Some people would argue that making a stab list every
week isn't what a normal person would do and they're
right, it's what an awesome person would do
I had a busy weekend. I saw New Moon, which was excellent. At some point during the weekend I started watching True Blood season one episodes. I now feel like I'm a vampire expert which prepares me for a high paying, fulfilling career as much as my degree in art. This means, not so much. And that makes me want to start stabbing.
1. Recording artists who won't sell their music on iTunes. I'm pointing at you, Bob Seger. Dude, you've got to be like 100 years old by now. You'll need the money for new body parts. Just ask that thievin' Steve Jobs. Release your songs already.
2. The cashier at the grocery store on Sunday. After ringing up all but 3 of my items, the computer froze and she had to reboot. I had a full cart of items bagged and I understand these things happen and I told her "no problem" when she said it could take ten minutes to reboot. She then kept apologizing over and over and over and over. I finally just picked up a magazine and tried to ignore her. She kept apologizing. In my mind, I climbed over the conveyer belt counter thingy said "sorry" and stabbed her. Over and over and over.
3. Bella Swan in the Twilight series. Don't get me wrong, I love the books and the movies, but I so want to stab the shit out of Bella and all her whiny teen angst bullshit. She's so emo. STAB.
4. The lady at the bookstore who had a little kid with her and was talking so loudly in a cutsie little kid voice. I noticed she wasn't even looking at the kid while she was jabbering. It was like she wanted to impress people around her by how "sweet" she was talking to her kid. Uggh. You just looked simple-minded. And I think even your kid was embarrassed for you.
5. Old people in big cars in parking lots. I won't even explain why they need to be stabbed because I am certain everyone knows.
6. Everybody who reports on or anybody who gives a shit that Oprah is going to stop doing her show. I think you lost touch with your target audience after making that first billion. Go away already.
Comments
I am so with you on point number 5. Let's shoot them all and put them out of our misery.
Posted by: Tracey | November 23, 2009 08:13 PM Comment:1
I would add everyone associated with the vampire-tween-hearthrob industry.
Posted by: J | November 23, 2009 09:47 PM Comment:2
I watched a Self-Checkout terminal rebooting the other day. Windows, of course. I suspect the store's tech guys were a tad stabby at the time.
Posted by: CGHill | November 23, 2009 10:25 PM Comment:3
Stab list: works for me. How soon can we start?
As has been observed over on TND: fuck oprah (no, I'm not even going to give her the initial capitalization on her name).
Posted by: Dave Merriman | November 23, 2009 11:12 PM Comment:4
Thank you!
Posted by: Doni | November 24, 2009 12:28 AM Comment:5
Yeah, why aren't Bob Seger's songs for sale??
Posted by: Jennifer | November 24, 2009 07:03 AM Comment:6
Old people in big cars period. No matter where they are. They are dangerous.
Posted by: Joe the Blog Stalker | November 24, 2009 09:46 AM Comment:7
To add another dimension to the emo-tween-Twilight stabbiness, I found this comment over at It Made My Day:
My job at the cinema was to prevent people from hugging the “New Moon” poster. IMMD
Posted by: Schrodinger's Other Cat | November 24, 2009 01:53 PM Comment:8
You wouldn't want to be around here in the winter with all the snow birds, then. When you describe someone, just about everyone here is "gray haired", except for a handful of people, including MOI. Does an old person driving a big honking truck count? LOL! Jim's still pretty alert for an old fella! We just have to watch out for the people on scooters!
Posted by: pat | November 24, 2009 02:59 PM Comment:9
As we are fond of saying over at my site -- and I'm going from memory here, so bear with me -- "fuck Oprah!"
Seger is workin' on his night moves, and obviously it isn't going so well.
I liked True Blood (watched it all on DVD, end to end). But I did laugh every time I heard Bill say "Sookie" because it sounded like "Sucky." I know he's an 'amazing' British actor playing a Southern-accented vampire and all, but still, it was distracting to me.
I hate people talking to kids in any tone of voice but especially that boo-boo talk or whatever the fuck it is. Someday I'm going to snap and say, all sing-songy, "Would you like to shutsy-upsy now fucksy-wucksy?" or something like that and no one is going to realize I was being CUTE and I'll be arrested or something.
Posted by: dogette | November 25, 2009 08:32 AM Comment:10
Even better than stabbing Steve Jobs, buy your mp3 music at Amazon.com - cheaper, no copy protection and sampled at a higher bitrate (better quality).
Love your blog and look forward to the new project.
Posted by: The Oracle | November 28, 2009 04:10 PM Comment:11