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- It's dark every morning when I leave my house for work. Every morning while going to my car I look for zombies. The fast ones. I mentally picture one coming at me, fast, and I freak a little inside. I time myself on my iPhone on how long it takes me to get in my car and lock the doors. I do this without looking like a complete spaz (ie flinging my arms and screaming for Jesus) in case a neighbor is looking out. It probably just looks like I am in a hurry or cold or something. But chances are that I probably do look like a spaz. But I don't care. I'll have the last laugh one day.
- I sing and have dance-offs with my pets daily. It usually ends in a fight between one of the cats and Jack. Jack is very petty and jealous and has no rhythm. Right now their favorite song is You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. Traxler has been the winner lately.
- I not only mentally visualize stabbing annoying people in my life but will also imagine what it would feel like running over them with my car. The whole "thump, thump" thing is sometimes very satisfying. If they're really annoying I will close my eyes and throw it in reverse, then forward for a triple "thump, thump."
- I have to sleep with a fan on and/or a light on. I don't know why. I just do. Also my feet CANNOT be covered. I don't know why. They just can't be.
- I can hear a song twice and then sing back all the words. And I will remember those words FOREVER. I can sing songs from earliest childhood. All the lyrics. People are amazed. I cannot remember my cell phone number or most people's names. People are amazed.
- Sometimes I wonder what would happen if you were about to have a really bad diarrhea explosion while driving and as you were speeding home, a cop pulls you over. As you cried (because I imagine you would literally cry) that you were about to poop your pants would the cop a) think you were lying and give you a citation even after the explosion? b) back away and tell you to go and be careful? Maybe even give you a police escort? Only thing I know for sure is that you shouldn't try to outrun him. Wrecking your car then being chased and tasered with a load in your drawers would just be too nasty.
- Sometimes I think I think too much about what would happen in different explosive diarrhea scenarios.
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Comments
LOL!! Girl, you are too much!
I have to sleep with a fan on I think because of the noise. Not that you asked. LOL!
Posted by: Jennifer | February 9, 2010 06:29 AM Comment:1
This is why I read your blog. I like your crazy. It makes me laugh.
Posted by: mary beth | February 9, 2010 07:12 AM Comment:2
One can never think too much about what to do if attacked by fast zombies or different explosive diarrhea scenarios. Life is about preparing.
Posted by: Joe the Blog Stalker | February 9, 2010 07:18 AM Comment:3
Dude...that whole "what would you do if you really had to poop, but got pulled over thing" is a serious concern of mine. Almost a phobia. I don't know what I would do. I would probably keep speeding to a gas station or something and turn it into some epic police chase that would end with the cops kicking in the door of a Quick Trip gas station only to find me sobbing on the can. Woah.
Posted by: kate | February 9, 2010 12:15 PM Comment:4
giggling - speechless - girl, I think there might be medication for that...
***Imodium? Or Prozac? ~Laura
Posted by: patti | February 9, 2010 12:48 PM Comment:5
The fan thing - totally sympatico with. Have to have air movement. But I can't sleep with my feet uncovered. They have to be covered, but I can't sleep with socks on. You'd think that covering with anything would do, but no.
Posted by: Nicole | February 9, 2010 01:22 PM Comment:6
Yes
Posted by: p | February 9, 2010 01:37 PM Comment:7
Oh yeah. I forgot that you do the "thump thump" thing. I remember that time you did imaginary donuts over me. Thump thump thump thump thump thump...
Posted by: J | February 9, 2010 02:01 PM Comment:8
Knowing my luck the cop would make me wait while he ran my tags.
Posted by: Mark in IT | February 9, 2010 03:11 PM Comment:9
Stab.
Thump. Thumpety Thump. Screeeech. Thump.
That bus driver? Dead now.
Posted by: alison | February 9, 2010 05:54 PM Comment:10
Holy crap! You have an iPhone?
*** Ha! Don't you like how I worked that in? ~Laura
Posted by: Jim - PRS | February 9, 2010 07:10 PM Comment:11
I've gotta wonder... is J _trying_ to make it to the top of the stab list?
You should carry a machete. Not only would it let you deal with any zombies in the morning, but it would *definitely* get you more respect and consideration at work.
Maybe you can get one of the drug manufacturers to make you a MIX of Immodium and Prozac: Prozium?
Posted by: Dave Merriman | February 9, 2010 09:15 PM Comment:12
I have posted something to help you in your stabbing adventures. (and also to get attention but we'll skip that). It's because you're an A List Blogger, but also because you have an iPhone. heh.
Posted by: Teresa | February 10, 2010 12:11 AM Comment:13
How can you sleep with your feet exposed? Aren't you afraid that a zombie is going to grab them while you are sleeping?
You might want to put a "Depends" in your car just in case. You know?
Posted by: Pat | February 11, 2010 11:31 AM Comment:14
I'm the exact opposite , my feet must always be covered and they can't hang over the edge of the bed. And I cant sleep with a closet door opened, not even partially.
Posted by: midtown miscreant | February 11, 2010 11:45 PM Comment:15