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Pool Closed Until Further Notice. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

GOOD. LORD.

Know what those bumps on the ass-end of that gigantic fucking spider in MY POOL are? Those are babies. That’s right. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of baby spiders. IN. MY. POOL. Satan’s Henchmen. Wolf spiders they’re officially called and they are huge. Here’s a picture I found on the interwebs to give you an idea of their size, because I sure as hell wasn’t about to hold it:

We can only assume this person is dead now. RIP, dumbass.

This is what I get for bragging about not seeing any Palmetto Bugs this year. Motherfuckin’ Wolf spiders. Oh, and when I researched them to see if they had any weaknesses I found this:

The Carolina wolf spider (H. carolinensis) is the Official State Spider of South Carolina. Designated as such in 2000, South Carolina is the only U.S. state that recognizes a state spider.

That’s right. I live in and bought my dream house in the only state that has A FUCKING STATE SPIDER. Oy.

Now excuse me while I go google ‘Flamethrower for sale’ and upgrade my homeowner’s policy.

64 Comments
 

64 Responses to Pool Closed Until Further Notice.

  1. Holly says:

    ARGH, I would be moving out of there so fast!!!

  2. Cheri says:

    Thanks!!! Now I have the flaming heebiejeebies!!!

  3. The only thing that can possibly make this any worse is if the spider babies have rabies.

    Then you are screwed.

  4. Oddybobo says:

    The chlorine didn’t kill them?? You need more chlorine… ;)

    • Laura says:

      It gets chem tested all the time. The only thing it seems to kill are the sweet little tree frogs. I even put in a frog log thingie to try to save them and it still doesn’t help!

  5. kym says:

    Fuck it, burn it to the ground and fill the pool with cement.

  6. kim says:

    Yeeah we could get 18 ft snow storms every year here on out and I wouldn’t move any further south. I’m right at the edge of Jurassic bug territory and that’s close enough.

    • Laura says:

      This place is like a tropical jungle with all it’s nasty-ass bugs.

      • kim says:

        Oh hell I forgot to mention Australia of course. So a few weeks back a friend posted about a giant yellow orb weaver her poor traumatized daughter found in their doorway. She posted the pic and her Australian friend was all oh honey that’s nothing and mentions their size of dinner plate spiders of course. Freakin Australia man. So since I’m clearly nuts I go google that shit so I can add to my cycle of nightmares and find giant orb weavers eating freakin birds http://youtu.be/lTUQ6nhOEs8?t=1m7s
        you know like they apparently do.
        Then my coworker’s wife was there on vacation the other week and she got a notice on her hotel door about how there were more critters inside than usual because of floods in the area and that it was safe except don’t touch the centipedes. Again I’m totally mental so I go google that shit and find once again they have the giant version of things, this time a giant centipede eating a freakin snake. I wasn’t sure who I wanted to win but I did know quickly I didn’t want to watch. So here you go in case you need a new nightmare https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooFSFR2s7Ig I’m gonna go bleach my brain now.

  7. patti says:

    kill.it.with.fire!

  8. Buttercup says:

    I once was trying to kill a wolf spider (okay…started out trying to scare it off…) with a freaking shovel! And the damned thing raised up on its hind legs and, with its front legs waving around like some freaking ninja, tried to take on the shovel. I smashed it then. End.Of.Story.

  9. Kevin says:

    time to unleash stick and fire science on their asses

  10. Suzanne says:

    LAWDY! You are in big trouble. Wikipedia says, “They are robust and agile hunters with excellent eyesight. They live mostly solitary and hunt alone. Some are opportunistic hunters pouncing upon prey as they find it or even chasing it over short distances. Some will wait for passing prey in or near the mouth of a burrow.” In short, THEY ARE KILLERS. I live in NJ, and I am making up the guest bed for you and Bobo and Jack and your murderous cats, should you chose to save them. (The only thing we are not able to murder in NJ is deer. All other wildlife has succumbed to the pollution and hoards of people.)

  11. Diana says:

    Ya know, the reason you haven’t seen any palmetto bugs is probably because of those wolf spiders. They love to suck the guts out of big insects like roaches. And they prefer to live their life away from humans. They are solitary hunters and they sure as hell don’t want to take on something as large as a human. They are like the T-Rexes of the insect world. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolf_spider

    You don’t need to move, just make certain it keeps to its territory and you should enjoy years of palmetto-bug free existence at your beautiful home.

  12. Maxine says:

    I’m in northern Florida and we’ve got these little bastards all over. I hollered for the hubby to come kill one last week and told him to bring the gun. He thought I was kidding. He came outside – took a look at it – and went back inside to get the gun. No shit.

  13. SB Smith says:

    Ewww.
    The wolf spiders here are big also, but kind of sluggish and easy to sneak up on with a fly swatter. One good Whack and they’re on the floor (from the wall)…and a few more good smacks and they’re dead….
    Did you know that scorpions (who are in the spider family) have live birth little ones ? All the baby scorpions swarm on mom’s back and live there awhile….Her back will look like it’s moving around and then you realize it’s swarming w/ baby scorpions !
    Hope you can eradicate those wolf spiders…and they aren’t protected by some weird state law.
    In TX it’s illegal to disturb a Mockingbrd nest – them being the state bird and all.

    • Laura says:

      I LOVE my mockingbirds. They have the prettiest songs (because they steal everyone else’s) and they keep me company in the yard. I set out special suet for them. And by special suet- they love cherry. So do the woodpeckers.

  14. Alison says:

    Shit, those things used to live in our mail & paper boxes on the country road where I grew up. They’d ride halfway up the driveway on the News-Herald before popping out, and I’d flip my shit and scatter paper everywhere.

    But, I have to say, Diana’s right. More Satanspawn = fewer six-legged invaders. Make your choice.

  15. Janie Jones says:

    Know what I learned this summer on Leif’s farm? Among other things, we get the Bigfoot of the wolf spider world up here in the Great White North. I had never seen wolf spiders so big before in my entire life. On account of our extremely long cold winters, I didn’t know we could even get such big spiders up here. They are so big they become something more than a creepy crawly you quickly stomp the crap out of, I’m actually afraid to stomp on or smash them that they’ll leave a huge mess on my shoe/floor/wall. And worse yet, I’m afraid that if I miss they’ll leap onto me, doing that whole rearing up meanacingly thing. I don’t want to find out the hard way I’m allergic to wolf spider venom.

    Plus, as much as I hate to admit it, Diana is right. Wolf spiders eat other even more undesirable insects. So I’ve actually taken to catching them and releasing them outside. I’m not totally crazy though, I’d never catch them with my bare hands. I have a spider catching kit now. I get the biggest bowl I can, slam it down on the spider, slide a big piece of cardboard under it and scoop ‘em up inside the bowl/cardboard.

    I haven’t missed yet, but I am convinced that missing would be far less disastrous than a botched assassination attempt. A spider can’t be nearly so pissed at my attempting to relocate it as it would be if I had actually tried to kill it, so it wouldn’t want to attack me after a botched attempt. But just in case I’m wrong I have a fool proof back up plan in place for when I eventually miss: scream like a little girl, run the opposite direction like the dickens, and not return to the house for at least a week.

    • Laura says:

      And don’t forget to set the house on fire because they will recruit help from their friends to get revenge. Also note that you can step on a momma and her thousands of babies will run out, thus starting that whole screaming like a girl thing again.

  16. Tina says:

    At night, after dark, take a flashlight out into the yard and shine it across your lawn…see all those tiny, sparkly lights in the lawn? Those are the spider eyes being caught in the light of the flashlight. We have these same spiders in Texas. To my knowledge they have not been named as the state spider. However, since we are in Texas and everything is bigger in Texas ours are the size of small mice.

  17. Misty says:

    We have them here, but the state spider? Really?! I feel for you.

  18. Spiders are your friends. Who do you think ate all the palmetto bugs?

  19. Nicole says:

    Oh, ewwww… Babies. Brrrr. Flamethrower is indeed the correct response. And state w/ official state spider is officially a do not visit state

  20. The Queen says:

    If we lived closer I would send Pirate Redbeard over. He has had no choice but to become Spider Killer Extrordinaire!

  21. glen says:

    I hereby officially retract my offer to have my plants visit your pool! I do extend an offer to share the phone number of a marginally legal business address that rents flamethrowers.

  22. rick says:

    They are actually quite cuddly of you give them the chance.

  23. Harbqll says:

    I just saw on the cover of the National Enquirer at Walmart that George (C)Looney just got caught cheating on his old lady. Looks like you dodged a bullet with that one, yes?

  24. Mark12A says:

    Don’t be such a girl. Hit the little motherfucker with your croc. If it splashes on you, just jump in the pool to wash off.

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