When my life flashes before my eyes, why is it I see
myself captaining the Starship Enterprise when I'm
pretty certain that never happened?
Today after work I went to take a shower in an attempt to wash away some of the suckassness of the day. As I removed my bra, I turned and caught a quick glimpse in the mirror of something disconcerting. A "spot." A discolored mole almost the size of a dime on the inward side of one of my boobs. My eyes remained on the spot as I semi-bent to remove my pants. Thoughts went running through my head. "Funny, I never saw that mole before. Shit. Look at the dark brown color. Oh hell. That can be nothing but cancer. Fuck. I guess I should make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Dammit. I wonder if I'll have to have chemo. Fuck. Am I going to lose my hair? Double fuck. Am I going to lose a boob to melanoma? I'm not going to lose my boob. I'll do chemo, that's it. That's as far as I'll go. Fuck it."
After dropping my pants onto the floor, I walked closer to the mirror to inspect my cancer. As I pushed my boob to the side with one hand, I gingerly reached to the spot with the other. I leaned in real close to the mirror. Then I removed the smashed coffee cake brown sugar topping crumb that had apparently fallen down my top this morning.
Comments
If I'd just gone through that, I'd be wanting to stab myself.
Of course, we're all delighted to know that Boob Retention is a priority.
Posted by: CGHill | December 4, 2009 12:16 AM Comment:1
LOL! I once had a crumb of pizza that dropped in my cleavage and when I saw it I became concerned. I feel your pain. lol
Posted by: Jennifer | December 4, 2009 07:35 AM Comment:2
Between the hypochondria and the hydrophobia it's a wonder you can even survive to stab people!
Posted by: Joe the Blog Stalker | December 4, 2009 08:13 AM Comment:3
When I see my life flash before me I'm the captain of the Starship Enterprise too!
Posted by: Malcolm | December 4, 2009 08:15 AM Comment:4
Coffee nose! Choke, spew...
Posted by: patti | December 4, 2009 08:36 AM Comment:5
What's really scary is how FAST they appear and grow. Overnight? Not even. More like a few hours. Holy shit. Talk about "too late for chemo, break out the pink ribbons." I usually get the Ghirardelli melanomas. Irregular border? Check. Dark color? Check? Shows the letter M (melanoma) under a blacklight? Check. Are my affairs in order? Check. Fuck!
Posted by: dogette | December 4, 2009 08:42 AM Comment:6
Wait! Where was George in all this "life flashing before my eyes"? Was he crew on the Enterprise with you? Much like dreams, these visions of yours must have meaning. Important meaning.
(Please don't stab me if George was not in the dream. *whimper*)
Posted by: jck | December 4, 2009 09:35 AM Comment:7
You went to take a shower?
Is your rabies in remission again?
Have your ever seen the movie "I Drink Your Blood, I Eat Your Skin"? It's about abunch of hippies that catch rabies. Chaos insues. They don't like water at all.
A shower huh?
Posted by: jw | December 4, 2009 10:29 AM Comment:8
I showed my wife this post and she laughed and said the same thing has happened to her before, but she'd never tell anyone. I told her that's what makes you special, you will. Not that my wife isn't special...
Posted by: Mark in IT | December 4, 2009 11:10 AM Comment:9
Hmmmm...my melanoma tastes...chocolate-y...
Posted by: Schrodinger's Other Cat | December 4, 2009 11:48 AM Comment:10
roffles.
I have so done that. Hey, things get warm down there and you tend to forget about them.
Posted by: Nicole | December 4, 2009 04:46 PM Comment:11
OMG- I had that same kind of melanoma last year - I had my wig all picked out and.... had figured out who would marry my husband and raise my kids upon my demise... I just hate it when that happens
Posted by: zombie mom | December 5, 2009 12:05 AM Comment:12
As I'm reading this, I'm thinking, what's this, a SERIOUS post from Laura? I continue reading and I'm also thinking, "Oh no, I hope it's not cancer!"
You see how I can multi-task! Are you impressed!
Laughed so hard at the end! Read the whole post to my husband, and he laughed, too! I hate when shit falls down my shirt! And since I must wear an inappropriate bra size (the "middle" of the bra is supposed to touch your skin) I have a nice little "cup" there to catch things. Yep, I've found a plethora of things thing - a whole smorgasbord for later, in fact! Hungry anyone?
Posted by: pat | December 6, 2009 12:04 PM Comment:13