While I was standing in the bird food/bird house section of Lowes, trying to decide if I was going to get 25 pounds of song bird seed or 20 pounds of trail seed with dried fruit an employee walked over persistently inquiring if I needed any help. This was the conversation to the best of my recollection:
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”
Me: “No. I’m just trying to decide which seed to get, but thank you.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Well, I bet I can help.”
Me: “No, that’s okay. But thanks anyway.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: “Let me help. What kind of birds are you trying to attract?”
Me: “Well to be honest I really like raptors- hawks, falcons, eagles- but my neighbors complained about me nailing squirrels to boards and setting them about the yard so I suppose I’ll just get this pansy-ass song bird stuff.”
Overly-Helpful Employee: -
Now here’s a picture of a Bald Eagle that I took at The Center for Birds of Prey. He posed for me because I was swinging a squirrel by it’s tail for him. I kid, I kid. I was swinging it from a rope attached to it’s neck.
P.S. At no time have I ever, nor will I ever, nail a squirrel to a board, or swing it by it’s tail, or from a rope around it’s neck, so don’t call PETA or some secret Squirrel Society to come egg my house or chew my wires or some crazy secret Squirrel Society shit.38 Comments
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Indeed it is a sad commentary on our times when you have to write a disclosure like that.
*searches for squirrel stew recipe*
Gotta keep the Secret Squirrel Society off my ass.
I wish I was there to see the response. Too fucking funny!!
It was kinda like ‘huh,wha,whoa.”
And you really should get a hidden camera so when you go shopping and you get the overly attached/helpful employee, we would get to experience it too.
I have NEVER had one that pushy. fucker deserved it.
Oh I have experienced some real pushy one. Don’t know if I look like a shoplifter or really confused whilst shopping.
In Dillards and other stores of that ilk.. they will stare/follow me and constantly ask if they can help me. So I rarely go in there. Sometimes I hate my resting bitch face. I guess I look postal or Im going to go raping and pillaging.
Because you never smile! lol
you look like a hobo hunting hooker shanking zombie killer – i mean, a hot red head…
Umm thank you?
I like how you slipped raptor in there at first with the others…..He may have thought you meant One thing but I’m betting that (even tho’ it’s NOT a bird) you meant velociraptor (sp)….
Oooo I’d love to attract a velociraptor- in THAT WHORE WHO’S ENGAGED TO GEORGE CLOONEY’S YARD.
We could sell tickets to that !
Two hundred dollars a pop. Baby needs new shoes. Baby being ME.
…but did you harm any Moroccan Moles?
No. Though Bobo likes to dig for moles.
Them little bastard squirrels love eating that songbird seed, so maybe you can kill two birds with one…wait, what?
Hmmmm *dials The Secret Squirrel Society’s number*
Squirrel = Rat with a fuzzy tail. I’m not advocating nailing them to boards or swinging them by their tails. But if that should “accidentally” happen, I won’t be the one calling The Secret Squirrel Society on you!
LOL Bobo doesn’t care for them much either. He advocates snapping their necks on the run.
One of my dogs, John, nailed and ate a squirrel. The other dog, Del, treated John as a god for a week. Scientific fact: dachshunds hate squirrels.
I know that to be true.
I think he was able to help. From the look of confusion and horror on his face you knew exactly what to buy.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! *gasp* *snort* giggle
You crack me up…
Good. Life’s too hard not to be cracked up occasionally.
Good to see a post from you, girl. Maybe you could mix a little squirrel tail in with the seeds. Scare away the live ones and attract those big birds at the same time.
I’m impressed that you got someone from Lowes to talk to you let alone persistently try to help you. I’ve run naked through the local store to get attention from them, not even security talked to me.
lol. Yeah, I had to stop doing that myself. Got tired of being tasered and tackled and hog-tied. Something about ‘rendering their costumers blind’ bullshit.
This really happened, no shit: a squirrel got in the habit of raiding our bird feeder. One day, just after we had filled the feeder, my father looked out the window at the feeder, and there was the squirrel, furiously filling his face with the bird seed. The old man slipped out the door and sneaked up on the squirrel. There the squirrel was: laying on his belly, scooping bird seed into his mouth, tail hanging down over the edge of the platform. The old man grabbed that squirrel’s tail, swung him around twice, and flung him into the vacant lot next door. That squirrel did not come back to our feeder.
lol GOOD LAWD. I’d leave too and not come back!
A friend of mine grew a vegetable garden every year. One morning she looked out her kitchen window to see two young dear, a male and a female, amble up out of the creek and proceed to use her garden as a salad bar. All went well until the little buck started snacking on her habanero peppers. She said he leapt back, started bouncing stiff-legged, foamed at the mouth and slung snot everywhere. The two ran down into the creek, where the little buck tried to drink the creek dry. Then they ran off into the woods and did not ever visit her garden again. I just wish she had got that on video! Surely, she would have won the $10,000.
Now someone will read that comment and think how awful and cruel it was to plant habanero peppers. Seriously, they will.
*five minutes later*
Ah, shit. And when I read the part about you nailing a squirrel to a board I wanted you to have my child. Missed you; glad you’re back.
LOL You had me until “have my child.”