Coming up with new ways to hide evidence is hard,
but it's fun to imagine the look on the bell-ringing
Santa's face when I donate a bloody sock full of
quarters
Thanksgiving marks the start of the holiday season for me. Thanksgiving, then Christmas, ending with New Years. You would think the holiday season would soften my desire to stab people. Well, you would be wrong. So very, very wrong. They make me not only want to stab, but to first slam them in the face with a sock full of quarters. Happy Holidays!
1. Chase Visa. They sent me a notice that my interest rates were being raised an astronomical amount. I have NEVER missed a payment and have NEVER made a late payment. I have had their card for years and years. Well, no more. Go to Hell, Chase Visa. I'll NEVER get a card from you again.
2. Co-workers who come to work coughing and sneezing and then come over and talk to you RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. Yes, all close-talking. Get the hell away from me you disease ridden asswipe. I wanted to swing that sock as soon as I saw you headed my way.
3. I want to slam and stab the fact that your pet gets old right before your eyes. Yeah, they're big pains in the ass, but they're still your buddy and they're family.
4. Every single person on "The Hills", especially Heidi and Spencer. I really want to bash them all in the face first with a sock full of quarters just to ruin all those nose jobs. I don't usually watch it, but it came on tv and I was too lazy to look for the remote, so I sat and watched two episodes. Yes, TWO episodes. I deserve a medal of some kind.
What. The. Fuck.
First off, what idiot would even believe this show isn't scripted and what the hell? These people have got to be the stupidest, most self-centered assholes in the whole world. Oh, oh-here was Heidi's prayer over dinner, "Bless this meal, my big house, my loving husband, and my outfit." Your outfit, Heidi? Jesus H. T-Rex there's roadkill out there Heidi! Here, have some quarters. *Slam* *STAB*
5. People who wait until the last minute to buy their turkeys and trimmings. All I wanted, no NEEDED, was toilet paper. You bastards had all the lines backed up to frozen goods-INCLUDING the 10 item or less line. I wanted to bash and stab you all and walk over your bodies to the register. It's what I envisioned standing there with my four pack of Charmin.
6. People who care what Tiger Woods is doing when he's off of the golf course. Damn people, get a life. He's not George Clooney.
P.S. J asked me why I cursed so much in this entry and I explained to him that it was a religious thing, you know, because of the holidays. I said every time you curse an angel gets its wings. He said I was wrong, it's every time a bell rings. I told him that was just fucking ridiculous. Then I went looking for a sock.
Comments
I love the Monday stab lists. I agree it sucks watching the dog get old right before your eyes and there's nothing remotely funny about that. I've been thinking about it lately too. Sigh.
Christmas cussing is a tradition with me so just be prepared as I ramp it the fuck up for the holidays.
Posted by: dogette | November 30, 2009 08:03 PM Comment:1
I feel you on Tiger Woo (as we call him and I don't know why) - I love love love to curse and its the worst thing about kids- the not being able to curse at will part- I *heart* the Monday stab lists - they make me feel warm and fuzz inside. The pet thing- just horrible. I have forbidden the Little Dog from aging- pah! she has defied me and now sports white on her muzzle... sigh.. stab... sigh...
Posted by: zombie mom | November 30, 2009 10:09 PM Comment:2
My good Catholic upbringing is telling me not to laugh when I read your posts, but I just can't help it. I am going to HELL, by golly, HELL! I am GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY! But at least I know I'll be laughing in hell, 'cause girlfriend, you'll be right beside me. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Posted by: pat | November 30, 2009 10:49 PM Comment:3
The latest batch of "price adjustments" from Evil Fucking Bank and Trust Co. (Member FDIC) has nothing to do with whether your credit is sublime or sucky; they simply want more money in these "difficult times."
They should all "accidentally" lurch up against Laura's dagger.
Posted by: CGHill | December 1, 2009 12:21 AM Comment:4
RE: COW-workers with illnesses -- I'm thinking that keeping a can of Lysol (or similar) handy, and madly spraying it in their direction *might* clue them in to TAKE THEIR GERMY ASSES THE FUCK HOME and STAY THERE!
Last-minute buy-everything-you-need-for-a-feast dolts deserve to be stabbed, but only if it inflicts maximum pain and maximum bleeding (so they fall out of line).
If/when I find a celebrity that gives a rat's patootie about me, I'll start exhibiting interest in THEIR personal lives.
Posted by: Dave Merriman | December 1, 2009 12:41 AM Comment:5
#3 - Yes, please do -- stab that one till it stops moving, then stab it a few more times for good measure. Thank you!
Cussing is good for you. FACT. So is chocolate. If it were not for those two things, I would never make it from one day to the next.
Posted by: felicity | December 1, 2009 03:09 AM Comment:6
I like how the holidays bring out the sock full of quarters. I can picture you swinging the sock in one hand and wielding a knife in the other. It should be on your Christmas cards this year.
Posted by: Joe the Blog Stalker | December 1, 2009 07:27 AM Comment:7
LOVE the sock full of quarters to the face!
OMG- The Hills sucks. People would pay big money to watch you slam and stab those losers I bet.
Posted by: Jennifer | December 1, 2009 07:35 AM Comment:8
Yes, nice holiday touch with the sock of quarters smack down.
I feel your pain on all of these. I too had to venture into a grocery store the day before Thanksgiving. I wanted to stab them all with their giant carts of turkey and frozen pies.
Posted by: Mark in IT | December 1, 2009 07:41 AM Comment:9
Poor J. He always makes your list one way or another.
Posted by: mary beth | December 1, 2009 09:37 AM Comment:10
I wholeheartedly endorse this stab/quartersock list.
My credit cards didn't up my rates (as many were already astronomical...) but they did take away any fixed rates that I had and made them all variable with astronomical percentages added to get the variable rate. I was under the impression that it had to do with federal regulations recently enacted. All I know is as soon as these are paid off, they are getting cut to ribbons. Stabbed even.
Posted by: Nicole | December 1, 2009 09:45 AM Comment:11
I agree with everybody!
Posted by: Schrodinger's Other Cat | December 1, 2009 12:54 PM Comment:12
This list is perfect. See for that.. I would have gotten up and changed the channel.. two hours of those fake douchey people?? Couldn't do it.
I agree about the pet thing :(
Posted by: Lex | December 1, 2009 01:35 PM Comment:13