Fetch My Flying Monkeys tag:,2010:/1 2010-09-02T09:57:14Z Movable Type 3.2ysb5-20051201 This story is not only true but it's full of suspense,drama, and spiders. I can't believe how many damnspider stories I have. It's like I live in the land ofspiders, oh, and shitty sticks and assassins. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3604 2010-09-02T09:00:54Z 2010-09-02T09:57:14Z So I was sitting at my desk yesterday wondering if Eric was going to live on True Blood working and I heard my co-worker next door girly scream. I asked what was up and she yelled "A SPIDER!" and I... Laura So I was sitting at my desk yesterday wondering if Eric was going to live on True Blood working and I heard my co-worker next door girly scream. I asked what was up and she yelled "A SPIDER!" and I heard things getting flung around and more girly screaming. Being the quick thinker that I am, I grabbed my stick. I bet you're wondering what stick, aren't you? Well, one of my other co-workers reads this blog (Hi! I promise those cupcakes I brought in didn't really have ground glass sprinkles on them and I promise if someone in a black trench coat comes in shooting I won't point you out as a potential target from under my desk!) and she brought me a South Carolina Stick for scientifical stick science purposes and I kept it at my desk.

S.C. Stick

So my co-worker was screaming and I grabbed my stick and I went over to her. She pointed towards a little spot and yelled "SPIDER! KILL IT!" all hysterical like. I looked down and saw a wee little spider, like the Gary Coleman of spiders, nothing like the Satan spiders at my house. She was still girly screaming and I started to laugh. Then she started to cry, honest to God cry, and was all "I HATE SPIDERS! BOOHOO!" I said "It's cool, I'll kill it" but it was in a weird location where I really couldn't step on it so I took my stick and went to apply stick science and flick it on the floor and then my stick broke and I screamed "OH MY GOD! MY STICK BROKE!" all dramatical and she let out another girly scream and then I let out a girly scream (I love getting caught up in drama, ya'll) and she started crying more and was begging me to kill it. I looked down and the spider had moved and I couldn't find it. I dramatically yelled "OH MY GOD IT GOT AWAY!" and she screamed a scream at an even higher octave. Then I saw it and I flicked it again with one of the halves of my stick and it jumped! So I yelled "OH MY GOD IT'S A JUMPING SPIDER!" (like jumping made them ninjas) and she ran out the door, knocking over files and papers, and ran down the hall doing that insect heebie jeebie dance. Then I saw it on the floor and I applied shoe science to it.

After it was all over, people came over and started asking what all the commotion was. We announced it was the deadliest of spider species and that we barely escaped with our lives. "Just look at my stick! LOOK AT IT!" I exclaimed and held up the two pieces.

Stick Failure

They looked at each other, then looked at us, rolled their eyes all smirky-like then turned and went back to their desks.

I mentally painted a bullseye on all of them. Those bitches are definitely getting pointed out.

]]> I am too tired to think of a fitting title so I'm just goingto go with "George Clooney is my lover" because it justfeels right. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3584 2010-09-01T09:00:51Z 2010-09-01T08:58:30Z I suffer from insomnia about every three to four months or so. It's horrible. If you've never had it you need to thank whatever God you worship. I go for weeks with sleeping, maybe if I'm lucky, four hours a... Laura I suffer from insomnia about every three to four months or so. It's horrible. If you've never had it you need to thank whatever God you worship. I go for weeks with sleeping, maybe if I'm lucky, four hours a night, but it's usually more like three. Some nights zero. I've tried the big sleeping aids like Ambien and Lunesta and they suck. Oh sure they knocked me out in the beginning but then the weirdness began to happen. I'd forget how I got to work in the mornings, I mean zero recollection of the drive and once on Ambien I woke up with my clothes still on, well, one leg was outside my jeans and apparently I had shaved it. One leg. I know. What the fuck? Anyway, I had to stop with the meds and just learn to deal with it best I can. Being an insomniac makes you a zombie. You're super, super tired but sleep doesn't come so you just run on auxiliary batteries you never knew you had, and you look at the world through a haze of exhaustion and a constant low buzzing sound in your ears, and you just function on auto pilot hoping you don't kill anyone because even with a bulbous head, you know you're way too pretty for prison. A plus side to insomnia is you have more time to think of ways to aggravate your pets.

Jack
]]> I'm in the middle of a bout of insomnia and I don't findmuch funny except for my friend Richelle. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3585 2010-08-31T09:00:27Z 2010-08-31T08:56:27Z No one can make me laugh harder than my friend Richelle. Seriously, I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard every time we talk. I'm thinking about spotlighting some of the shit she says on this blog.... Laura No one can make me laugh harder than my friend Richelle. Seriously, I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard every time we talk. I'm thinking about spotlighting some of the shit she says on this blog. She doesn't blog or tweet or Facebook because as she puts it "Girl, when I'm pissed I don't blog my feelings, I cuss the bitch out then I take a damn nap."

Today she called me from work because she was frustrated with her co-workers. Richelle is the only African-American at a medium size company and apparently her co-workers aren't around many black people, so she has some of the most hilarious work stories ever. This was one of our conversations today:

Me: "Hello?"

Richelle: "I am so sick of people asking how old my daughter is and what school she goes to."

Me: "You don't have kids."

Richelle: "Exactly."

Me: "Then what in the hell are you talking about?"

Richelle: "They have a bulletin board in the break room where all the ladies post a picture of their kids or grandkids and one of the ladies here has a bi-racial granddaughter and they put her pic up and now everyone comes up to me asking me about my daughter."

Me: laughs "Do you tell them she's not yours?"

Richelle: "No. I re-named her and tell them she goes to Dreher."

Me: "No you didn't!" laughing

Richelle: "The hell I didn't. Everything black belongs to Richelle here. Any black man that walks in the place they're all 'Oh Richelle is he cute?' Like I'm their black male meter."

Me: "NO!" laughs

Richelle: "Yes! I'm thinking 'Bitch if you don't think he's cute, he probably isn't, so stop asking me if every black man is cute or not.' Oh, and here's the best part- they then try to hook me up with EVERY black man that walks in the office, including the janitor!"

Me: laughs hysterically

Richelle: "I can't be talking to you when you're like this. I gotta go. I have to go to HR and change the number of dependents on my withholdings and make a hair appointment for my baby girl, Shaniqua."

]]> While watching my boo, George Clooney, get hisHumanitarian Award last night at the Emmys all I couldthink was "I hope I don't run out of these pins I'musing on his WHORE'S voodoo doll I made." tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3575 2010-08-30T09:00:16Z 2010-08-30T10:42:12Z My weekend was filled with a lot of screaming, hair pulling, death threats, and tears. Yes, I went clothes shopping. Jesus Christ. It's still almost 100 degrees outside and there's nothing in the stores but winter wear. What. The. Hell.... Laura My weekend was filled with a lot of screaming, hair pulling, death threats, and tears. Yes, I went clothes shopping. Jesus Christ. It's still almost 100 degrees outside and there's nothing in the stores but winter wear. What. The. Hell. And OH MY GOD, it was like EVERY store thought "Well it's the end of August, Fall must be here!" so they had their AC turned down or off and there I was misjudging my size again, because in my head I'm super thin and tall and smart with lots of friends, and as I struggled pulling jeans over my thighs the sweat started pouring off of me under the blinding cellulite-enhancing fluorescent lights. I finally just said "Fuck It" and went home and cried into a bag of Cheetos while sitting in front of a fan wearing my oversized "Frankie Goes To Hollywood" t-shirt and my elastic waistband pajama shorts and watched a movie the Internet told me to.

So I rented Kick-Ass and it was an okay movie. It is nothing like you'd expect it to be from the previews. I thought it would be about a bunch of do-gooders getting together to play super heroes with a lot of slap-stick comedy thrown in. It may have had a tad of that but mostly it was about a mentally deranged guy, Big Daddy, played by Nicholas Cage, whom I have loved since Raising Arizona (LOVED that movie), who's hell-bent on revenge. He trains and brainwashes his daughter, Hit Girl, to be his side-kick and they go after the dude who years earlier framed Big Daddy and sent him to prison. Hit Girl was clearly the star of this movie and the best/most disturbing part of it was watching this little ten year old slaughtering people with glee. I think she was ten, I don't know anything about kids and I'm too lazy to google it. Also you get to see an adult kicking her ass. Do not watch this movie if the line between movie world and real world is blurry for you and you're all sensitive about watching a crazy-ass murderous little kid get beat up. You rarely witness this kind of child violence in American film, but it really should be shown more often. I personally would pay extra to see a child punched out in every film. Oh hush, I kid, I kid. Or do I?

Anyway, for not really developing any of the characters enough for us to really give a shit what happens to them I give it two Ed Crying On Account She Can't Have No Baby:

Crying Holly Crying Ed

And for its gratuitous violence and cursing and showing a ten (?) year old psycho kid getting punched in the face repeatedly I give it three Baby in the Highway, which means "pretty cool":

Baby in Road Baby in Road Baby in Road  

]]> Why does the work week seem so damn painfully longbut every time I turn around I'm doing another RandomFriday Crap list? Riddle me that. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3564 2010-08-27T09:00:21Z 2010-08-27T10:19:22Z This week was boring and kind of sucked, but I think you all know me well enough to know that a suck-ass boring time never stopped me from finding something to blog about, so here's some things that weren't boring... Laura This week was boring and kind of sucked, but I think you all know me well enough to know that a suck-ass boring time never stopped me from finding something to blog about, so here's some things that weren't boring and didn't suck:

Random Friday Crap

1. Richelle wants to go to another psychic. I told her she's on her own, but she keeps whining about it. I told her I'd only go again if I went armed and now she's all "Oh shit no, you'll shoot them if they say you're gonna have a kid." And I'm all, "It will be justifiable homicide." So at this point I don't know what we're doing.

2. I want to thank everyone who voted for my sexy Daily Babe boudoir picture at Fountain Abbey. I'm still waiting to hear if I won anything. I mean, who the hell shows that much skin for free? Gah.

3. Mr. Bingley at The Coalition Of The Swilling made a Circus Peanut Pie to cheer me up since I haven't gone to California yet. Take a gander at this baby:

Circus Peanut Pie

Mmmm. I would eat half of this pie, lay on my couch with a cool, wet washcloth on my head for a few hours to recover, then get up and eat more. Circus Peanuts are my crack. Thanks Mr. Bingley, you're now just like a crack dealer but not.

4. I get a lot of email from readers who send me pics or articles of things they think I'll like. I love hearing from you guys, so keep 'em coming. I had several readers send me this next item and even facebooked it on my wall. Is facebook a verb even? It is now. So I took it as an omen and ordered it:

Goats in Trees

How awesome is that? Pretty damn awesome.

5. I plan on drinking this weekend. And because I make poor choices when I'm drinking, I am asking you all to take my lame-ass poll and choose a movie for me to watch and review while I'm drunk dialing my exes.

]]> To quote one of my friends, "You are both disturbingand amusing." Maybe that's why psychics want tomurder me. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3559 2010-08-26T09:00:41Z 2010-08-26T10:13:18Z Recently, I told you about the different birds of prey going after Jack, right? Don't worry, I walk out with him now, and no, he doesn't wear his lion suit. Well, it appears our squirrel population has gone down considerably... Laura Recently, I told you about the different birds of prey going after Jack, right? Don't worry, I walk out with him now, and no, he doesn't wear his lion suit. Well, it appears our squirrel population has gone down considerably since the appearance of the raptors. This is a good thing. We had too many squirrels and a few tried to eat their way into my attic. Fuckers. Also appearing at about the same time was a mysterious ice cream truck. Now this isn't a regular looking ice cream truck all brightly colored and cheery. No, this is like a pedo-truck of horror that clunks along with spray painted windows in the back, half of the body painted with grey primer and hand painted pictures of ice cream cones on it. Warped spooky circus music plays from what sounds like broken speakers as it prowls down the street. Now the thing I really wanted to tell you is, since the appearance of the ice cream truck, I haven't seen many kids in the neighborhood. That's right. So raptors show up and the squirrels are gone, and then a creepy ice cream pedo-truck appears and the children are gone. Maybe I won't move after all.

P.S. J just called and said I haven't seen the kids because school started and that I shouldn't be writing that children are being abducted by a creepy ice cream pedo-truck because normal people get upset if they think kids are being abducted and that he really shouldn't have to tell me this but I always get out of control with my stories. He also said he saw the ice cream truck and it wasn't that creepy looking and that it only had a small patch of primer on it. Gah. It's like he's blind sometimes.

P.P.S. J also told me that I am not seeing the squirrels because the days are getting shorter and they were nesting, not that the birds ate them all. Then I asked him why he hated raptors so. "Is it because eagles are raptors and eagles represent freedom, Mister Ice Cream Truck/Squirrel Scientist?" He sighed, then hung up on me.

P.P.P.S Here's an exact replica of that creepy ice cream pedo-truck. I photoshopped the driver in. It looks just like it except the tires have more air and there's more primer and less rust and more pictures of ice cream on it and it may be a little whiter, but the driver looks the same except less make-up and he may or may not have red hair:

Creepy Ice Cream Van

P.P.P.P.S. And, J, here's a picture of FREEDOM:

Bald Eagle

IN. YOUR. FACE.

]]> For forty-five dollars I should have gotten some peyoteor at least my hair braided. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3552 2010-08-25T09:00:23Z 2010-08-25T10:14:00Z Saturday morning Richelle picked me up to go to the psychic. On the way there she said it was an Indian Psychic that her cousin's second husband's sister goes to and that he's so good he told her she was... Laura Saturday morning Richelle picked me up to go to the psychic. On the way there she said it was an Indian Psychic that her cousin's second husband's sister goes to and that he's so good he told her she was going to have a baby and she did. Richelle's cousin's second husband's sister that is, not Richelle. And I was all, "He'd better not tell me I'm going to have a baby. I don't want to see some baby psychic." And Richelle was all, "No, girl. He's good. He'll know you're barren and hateful." And I told Richelle she could go ahead and pay me now because I could see her future and it involved me kicking her ass. This continued all the way there, and by "there" I mean down a dirt road to a mobile home right next to the Congaree Swamp. "Jesus Christ," I said to Richelle, "I think I saw the name 'Serial Killer' on his mailbox." She laughed, and I laughed back, but as soon as we entered his home I wished I had come strapped. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe a room full of people waiting to go back behind a pair of beaded curtains. What I saw was a huge Indian dude with a long braid down his back sitting in a recliner eating Ramen noodles and watching the Disney channel with no one else around.

Richelle went first, going with Chief Ramen to the kitchen table. I sat there pretending I was watching Hannah Montana or some such Disney bullshit, but I was actually mentally planning my escape should the need arise. I slipped my cell phone out of my pocket and held it in my hand so that I could dial for help real fast and then maybe use it as a weapon. Yeah, I was sure an iPhone upside a 300 pound homicidal psychic Indian's head would do some real damage. Damn you Steve Jobs for not making a brick app.

All I kept thinking was, "Please don't kill us, please don't kill us" and then I told myself to stop thinking that in case he could read my mind and it would make him spring into action faster. Wait, I thought, he's a psychic not a mind-reader. Then I thought if I hear Richelle scream I'll run for the door real quick (Richelle would be on her own for making that barren and hateful remark) but he'd probably use his psychic powers to hold the doors shut and then have vases and shit fly across the room and slam into me. But then I thought "No, wait that was Carrie." "Burn me with fire?" No that was Drew Barrymore. I was sitting there thinking what a psychic serial killer's power would be when Richelle walked back in and Chief Ramen said it was my turn.

I sat across the kitchen table from him and he was just sitting there staring at me and I wanted to tell him I was born with this bulbous head, but he probably knew that being psychic and all. He kept staring and I was feeling uncomfortable and I wanted to open my shirt and show him my surgery scars and freckles so he wouldn't want to kill me and wear my skin because there were too many seams in it and the pattern was a bit off. But I sat there and looked back into his eyes thinking I'd use my own powers and I started mentally projecting my thoughts at him. "You do not want to murder this girl. I repeat, you do not want to murder this girl." Then he started talking about general psychic stuff, telling me things about my personality that really, could have been about anyone who is awesome, and then he told me I'd live a long time (long enough to get out of this trailer and down the road I thought) and that it would take a long time before I would be completely happy. Great. Then he asked me if I had any questions for him and I kind of went blank for a while. I finally asked him for lottery numbers and he frowned at me and said he didn't do that. I said "Oh, okay." He kept looking at me expecting another question and I was all "Fuck what do I ask him?" So I asked him "At what age will I die?" and again he said he didn't do that but that I would be old and he kept looking at me wanting more questions so I said "Will I ever be with George Clooney?" Then he looked at me like I was retarded and I thought "What the fuck Chief Ramen? I want to know. Maybe." I frowned and he started to get up and he told me I owed him $45 and I said "Oh, oh" because I had just thought of another question as I was handing him the money out of my pocket. He looked at me like "Wha?" after he took my cash and I held my left hand up and pulled the thumb back a little with my right hand and I said "My thumb hurts when I move it like that, do you know what's wrong with it?" I think at this point he really thought about murdering me, and he sighed and said "Go see a doctor." Fuck.

So basically I paid $45.00 to be told how awesome I was by an Indian. I still don't have any lottery numbers and I still don't know what the fuck is wrong with my thumb. But at least I'm alive and I ain't having any babies, so there's that at least.

]]> I once texted a picture of my cleavage to a guy I likedand he sent back a restraining order. Not really. It wasonly a cease and desist letter. I think he really liked me. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3550 2010-08-24T09:00:26Z 2010-08-26T08:41:48Z I visit a few blogs on my blogroll that post pictures of half-naked women daily or every so often. I'll open the page sometimes and my eyes are slapped senseless by saline stuffed mammary glands and airbrushed ass. I like... Laura I visit a few blogs on my blogroll that post pictures of half-naked women daily or every so often. I'll open the page sometimes and my eyes are slapped senseless by saline stuffed mammary glands and airbrushed ass. I like to read the comments on these entries because men looking at boobies are funny.

So a week or two ago I was over at Curtal Friar's Fountain Abbey and he was posting his "Daily Babe" entries and I noticed all of them posted that week were redheads. Of course me being the redheaded attention whore that I am and this being the Internet where the only thing that keeps me from having a multi-million dollar modeling contract is, well, REALITY, I had to comment that I was a redhead. Then I noticed he was having a poll on who was the sexiest babe he had posted that week and I kind of wrote my name in. I know. Sometimes I have cocktails when I read blogs.

So dude called me on it and wanted a sexy picture. Shit. But what the hell, right? I'm just as pretty as those skanks, I mean, if you kind of stand way back and hold your head to the right and squint. So I sent him a boudoir picture I used to send to George Clooney until the judge told me I had to stop just happened to have on my hard drive. At first I was all worried, thinking "I hope this doesn't turn around to bite me on the ass." You know, like one day maybe ruin my chances at running for president. But then I remembered that my world domination plans don't really involve being "voted in" so much as "taking over."

And because the Internet can be cruel, and just because I have a bulbous head doesn't mean I'm not sexy, I am asking you all to go HERE and rate my sexy boudoir picture 5 stars or more. Yes, write some extra stars in because I don't really feel that 5 stars could really represent all of my hawtness. I'm not posting my pic here because I don't want to be one of "those women" that are all "Oooo look at me and how sexy I am." Even though I totally am.

]]> I can't believe it's still so hot. I'm not a hot weatherscientist but I think we need Superman to push theworld back a tad or two from the Sun. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3543 2010-08-23T11:20:53Z 2010-08-23T10:23:09Z I got in late Sunday night, watched True Blood, then it was off to bed. Yes, I went to see a psychic this weekend and yes, there's lots to tell you, and I will, but first look at these puppies... Laura I got in late Sunday night, watched True Blood, then it was off to bed. Yes, I went to see a psychic this weekend and yes, there's lots to tell you, and I will, but first look at these puppies that were up for adoption at a local animal protection organization:

Puppies

I think Jack needs a sister. Damn those puppies and their mind numbing adorableness. Damn those evil beasts.

]]> I'm sick of taking a bullet for you guys, so I don't knowhow much longer I can do this whole "Exotic FruitTasting" thing. I think I'm going to change it to "CheapBooze Tasting" instead. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3541 2010-08-22T13:34:00Z 2010-08-22T14:46:00Z Can you believe it? A second entry in a series I started on here. I am actually doing something on here that I said I would. What the fuck? It's like I don't even know myself anymore. I'll Try It... Laura Can you believe it? A second entry in a series I started on here. I am actually doing something on here that I said I would. What the fuck? It's like I don't even know myself anymore.

I'll Try It So You Don't Have To

Today I purchased a Pitaya, also known as "Dragon Fruit."

Dragon Fruit

It's native to Central and South America but they're big in Asia. Years ago Asia ran a campaign saying in the old days dragons used to spit these out after breathing fire so they named them dragon fruit. I didn't have a dragon to photograph with it so I settled for pteranodon which is just like a dragon except not.

So I cut it like the Internet said to and spooned out some fruit.

Dragon Fruit

The best word to describe it is "meh." It wasn't sweet or bitter or anything really. I think people mostly eat it because it's supposed to be packed with antioxidants, not for any deliciousness. I'll stick to my artifically flavored Flintstones Vitamins which are delicious, especially the grape Dino ones.

I rate this dragon fruit three Opera Singers because you know you're supposed to like it and it's suppose to be good for you but it's boring as all hell and you'd rather be watching some cartoons at home in your underwear.

Opera Singer Opera Singer Opera Singer

And I give it one Crying Retarded Arnie because it cost me five dollars and I could have bought a lottery ticket with that money.

Crying Retarded Arnie

]]> I found a solution to Jack's problem of being attackedby nature. He now wears a disguise whenever he goesoutside. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3537 2010-08-21T18:19:21Z 2010-08-21T18:48:55Z Laura Jack in a Lion Hat]]> Here's some stuff that you may or may not care aboutbut will read anyway because you're at work and there'snothing better to do than read blogs until quitting time and starting your weekend binge drinking. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3528 2010-08-20T09:00:23Z 2010-08-20T10:02:08Z Random Friday Crap 1. It's not California, but plans have been made to go to New York City this fall. Some friends and I are going and we are going to BUST THAT TOWN WIDE OPEN, which translates to probably... Laura Random Friday Crap

1. It's not California, but plans have been made to go to New York City this fall. Some friends and I are going and we are going to BUST THAT TOWN WIDE OPEN, which translates to probably taking the ferry to the statue and maybe taking in a Broadway show. There will be lots of pictures and I am sure I'll make a theme of it here and you all will be "For God's sake, shut the fuck up about New York already!" But I won't.

2. Travel plans for this weekend involve my friend Richelle and I going to a psychic! Richelle is like 10 pounds of crazy in a five pound container, so this should be fun. I think I'm going to ask for lottery numbers 'cause I really don't want to know when I'm going to die...but if I knew, I could max out some credit cards...hmm...

3. If you're not doing it now ya'll should be reading the comment section on this here blog of mine. There's A LOT of great stuff in there. Here's a comment from Mel at Big Fat Nerve telling her own infamous Palmetto Bug story that made her my personal hero:

"At work downtown at nights those huge flying roaches you mention come out in the dozens, crawling around on the sidewalk and up the building. When I worked nights, they enjoyed my hair, like some kind of nest, and once in a while they would just jump off the building into my hair causing me to do that crazy dance you just described. One night I was sure one was on me even though I did the dance and nothing jumped off me, and as I went in to the elevator, I asked the guard if there was a roach in my hair or on me, and he looked and said NO. I got on the elevator and sure enough that damned thing jumped off my head onto the elevator floor. I went back down and picked the nasty thing up and threw it on the guard and screamed "NOTHING IS ON YOU" then got back on the elevator and went to work after washing my hands. He hated me after that." 

4. A friend sent me an article on the hawt actor who plays Eric Northman on True Blood, Alexander Skarsgard. Remember I added him to my pretend boyfriend list? Yeah, him. In this article the actor said he plays all his nude scenes completely nude for reals. No flesh-toned undies or cup. So now he's like only the most awesome vampire EVER.

Alexander Skarsgard

5. Yabu at Bad Bad Juju posted this song and I absolutely fell in love with it. It's Snoop Dogg's Gin and Juice performed by The Gourds, and it's been my official favorite song since I heard it. All about bitches and whores and booze and weed, sprinkled all throughout with cursing. A classic. I LURVE it. If I ever get married I want this playing as I walk down the aisle. Thanks Yabu!

6. There may or may not be blogging this weekend. And by blogging, I mean food pics or movie reviews or pictures, or whatever. It all depends on what the psychic tells me, because I may or may not have some emergency shopping to do.

]]> Nature vs. Weiner Dog tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3518 2010-08-19T09:00:02Z 2010-08-19T07:43:32Z Nature hates Jack. I'm not kidding. When he was a little pup, a hawk tried to get him. The only thing that saved him was the hawk spotting me stepping off of the porch as it dove towards him. The... Laura Nature hates Jack. I'm not kidding. When he was a little pup, a hawk tried to get him. The only thing that saved him was the hawk spotting me stepping off of the porch as it dove towards him. The hawk was less than a foot from him. This happened TWICE in his puppyhood. As he got larger I stopped worrying about him much. Then last week, another hawk went after him! He tucked his tail between his legs and ran towards me. I waved my hands and charged toward the asshole bird. It flew away.

Monday morning at oh dark thirty I let him out and as he ran ahead of me on the porch, he came face to face with an opossum! The possum immediately started snarling and hissing and Jack hightailed it and ran behind me. I took a broom and scooted the possum away. It was a juvenile, not too big. And no, I did not get a gun. I live in a city and I don't want to deal with that kind of paperwork when the possum posed no threat to me. Tuesday nature took a holiday. Then Wednesday morning I went out with him again and I saw him put on the brakes. I walked over and saw that the possum had brought back-up, an adult. He was snarling and spitting and backing up so I picked up Jack and we went in.

After work today, I took him out and as I was fooling with the herbie curbie outside the gate I heard a commotion behind me and looked and saw a mockingbird dive bombing Jack. He was trying to run for cover on the back porch but the door was closed. I once again saved his ass.

I don't know what's up with these latest developments. It reminds me too much like that scene from The Omen where the animals all went batshit when they took Damien to the zoo. All I know is, if a priest shows up at my door and asks if Jack's home, I handing him over.

Evil Jack
]]> In case some of you were wondering how I've managedto stay single all these years, I think your question isabout to get answered right here. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3517 2010-08-18T09:00:12Z 2010-08-18T08:18:04Z J lives in a in a different town. We don't live together and mostly see each other on the weekends. He's busy there, I'm busy here. During the week we talk a lot on the phone and we hang up... Laura J lives in a in a different town. We don't live together and mostly see each other on the weekends. He's busy there, I'm busy here. During the week we talk a lot on the phone and we hang up on each other a lot and laugh about it. And I like to email him. My favorite thing to email him is pictures of meals I cook, especially his favorite dishes, then a picture of an empty plate. Because that's what you do when you care about someone. You torment them.

Cupcake

This past weekend he asked me to go help him pick out a chair for his bedroom because he had a big plasma TV put up and I guess now lying in bed isn't good enough. So I told him I would, even though it was 2000 degrees outside and just walking to the car ignited my hair. I am a hermit in the summer, y'all. We were on our way to a furniture store when I spotted a Pier 1 and wanted to stop to get some kitchen gadget items. I love me some kitchen gadgets. It's a sickness. Anyway, big mistake. I nearly passed out walking across the parking lot to the store and all I could think was that I needed to be at home in front of a fan and I didn't want to be shopping anymore. So we walked into Pier 1 and I looked over and I saw some chairs and I pointed to the first one I saw and said "You need to get that chair and then we can just go home."

Animal Print Chair

J looked at it and said "That's a girl chair" and I told him he needed to stop being so sexist and to get that chair because it was cool and he said "Jesus Christ, Laura, it's not only a girl chair, but it's ugly and you just want me to get it so you can go home." I then told him that it doesn't get manlier than animal hide and that all he needed was a nice accent pillow. He was all "Yeah, an accent pillow called 'another chair.' I'm not getting that ugly chair." and then I called him a sexist cool chair hater and he was all "I knew I shouldn't have asked you to help pick out a chair." and I asked him what the hell that meant and he said something about "blah blah blah (sometimes I don't listen to all the words coming out of his mouth) you decorate with dinosaurs." I tried to act mad about the dinosaur remark so he'd take me home, but I started laughing and then I was suckered into going to the furniture store and picking out a chair. I didn't take a pic of it because it was normal and boring, but all the time we were in the furniture store looking at all the chairs, I would turn up my nose at most of them and say "Meh. It's not as nice as that cool manly chair at Pier 1."

And because I care, I've emailed him this about eight times since Sunday:

Animal Print Chair
]]> I really do wish Jesus was my co-pilot so he could takethe wheel and run everyone off the road and the policewould just give us a warning because he's like The Lordand all. tag:www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com,2010://1.3512 2010-08-17T09:00:24Z 2010-08-17T10:05:29Z I know that no one likes traffic and everyone likes to bitch about it, but I swear to God the situation here is out of control. I don't know if it was because it was the first day of... Laura
T-Rex Traffic Control

I know that no one likes traffic and everyone likes to bitch about it, but I swear to God the situation here is out of control. I don't know if it was because it was the first day of school Monday, and all the stay at home moms were on the road picking up "little Johnny" instead of passed out in front of a soap opera, but every car I encountered, and I swear most were mini vans, seemed to do one stupid thing after another. They were all pulling out in front of me, turning with no signal, crossing the center lines; it was insane and the longer I drove the more I could feel veins bulging on my bulbous forehead and my Road Tourette's reaching critical levels. No one really wants to hear a rant, and I really don't like to rant, but sometimes you just get SO ANGRY and when I get SO ANGRY there's just one thing to do- write poetry.

 

You Really Need To Learn How To Drive
A poem by Laura Ledford

You're a hazard on the road and your driving sucks

I really wish we had flying cars and trucks

But then all you assholes would be in the sky too

And I'd still have to avoid a mid-air collision with you

So I'd arm my flying car with missiles and rockets
and I'd fire them at you
and then I'd hear you scream
and then your car would explode
and I'd see your mutilated body parts
flying up in the air all singed and shit with some of them still on fire
and I'd smile
and then I'd laugh
as your flying car plummeted toward earth
and I'd do a U-turn,
but only after signaling properly,
and I'd napalm the crashed remains just to be sure
and I'd be all "Ha! Pull out in front of me again, motherfucker!"
and I'd keep laughing remembering the look on your face
as you saw my rockets rapidly approaching your flying soccer mommy van
and I'd hold it as one of my most treasured special memories
forever and ever and ever.

Napalm
]]>