It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets
the hose again
Since February is the month of love and heart disease, I thought I'd take a journey back to OkCupid.com and take another look around for you folks. I personally have a man already, but I don't mind screening men on the internets for the single ladies out there that need a Valentine's Day date.
Today we have "Sam." I don't know what his name really is, but we shall call him "Sam." This is the first pic he has posted.
Okay, not so bad. He's in some kind of stock car. What an adventurer! Don't even start thinking about that movie "Death Proof." You know the one-
Sam gives us a little insight:
Let's see, we have a serial killer drifter, a paranoid schizophrenic someone who thinks the government is crazy and he wants you to live the way you want before he murders you you die. How sweet!
Well, he's good at removing interior locks on cars, luring victims via computers, building steel cages and strangling and skinning you so he can wear your skin good with his hands. Oh yeah, and raping your skinned corpse sex apparently. Ooo lala! What a man! He was even so kind as to show you where your remains will lay in a shallow grave he may take you for a date. How considerate and romantic!
I'm sure he's exaggerating. I'm sure he meant homicidal maniac intense eyes. And I'm assuming "rough around the edges" means scarred from past victims scratching at them crows feet from the sun and laughter!
Now let's take a gander at the last pic he posted, shall we?
WHAT THE FUCK?!
OH HELL NO!
Oh, and he's a sportsman. How virile!
Umm, so in conclusion, if you'd like a Valentine's Day date this year and want a little terror excitement in your life, it looks like Son of Sam would be a good date. Just keep him away from your chickens. Sam may not be for everyone, especially women that want to live, but I HIGHLY recommend him for a few of my co-workers.
He gets a 2 out of 10 Valentine's bear rating for the rest:
Comments
After 20 years of knowing you, this is the funniest shit yet.
Love ya!
Posted by: Gargs | February 5, 2009 09:21 PM Comment:1
OMFG... too funny
Posted by: Old Fart | February 5, 2009 09:48 PM Comment:2
this is by far the funniest thing I've read in a while...wow!
Posted by: Kansas Sity Sinic | February 5, 2009 10:07 PM Comment:3
Wow, are those chickens? Feral chickens, wtf? I've got to agree with everyone , way funny!
Posted by: midtown miscreant | February 6, 2009 12:23 AM Comment:4
Funniest.Thing.Ever. Adding the clip for the stock car was hysterical! And I love the teddy bears!
Posted by: Jennifer | February 6, 2009 05:34 AM Comment:5
Thanks for the laugh! And the title is pure genius! And when did you add that About Me page? It rocks too.
Posted by: William | February 6, 2009 06:20 AM Comment:6
I always thought Stephen King had a seriously warped childhood to be able to write the macabre, sinister, ass-puckering things he has written.
You're right up there.
You scare me.
Posted by: dangerousdaisy | February 6, 2009 04:44 PM Comment:7
Stephen King, warped childhood? Ha! Ha! This is satire not horror! This post is hysterical! You're anything but King-like, you're more Lucille Ball- like! (and I know you in "for reals" life so I can say that!) But you scare me too with that world domination talk! hahaha! Keep 'em coming!
Posted by: Amy | February 6, 2009 06:11 PM Comment:8
Elmer Fudd wants a date and he knows just how to impress the ladies (say the word "ladies" like Barry White for full effect).
Very very funny post.
Posted by: J | February 6, 2009 08:11 PM Comment:9
I'm about to go all Asperger's on you.
The man can't spell or craft a fifth grade sentence. I would never haven got past the first "i" in that ball of verbal excrement to even look at the dead chickens. (seriously)
Any women willing to date this dumb hump needs to have their baby maker permanently yanked.
Posted by: daphne | February 8, 2009 10:37 PM Comment:10