Fetch My Flying Monkeys

This morning I was watching the national news before work and one of the stories I caught was about China. It was about how their economy is booming and how enterprising Chinese are getting rich. They were interviewing different Chinese business people and every one of them said, "We want to defeat the Americans." This of course was in the context of beating their competition in whatever enterprise they were in.

Yeah. Sure.

Wake up, people! China wants to take over. FACT. How do I know this to be a fact? It's not because I read about how much we owe them or how reliant we are on their cheap exports that I've drawn this conclusion. Oh no. I know this to be true because of my addiction to MSG. That's right; I know this from my Chinese lunches. Let me explain-

Step One: Deflate Your Enemy's Morale.

This week I have ordered Chinese food for lunch twice from a great little Chinese restaurant that delivers. Both times I got General Tso Chicken. It is delicious. I could not help it. Don't judge. This dish comes in a small single serving container, yet they put two forks in the bag, as if to say "Hey fatass, there's enough food here for two people." Then they toss in two sad pieces of broccoli on top of the meat. This says "Hey future by-pass recipient, here's your total vegetable intake for the month, that is IF you accidently eat it."

You may think I'm exaggerating or making this shit up, or that I'm paranoid. Yeah well, okay, I'm a little paranoid, but look at the fortunes that came in my cookies.

Step Two: Instill Fear.

"A distant relative will phone you soon."

Great. Now I'm supposed to come up with bail money and/or attorney fees. That's the only reason a distant relative would call.

Step Three: Instill Complete Dependency and Acceptance.

"Be magnanimous, be trustful, be hopeful and be patient."

Yeah, right China. This is an attempt to make us compliant; to become Borg-like drones for their collective.

Step Four: Complete Assimilation.

Now look at the Chinese words they are attempting to teach us:

Egg roll and ice cream. Nothing but food items. This is for after the take-over and Chinese is the only language spoken. All we'll be able to do is order more food that will keep us fat and sluggish and hungry again an hour later.

Well, fuck you China and the yak you rode in on! You'll never take me alive you commie red bastards!

Oh, hold up. Friday's special is Sesame Chicken.

Resistance is futile.