very wise. Ha! ~Laura
Posted by: Jennifer | June 22, 2010 05:13 AM Comment:28
This is the best grenade story ever told. I mean where no one got killed.
**Ha! ~Laura
Posted by: Erick | June 22, 2010 05:34 AM Comment:29
You really do tell great stories. I like your blog.
*** Thank you. ~Laura
Posted by: debbie | June 22, 2010 06:08 AM Comment:30
Well, I'm damned disappointed they didn't tell you how far you threw it. I expect you got it the farthest of anyone. LOL. I love the kissy face - bet that was a first and a last for the DI.
Now I must send this to my son who I'm sure has grenade stories of his own if I could only make him talk.
*** I haven't a clue how many females made it to the tank with their grenade. Most seemed to be having problems, that's for sure. ~Laura
Posted by: Teresa | June 22, 2010 04:56 PM Comment:31
That was a great story !
More...I want to read more !
**** Ha! Simmah down nah. ~Laura
Posted by: SB Smith | June 22, 2010 05:31 PM Comment:32
What I remember most about my turn at Live Grenade Day at Fort Sill was that the instructor was a ropy little Texan who called everyone "Sport Billy." Well. I assume he was a Texan. Could'a been a poser from Rhode Island.
Grenades are awesome, BTW.
*** Sport Billy? That's odd. Yes, grenades ARE awesome. Everything that goes BOOM is. Ever notice that? ~Laura
Posted by: Pug Mahon | June 24, 2010 12:11 AM Comment:33