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Hoping my luck holds out. | Fetch My Flying Monkeys
Everyone needs a fleet of flying monkeys to rip the stuffing out of the annoying people in their lives
— Laura

I don’t want to jinx it, but I’m dying to tell it so here it goes- I have not seen a Palmetto Bug in my house or on my property all summer. I know, right? It’s like a miracle. This is the first summer I’ve lived in the South that I have not seen one of those unholy, diabolical creatures. And if you’re just tuning in and have no idea what I’m talking about, a Palmetto Bug is a cutesy term for giant motherfucking flying cockroaches that are all over the damn place in hot, muggy climates, aka- The South.

Without a doubt, the person holding these nasty sonsabitches was insane and murdered by them shortly after this photo was taken. RIP, Crazy Person.

The only good thing you can say about them is that they prefer living outdoors. BUT they will sneak in for water. The worst thing you can say about them, and oh my God there are so many bad things to say about them, is that they want you dead. When they sneak in for water they will try to murder you and your entire family. Whenever they are spotted, be it indoors or out, and you try to smash them with like a brick or an axe because shoes and swatters don’t work, those motherfuckers will FLY AT YOUR FACE so that you’ll flail your arms and beat your hands against your head until you have rendered yourself unconscious. Then, of course, while you’re unconscious they will murder you and move on to your family. All of this is FACT. I’m pretty sure. Well, I may have read it somewhere. Or dreamt it. It’s not important. What is important is I haven’t seen any *KNOCK ON WOOD* and I owe it all to my exterminator who came out early this past spring to spray the house. When I asked him to treat the outdoors for Palmetto Bugs, that I didn’t want to even see one within a mile of my property, he dumped a shit-ton of insecticide pellets all over outside even though he said under contract they could only treat a few feet from the house. Thank you, Mr. Exterminator. Now I just hope none mutated from my Chernobyl yard and seek revenge next year. Fuck. Oh well, I won’t worry about that, because for now-

37 Comments
 

37 Responses to Hoping my luck holds out.

  1. patti says:

    shudder

  2. Jess says:

    Years ago, I had a friend – who probably was influenced by some substance – place numerous holes in his bedroom with a .22 rifle, while trying to kill a palmetto bug. He succeeded, but still had to sleep with one eye open…there’s never just one.

  3. Jena says:

    i had 3 funny memes to go here as comments. I couldnt remember how to post them here without linking to the shitty source.

    “brace your selves”
    “They’re here” and
    Jesse from BB “Science bitches”

    now use your imagination.
    LOL
    %… im not functioning well.

  4. Alison says:

    Yep, you’re screwed now. I didn’t know they came in looking for water, I thought they used our dwellings as convalescent homes. The only time we’d see them was when they’d come strolling out from under the couch while we were watching tv, carrying a beer and some chips on their way to the bedroom.

  5. Kevin says:

    It must be all the clean living you have been doing. You are truly blessed. Stay out of churches good shit happens to you.

  6. PolishSpring says:

    They don’t stay in the South. New York isn’t South. Those sonsabitches know no geographic boundaries.

    Luckily, my cat has waged a war on Palmetto bug terror and considers them a fair game snacking opportunity. There’s a lot of odd mrrrrouoww sounds accompanying the hunting/snacking process, which unnerves me at night, but the end result is disassembled Palmetto wings/limbs ..which as far as body parts strewn haphazardly on the floor, is an oddly comforting sight.

  7. Tina says:

    I saw one about a week ago trying to get into our house. My fierce Min Pin attacked him! And while she was keeping him busy I was able to kill it. KILL IT WITH FIRE!

    We make a good team, Stink and I!!

  8. Nikki says:

    There are FLYING cockroaches?! They EXIST?

    • Laura says:

      YES! They really do!

    • kim says:

      The little invasive German mofos adults have wings too and can fly short spurts sometimes. I inherited a bunch in my very first apartment and was walking toward the door once turned on the light and one flew at my face, still have insect issues from that. They don’t fly well though, more like chickens.

  9. Rosie says:

    There’s something on your back.

  10. SB Smith says:

    I hate it when after I’ve killed a roach, I still feel like one got on me….That applies to spiders and even scorpions, too.

  11. RegT says:

    Many years ago, I was cruising my beat in San Diego at 0-dark-thirty, and saw an intoxicated individual standing near the back door of the Denny’s restaurant, in the vicinity of the dumpsters – one of which was where they dumped their used cooking oil and grease.

    Checking his welfare, I stopped and rolled down my window to speak to him. He was standing still, and I observed a long trail of roaches going to and from the grease container. A large number of these creatures from hell were climbing up and down his legs as he stood there.

    I determined that he was a)breathing adequately, b)upright and in no immediate hazard of falling down, and c)able to articulate that he was not in need of immediate medical assistance.

    I wished him a good night, and hauled ass before the roaches brought him down, requiring me to come to his aid. (I also managed – barely – to avoid tossing my cookies.)

    • Laura says:

      OH. MY. GOD. I would have tossed my cookies, fired my weapon, probably igniting the oil and leave without filing a report. But that’s me.

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