Although I am now an A-List Blogger, I will never
forget my roots, and those roots involve mostly
wanting to stab people and things
It's been a pissy week. And when I get pissy, I get stabby. And because prison scares me, I try to keep my violent tendencies to my lists. So let's get on with it, shall we?
1. The very pregnant girl in the grocery store check out line who had her groceries separated into two piles. One pile was all the juice, milk, cheese, eggs and cereal that she had a WIC voucher for. The other pile was steaks and other assorted meats, about a dozen frozen name brand pizzas, soda pop and a full cart of other asundry things that her little Food Stamp credit card thingy paid for. The rest of us overheard you telling the lady behind you that you were eight months pregnant and that you had a nine month old at home. I was overcome with happiness that my taxes helped support your choices as I stood in line with my buy one get one free boxes of cereal that I thought I would be eating for a few suppers because I have to pay for my medical bills and my GINORMOUS electric bill, BOTH I'm also certain YOU don't have to pay. You're welcome. The best part was watching you load your huge haul into your new Toyota Camry. I thought of Andre Bauer, and I didn't hate him as much, and for that I really wanted to stab you.
2. Those fucking reptile people at work who turned the thermostats up so high I swear to God my hair almost caught on fire sitting at my desk the other day. My buddy at work and I used to do sort of a tag team thing where we would take turns walking behind them and turning down the heat. She's been out, and I have been losing the battle. Just yesterday I had to hook myself up to IV fluids because I was so dehydrated. I would LOVE to fucking STAB all of them in their reptilian, anemic hearts.
3. I want to stab J for saying I sound like a Chinese leprechaun every time I attempt to do a foreign accent. I don't care if I try to do a French, British, Chinese or even IRISH accent. He claims it all sounds the same. He always says "What the hell was that?" and bursts out laughing. STAB.
4. The damn squirrel that got in my attic and decided to gnaw on a piece of wood, waking me up from my sleep. I'll have to admit you kind of scared me as I was trying to figure out where the sound was coming from. It sounded like you were in the wall right behind my head and my first thought was "It can't be a body. Not enough room." I know, because I measured it for that once. Wait. Nevermind. At least you didn't cause a fire gnawing wires. But you forced me to go into the attic and run your rodent ass out and nail down the mesh screening you pushed past. Stay out of my house, fucker. If you come back I will taser you. I've been wanting to use it.
5. The lawn guy I fired last year who I have been unable to replace. He left a letter and business card on my door saying I'd get a discount for any referrals! I mostly want to stab myself because it looks like I will hire him back.
6. The IRS. Why do things have to be so complicated? Oh my God. I've started to do my taxes twice and had to stop because my tears of frustration were smearing the ink. But I know I must get them done soon. Baby mommas need their DeGiorno Pizzas.
Comments
I get behind the food stamp people at the grocery store and look at their cart of party foods and want to stab them several times. Ugh.
Reptile people need to be airlifted to the tropics and dropped. No parachutes. LOL!
***Good one, Jennifer! ~Laura
Posted by: Jennifer | February 5, 2010 06:07 AM Comment:1
I was wondering where the hell the Stab List was. I thought you may have become too uppity for one. Glad to see you can still relate to us little people who want to kill other people.
Posted by: Joe the Blog Stalker | February 5, 2010 06:55 AM Comment:2
Food stamps and welfare, dear Trex don't get me started!
The kids are out of the house now so when I set the thermostat at 62 in the winter, it stays there (in the summer it is 76)
My lawn is finally clean- hooray! I don't have an iPhone, but my leaves are up :) so there.
Posted by: patti | February 5, 2010 10:37 AM Comment:3
Stab away. If you want to use the knife from my Cool Shit package, I'll be glad to send it back; those are all worthy stab nominees.
*** You don't like that Furi knife? ~Laura
Posted by: Dave Merriman | February 5, 2010 11:42 AM Comment:4
Don't get me started with the "grocery carts full of goodies" we pay for.
I hate squirrels. Stab them all for me.
Posted by: Mark in IT | February 5, 2010 11:52 AM Comment:5
Hi. I'm a commenter from another blog. I comment here because I like you.
Posted by: dogette | February 5, 2010 12:04 PM Comment:6
It's a shame those WIC vouchers won't buy condoms for Lil' Miss Fertile Myrtle.
Posted by: kate | February 5, 2010 12:16 PM Comment:7
Dehydration is a common sign of rabies. I'm just sayin'.
***For heat stroke too. ~Laura
Posted by: LeeAnn | February 5, 2010 12:41 PM Comment:8
Stab all those sonsabitches!!
Posted by: mary beth | February 5, 2010 02:38 PM Comment:9
Stab all the squirrels you want. They need to go away.
You have to give J some credit - at least the man has a sense of humor. Although, I would want to stab someone if they burst out laughing at me when I was trying to be funny, so maybe only stab him once.
Posted by: gatorgirl4325 | February 5, 2010 03:08 PM Comment:10
I _do_ like the Furi knife very much -- but if it'll help you with the stab list, I'm willing to part with it.
Posted by: Dave Merriman | February 5, 2010 07:43 PM Comment:11
Dave, you may or may not have noticed a tag on the knife that said "People's exhibit 7B" or something like that. Laura's craptastic givaway wasn't so much a collection of presents as it was a dispersal of evidence. She wants you to have the knife. Believe me.
Posted by: J | February 5, 2010 08:04 PM Comment:12
My husband bought some nifty stainless steel knives a few weeks ago. That go with the Chicago Cutlery that we bought decades ago. That go with the potato peeler/salad shooter that we bought decades ago. You're welcome to use those to stab those assholes. And turn them into curly side dishes. After I stab the assholes I work for.
Posted by: Kim | February 5, 2010 08:08 PM Comment:13
If it's any consolation, Cyd Charisse's Scottish burr in "Brigadoon" was almost indistinguishable from her Russian accent in "Silk Stockings."
Not that she got hired for her voice talents, of course.
Posted by: CGHill | February 5, 2010 08:58 PM Comment:14
J: I was kinda wondering about that; I just figured she got it as a souvenir from a crime show or something. Well, it's okay now - the bloodstains are gone, along with the fingerprints and DNA. Still not sure what to do about the dessicated body parts, though...
Posted by: Dave Merriman | February 5, 2010 10:57 PM Comment:15
I think Kate's got the right idea regarding the WIC program...
BTW, I work with one of those reptile people; the dude on the night shift had the temp in the office cranked up to 81F when I arrived this morning. I came in wearing flannel-lined jeans (because it's February in Alaska, and snowing) and spent most of the morning with the windows open to bring the temperature back down to a survivable level. Maybe they all have rabies?
Posted by: D.W. | February 6, 2010 01:15 AM Comment:16
Hi, I'm still commenting and I know I shouldn't because I'm an A-List Blogger and we don't go around commenting on other people's blogs. It just isn't done.
Posted by: dogette | February 6, 2010 09:22 AM Comment:17
I thought I needed to comment not just because your an "A" List Blogger but because I wanted to. :o) I could not agree with you more about the food stamp situation. What a total idiot.. even to mention the fact she was 8 mo preg w/a 9 mo old at home.. She obviously has no idea that it makes her a total "IDIOT". They should be forced to have birth control implants.How is that even justified? What the hell is wrong with this? I think they should only give them cheese and milk. that is nurishing. I bet they go get a job then. Stabbing is too good for them.
Posted by: Doni | February 6, 2010 05:48 PM Comment:18
The heck with condoms, WIC vouchers should pay for forced sterilizations. You live off the public dime, you don't have the right to spawn.
Or was that too mean of me?
Posted by: Jan | February 6, 2010 06:05 PM Comment:19
And how is little momma paying for that Toyota Camry I wonder?
I do enjoy your stab lists and always hope that I won't find MYSELF on it one day!
Posted by: Pat | February 7, 2010 12:12 AM Comment:20
I prefer the negative-incentive approach: you're allowed so much for the first illicit spawn, but the allotment is reduced by half for second and successive spawnings. By the time you're on #5 and living on one-sixteenth what you were, you'll wish someone had stabbed you when the opportunity permitted.
Posted by: CGHill | February 7, 2010 12:28 PM Comment:21
My parents are reptile people. I pass out from heatstroke every time I visit them. They are in Florida right now, complaining about how cold it is.
Posted by: schambers | February 8, 2010 04:26 PM Comment:22
Ug...food stamps make me see red. I wrote a post about Papa Murphy's taking food stamps and it has generated quite a few comments telling me how mean I am for being against it. Idiots.
Oh, and Doggette is cracking me the hell up!
Posted by: Megscole64 | February 8, 2010 05:12 PM Comment:23